#Moshi Moshi~?#
The voice drifting from the phone was sweet—playful, even. Like a childhood friend calling after years apart, carrying that familiar warmth with a teasing lilt.
Subaru didn't respond immediately. He just stared at the screen for a long second, trying to decide what to do.
Beep.
He ended the call.
"What was that?" Emilia asked, bewildered. Suddenly, the metia let out that strange noise, someone said a weird phrase—and then it just stopped.
Tonight has been a very weird night for Emilia.
"Just a scam caller. Don't worry about it," Subaru said, trying to ease her concern as he slipped the phone back into his pocket. Fortunately, the only mind-reader present was sleeping, so he could lie all he wanted.
Right after muting whoever it was that called him just now.
"So!" Subaru clapped his hands to change the subject. "As I said, I've read the story of this world. And you, plus the maid steering over there, are actually part of the main cast, so I know a lot of stuff about the two of you."
"Pervert," came a voice from the driver's seat.
"Not like that," Subaru denied the accusation—before remembering Rule 34 exists. "Actually… it is like that. Just that those aren't canon."
"Why would a canon have anything to do with you being a pervert?" the girl in the driver's seat said again.
"I feel so too," Emilia added, frowning a little. "Knowing that someone read about my life without my permission is… a bit weird. Sorry."
"Well, tell that to Tappei. He's the one writing your story," Subaru shrugged, trying to deflect the growing pervert accusations.
"But you read it," the pink-haired maid pointed out flatly.
"I did. But—"
"But you read it," she repeated, cutting off whatever excuse he was about to make.
Subaru could only stare at her back in silence, grumbling under his breath about how unfair it was that she could just say that and win.
"PervBaru," she chimed again, almost sing-song.
"Okay—!" Subaru threw his hands in the air and pointed at her, trying to stop the accusation before it gained any more momentum.
Ram just sat there with a smug little smirk, clearly enjoying the suffering of the strange guest Emilia had brought home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wow, this mansion is big," Subaru said as he stood in front of the gate, hands on his hips, taking in the view.
Even in the dark, it was clear how massive the place really was.
"And Rem cleans all of this by herself? Damn, no wonder some people like her."
"Excuse me?" came a sharp voice from behind him.
Subaru didn't even flinch. He grinned to himself before slowly turning his head.
A certain pink-haired maid stood there, arms crossed, eyebrows twitching.
"What?" Subaru said smugly to the girl. "We all know you're not doing any of your maidly chores properly. I would know—I read the book."
"Ahh yes. How could Ram forget that you're a pervert who stalks people through literature," Ram replied, feigning realization. "Truly a grave mistake on Ram's part."
"That's right, I am a pe—wait a minute!" Subaru caught himself. "I'm not stalking you! The story is about me! I'm stalking myself!"
"And a narcissist, too? Truly, you are the scum of the earth. Barusu."
"You little—!" Subaru was halfway into launching a comeback when another maid, looking nearly identical to Ram, stepped out to greet them.
In the middle of the night, no less.
"…Did she not sleep?" Subaru blinked, caught off guard.
"Welcome back, Emilia-sama, Nee-sama. And...?" Rem greeted politely, but paused when she noticed something was off.
They'd gone to the capital with two people… and came back with three.
"Rem, this is—"
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, PINKY!"
Ram tried to sabotage the moment, but Subaru was quick on the draw.
"I can do it myself, thank you!" he cut her off with a dramatic cough, ignoring the sharp "Tch." Ram let out behind him.
Clearing his throat with purpose, Subaru straightened his back, placed one hand on his hip, and struck a confident pose with the other pointed at the sky.
"My name is Natsuki Subaru! Emilia-tan's guest and noble savior of her stolen insignia from the clutch of evil! Nice to meet you!"
It was peak Natsuki Subaru energy.
Everyone just stared at him. No one said a word. The silence stretched... and stretched… until it wrapped around the entire courtyard like an awkward blanket.
"Heh."
A smug scoff broke the quiet. Of course, it came from the pink-haired maid.
Subaru didn't let it rattle him. He crossed his arms and tilted his chin up with mock pride.
"You guys might not get it now, but you'll understand just how cool that pose is once I become a hero," he said, fully committed to the bit.
No one looked convinced. If anything, their expressions somehow managed to scream secondhand embarrassment even louder.
"Why must Ram try to embarrass you when you can do it yourself," the pink-haired girl commented with a smug look on her face.
Subaru just shrugged her off. Haters gonna hate, or so they say.
"Anyway, Rem," Ram turned to her sister, "despite how he looks, he did help find Emilia-sama's jewel. So we must at least let him stay for a night before kicking him out."
"Bold of you to assume I'll leave."
