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Her heavy eyelids, Lina slowly opened her eyes, as if every muscle of her body refused to cooperate. The cold and sterile air of the room pricked her nostrils, and a shiver ran through her, from the nape of her neck to her fingers. Every breath seemed heavy, painful, as if her body itself refused to return to normal life. Her eyes moved across the room with a heavy slowness: white walls too perfect, medical instruments aligned with an almost cruel precision, a small toilet in one corner, and the television in front of the bed, turned off, faintly reflecting the artificial light. Everything seemed sterile, inhospitable, and this heavy silence amplified her loneliness.
She lifted her eyes toward the window. The city slept under a veil of darkness, the lamplight drawing distant shadows on the walls. Her stomach tightened when she saw the approximate hour. She guessed it must be between eleven p.m. and three a.m. At that instant, a simple but painful question crossed her mind: "But… what am I doing here?"
Her voice came out in a breath, fragile, almost strangled by fear and exhaustion. Her hands clenched the sheet, as if to hold back something she did not want to let out. A dull anger was already simmering beneath the surface, buried behind the fatigue and pain she had carried for months.
The door opened suddenly, and her heart leapt in her chest.
"Zack?!" she whispered, both surprised and relieved.
Zack rushed in, his eyes wide open, filled with worry and a palpable anxiety. "Lina! You're awake? Are you okay? Why did you faint earlier?"
In his hurry, he dropped the soda can he was holding, which hit the floor and splashed. But he did not stop; he rushed toward her, his hands trembling, his breath rapid.
"Sorry… I did not want to seem too… intrusive…" he said, his voice broken by worry. "It's just… I am so happy that you are awake…"
Lina gave a faint smile, but she felt deep inside her a bitterness that refused to dissipate. "Ah… do not worry… it's not serious…" she murmured, but her fingers clenched the sheet a little more. She felt her body accumulating a tension she did not want to admit, a cold and painful anger that grew slowly.
Lina lowered her eyes slightly, her thoughts turning around what she felt about herself. She hated herself. For every forced smile she had offered, for every time someone had suffered in her place, she hated herself a little more. She hated herself for her weakness, for what she represented, for everything that her mere existence had cost to others.
"Was it you who brought me here?" she asked, her voice trembling, betraying the accumulation of tension and fatigue.
Zack slightly averted his gaze, searching for his words, his throat tight: "Yes… I thought that if you fainted, it had to be serious… so I brought you here."
Lina felt a wave of frustration and incomprehension wash over her. A part of her wanted to relax, let it pass, but another part, darker, deeper, refused to calm down. She felt this anger rise gently, crescendo, nourished by her guilt, her shame, and her hatred toward herself.
"And… why… why did you do that?" she asked, almost whispering, her voice hesitant, but her fingers clenching even more on the sheet.
Zack lowered his head, ashamed and confused: "I… I do not know…"
These words, however innocent and honest they were, were the spark that ignited the fire. Lina felt her heart race, her muscles stiffen, her breathing become choppy. Every beat seemed to hammer the guilt that had inhabited her for too long. Her lips trembled, her eyes filled with tears that she tried to hold back, in vain.
"By the way… why did you faint?" asked Zack, his voice firmer, but still betraying his concern.
"Ah… do not worry… just a little fatigue… I… I will heal soon…" she answered, but the tone of her voice was already charged with an underlying tension, a mixture of weariness and anger.
Zack frowned, sensing the fragility beginning to turn into an outburst of anger: "Since when do you bleed from your nose when you are tired? And moreover… you reacted as if you knew it was going to happen…"
The silence settling in the room was almost palpable. Lina felt her stomach knot, her chest tighten. Zack's words, though simple and well-intentioned, awakened a dull and old pain. Her whole body seemed to vibrate under the pressure of what she had been holding back for too long.
"Listen… I just want to know… so I can help you…" he said, his voice soft but insistent.
It was too much. Lina's eyes clouded, her lips trembled, and tears silently ran down her cheeks. Her breathing became panting, each breath short and fast. Her hands trembled, clenched on the sheet, and her nails dug into the material as if to anchor her pain. Every word she had held back for months, every fragment of hatred toward herself, began to come out.
"That's exactly why I did not want to tell you!" she murmured at first, her voice strangled, almost a whisper. Then, her voice became stronger, sharper, untamable: "I did not want you to help me…"
Her gaze turned black, burning, fixed on Zack. Her chest rose rapidly, her shoulders trembled, and every movement of her hands betrayed uncontrollable inner agitation. The hatred she felt toward herself mixed with anger, and every sentence that left her mouth seemed to hammer this truth: she hated herself, despised herself for everything she represented, for everything she had cost those she loved.
