[[Now is not the time.]] – Auntie and John don't seem to have liked my clever name. But the rat kid has no time to explain things to these uncultured apes. The rat kid is busy scurrying for his life and all that.
Unfortunately, Toad-eater spots us mid-retreat… Thinking about it, it is somewhat scary. It even has little devil horns which, combined with its horizontal pupils, doesn't exactly make for a face that invites you over for tea.
[GET DOWN!] – I yell instinctively when Toad-eater starts moving its mouth in a weird way.
Immediately, I throw myself toward Auntie and John, shoving them to the ground.
Just a moment later, the enormous tongue passes inches away from us with such speed that the residual wind drags us a bit.
CRACKKK
Debris flies as Toad-eater's tongue shatters the wall of the building several meters ahead.
[WHO SUMMONED THE DAMN TOADS FROM KONOSUBA?] – Just what the rat kid fucking needed, they brought the final bosses from another world.
BANG BANG
Without overthinking it, I pull out my Magnums and fire.
[ARGGGG!] – The worst fucking mistake of my life.
Not only did it feel like my bones were being smashed with a hammer, but to top it off, the damn Magnum bullets just bounced right off Toad-eater.
Although they didn't pass with zero damage; judging by its reaction, it was nothing more than getting hit by a light dodgeball.
""Griii""
[ASTRAD!] – Auntie freaks out and holds me while I'm busy crying in pain.
grug
Meanwhile, Toad-eater has already retracted its tongue and lets out that weird Toad-eater sound.
BANGBANGBANGBANG*
John fires his submachine gun at will; although I thought it would have even less effect than my Magnum, it seems the continuity annoys it more.
[To the building, now.] – At John's command, we move quickly to the building next to us.
Bang
Auntie immediately blows a path through the glass door with her pistol.
[Pardon the intrusion,] – I say entering the building – [Some idiot broke your door.] – Manners make the rat kid.
[Do you seriously have to do that?]
[The rat kid was raised well… by getting beaten.]
While I was arguing with Auntie…
grug
That annoying sound is heard again.
[I'm shitting on…] – John complains as he raises the muzzle of his submachine gun without stopping his fire.
[[GET OUT OF THERE!]]
[I KNOW!]
John rolls toward us and the very next instant…
CRACK
The earth trembles again, but this time with more force because we are very close to the cause of a giant crater in the asphalt.
BANGBANGBANGBANG*
Auntie opens fire, covering John.
[Through the back door!]
[Is there a back door here?]
[IF NOT, MAKE ONE!]
The rat kid finds no flaws in her logic.
BANG+BANGBANGBANG*
BANG+BANGBANGBANG*
BANGBANGBANGBANG*
We fall back under the covering fire and I quickly find the door that leads to the back of the reception area. Those are usually offices, and offices usually have windows facing outside.
That's a door, right? … A door-dow.
[[GET DOWN!]]-John, Yumi-
I throw myself to the ground alongside the goblins without a second thought, and the next instant the damn missile-tongue grazes my back.
CRACKCRACK*
Luckily, this time it worked out in my favor.
[I found a door,] – I declare proudly while pointing at the massive holes.
[That's my boy.] – Auntie gives me some well-deserved praise – [Now we just have to figure out how to make this thing stop following us.] – she said while approaching me, still shooting.
Although somewhat effective, the toad is still advancing toward us and has already entered the building, tearing down the walls as if they were made of Lego.
It seems the ceiling slows it down a bit, which at least saves us from its jump.
To put it bluntly, leaving directly from here is not necessarily the best idea.
[Don't worry,] – said John, who was further ahead, unhooking a grenade from his vest. – [I know the perfect argument to convince a stalker.]
He declares this, throwing the grenade at Toad-eater, and just a couple of seconds later, the building caught on fire.
GRUAAAAAA
CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK*
Judging by how it started freaking out and writhing, Toad-eater definitely felt that one.
[Kekeke, I call that a heated argument.]
[Language is 10% words, 90% passion.]
[Just move, you pair of imbeciles.]
The rat kid loves this whole "having competent companions" thing. Who said you should stay away from cops with military weapons in the apocalypse? I'll punch them.
Crackcraack*
Without a second thought, we move away from the spot while the roar of Toad-eater destroying the building echoed behind us.
[A little too effective?] – John wondered, looking over his shoulder with skeptical caution.
[Was it your idea?]
[Yes, yes, but I didn't expect so much effectiveness. I mean, immune to weapons, but so weak against fire?]
[In its defense, fire burns.]
[I'm just saying it's weird.]
The rat kid thinks John's argument is invalid. What's weird about being weak to fire? Stick yourself in a burning campfire and see.
[Obviously it isn't. Bullets don't have edges, so technically they deal crushing damage, just very fast and small, which makes them penetrate. Whereas fire is… I don't know, burning damage I guess. They are different types of damage, it's normal.] – the rat kid concludes.
""Griii""
[Kora and Ruby agree with the rat kid.]
[It's normal for a little girl to agree with her Daddy.]
[Rot in hell.]