"Bold of you to assume Ram will let you stay."
"Bold of you to assume you have any say in this."
"Bold of you to assume Ram won't strangle—"
"Enough!" Emilia finally snapped, stepping in to put an end to their ridiculous back-and-forth.
This looked like the first time the girl had ever tried to put on the authority of the ruler she was supposed to be.
Subaru and Ram looked at her in shock—then looked at each other.
"You made her mad," Subaru said.
"No, you made her mad," Ram clapped back.
"You both made me mad!" Emilia shouted again, doing her best to stop the two from spiraling into yet another argument.
"Rem, can you take Subaru to one of the guest rooms? Any decisions about him will be up to Roswaal. Where is she, anyway?" Emilia finally stepped up and gave the order, sounding more like the ruler she was supposed to be.
Subaru blinked. He is a bit surprised that she can actually act like this, The book really didn't prepare him for a competent Emilia. She is supposed to be a dumbass.
"Of course, Emilia-sama," Rem said with a bow, then stepped aside to let him through.
"Please follow Rem."
Subaru gave her a big, toothy grin.
"Lead the way," he said, cheerful as ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Seeing it from the outside is one thing, but walking through halls this big really puts it into perspective, huh?" Subaru walked behind Rem with his hands resting behind his head. The hallway stretched on and on, lined with paintings, vases, and all kinds of fancy decorations.
"I think I can get my daily cardio just by going to the bathroom," he joked.
Rem didn't respond. Unlike her sister, who had no filter and barely any interest in proper manners, Rem was the textbook image of a professional maid—or so Subaru thought.
Frederica is still better though.
"And you clean this whole place by yourself? That must be exhausting, right?"
"That's not true. Nee-sama helps Rem take care of the mansion," she finally answered.
"Yeah, but she doesn't look like a good maid. You, on the other hand, seem like the real deal," Subaru said, trying to hype her up a bit.
"Nee-sama is much better than Rem."
Subaru sighed. Talking to her felt like arguing with a brick wall that thought it wasn't worthy of being a brick.
"Oh, by the way, Rem," Subaru suddenly called out, his voice casual but with a hint of concern.
"Mm?" She turned to look at him, curious.
"Is a freshly mended arm supposed to bleed like this?" he asked, holding up his right forearm.
Sure enough, thin trickles of blood were running down from it.
Rem's eyes widened. Without saying another word, she quickly stepped over and gently took his arm, inspecting it closely.
"This is sloppy," she muttered. "Some of the muscle fibers and nerves weren't reconnected properly… not to mention the arteries..."
"Wait—she really doesn't know which arteries go where?!" Subaru blurted out, staring at his arm in disbelief.
So his suspicions were right—Emilia's healing magic was more heart than technique.
"Healing magic is easy to learn. Perfecting it is a whole different story," Rem explained, already casting a spell to try and patch up the damage.
"Rem is sorry… but even Rem isn't that good at healing. The best healer in this mansion is Lady Beatrice-sama, but she's—"
Before she could finish, Subaru was already turning on his heel and scanning the hallway.
"Alright, instinct," he muttered to himself as he started opening random doors, "don't fail me now."
He pushed the door open, and the light coming from the room flash-banged him with how much of a contrast it was from the dark hallway.
When he could finally see again, he saw a brightly lit library with dozens of shelves containing hundreds of books—and not a single one he could read.
In the middle of such a library was a little blonde girl with twin drills for hair, wearing a gothic lolita dress, with little crowns on her head and butterflies for pupils.
I realize how ridiculous that sounds when I write it, but that's exactly what she looks like.
"What an overly aggravating man you are, I suppose," the little girl commented at the newly arrived guest of the library.
"First loli acquired!" Subaru declared with a grin. "Come on, you're wasting that cute face by frowning like that, you know? Smile, smile!" He did his best impression of his canon counterpart's opening line, inching closer to the tiny, unimpressed girl.
"The only smile you deserve is a derivative sneer, I suppose," the girl replied flatly, not even bothering to look up from her book.
"Hehe, maybe so. But a sneer from you is still better than a smile from some people," Subaru shot back, shamelessly fishing for anything that resembled a win.
"Disgusting, in fact," Beatrice said, taking his words in the worst way possible.
"Not like that! Honestly, why is everyone's first assumption about me is that I'm some kind of pervert?" Subaru groaned into the void. He hadn't even been in this world for a full day, and somehow he'd already been labeled a stalker and a masochist.
"Maybe don't act like a weirdo. That usually helps people not get labeled as a pervert, in fact," the little girl offered, her advice barely disguising the insult behind it.
"Naaah, sanity is overrated," Subaru waved her off like the unhinged man he proudly was.
