CHAPTER 4
REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS TO LOVE
ARI
I never understood why I suddenly started dreaming about someone watching me. At first, I assumed I was too tired or that high school was stressing me out. But then I realized it was because of what was going to happen to me. He's my ex-boyfriend, Liam, and he was the one who caused one of the worst times of my life. He caused me hurt during our relationship; he would lose control and end up hitting me. After hurting me, he would apologize when he saw I wanted to break up. To him, it didn't make sense, and I thought he was treating me like an idiot.
Until recently, I understood everything, but it was too late. He sought me out everywhere to apologize; he often cried to make me feel bad. I believed him every time; falling was always my doom. I thought there weren't any worse things, but now I face the most difficult test to overcome: losing the will to live and feeling bad all the time. This became a daily occurrence after we officially ended our relationship.
I'd been recovering for a year and a half, but I still didn't understand if the boy who had been harassing me was Liam. I had no contact with him anymore, but the dreams didn't stop. Why did I never stop dreaming? Months went by and they continued, but I felt like I was getting over what had happened during that time. It was weird.
The psychologist said they could be signs of trauma, but I tried to explain to her that the things happening in those dreams didn't make sense. They were situations that had never happened during my relationship with him. I tried to explain it without sounding crazy, but then they stopped appearing—not completely, but they didn't bother me every day anymore.
Over time, I've gotten better, and I could say I'm at my best, both emotionally and physically. It's not because I'm interested in someone, but because I'm recovering.
But things were taking a turn. I was late falling asleep that night, staring out the closed window, my mind playing tricks on me. There were times when I thought it was a person watching me, but all I had to do was look closely to realize it was the branches of a tree suddenly hitting the window in the wind.
"What are you going to say to that idiot?" Jeff stood off to the side, walking toward the high school. "Seriously, you should stay away from him."
If you were wondering if I told him what the police officer said, I didn't. I would have if it weren't for his request that the information be kept only to the people involved.
I thought things through; I need to find out if Liam knows anything first, but involving Jeff could be dangerous. He said Jeff was part of the public media and that I should be cautious around me in case someone might overhear our conversations. He also said to keep him updated when Jeff spoke to Ian about the rumor, since when I told him, he said it was suspicious that he was the one spreading the rumor.
I understand Jeff's position; I had the same feeling about Liam two years ago, but circumstances made me see it differently.
"I'll try to ask questions that might help the investigation. If you're so keen to say he did it, he's going to tell me an absurd lie about where he was yesterday. I want to know at least how he answers," I said, trying to convince him, and although he doubted me a little, it seemed to work.
"Since when do you think you're a detective?" he asked me playfully, to which I gave him a smile.
—We should at least look for answers. I want to find answers; I want to know who's behind me, the person who was watching me so closely. I knew where she lived, but I had to prepare myself because if she became close to me over the years, I wouldn't expect anything of what might happen.
"What we should be doing is organizing your birthday," Jeff said, throwing up his hands excitedly, almost as if he were confused and thought it was also his birthday. "We need to figure out where we're going to have the party."
"I told you no parties and no inviting a lot of people," I replied, because last year people ended up at my party who weren't even from high school. I could already guess who had invited them. "I don't think it's the best thing, considering what's been going on lately."
"Now, considering what happened, you're right," Jeff said, touching the back of his neck with an embarrassed expression. "I was excited for your birthday."
"Don't worry, I'll have a good time with the usual people," I said, knowing I'd only be inviting the girls, a friend I made in class, and Jeff. I was fine; I didn't need anything else. "Whatever you're going to tell Liam, do it where there's people around, not in private. We don't know how he'll behave," Jeff told me, still worried that I'd have contact with my ex.
"I'll have to talk to Ian," I said. I was thinking about a lot of things and almost forgot about Ian. He could even be the culprit, but the fact that he was once also my friend would hurt me if he tried to hurt us. It would be hard to bear, even for Jeff, who's closer to him now.
"Okay, when it's break, we'll talk about what happened and text me if you see anything strange," I told him, and he nodded, typing on his phone.
"He texted me; I'll talk to him in class. Good luck with Liam," he said finally, before saying goodbye and walking down the hall to climb the stairs and lose sight of him. I continued walking down the hall to turn around and go to the classroom where Camila told me Liam was.
The beginning and the end, when we were barely in high school and when we were about to finish these three years. I stood in front of the classroom, about to push the door, and before doing so, I sighed, giving myself courage. I can do it, I can do it.
The moment I walked in, I felt confused stares, and I quickly shifted my gaze to a corner of the room. Liam and two other guys were chatting away, laughing softly. I froze when I saw him smiling like that. I walked over, and his friends' gazes fell on me first; then Liam's. He knew why I was looking for him, and his expression changed, giving me a small smile before standing up and coming toward me.
