Huan En took Xiaobao out of the Jin residence, indeed exerting a lot of effort. He had Zuo Ying and You Ying hold off the secret guards placed by Su Yin. After leaving the residence, they rode their horses wildly for over thirty miles before they finally escaped the Jin family's sphere of influence.
As the sky began to brighten, Xiaobao, who hadn't slept all night, struggled to keep his eyes open.
Seeing his condition, Huan En felt helpless but decided to lead their horses off the official road into the depths of a forest, looking for a dilapidated temple to rest in.
Upon seeing the temple that was barely standing and letting the wind through from all sides, Xiaobao's face fell. "Didn't we pass an inn on our way here? It would only take a moment to return; why rest in such a place?
This is hardly fit for people."
Huan En glared at him. "If you want comfort everywhere, you might as well go back and ask Zhao Cai and Jin Bao to prepare a carriage and soft couch for you. You can be comfortable however you want."
Dissatisfied, Xiaobao muttered, "That doesn't mean we have to sleep in such a place. It's creepy here. Who knows what kind of unclean things might be around."
"If that's how you feel, we'll continue on our way. But we can only stay in places like this; otherwise, it won't be two days before your family finds us."
Xiaobao looked utterly miserable standing in the deserted temple, surrounded by broken statues and furniture, a thick layer of dust on the ground marking his every step, and spider webs filling the beams above, with the wind whistling through gaps in the structure.
How was he supposed to sleep like this?
He had always had the best of everything since he was young, never having to endure hardship. If the person before him wasn't Huan En, he would have lost his temper long ago. Only in front of Huan En did he not dare to act willfully.
While hesitating, he saw that Huan En had already placed a plank on the ground, took out two pieces of clothing from his pack to lay on top, and lay down himself, signaling with a look.
Xiaobao braced himself and walked over, feeling like he really couldn't lie down.
Huan En, growing impatient, yanked him down. The plank was quite wide, large enough for two people to lie on, although their legs had to stretch out. Unfortunately, Huan En hadn't considered controlling his strength, and Xiaobao's knees directly hit the ground covered in thick dust and pebbles, causing him pain that made him involuntarily cry out.
Huan En, frowning, pulled him up to sit on the plank, looking at him with discomfort, "How can you be so useless, unable to endure even a little pain?"
Being scolded like this on top of having to stay in such a dilapidated temple was already infuriating for Xiaobao, and now he felt even more wronged. He had always been afraid of pain, and the injuries he had suffered since growing up were nothing compared to those after meeting Huan En. Unfortunately, in Huan En's world, there seemed to be only himself. Even if Xiaobao tried to explain that people are different, Huan En would likely just think him useless, without feeling any remorse for accidentally hurting him.
Xiaobao didn't dare talk back, afraid that Huan En would just leave in a huff, so he quietly lay down beside him.
This was the first time Xiaobao lay with his back to Huan En. Normally, no matter how hot it was, he would cling to him if possible, desperately leaning against him. But now, turning his back, Huan En suddenly couldn't stand it, finding it intolerable.
He forcefully turned Xiaobao around, wanting to question him but unable to ask, and lay down with a furious face, holding him tightly in his arms, the grip so strong that Xiaobao felt somewhat in pain.
In the quiet temple, where no birds or cicadas were heard, Xiaobao could hear that Huan En, though his eyes were closed, had an uneven breath.
Xiaobao wanted to tell Huan En that his wrist was pressing against his spine, causing him pain, but he dared not speak up, fearing Huan En would scornfully call him useless.
He could only try to shift slightly, hoping to find a more comfortable position. But as soon as he moved, Huan En immediately opened his eyes,
his gaze sharp, filled with anger and warning.
Xiaobao had no clue what set him off again. Huan En's thoughts were too deep, unpredictable, and completely baffling to him.