"Anyway! I heard from Rem that you're the best healer in this whole place. My forearm got sliced up a few hours ago, and Emilia-tan did patch it up, but..." He raised his right arm and started flexing his fingers. "Now my middle finger moves every time I try to move my pinky."
To demonstrate, he wiggled his hand—sure enough, the movements were awkwardly out of sync, like a puppet being controlled by someone with jumbled up strings.
"And why must Betty help you, I suppose?" the little girl asked, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.
"Because you're nice and kind?" Subaru offered with a grin, immediately earning a visible scowl on her otherwise adorable face.
"Come here," she huffed, setting her book down on the nearby table and hopping off her little stool with all the grace of a very reluctant magical little ojou-sama.
Subaru approached with a smug smile and knelt down, presenting his arm for inspection like some knight offering a sacred relic. All so the tiny library Ojou-sama could examine his messed-up forearm.
The girl observed his forearm closely, eyes narrowing in quiet concentration—then, without warning, her small hand began to glow with an ethereal white light.
"How is it? Is it fixable?" Subaru asked, hopeful.
"Yes. Unfortunately," she replied sharply, like healing him was some sort of moral defeat.
A few minutes passed with her working in silence, and then the glow finally faded. Subaru flexed his fingers experimentally and was surprised to find—
he could actually move them. No twinges, no stabs of pain, and most importantly, no rogue finger doing jazz hands whenever he tried to make a fist.
"Wow," he muttered, flexing his hand. "I forgot arms aren't supposed to hurt when you move them."
"Then you're an idiot, in fact," the little girl replied flatly.
She took a step forward, and Subaru didn't react—she was tiny, and didn't exactly radiate danger. What's she gonna do? Tickle him?
So he let her approach, not thinking much of it, until she suddenly placed a hand on his stomach—
No wait a minute.
"Wait, no—I know what this one—"
"Then you should brace yourself I suppose," she said with a grin that was far too pleased with itself.
Then pain.
A jolt tore through his gut like someone had plugged a vacuum into his blood vessels and hit max power. It was sharp, it was shocking,
and it was completely unprompted.
Subaru dropped like a sack of laundry.
To be fair, it was technically past his bedtime. Back in his world, it was already around 9 a.m. and he hadn't slept since the night before. Combine that with Beatrice's impromptu magical suck suck?
Yeah— he is out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, back on earth…
The classroom buzzed with half-asleep students as the teacher took attendance.
"Natsuki Subaru? Is Natsuki Subaru here?"
A classmate lazily raised their hand.
"He got isekai'd."
The teacher blinked.
"...What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mmm. Unfamiliar ceiling." Subaru woke up from the sudden mana tax from the IRS, also known as Betty, in an unfamiliar room unbeknownst to him.
"Oh right. I got isekai'd and I didn't even question it," he mumbled to himself about his situation. After sleeping the adrenaline off, he finally got a clear view of his current situation.
"I fought an assassin, got my forearm torn open, and witnessed magic firsthand. And now I'm in a mansion. What should be my next move?" he thought to himself. At times like this, fanfiction is far more reliable than actual canon.
Look. Canon is already gone. I don't care how similar the things he does are to what canon Subaru did — it's not going to be the same.
Elsa proves it. She has those stupid rune things that weren't even there in canon.
'So... what now? Which fanfic can I copy to make things easier for myself?' Subaru thought, staring at the ceiling.
'Black Phoenix and its weird quantum magic stuff? Could work—if I can replicate it. Friends in High Places? What, do I just walk up to Volcanica and ask him to be my dragon daddy and fix my problems?'
'Spirit King... eh. I'm supposed to have high spirit affinity, but making a contract with anyone other than Beako feels like cheating.'
"Mmm... no matter how I look at it, learning magic might be the only way to avoid getting killed as much," he mumbled, thinking through his options and how to stay alive in a world way above the norm.
"Nee-sama, Nee-sama. Our guest seems to have lost his mind."
"Rem, Rem. He's talking to himself like a maniac."
"And then there's those two. One wrong move and I'm dead. Man, they have no chill."
"Rem, Rem. He's talking about us like we're not even here."
"Nee-sama, Nee-sama. That's not fair. It was our thing first."
"Honestly? Why do I even bother being here? Just one more year and I would've graduated high school. Then I could've gone to college, gotten a decent job… But now I'm stuck solving problems that have nothing to do with me."
"Nee-sama, Nee-sama. His delusion is getting worse. He's speaking gibberish now."
"Rem, Rem. Our guest appears to suffer from illusions of grandeur. It's terminal, Ram heard."
"Well, I get to look at beautiful ladies every day, so maybe this isn't so bad. Though the pink one's not so mu—Ghk!"
Suddenly, Subaru was gut-punched out of nowhere.
