A military green six-wheeled Hummer raced across the cold asphalt, its rugged styling, sturdy tires, and powerful engine unleashing a resounding roar. The scenery during the Qingming Festival was delightful, with lush grass and chirping birds. Looking out into the distance, the mountains were covered in layers of green, and all things were coming back to life—a scene of vibrant vitality and prosperity.
Ye Qian and I drove to Hengyang, Hunan, to visit the deceased's grave. We had left Beijing a day early and, with a flurry of activity, arrived in Hengyang before sunset the next day. We stayed at the renowned Zhuhui Hotel, named after the renowned Zhuhui Mountain Forest Park. Li Xuanshi and Hao Laogou owned a luxurious villa at the foot of Zhuhui Mountain and generously gifted Bai Ying and me one as a gift, diagonally across the street.
Even if I wasn't grateful, I should have been. It was precisely that villa that became another indelible mark of shame in my life, a naked witness to the pain and darkness of my past. I don't know how many times Bai Ying and Hao Laogou committed adultery in that villa that became our new home. At least my beloved mother, Li Xuanshi, must have known all about it and even helped cover up their affairs and acted as a pimp! As such, a chill rose in my heart again, lamenting how human kindness is often hurt by hidden arrows!
After a flurry of random thoughts, I returned to reality. Tomorrow was Qingming Festival, another day of mourning and commemoration. Ye Qian and I booked two rooms and had a quick bite in the restaurant. Before returning to our room, she told me she had already arranged for the offerings for the tomb sweeping. I nodded in gratitude, then couldn't help but glance at her outfit. The tight leather jacket and pants had a hip-hop vibe, showcasing her mature, alluring, and voluptuous figure. But you, a forty-year-old girl, still had the heart of a lolita who refused to compromise!
She saw my look and glanced at me nonchalantly, her willow-shaped eyebrows raised a few times on purpose, and her phoenix eyes hinted at a smile—a naked provocation!
In the end, I was defeated. It was an indescribable feeling that a married man in his thirties was defeated by an unmarried mature woman.
After saying goodnight, I quickly ran away. A burst of crisp laughter came from behind me, and I could tell she was in a very good mood at the moment. It seemed that for a while, teasing me had become an indispensable part of her daily life, and she never got tired of it!
We got up early in the morning and drove to the cemetery, then walked up the steps. Outside Hengyang, the mountains were lush and green, birds were chirping, and the air was fresh and sweet.
My father, Zuo Yuxuan, lived an upright life, possessing a refined and honest demeanor. His generosity was legendary, as evidenced by his selfless assistance to the poor and humble, Hao Laogou, without regard for reward. I, too, inherited these qualities, but unfortunately, I became a foolish person who invited a wolf into my home. I raped my mother and my wife, squandered our family fortune, was imprisoned, and my family was destroyed. Even more so, when Laogou and that adulteress, Li Xuanshi, openly engaged in sexual orgies in broad daylight, right in front of my late father's tombstone, their debauchery and filthiness were truly appalling and appalling!
Back then, I was a coward, hiding in the grass beside the grave, watching the adulterer and his wife engage in shameless intercourse. I can still vividly remember Li Xuanshi's unbridled cries of lust, her bitch-like poses, her grotesque behavior, satisfying the adulterer, Hao Laogou's perverted cravings! So, I'm already dead then. Those unbecoming beasts allowed the adulterer and his wife to engage in sexual intercourse at my deceased father's grave without stepping up to stop them. Not only that, but I still remember it vividly. As I watched their lewd scene, my cock hardened beneath my crotch, wishing I could try it myself, push Hao Laogou aside, and take his place!
The fear stems from this: How could a beast like me harbor lustful thoughts about my own mother, wanting to thrust my thick, sinful penis into the very place where I was born? This heinous, evil, animalistic desire lurks within my seemingly righteous body. How can I live with myself? How can I stand firm in the world?
Confused and fruitless thoughts filled my mind, and sadness washed over me like a tide. Have things changed? Am I still myself?
The mountain wind whistled, and the weeds swayed endlessly.
My father's grave was actually just a cenotaph. He died in a plane crash. My mother and I rushed to the scene, but we didn't get to see him one last time. He passed away before we could see him again. In the end, we received a generous compensation and returned with a few of his unincinerated belongings. My mother built a cenotaph for him there, offering a moment of mourning and remembrance, even though we're miles apart. At least, every Qingming Festival, we could come here to mourn and remember our deceased loved one!
