High above Jarilo-VI, within the swirling blizzard, a strange train carriage could be faintly seen hurtling toward the ground at over 800 kilometers per hour.
That's right—it was one of the carriages of the Astral Express.
It cut a magnificent arc through the snowstorm before executing an absurdly high-speed drift across the snow-covered terrain, finally coming to a smooth stop.
About three minutes later, Mo Wang and the others emerged from within.
"So, this is how we Nameless travel to other planets? By airdropping a train car? I never knew the carriages could detach like this."
The moment he stepped outside, Mo Wang couldn't help but start complaining. He'd always assumed the Nameless used Anchor Points to travel. And now they were telling him the Express didn't even need its locomotive, that every single carriage was basically its own mini-spaceship? Talk about a high-tech train.
"How was that? Exciting, right? Felt like a rollercoaster, didn't it?" March 7th sidled up to him, a proud little look on her face. "This is a travel method exclusive to the Nameless. Ordinary people don't get to ride like this. Pretty amazing, huh?"
"It's amazing, alright." Mo Wang gave her a deadpan stare. "I just didn't expect our landing method to be so... primitive."
"Huh? Primitive?" March blinked. "What's primitive about this? How did you think we usually got to other places?" she asked, scratching her head.
"Uh... just jumping?" Mo Wang ventured uncertainly.
"What, you think we're all some kind of super robots? Capable of solo atmospheric re-entry and all that?" March retorted.
"We can't do that?"
"Of course not! Even for the Nameless, that's pushing it, don't you think?!" March shot Mo Wang a look. What on earth goes through this guy's head?
"Oh? So we can't?" Mo Wang glanced at Dan Heng, and then at Welt on his other side.
Faced with his questioning gaze, Dan Heng and Welt both looked a little stumped.
Dan Heng: Wait, we can't do that?
Welt: Well... can we really not do that?
The former First Herrscher and the young Vidyadhara High Elder were both lost in thought.
"Of course we can't! Hey! What are you two thinking about?! Don't scare me like that!" Seeing that Dan Heng and Welt weren't refuting him and were actually contemplating it, March felt a chill run down her spine.
Have Uncle Yang and Dan Heng been infected with the Mo Wang virus? Am I the only sane one left on this train?!
"Could it be, March," Mo Wang said, patting her shoulder sympathetically, "that you're the only one here who can't do it?"
Alas, he thought, in the current patch, March is the only one who hasn't unlocked her ultimate power-up. The other two have already gotten their buffs, but poor March hasn't even managed to get an S-rank form. Truly tragic.
"D-Don't be ridiculous! Something like a solo drop from orbit... even I can do that!"
"Oh?"
"Really?"
"Uh, March, even if you encase yourself in ice, you'd still die from the impact, right?"
"Don't push yourself, March. We won't laugh at you if you can't."
"I really can! Don't believe me? I'll jump right now and show you!"
Hearing the heartless words from the three of them, March was so frustrated she was on the verge of tears.
"Uh, March, if you cry here, are you sure your eyes won't freeze shut? By the way, does the power of the Trailblaze keep tears warm? I don't have any boiling water on me if your eyes get frozen."
"You...! I'm gonna kill you right now!"
Pushed over the edge by Mo Wang's complete inability to say anything decent, March lunged at him with a roar.
Dan Heng and Welt wisely chose to ignore the bickering pair.
"Uncle Yang, what's our next move? This place doesn't look inhabited," Dan Heng asked, surveying the white expanse of snow and wind.
"According to the coordinates from the Express, we aren't too far from our destination. But it looks like we'll have to proceed on foot from here."
"Eh? We have to walk? That's such a pain. Speaking of which, since we're here, why couldn't they give us a snowmobile or something?" March, who was currently trying to put Mo Wang in an armbar, immediately let her expression fall.
Even if the power of the Trailblaze kept them from feeling the cold, trekking through such deep snow sounded awful. By the time they reached their destination, they'd probably be soaked.
"Actually, we used to have a snow sled..."