"Apologize." said the pink menace. "There seemed to be a bug under the sheet, so Ram was trying to eliminate it."
"The only thing under the sheet was me, idiot," Subaru groaned, clutching his stomach after getting his wind knocked out first thing in the morning.
"Exactly," the pink girl replied, as if stating an obvious fact.
Subaru groaned in pain. For someone so petite, the pink-haired girl hit harder than any pro boxer back in his world.
How the hell can that twink of an arm generate that much force? he thought, wheezing.
"What are you two doing here anyway?" Subaru finally asked the important question. "Don't tell me you enjoy watching a teenage boy sleep that much."
"No. Fortunately, you are the only stalker in this mansion, Barusu-sama."
Ehhh?Sama now, huh?
"We were tasked by Roswaal-sama to bring you to the dining room. It's about your deeds last night," Rem added, ever the informative maid.
"Oh right. I did save the candidate he's sponsoring, huh?" Subaru grinned, full of smug confidence. "Wonder what kind of reward I'm getting for that."
The two maids rolled their eyes in perfect sync and began walking, choosing to ignore his inflated sense of importance as they made their way to the dining room.
"By the way, who changed my clothes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You. Are. Fucking. Lying," Subaru said flatly as they made their way down the hall toward the dining room.
"We are not," Rem replied, calm as ever. "Roswaal-sama did, in fact, change your clothes. Despite our... strong objections."
"Nope. You're lying. That's fake. I refuse to accept that as reality. I don't care how many times you say it."
"Deny it all you want," Ram added, smirking with far too much satisfaction. "It won't change the fact that Roswaal-sama touched your bare skin."
Subaru visibly shuddered. And sighed.
"This world is a mistake."
"I don't understand why you're so repulsed by the idea of Roswaal-sama changing your clothes," Ram said, frowning at Subaru's overly dramatic disgust.
"Yeah, of course you'd say that," Subaru shot back without looking at her. "You're a simp."
The maids didn't respond—though Ram did scoff faintly—and the group finally reached the dining room. As the doors opened, Subaru noticed someone already sitting at the long table.
"Emilia-tan!" he beamed. "Man, how nice it is to see someone who won't kill me for smelling bad."
Rem flinched slightly at that.
"That's a… very morbid way to greet someone. Are you alright?" Emilia asked, looking a little concerned.
"I'm fine! Never better!" Subaru said with way too much energy as he made his way toward her seat. "Thanks to Beako's late-night healing magic, I'm all patched up."
"I'm glad…" Emilia smiled, but her voice dropped a little. "I did say I only mended your arm a little, didn't I? Healing magic was never really my specialty, see…" A hint of shame slipped into her tone as she looked away.
"It's fine! It's all in the past," Subaru said with a grin as he pulled out the chair next to her and sat down. "By the way, Emilia-tan—that dress? Ten out of ten. Whoever picked it really knows their stuff."
"Oh, this?" Emilia looked down shyly at her outfit. "Puck picked it out for me."
"Well, he's got good taste. But honestly, anything would look good with that cute face of yours~" Subaru added, turning on the charm.
"Hmpf! You're already teasing me this early in the morning?"
"Hey, I'll tease you any time of day. Morning? Evening? Middle of the night? You will never know peace again!"
"I… don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." Emilia muttered, flustered but clearly amused.
The two of them kept chatting for a while until the sound of footsteps echoed from the hallway, drawing Subaru's attention to the door.
The footsteps were… off. Sharp. Precise. Not heavy, but distinct—clack, clack, like something hard hitting the floor in rhythm. Not metal, though. More like…
...A heel.
No.
"I'm sorry for making you all wait~ That was very tardy of me~"
The voice that came as the door opened was… unexpected.
Sweet.
No.
"As the owner of the mansion, I should've been here first. But alas, work has taken up far too much of my time," the explanation flowed smoothly, but Subaru wasn't listening to the words.
He was listening to the voice.
That high-pitched. Smooth. Feminine. Voice.
NO.
"Since we have a guest, I believe introductions are in order, aren't they?"
The person who stepped through the door looked to be a woman in her mid-twenties, wearing a dark purple dress speckled with star-like patterns. A large bow sat neatly around the midsection of the outfit.
A purple gem was nestled in the center of the neckpiece she wore, matching the earrings dangling from both ears. A dark, violet flower-shaped hairpiece rested delicately on the side of her head.
NO.
Her hair was a deep blue, styled into an elegant side-drill that bounced gently with her every step as she walked gracefully into the room.
NO!
"My name is Roswaal Liliane Mathers," she said with a bright, welcoming smile, her gaze locking onto the boy frozen in horror.
"Yoroshiku~ Onegaishimasu neeee~?"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!