Since marrying Hao Laogou, Li Xuanshi seemed to have never visited her father's grave again. Did she believe that after remarrying, she was no longer a member of the Zuo family, or did she realize her promiscuity and depravity and could no longer face her ex-husband? Let her be! If the sky wants to rain and the mother wants to marry, how can she stop it?
Moreover, when the news broke that Hengyang's famously beautiful teacher was marrying a filthy, ugly, and worthless farmer from Haojiagou, the local media's social section covered the story, creating a sensation and sending shockwaves through the air. Li Xuanshi's name became even more famous!
Perhaps it was a result of years of reluctance and perseverance. Li Xuanshi was naturally strong-willed, and the wedding she once faced, scorned by the world, would always be a thorn in her heart. She refused to accept mediocrity and failure and valued her reputation above all else. Wasn't her forbearance and perseverance a form of resistance and revenge against the secular world?
She just wanted to prove that she, Li Xuanshi, was still the phoenix admired by everyone. She lived a good life. Not only did she have a happy family and two children, but she was also able to start a business from scratch, set up a company, build a villa and a luxurious mansion. Moreover, with her own ability, she pushed an old, ugly, and illiterate farmer onto the road of politics, and he rose to the top smoothly. Wasn't this ability?
She could invest countless fortunes and efforts to build a prosperous Haojiagou dynasty of her own. Even if it meant countless hardships, sacrifices, and tears, she would persevere to the end. She would once again stand tall as a successful figure, silencing the world's gossip.
Ye Qian handed me the offerings. I placed them one by one in front of my father's grave and bent down to burn the paper money. Ye Qian bowed to my father's tombstone, placed a bouquet of white chrysanthemums on my head, and whispered to me, "I'll be waiting for you. If you have anything to say, just tell your father!" Then she turned and walked away.
I was silent for a moment, then reached out and pulled out my Baisha cigarette case, lit one, and gently stuck it into the soil in front of the grave as a tribute to my late father. Then I lit one myself and began to smoke.
The cigarette butt flickered, its smoke dispersing in the wind. I took a few deep puffs, the bitter, alkaline air entering my lungs and escaping my mouth. After finishing the cigarette and discarding the butt, I knelt on the dusty ground in front of the grave. My knees ached from the hard earth, aching just like my heart.
I stared straight ahead at my father's tombstone, trying my best to suppress the turmoil in my heart and speak calmly, but my tone still inexplicably carried a hint of muffled undertones:
"Dad, today is Qingming Festival, and I, your unfilial son, am here to visit your grave. I didn't visit you last year because I was in jail. I'm ashamed to say that I'm almost thirty years old, but I've accomplished nothing. Not only did I fail to take good care of Mom, but my wife was also kidnapped by someone. I was too ashamed to come see you again. But after a year in jail, I've figured it all out. Our Zuo family is not extinct yet. I didn't behave like a son before, and I disgraced your good name. My sins are truly grave. But don't worry, as long as I have a breath of hope left in me, I will use my own hands to avenge my hatred and wash away the shame! That group of adulterers and whores in Haojiagou have insulted our Zuo family too much. From today on, not only will I recover the money that belongs to our Zuo family, but those despicable, vicious, shameless, and lowly dogs and whores will have to pay the price! Those who insult me will be repaid tenfold! Just wait for news from your son. This has kept you waiting for too long, and I'm getting impatient! Since ancient times, retribution has always been inevitable, and justice will always prevail. Don't worry, I won't let any of them escape!"
After letting out all the depression in my heart in one breath, I felt much more relaxed.
I kowtowed three times before my father's tombstone and stood up quickly. I was immediately met with Ye Qian's clear, bright gaze, as if in approval or question.
"Sister Qian, let's go down the mountain!" I said.
Ye Qian smiled and nodded, and we walked down the mountain, facing the morning glow. Suddenly, my pupils contracted sharply, and anger surged in my eyes. Ye Qian was obviously confused and was slightly stunned.
From my father's grave, there was a gently sloping slope. The trees were cut down years ago, leaving only a dozen bare, low stumps that served as benches. There was also the faint trace of a thatched hut—at least the skeleton remained. But years of wind and rain had left it dilapidated and shabby, a sight to behold.