"Ah, I remember now. I think that sled was only used once before it..."
Welt and Dan Heng trailed off, both turning their gazes toward March 7th.
"Ahem! Let's walk! Walking is the best! I love walking!"
The moment she heard them mention the sled, March let out a nervous laugh and started marching forward with large strides.
Seeing her reaction, Dan Heng and Welt said nothing. When it came to March, formerly the Express's number one agent of destruction, they were more or less used to it.
...
"Hey, is that a person over there?"
They hadn't taken more than a few steps before March spotted what looked like a pile of snow up ahead.
Truth be told, a pile of snow in a place like this shouldn't have been anything out of the ordinary. The problem was, this freaking snow pile was trembling nonstop.
And the person underneath it had their feet sticking out.
Seriously, if you're going to hide, at least do a better job. Lying face down in the snow without any proper insulation—were they fearless or just suicidal?
"Hey, that person's not dead, are they? They're not, right?" March asked the others.
"Still shaking, so probably not. Why don't you go stab them a couple of times? If they scream, they're alive."
"S-Stab them? Even if they weren't dead, that would finish them off! Can't you be serious for once?" March grumbled.
Despite the banter, the four of them approached the snow pile.
"Hello? Do you need help?" March called out.
But there was no response from the pile.
"No answer. Did they really die in there?" March glanced back at Mo Wang.
"Don't panic. Maybe they're just frozen stiff. Watch this!"
Mo Wang, who already knew the plot, immediately took out his staff and gave the person's rear end a few good pokes.
"Huh? Still no reaction." March looked at the snow pile, which now seemed to have stopped shaking altogether.
"Wait, that's not right... It shouldn't be like this. This isn't how the script goes, is it?" Mo Wang was baffled.
According to the original story, all it should have taken was a couple of pokes from Dan Heng's spear, and Jarilo-VI's number one jester, Sampo, would have jumped out. Why was there no response?
Could it be that his staff didn't do enough damage?
"It seems... this person is frozen stiff," Dan Heng said, brushing away the snow on top. A man who looked like he was about to become a popsicle was revealed, and Mo Wang saw it was Sampo.
"Holy crap, he's actually freezing to death?"
Mo Wang stared at Sampo's bluish face, completely dumbfounded.
Dude, we were only a few hours late! How are you already on death's door? Aren't you supposed to be a legendary Emanator of Elation? What? Was my intel wrong?
"Hey! Buddy, don't you dare actually die on me! If you die, who's going to kick off the main quest for us?!"
Mo Wang raised his hand and slapped Sampo across the face twice. But unfortunately, his cheeks were already hard as rock.
"I don't think two more slaps are going to make him get up."
March couldn't help but call Mo Wang out for slapping the guy. "He's frozen stiff, not passed out!"
"The situation looks grim. His body temperature has dropped severely. We need to start a fire immediately."
Welt could tell with a single glance that the man had been lying in the snow for far too long and was suffering from severe hypothermia.
"Huh? A fire?" March looked around at the desolate wilderness. Forget finding a source of ignition; there wasn't even a single Pyro-type among them. How were they supposed to start a fire?
"In that case, our only option is to head for our original destination," Welt sighed, looking at the half-dead Sampo on the ground. "Let's just hope he survives until then."
However, before Welt could even offer a moment of silence for Sampo, a sudden burst of flame from the side startled him.
"Huh? What's going on?"
Welt turned to see Mo Wang holding the Might of An-Utu, poised to bring it down on Sampo.
"What in the world are you doing?! Put that sword down this instant!"
The sight of Mo Wang's actions nearly gave Welt a heart attack. One swing from that thing would probably wipe out the entire area.
"Huh? You're the one who said we needed a fire. So I took out my giant fire sword."
Mo Wang was just stating the obvious. He might not have his lance of flames yet, but he had the high-spec alternative. With one swing of this greatsword, he could definitely warm things up.
"Who uses a divine key to start a campfire?! Do the Kaslanas know you're doing this with their family heirloom?"