"DO YOU KNOW WHY AYOUB DIED? OR WHY KAISET DISAPPEARED?!" she shouted, her voice broken but terribly sincere. "IT IS BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO FIND A CURE FOR MY DISEASE! IT IS BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO SAVE ME!"
Her screams were a mixture of despair, rage, and self-disgust. She trembled all over, panting, in tears, but every word had to come out, every emotion had to be visible.
Zack, frozen, finally saw the true Lina. The hatred she carried toward herself was tangible, palpable in each of her gestures and words. She hated herself for her weakness, for the weight she imposed on others, for every pain her existence had caused.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WAKE UP EVERY DAY TELLING YOURSELF IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT?! OR TO TELL YOURSELF YOU CAN ONLY LIVE BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE SUFFERS IN YOUR PLACE?! NO, YOU KNOW NOTHING!" she shouted, tears flowing, voice vibrating, every word hammering the guilt and disgust she felt for herself.
"THAT IS WHY I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE! SO THAT IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!" she screamed again, short of breath, body trembling, every word an ultimate outlet for her accumulated suffering.
Zack remained motionless, unable to look away. He saw everything: the hatred she felt toward herself, the anger, the pain, and the guilt that had eaten at her for so long. Every silence after her screams was heavy with meaning. For the first time, he understood that this explosion was not sudden: it was the result of months, perhaps years, of anger, fear, and disgust toward her own existence.
Lina felt her shoulders slump, as if her entire body were giving way under the weight of her thoughts. Her breath was short, ragged, and she kept her eyes lowered to hide the trembling of her pupils. I am cowardly… I push him away even though he is all I have left. He must hate me… she thought, biting her lip. Her fingers clenched on her sleeve.
In front of her, Zack watched silently. She is destroying herself before my eyes… and I remain here, powerless. No. Not powerless. Not this time. His hands trembled slightly, resting on his knees. He inhaled deeply, his nostrils flaring under the anger and pain he tried to hide.
Finally, Lina's voice broke the silence, broken, barely a breath.
Lina: I am… I am going to die in about six months… and I just wanted that my death would not make you sad. That is why… I wanted to distance myself from you.
Zack felt his heart tighten like in a vise. She thinks she is protecting me… but she is pushing me away. She thinks I will let her go? His fists slowly clenched on his thighs. He stared at her, searching for words, and when he spoke, his voice was firm but trembling.
Zack: You know… I find that you are a little selfish.
Lina blinked, surprised. She lifted her head, her breath caught. Selfish? Me? But… I just wanted to protect him…
Lina: …What?
Zack leaned slightly forward. She must listen to me. She must stop believing she is a burden.
Zack: Why do you think I am here, beside you, at this very moment? It is because I want to, because it makes me happy. And I am sure it was the same for your two brothers.
His words were like arrows, but he did not shoot them to hurt; he shot them to reach the heart that was closing. She must understand. She must know that it is me who chooses to be here.
Lina felt her fingers tremble against her chest. Her heart beat so fast it hurt. He truly wants to stay… even after everything I told him…
Zack inhaled deeply, his shoulders straightening like a rock. His eyes shone with a burning gleam, a mix of love and gentle anger.
Zack: If someone makes a choice, it is their problem. You do not have the right to question their determination. And that is why I am going to tell you my choice for the rest of my life… and you will not have the right to question it.
I will show her. I will show her she is not alone. That it is not over. Zack thought, clenching his fist. His knuckles whitened. Then, with solemn slowness, he extended his fist toward her, like a silent oath.
Zack: I will first find a medicine for your disease. Then, I will spend time with you, really get to know you. And finally… I will live happily. Yes, that is how I want to live my life. So… what do you say?
Lina felt a shiver run from head to toe. Her tears, which she had been holding back until now, finally welled. He speaks as if I still have a future… as if I still have the right to be happy… Her hands hesitated in the air, then she slowly lifted her trembling fist and pressed it against Zack's.
On his side, Zack felt the warmth of the contact. She is letting me in. She still leaves me a little space… A surge of hope swelled in his chest.
Their fists pressed together, Lina gave a fragile smile, almost shy but sincere.
Lina: Yes… I like this plan.
In the silence that followed, Zack held her gaze, eyes shining with emotion. I swear… I will not let you fall. And Lina, for the first time in months, felt her heart beat less painfully. She was no longer alone in the night.