And I knew full well that this dilapidated ruin was the temporary shelter built by Hao Jianghua, the seemingly honest but actually despicable scoundrel, while he was guarding the tomb of his benefactor, Zuo Yuxuan. He had ulterior motives, and while guarding the tomb, he probably despised and mocked my father day and night.
In about less than a year, Li Xuanshi let him succeed, and he naturally began to enter the house and act like a monkey in human form. It was natural for him to live with Li Xuanshi as an affair, occupying the magpie's nest, stealing his mother's money, and starting the road to success as a dog.
As I thought about this, anger welled up in me, and I told Ye Qian about this past. Ye Qian finally understood what was holding me back. She was understanding, nodded, and said to me, "Since you don't like it, why not burn it? It'll be a way of saying goodbye to the past! Then you can face the future with peace of mind. People can't just live in the shadows of the past!"
She was right, and so we did. She helped find some thatch to start the fire, while I, without hesitation, took out my lighter and ignited a wad of hay. The wind blew fiercely on the mountain, and the fire, carried by the wind, spread across the prairie, blazing like a blaze. Seeing the former doghouse reduced to ash in an instant, I felt a great deal of the anger I felt. This scene made me wonder, wouldn't the future of Haojiagou be similar? Watch him build a building, watch him entertain guests, and watch it collapse!
Back at the foot of the mountain, it was already noon, so we found a place to eat. Ye Qianyi, a typical Beijing girl and a pure northerner, naturally couldn't handle the spicy Hunan cuisine. Because there was someone who was just like that before, that person was Bai Ying, also from Beijing.
I tried to order a few foreign dishes, including chicken and mushrooms, celery and shrimp, stir-fried kidney, green onion and tofu, fish-flavored shredded pork, and steamed sea bass.
I used to work as a salesperson in a foreign company and traveled a lot, so I had no problem adapting to food. Ye Qian, the daughter of the Ye family, was surprisingly simple and unpretentious. She was not picky about the dishes and ate with gusto.
I gave her an approving look, and she smiled back. She even joked to me that if she hadn't run quickly that morning, she might have been caught by the cemetery wardens and jailed as an arsonist. I was amazed at her astonishment, but I was deeply envious of such a vivid, authentic state of life. I, a humble and despicable prisoner, had long ago buried myself in the past. Recalling the past only brought bitterness. How could I ever return to the past?
Since I finally made it to Hengyang, I naturally wanted to go back to the old house in Zuojiazhuang. I spent most of my childhood there, and though the memories were bitter, at least there was a piece of youthful beauty preserved in the cobweb-covered corners. Even if it had become extremely indifferent, almost invisible, it still existed, didn't it?
We'd buy some necessities at the market first, planning to stay the night at the old house. We'd try to pack some simple, instant meals like braised dishes and instant noodles, as well as iced tea and Beibingyang soda. Life was ordinary yet heartwarming, and many people who enjoyed it often didn't understand the true and precious beauty of life.
The drive back to Zuojiazhuang was over 80 kilometers, and the road conditions weren't great. Fortunately, I was driving an off-road vehicle. It still took two hours of bumpy and limping. After all, it was a small, isolated town, still relatively undeveloped. So, capital was always realistic.
Near sunset, we finally arrived at our destination. The Hummer parked in front of a run-down, two-story building, a typical example of the 1980s. The Zuo family had been declining, with no immediate descendants. We didn't want to disturb the neighbors, so we used a stone to crack the rusty, old-fashioned padlock. Upon entering, a damp, musty smell hit us. It was almost nauseating, so we quickly opened the windows to ventilate and do a quick tidying. Hunan was known for its high humidity, hence the locals' fondness for spicy food and alcohol, all for the purpose of dispelling dampness and curing illness.
Fortunately, the old house still had power, which saved Ye Qian and me from the awkwardness of sharing a dark room. I checked the solar water heater and found it was still working, so I could take a comfortable hot bath. I found the electric kettle to boil water and apologized to Ye Qian for asking her to spend the night there.