Even though Welt knew this was just a replica Mo Wang had created, he was at a complete loss for words. If Kevin knew his signature weapon was being used for this, he'd probably crawl out of his grave to personally throttle the guy.
"Whoa, what a cool greatsword! Mo Wang, you had something like this?"
March's eyes lit up the moment she saw the awesome weapon in Mo Wang's hands.
"That weapon... it's powerful. Where on earth did you get it? I've never seen you use it before," Dan Heng couldn't help but ask.
"Uh, technically, it was a gift... from me to me? Well, I also kind of just copied it myself," Mo Wang said, sounding uncertain.
"What's that supposed to mean? Can't you ever speak plainly?" March huffed, making it clear she couldn't understand a word he was saying.
"Never mind that! We have a fire now, right? I'll save this lunkhead!"
And so, under Welt's watchful gaze, Mo Wang carefully extended the flaming blade toward Sampo's... rear end.
Welt felt a massive headache coming on. Look, Mo Wang's intention to save the guy was good, but why did he have to use the Might of An-Utu? The guy had plenty of other fire-based weapons, right? Why did he have to pick the one that could accidentally kill them all with a single misstep? And was roasting someone's butt with a divine key really okay? If his hand slipped, the man could say goodbye to his entire lower half.
But despite his mountain of misgivings, Welt didn't stop him.
A moment later, he regretted that decision.
"Whoops, it's lit."
Mo Wang's hand suddenly "slipped," and old Sampo's rear instantly burst into flames.
FWOOSH!
A raging inferno erupted from Sampo's lower body. To be fair, the quality of his clothes was top-notch; despite being ignited by a divine weapon, they didn't immediately turn to ash.
"Um, should we maybe put that out?" March asked uncertainly. If this kept up, they wouldn't be saving him so much as cremating him.
"Hold on, I think he's about to wake up!"
Just then, the deathly blue pallor on Sampo's face was replaced with a healthy flush, which quickly deepened into a bright crimson.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
(Imagine a classic Tom & Jerry scream here.)
Poor old Sampo let out a piercing shriek and immediately began rolling around in the snow. Good grief, with all that black smoke and fire, you'd think someone was having a barbecue.
"My butt! My butt is on fire! Help me!" Sampo screamed. He tried to use the snow to put out the flames, but to his horror, he discovered that mere snow had no effect whatsoever on this fire.
"What the hell is this?! Help!"
"Don't just stand there! Help him!"
March immediately grabbed Dan Heng and rushed over to Sampo, giving him a swift kick.
"HOLY—!"
The kick sent Sampo sprawling, and he was pretty sure his tailbone had just cracked.
"Little lady, what are you doing?! I said put out the fire, not kick me!" Sampo was on the verge of tears. He could feel himself starting to cook.
"Don't worry! I heard the best way to put out a fire is to stomp on it really hard! Hold on, I'm coming!"
Before Dan Heng could even say a word, March had already landed two more kicks.
"No, wait! Not there! Don't—AAAAAHHH!!!"
This time, as March's kicks landed, Sampo really started crying for his mom and dad.
"Mo Wang, put it out, now!" Welt yelled.
"Huh? Put it out? I don't know how!" Mo Wang stared blankly at Welt. What? You could extinguish the flames of the Might of An-Utu? Since when did he know that move?
"You—!"
Welt slapped his forehead, suddenly remembering that this Mo Wang was slightly different from the one he knew. This one hadn't obtained his Authority yet.
By now, Dan Heng had also joined them. The three of them stared at the roaring bonfire on Sampo's person, then looked at each other.
"So, uh... all together?"
The three of them nodded in unison, and then... they all joined in on the great Sampo-stomping campaign.
"You bunch of animals! Go easy on me! Help! Murder! Where are the Belobog guards?! Are they all dead?!"
Now experiencing quadruple the "Elation," Sampo was practically delirious. All he wanted was for someone from Belobog to come and save him.
Otherwise, he was about to become the first Masked Fool in history to be burned to death.