"Do you need to talk? Don't you ?" he asked, and I nodded, grief welling up. I didn't even know how to act; now that the diagnosis is out, I don't see him the same way anymore, even though I suffered at his hands, even if it wasn't of his own volition. Could I blame him? Who would be to blame? He wasn't on drugs and knew absolutely nothing.
"Yes, but it can't be in public," I told him, and he nodded, understanding. It was a little awkward to talk to each other again after all this time. To talk about the topic that ended our relationship.
"Let's go outside; the teacher might arrive, but I think it's important to talk," he said last, looking at his friends, who nodded, understanding that he would leave the classroom with me.
We walked out of the classroom in silence, passing through the hallways and out into the courtyard. I could feel people's stares.
"Isn't that Jeff's girlfriend ?" I heard a girl say, who immediately turned her head when she saw that I turned to look at her upon hearing her.
Liam didn't say anything until we sat on a bench overlooking the football field. We were alone because everyone else was in class, and sports were after school.
"How have you been all this time?" he asked me once we were seated, directing his gaze straight ahead. Despite glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I kept my eyes on the trees, taking in every detail of the court. I was nervous about having contact with him again, but this time I wasn't afraid. I felt like he wasn't the same person, but neither was I.
"I've been fine; I think I'm better than ever, but then there was the attack and your diagnosis," I said, and he nodded, listening to me.
"How did he take it when you told him?" he asked, and my confused expression suggested I didn't know who I was referring to.
"Jeff," I replied, finally understanding who he was talking about.
"Well, when I told him, he was angry with me, but more than anything, he was disappointed. He had the idea that I trusted him completely, and I do, but the subject with you wasn't something I liked to talk about," I answered honestly, while he let out a sigh and turned his head to the other side so he couldn't see my face.
"Liam, I know you didn't know and you weren't in control," I said, knowing he probably didn't want to make him look bad. We were going through a rough time, but the only one who got help was me. He just had to make it on his own.
"I hurt you with my own hands," he replied in a cold tone I didn't recognize from him. "I'll never forgive myself for that."
I saw him wrinkle his pants with his hands, lower his head and put one of his hands to his forehead, trying to control his tears.
"Liam, it's nobody's fault," I said, trying to touch his shoulder, but he quickly moved away from me to avoid contact.
—Ari, if I hadn't trusted people so much, I never would have become a drug addict against my will, and I wouldn't have hit you. Why didn't you run away from me? Was I so aggressive that I wouldn't let you leave?
—Actually, I've had the opportunity to leave many times.
"Why didn't you do it?" she asked me with a look of incomprehension, and I, at the time, couldn't understand myself. Why cling so tightly to someone?
—Because I loved you.
"Did you still love me after everything I did to you? I really didn't want any of that to happen. I loved you, and in all my right mind, I would never touch a hair on your head. Yet my hands did it against my will."
—I know, Liam.
"You should hate me," he said, getting up from the bench to leave. "I don't even know why I came. Our story is over. We mustn't cross paths, for your sake."
"I can't hate you," I said, stopping him in his tracks. "If you think our story ended two years ago, I won't deny it, but right now we need to find out who's behind all of this."
"What does Jeff think? I don't think he's very happy that you're talking to me, especially now that you're his girlfriend," he said, turning away and shaking his head, rejecting my plan to join him in searching for answers.
—I'm not his girlfriend. Do you really think I'm interested in him like that?
"Perhaps your tastes have changed in these two years," he replied, with the obviousness of someone who knows that we have changed in many ways.
"My tastes?" I replied, now thinking about it. If we compare the two, each is attractive in his own way, more for his style. Although they are both tall, Liam has a simpler style, with his short black hair, while Jeff has blond hair. Liam has green eyes, fair skin, and tattoos on his neck and arms, while Jeff has brown eyes and no tattoos. Jeff tends to lean more toward the "Money" style, while Liam leans more toward the "Urban" style.
"Yeah, what are you going to say? That I wear the same designer clothes as him?" he asked, almost laughing. "Although women tend to like it more."
—He only likes silly girls, and I don't like him at all. He's my best friend, nothing more.
"Women tend to lie a lot," she replied, to which I put my hand to my chest, pretending to be offended.
"Excuse me? Isn't it more likely that men lie?" I replied with a crooked smile, returning the joke. Although, to be fair, that phrase is more theirs than ours.
"Are you generalizing?" He raised an eyebrow, looking at me with amusement.
"You generalized first," I held his gaze.
"I never said you were lying, but if the jacket fits you..." he shrugged with a half-smile. "You gave yourself away."