Ye Qian shrugged nonchalantly, indicating it was nothing. After a shower and a quick snack of junk food, I went upstairs to clean two rooms in preparation for the night, taking the opportunity to revisit this old house I hadn't visited in a while. I ascended the worn wooden staircase, which led to the lower second floor. The walls were plastered with mottled, faded, and even chipped plaster, and the windows were covered in old, yellowed newspapers. Everywhere I looked, a sense of age and a long history was evident!
There were three rooms upstairs: my parents' former bedroom, my childhood bedroom, and a guest room with a similar layout. I planned to clean out my room and the guest room for the night, but I didn't want to disturb my parents' room. It felt like a shackle, buried deep within my heart, unwilling to disturb or shatter the beauty that once existed between us, the three of us.
I prepared a rest room in a trance, but my feet involuntarily walked toward my parents' old bedroom on the easternmost side. I didn't know how to reach out and push the door, but I couldn't help but enter the familiar yet unfamiliar room, as if there was a mysterious force pulling me there. It was surprising and unbelievable!
I turned on the lights in the room, and the old-fashioned tungsten bulbs emitted a dim and dull glow. In the middle stood a large carved wooden bed, the kind with a mosquito net. Against the wall stood a wooden closet, where clothes used to be hung. I remembered hanging a wedding photo of my parents when they were young on the wall above the bed. My father was wearing a grass-green military uniform, and my mother seemed to be wearing a white dress. In those old times, few people wore suits, and it was even rarer for women to wear wedding dresses. In those simple times, people's hearts were mostly kind and simple! I wondered where this photo was now, or if it had simply been destroyed or thrown away? I had no idea! Roughly, probably, only Li Xuanshi had secretly returned to the old house and, moved by the sight of the photo, disposed of it. All the old memories were now unknown.
I didn't mean to dwell on it; it was just a subtle feeling! My gaze shifted to the other side of the bed. Against the wall sat a desk with a shaded lamp. My father rarely used it, but I remembered my mother often sitting beneath it, writing in her diary. She had a habit of writing, detailing every detail, each one beautifully written. Through her tender touch, it came alive on the page, a remembrance of life.
When I was little, I wasn't very good at liberal arts. She was very strict and took time out every day to supervise me. I read many famous Chinese and foreign classics. At that time, our family's living standard was relatively good, and she borrowed all these books from various places. She would return them after I finished reading them. My father always smiled and didn't say anything. In his heart, he knew that she was very frugal and managed the household very well!
I slowly walked forward, around the edge of the bed, and sat down at the camphorwood desk. Naturally, I reached for the drawer. There wasn't much inside, just a few yellowed letters wrapped in kraft paper with a five-cent stamp stuck in the upper right corner. There were maybe four or five letters, and judging by the postmarks, they were all from Changsha. I suspected the reason there were only a few letters was because my family moved to Changsha when I was ten. Now that my father and his letter-writing friends were in the same city, correspondence naturally became unnecessary.
Curious, and with nothing else to do late at night, I gently pulled out a piece of letter and began to read. Between the lines, it was a message of greetings and gratitude from a man named He Kun to my father. All in all, it seemed that this man, He Kun, and my father had met by chance, a humble acquaintance. My father, always kind-hearted, always offered a helping hand to those in need, never expecting anything in return. Consequently, his friends were everywhere, a factor in his decision to abandon his stable job at a state-owned enterprise and venture into the world of business. The letters, largely identical in content, were written in different years and seasons, spanning approximately three years. Whether they lost contact or simply moved closer, changing their contact information, was impossible to determine.
I skimmed through these four or five letters. There wasn't much of particular importance, but the fourth, arranged in chronological order, mentioned the other party's ancestral Chinese medicine rejuvenation techniques and cautiously inquired about my parents' sexual relations. How could such matters of marital integrity, especially in that relatively conservative era, be so carelessly disclosed to outsiders? Furthermore, it was quite inappropriate for ordinary friends to inquire about each other's sex lives. Naturally, I didn't know how my father responded, but I was surprised to find that He Kun's fifth letter actually included an ancient Chinese medicine recipe. Without my medical background, I couldn't assess its intricacies and miraculous qualities. But I did recall my childhood. My parents' actual age difference was a full twelve years. My mother was eighteen when she married my thirty-year-old father. Such a thing was indeed quite rare.
