Chapter 160: Scalpel Sharp, Angry Dora
"I'm not gay! My sexual orientation is completely normal!"
Chandler said frantically.
Chuck said calmly, "The female senator is a closeted lesbian. You being attracted to her doesn't make you any less heterosexual."
"Really?"
Chandler was stunned and instinctively looked at Detective Amy Santiago.
"Uh."
Detective Amy Santiago rubbed her temple and said somewhat confusedly, "Men liking women, that's... right."
"Is that true?"
Chandler complained.
"How should I know?"
Detective Amy Santiago smiled weakly.
This would require professional research.
Chuck looked at them and shook his head.
Experience really matters. They can't even analyze such a simple situation clearly. There are dozens or hundreds of variables in the future. Unless they just stay quiet, they'll offend someone as soon as they speak.
"I'm really not!"
Chandler, somewhat irritated, tried to defend himself. "Oh, right! Rowe from our accounting department is gay. He says they have their own gaydar, and I'm definitely not on it!"
Not long ago, at the office coffee machine, a female colleague offered to set him up with someone, referring to them as 'he'. When he pointed out the pronoun, she realized she might have made a mistake and apologized profusely. He accepted the apology, but when he asked which 'he' in the company she was referring to, she said she was thinking of Rowe from accounting. He immediately corrected her, saying, "Even if you're confused, you should set me up with the hottest guy in the company, Brian from payroll."
The female colleague scoffed, saying, "You're not good enough for Brian," and walked away. Then Rowe from accounting said the same thing, which infuriated him and he yelled, "I'm definitely good enough for him! I could totally get Brian if I wanted to!"
Then Brian, the hottest guy in the company, walked in to get coffee.
"That proves you really aren't gay."
Detective Amy Santiago forced a smile with some disappointment: "They have gaydar, they're the experts."
"See?"
Chandler looked at Chuck proudly.
"That's simple to explain."
Chuck said matter-of-factly: "The female senator is a closeted lesbian. You being attracted to her could still mean you're heterosexual. I said you could be, not that you necessarily are. You could have a feminine mindset and be a closeted lesbian yourself. This would give you that unique quality that people might misinterpret, but you'd still fly under the radar of Rowe and others. You also mentioned that closeted lesbians went unnoticed by people around them for years. More precisely, Ross's lesbian ex-wife wasn't aware of her own situation until Ross noticed she seemed depressed and suggested she go to the gym to make friends. Then her gym buddy Susan opened up a whole new world for her."
"What?!"
Chandler was stunned and wanted to argue, but when the words came to his lips, he didn't know how to refute it. He could only shout angrily and desperately: "What?!!!"
"What the hell is this logic?"
Detective Amy Santiago was completely confused.
"You seem uncertain about your identity,"
Chuck said calmly. "I'm just offering a reasonable explanation. It fits your situation perfectly, doesn't it?"
Chandler's father had clearly raised him with feminine influences since childhood; just look at his expertise in traditionally feminine interests.
That's the situation now. In America 30 years from now, even if Chandler's father had some sense and didn't want to cause irreversible physical changes to his child, he'd probably be convinced by Chandler's teacher to make the cut.
Hmm.
Not a circumcision, but gender reassignment surgery!
Chandler was speechless, then he pulled out his phone and called Ross. "Hey, Ross, give me Carol's number. Why? Oh, this is rich! I might have to join their team."
"..."
Detective Amy Santiago was initially worried, but seeing Chandler making jokes even in this state, she breathed a sigh of relief and gave Chuck a thumbs-up, no longer doubting Chuck's assessment of Chandler's exceptional comedic talent.
New York.
Chuck and the other two arrived at a rental apartment building and stood in front of one unit.
Chandler had already set aside Chuck's psychological games. There was nothing he could do; he was used to being teased about his mannerisms and sexual orientation.
Even if Chuck brought up such a mind-bending topic, it wouldn't completely break his brain; he simply chose to ignore it.
This kind of situation had happened too many times. If he stayed angry for too long, he'd probably just remain permanently angry. That wouldn't be the perpetually witty Chandler, but the perpetually furious Chandler.
"Can I try knocking on the door this time?"
Chandler said, rubbing his hands as he stepped forward.
"Sure,"
Detective Amy Santiago, realizing her friend had probably watched too many cop shows and wanted to experience the feeling of knocking on doors like a police officer or FBI agent, stepped aside and gestured for him with a smile.
"Alright."
Chandler adjusted his clothes, rubbed his hands, and smoothed his hair. He then cleared his throat softly and reached out to knock.