All he could do was explain, "I'm just getting some clothes to cover up…" Upon hearing this, Huan En finally loosened his grip, and Xiaobao sighed in relief. He got up, opened the cloth bag, and took out the clothes.
After a moment of thought, he carefully spread them over Huan En.
Huan En watched his actions, "What are you doing?"
"You're so thin, you must get cold easily."
Huan En's expression softened slightly as he pulled Xiaobao closer and covered him with the clothes, "I won't get cold."
"How can you not be cold? Don't worry about me, I've got more fat."
Huan En placed his hand on Xiaobao's back, slowly exerting force, and Xiaobao felt a warm flow rising from his spine, gradually spreading throughout his body, making him feel thoroughly comfortable.
Xiaobao blinked, "That's amazing."
Huan En chuckled softly, "So, I'm not cold."
He held Xiaobao, burying his face in the crook of Xiaobao's shoulder, finding warmth and comfort.
He liked the scent on Xiaobao, warm and slightly milky, bringing him peace.
When he was very young, he once foolishly asked his father what his mother was like. His father, usually not one to waste words, would fall into a different state entirely when speaking of his mother. His expression would soften, his voice would warm, as he described her as a beautiful and warm-hearted woman.
Huan En found warmth in embracing someone, a sensation he never truly understood until now. It dawned on him that holding someone who doesn't fear or shun him, tolerates his foolishness, brings a warmth that's more than physical—it's a warmth of the heart. He had never experienced this before and struggled to put it into words, realizing this warmth was all-encompassing and something he didn't want to let go of. This, he concluded, must be what his father meant.
He wondered if his feelings for Xiaobao were like those his father had for his mother. Huan En found himself lost in confusion.
What exactly was his father's love for his mother? Would he spend a lifetime seeking revenge if Xiaobao were to die? He supposed he would, given he had nothing else to occupy his time, indicating Xiaobao would forever occupy his thoughts, though he doubted he would cry in secret.
After all, no one had ever been able to deeply affect him, leaving him unfamiliar with true sadness.
Huan En didn't understand what Xiaobao meant to him. If Xiaobao was merely a convenient tool, he shouldn't hesitate over him. If his feelings were akin to those his father had for his mother, he was unsure what that entailed—perhaps what people refer to as a spousal relationship.
Holding the person in his arms tightly, Huan En knew only that he didn't want to let go. Perhaps, he thought, he should ask Xiaobao if he expects the same devotion his father showed his mother, a proposition Huan En might agree to.
His grasp on emotions was vague; his father's unwavering, foolish devotion to his mother over the years, despite Huan En's disdain, undeniably influenced him. His own desires for emotional detachment made the intimacy shared with Xiaobao seem like a de facto marriage, suggesting they should spend their lives together.
Huan En had always believed that once he repaid his father's kindness, he'd be free to roam the world alone. Yet, experiencing companionship and care showed him its value. Since Xiaobao had entered his life, it seemed fitting to choose him.
Throughout his life, Huan En was uncertain of his desires and direction.
Even free from control, he had no destination in mind. But with Xiaobao as his responsibility, at least he wouldn't be aimless.
If Xiaobao continued to be well-behaved and beseeched him, once he had achieved what needed to be done, he might think about granting his wish.
Should he behave towards Xiaobao as his father did towards his mother, then Xiaobao would need to act towards him as his mother did towards his father.
Huan En was plunged into a state of bewilderment. What was his mother's approach towards his father, and what were Xiaobao's thoughts on this?
These issues turned out to be more baffling and headache-inducing than any of the life-or-death situations he had previously encountered. Nobody had ever taught him these things, and his ego wouldn't let him inquire about
such foolish matters. He even concluded that after all this reflection, he was at a loss on how to interact with Xiaobao.
Observing the person snuggled in his embrace, who had already succumbed to sleep from sheer tiredness, with dark shadows under his long lashes, breathing calmly, and sleeping soundly.
Yet, Huan En found sleep elusive regardless of his efforts.