Moreover, my mother was still a student at the time, and after getting married and having children, she took a year off, ultimately persevering through her studies. Looking back now, it was simply that my father was older but more mature and stable, and my mother admired his handsome, refined demeanor and extraordinary talent, so it wasn't particularly difficult to understand why they ended up together.
But as far as I could remember, my parents didn't have sex often. Later, my father's business kept him busy, and he spent less and less time at home. My mother was in her prime, so naturally, she had sexual needs. Yet, their marriage, which lasted twenty years, was a story of unwavering support and respect. They were a perfect match, a talented couple. Regardless, from my childhood on, I rarely witnessed my parents engage in heated arguments.
However, I vaguely remembered that when I was about eight or nine, my mother bought some pottery from the market. Curious as I was, I even went to ask her what it was for. My mother looked a little strange at the time, cracking a mouthful and sneering, "What are you asking about, little kid?"
As a child, I was quite afraid of my mother, so I stopped talking. However, just two days later, my father returned from his business trip, and that day I could smell the strong aroma of Chinese medicine in the kitchen. This suggested that my parents must have believed the traditional Chinese medicine formula recommended by He Kun and secretly tried it, though its effectiveness remained unknown.
I felt bored by the moment and pulled my chair aside, about to leave. Then, by chance, my eyes caught sight of a notebook lying in the gap between the bed and the desk. Curious, I reached down and retrieved it. It struck me as familiar; as a child, I often saw my mother writing in notebooks with similar covers. Considering the disappearance of the wedding photo, it seemed likely that Li Xuanshi had returned to the old house at least once, accidentally dropping the diary while sorting through some old items.
With some free time, I couldn't help but sit down and flip through Li Xuanshi's diary. I had no ulterior motives for prying into other people's privacy. Of course, I no longer felt any psychological burden about Li Xuanshi's so-called privacy. Besides, the vast amount of photos, diaries, and videos of the Haojiagou brothel were now buried in my coded briefcase, although I hadn't yet felt like seeing the lewd scenes of Li Xuanshi and Bai Ying and the other women.
This diary recorded events from many years ago. They were all distant memories, nothing more than reflections on Li Xuanshi's work as a government official and the trivialities of her daily life. It was a multitude of things, with no clear conclusion. There were joys and joys, but naturally, there were also sorrows and melancholy. Life was such a mixed bag. Everyone experienced joy, anger, sorrow, happiness, and desires. Who could escape them?
I was a bit surprised to discover that Li Xuanshi had mentioned He Kun in her diary. She wrote that her father's advancing age, coupled with the hardships of running a business, had put him under considerable physical and mental strain. As a result, she gradually began to feel a strain in their sexual lives. Li Xuanshi was deeply sympathetic to her husband's dedication and sacrifices for the family, and even when her sexual desires were unfulfilled, she never expressed any dissatisfaction in front of him. Instead, a friend of her husband's, He Kun, whom she had met years before, showed great concern for her and her husband's health and well-being, even gifting him a priceless traditional Chinese medicine recipe passed down from his ancestors.
The ancient recipe was said to regulate male bodily functions, enhance sexual performance, and even, with consistent use, increase penis size. She initially dismissed it, but as her husband's condition worsened, she finally felt the urge to give it a try. She figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. If it showed results, she'd continue; if not, she'd abandon it. Then, determined, she bought a decoction pot and prepared several prescriptions according to the recipe. She calculated the day her husband would be home and boiled a pot of medicine to try to coax him into taking it. For the next few days, she continued to take one daily.
A miraculous thing happened. After only five days of taking the medicine, her husband was so aroused that he held her in his arms for half the night, satisfying her completely. She felt incredibly happy, and every day she looked radiant and energetic. She felt that her life was both fulfilling and sweet. With a well-behaved, sensible, and excellent son by her side, she suddenly felt filled with endless hope for life!
However, after taking ten doses of Chinese medicine, her husband's erection remained impotent. Even though she practiced all sorts of musical instruments and singing, she remained dejected and downcast. This deeply worried her. He continued to take several more doses, but the dejection persisted. From that point on, he never mentioned the prescriptions again. Lao Zuo, the husband, also felt guilty about his beautiful wife, but the loss of face was too much to share. As his money grew, he returned home less and less, seemingly unwilling to meet his wife's hungry, complaining eyes. He simply accepted his circumstances.