"Hey! Of course I'm not lying. You know exactly what my type of guy is like," I replied, now avoiding his gaze, watching a group of girls who didn't notice our presence walk by.
—Give me an example, because I honestly think your tastes have changed since that Dylan boy.
I was surprised, although I should be even more surprised if he never found out. But since we were studying at the same place, he must have seen us a couple of times.
"He went because he behaved well. He made an effort to win me over," I said, remembering that Dylan was a good boyfriend, but our story began because he offered me everything after Liam.
It was selfish of me to start that relationship knowing I still loved Liam. But over time, I forgot about it and learned to be with Dylan, until I broke up with him. The reason I started the relationship was because of Liam. I wanted Dylan, but he knew I'd never love him the same way I loved Liam. I'm not lying, I'm reminded of when I first met Liam, who seemed somewhat antisocial because he only hung out with his friends at the salon.
The glances we exchanged when he was new to my class with other classmates. Just like the first moment we saw each other, we couldn't take our eyes off each other. Then, I looked down at my notebooks, not daring to look back, embarrassed and wondering if I was blushing, because I could feel the heat on my cheeks.
It took us a while to even notice each other until we had to form a group for an assignment, where we exchanged numbers to keep in touch. I talked to Camila about how much I liked her, but my embarrassment at talking to her was evident. Camila said he seemed interested too, but I refused to accept it, since I'd never had a boyfriend or dated guys.
When it came time to message her asking if she had her share of the work to add her information, it took her five hours to respond. She apologized, saying she was working. Then she sent her information and asked if what she'd written was okay. I said yes, and Camila insisted I try to talk to her more. I tried asking her a few questions, thinking she'd leave me on read or not answer, but she responded quickly and with interest. I sent Camila the screenshots, and she was thrilled with me. I remember throwing myself at her bed and screaming with excitement, hiding my happiness in the pillows, kicking my feet back and forth like a girl in love.
"Why are you blushing?" he asked, looking confused. "I see. You must have thought of him."
"No, I actually thought... but I couldn't say it out loud," I shook my head, embarrassed, touching my face. At that moment, I saw Jeff approaching us with a serious expression. I got in front of him before he could address Liam, afraid an argument would start.
"What are you doing? I told you I'd talk to him," Jeff exclaimed, trying to move forward. I tried to push him back, preventing him from getting close to Liam.
"Are you going to talk to him or hit him?" I asked, seeing the pent-up frustration on his face . "We're in high school; you'll be in trouble."
"Does that matter?" he retorted, looking at me with the conviction that he believed he was protecting me from Liam, although deep down I also longed to hit him to pay him back, but the feeling prevented me from materializing.
"Of course it matters," I replied firmly.
"Let him talk to me," Liam said, overhearing our conversation. I looked him in the eye and, despite knowing I was making a mistake, shook my head. But he turned his attention from me to Jeff.
"How can you be so calm?" Jeff asked, clearly annoyed.
"It's not that. It's just that you're making things up about me. You look at me the same way my aunt looks at me," Liam replied, his expression saddened, causing my hands to slip from Jeff's shirt.
"Like a fucking bully?" Jeff answered, almost shouting, filled with fury.
"Yeah, like that," I reaffirmed, lowering my head to look at the ground. Just as I tried to approach Liam, Jeff stepped forward and hit him with a blow that made me flinch. I grabbed his arm, trying to pull him away.
"Jeff! Stop it! It's not his fault!" I exclaimed. Jeff looked at me in a way I didn't recognize. Shortly after, I explained, using the words of Officer Garcia , that according to the diagnosis, Liam hadn't acted voluntarily.
"It's the police! They could be lying!" Jeff shouted, shaking his head and avoiding Jeff's disapproving gaze. I bent down to help Liam up from the floor, watching blood trickle from his nose.
—How can you trust him so much? And not me?
"Jeff..." I tried to speak, while watching Liam, already standing, trying to stop the bleeding.
"I still don't understand how you ended up like this," Jeff said, referring to the two of them. "How much are you willing to put up with?" he asked, sighing as he held Liam's arm.
"I trust you, but the police officer told me to be discreet. They drugged Liam without his consent to make him act that way, and they eliminated evidence. They're reopening the case."
—So they'll find out who really wanted to hurt Liam? And then what?
"Do you still not trust me?" Liam asked Jeff, to which Jeff offered a forced smile.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but if the attacker thing is true, I'd rather you stay away from her. I don't want you to get beaten up again if they drug you again without your consent," I replied, and Liam nodded.
"We'll just talk about the case until they find the culprit, and when the time comes, we'll have zero contact," Liam declared. I dropped my hand from his arm at those words. What was he feeling? "Are you okay with that, Ari?"
"Yes, that's fine, that's the right thing to do," I replied, and Jeff noticed my serious expression.