After knocking, he nodded and smiled proudly at the two of them.
Detective Amy Santiago immediately raised two thumbs up to praise her friend.
The door opened.
Chandler looked over, then yelped and stepped back: "Ah!"
"Why are you here again!"
The woman behind the door saw Chandler's face and this familiar signature reaction, and immediately looked disgusted.
"Hi, Dora, we meet again."
Chandler stood far away, forcing a smile and waving.
"Do you know each other?"
Detective Amy Santiago exclaimed in surprise.
"Dora's the head nurse at the hospital,"
Chandler introduced. "A very, very... competent nurse!"
"Really?"
Detective Amy Santiago sensed something was off.
"Hmm,"
Dora sneered.
Chandler offered a forced smile, but still didn't dare approach.
"I'm Detective Amy Santiago, NYPD. This is Dr. Chuck Wolfe, the department's consultant, and this is Dr. Wolfe's assistant, Chandler Bing."
Detective Amy Santiago said, "Dora, right? You're Christine Jasmine's stepmother?"
"Yes, how can I help you?"
Dora shifted her gaze from Chandler to Detective Amy Santiago. "Just so you know, I'm excellent at bandaging wounds. If you have any injuries, especially to your face or nose, I can help you."
At this, she glared at Chandler threateningly.
Chandler immediately covered his nose with his hand, defensive.
"Okay, what's the story with you two?"
Detective Amy Santiago didn't rush into the case. She first needed to understand what was going on between Chandler and Dora.
"Ask your assistant friend yourself."
Dora clenched her fists and glared at Chandler.
"It's not my fault,"
Chandler said, his back pressed against the wall in fear, as he briefly explained what happened.
Detective Amy Santiago finally understood and was both amused and exasperated.
It turned out that Ross, celebrating his first anniversary with his ex-wife, had been obsessed with recreating everything about their first date. Chandler and his friends had dragged him to a Rangers game. The puck flew off the ice and hit Ross in the nose, injuring him.
They took Ross to the hospital, where they met the "wonderful nurse" Dora. When Ross and his friends requested quick service, Dora impatiently made them fill out paperwork while she was on the phone arguing with someone about a product's advertising slogan.
As expected, Chandler started making wisecracks at Dora, but Dora's expression was terrifying. One glare from her made them all shut up.
After a long wait, Ross finally saw a doctor and had his nose treated. Before leaving, Ross and a kid fought over the hockey puck that had hit his nose. The puck flew off and hit Dora directly in the face.
Ross and Chandler joked, "Finally, something entertaining today."
Dora, who fell to the ground clutching her nose and screaming in pain, overheard this, and the feud between them was sealed.
Although Chandler and the other guys were grown men, they were no match for Dora, an enraged woman. They were instantly defeated and fled in panic.
"Hitting people is wrong,"
Detective Amy Santiago said, suppressing a laugh, trying to smooth things over. Well, mainly to ease her friend Chandler's fear and discomfort.
"Ha,"
Dora sneered. "Don't give me that line. My son, Will, is a cop too. You think I don't know how you people operate? And hitting people is wrong? You want me to just pull a gun instead?"
At this, she gave Chandler a disdainful look. "Does he deserve a bullet?"
"He doesn't!"
Chandler quickly smiled nervously.
"Your son's a cop?"
Detective Amy Santiago, having heard this, didn't reach for the service weapon at her waist, even though Dora mentioned guns.
"Yes, he's a detective in New Orleans, a damn good one!"
Dora raised her chin proudly when mentioning her son.
"New Orleans? That's so far away,"
Detective Amy Santiago asked, puzzled.
New York is over 1,300 miles away.
"He went there with his father,"
Dora's expression of pride froze. "His father's a detective down there."
"Family of cops, huh?"
Detective Amy Santiago smiled, straightening up, trying to be modest but unable to suppress her pride. "My family's in law enforcement too. My grandfather was a cop, my father was a cop, and all seven of my brothers are cops."
"Yeah, yeah, your whole family are cops,"
Dora snapped.
If her son weren't a cop, she wouldn't have any favorable feelings toward police, especially after dealing with that deadbeat cop father.
"Thanks?"
Detective Amy Santiago didn't know what to say. 'Your whole family are cops' was accurate, but it didn't sound like a compliment.
"Let's get to business,"
Chuck said. "Do you have anything to say about the murder of your stepdaughter, Christine Jasmine?"
"That little bitch?"
Dora sneered. "She had it coming!"
(End of Chapter)
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