"I'm leaving," Liam announced, giving me a look that made me think his words were hiding more than they were saying. "I'll text you as soon as Agent Garcia has any progress."
I nodded and watched him walk away, heading to the nurse's station to treat his bloody nose. The awkward silence that fell after his departure was evident.
"Whether it's true or not, you have to stay away from him. Maybe the attacker thinks you're still close to him and that's why he attacked us," she told me, to which I could only nod, swallowing and holding back tears. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
—I don't see the need; you've already made the decision.
—Ari, I'm just protecting you.
"I know, Jeff... I know," I said, looking in the direction Liam went.
—If he loves you, he'll walk away and make the best decision for your sake. He needs to show it.
"I know he'll get away from me; it's been a while, and I know how he'll act, and he'll be able to figure me out too." I tried to smile, accepting that this is how things would be. "I have no doubt he won't."
"It's still your weakness," Jeff said, approaching me as I stared at him. "And you're the one between us."
The two of us... but the love I feel for him is different from the one he feels. Isn't that right?
—Why is it still relevant? Despite the passage of time...
—Because you still love him.
"But it's been two years," I replied, as if it were absurd.
"Some loves last for years," Jeff said, "but he's not the one for you. That's why you drifted apart."
—But neither of them wanted to leave.
—I mean, there are things that are inevitable, no matter how hard you try to avoid them.
I stepped back to look at him and silently shook my head; it was too unfair.
—No one was there for him, and I want to be there for him now, even if it's too late. I don't care if there's no more feelings left.
Jeff didn't say anything before walking away as I hurried toward the infirmary. I opened the door, expecting to find the nurse, but I didn't see her. I just stared at the glowing spotlights until I noticed Liam sitting on a stretcher with the first-aid kit, trying to heal himself.
I sat down next to him, grabbed a box, and grabbed some alcohol ointment to clean the blood running from his nose and mouth. Before I began to help him, he looked at me and shed a tear.
"Don't do it. Let's stop acting like this," he said, and I lowered my hand, afraid of the words I knew would hurt me. "Our relationship ended a long time ago."
"I just want to help you, that's all," I told him, and even though he walked away, I managed to start cleaning. "Stop moving; if my touch bothers you so much, I'll do it this one time, because you really need help."
He didn't say anything. I hurried so as not to leave a trace of blood. Then I applied some ointment for the scratches on his nose, and he groaned, probably because it was burning.
I lowered my hands when I finished and noticed we were very close. His gaze fell directly on me, and, rather than reciprocate, I lowered mine as I put my things away. He took one of my hands and began to turn it over, examining my scar.
"You didn't do it," I replied, so he wouldn't think he'd caused the wound. "That happened to me when I was little."
"The fire where you and your parents were?" she asked gently, remembering it. I nodded without any embarrassment. My biological parents died in a fire, and I was adopted by my mother's brother, who was a newlywed. His wife, my adoptive mother, didn't want children so soon.
—Yes, you remembered.
"It's not like you're easy to forget," he smiled, but looked down, as if he regretted saying that. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yes," I replied, looking at him closely.
—Have you forgiven me or are you still afraid of me?
—The fact that I'm helping you says a lot.
—If you had never known the diagnosis, would you still hate me?
—I never hated you, Liam. I suffered, I can't deny that, but I assure you I've overcome it.
—You made it? Really?
—Would you act aggressively right now?
—No, I wouldn't.
"That's enough for me," I smiled sincerely, and so did he.
"Thanks, Ari. Thanks for everything," Liam thanked me, and I nodded.
My phone rang with a call from an unknown number. I hesitated for a moment, but answered it and put the phone to my ear.
"Ari?" a distorted voice asked. It was the same boy who attacked me. His voice had the same masked sound. I put the phone down and put it on speakerphone.
I looked at Liam, and from his expression I knew he was scared too.
"How did you get my number?" I asked.
"It wasn't difficult... You gave it to me yourself," he replied with a low, mocking laugh.
My breath hitched. Did I give it to him myself? So Officer Garcia was right. I knew this person.
—Why did you call me? What do you want?
—I'm offended that you're talking to me like that... I wish you'd treat me like Liam or Jeff. You seem to get along so well with them.
A chill ran down my spine. Was he listening to my conversations?
Liam took the phone from my hand, squeezing it tightly.
—Why are you bothering her now? Didn't you mean to hurt me?
There was an awkward silence before the voice responded, this time in an icy tone.
—I should have killed you when I had the chance... but I didn't want to take the risk.
A lump of terror caught in my throat.
"Why are you doing this to us?" I asked, my voice shaking.
The stranger sighed, as if my fear amused him.
—Don't you understand? I'm doing this for you... Just for you, my dear Ari.