[We can share parenting anecdotes later, focus on the escape.] - Auntie complained.
… You rot in hell too.
......…..
DIARY ENTRY NO: 105
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Beelzebufo gigas (The Giant Devil Frog)
REGIONAL ALIASES:
Japanese Folklore: The Ogama (The Giant Mountain Toad).
Biblical Texts: The Second Plague (Exodus).
Cryptozoology: The Loveland Demon / The Amazon Man-Eater.
NICKNAME (ASTRAD): The Rubber Missile
📊 THREAT EVALUATION
CLASSIFICATION: TERRITORIALIS / VENATOR
Theoretically, an amphibian scaled to megafauna proportions would not be a pursuit hunter, but rather the ultimate ambush predator. It would claim an area with high biomass, camouflage itself as a mound of rubble or mud, and wait. It doesn't look for food; it makes the food come to it.
DANGER LEVEL: ORANGE (4 stars)
If this thing exists, it's a walking "Gear Check." A truck-sized toad would be invulnerable to civilian firearms. Its fat and the mucus on its skin would act like a non-Newtonian fluid: it would stop the kinetic energy of a direct-impact bullet. Standing in front of it without heavy military or incendiary weaponry is a guaranteed Game Over.
AGGRESSION LEVEL: REACTIVE
Real toads don't attack out of malice; they attack based on movement. Their brains are wired to shoot their tongue at anything that crosses their field of vision and is the right size to fit in their mouths. If you move, you are prey.
🧬 COMBAT SHEET (TL;DR)
TYPE: Beast (Mutant Amphibian)
AFFINITY: Physical (Crushing / Kinetic)
🎯 PRIMARY WEAKNESSES (Theoretical):
Fire / Dehydration: Amphibian biology requires moisture. Fire not only burns its sensitive skin but destroys its protective mucous layer, causing extreme pain and cutaneous asphyxiation.
Narrow Areas: Its mobility relies on parabolic jumping. Indoors, it's just a fat target.
Slashing Damage: It's a massive ball of fat and slime, therefore, it should slice like butter (but beware, if its body is covered in slime, it could dull the edge of swords).
📌 KEY STRENGTHS (Hypothetical):
The Fleshy Whip (Tongue): If you've seen a toad hunt, you know its tongue is no joke; that thing on something the size of a truck will definitely do damage.
Ballistic Immunity: Its skin would act like liquid Kevlar.
Area of Effect Damage (Jump): Its own falling weight would create lethal shockwaves.
📚 ORIGINS AND COMPARATIVE MYTHOLOGY
Real Paleontology (Beelzebufo ampinga):
In Madagascar, scientists found fossils of an armored prehistoric toad the size of a mastiff that fed on baby dinosaurs. It had bony shields on its head and even "horns." My theory: If such a species survived in underground caverns and kept growing, the myths of man-eating monsters in impenetrable jungles are perfectly justified.
Japanese Folklore (The Ogama):
Legends from the Edo period speak of the Ogama, a house-sized toad that breathed poisonous mist and impaled travelers with a spear. In my opinion: Peasants from 400 years ago were idiots. It didn't use a "spear"; what the survivors saw was the animal's tongue shooting out so fast that it pierced someone, and in their panic, they drew it as a metal weapon.
The Plagues of Egypt:
A rain of frogs destroying a nation? Sounds exaggerated if you think of little pond frogs. But if we're talking about a swarm of these prehistoric abominations jumping over a city and crushing houses... suddenly the Bible reads more like a military damage report than a metaphor.
📝 DETAILED ANALYSIS
PHYSICAL AND SENSORY DESCRIPTION (Speculation):
Massive, easily exceeding 3 or 4 meters in height. Its skin wouldn't have bony armor like a crocodile, but a thick, rubbery texture covered in a highly viscous secretion. Its eyes would have horizontal pupils, giving it a field of vision of almost 360 degrees.
BEHAVIOR:
Its combat style would be infuriating. Imagine an RPG enemy that just stands there absorbing all physical damage (bullets would literally bounce off), only to wipe you out with a single strike (One-Hit KO) by shooting a tongue from 20 meters away. Its digestion is probably instantaneous due to the stomach acids needed to dissolve bones and armor.
☣️ PROTOCOLS
RECOMMENDED ENCOUNTER PROTOCOL (Theoretical):
DO:
Use Incendiary Weapons: Molotov cocktails, flamethrowers, or phosphorus grenades. If the apocalypse comes, fire will be your best friend against amphibians.
Break Line of Sight: If it can't see you, it won't shoot at you. Take cover behind load-bearing walls (thin walls will be pierced by the tongue).
Drop to the Ground: If its mouth opens and swells, the tongue is coming. The floor is your only dodge option.
DON'T:
Shoot it with Light Weapons or Heavy Revolvers: If you shoot a Magnum at a tractor tire filled with jelly, the bullet is going to bounce. Pure logic.
Run in a Straight Line: You are a perfect target for a fleshy projectile.
FIELD REPORT:
(Extracted from a cryptozoology forum. Supposed report from loggers in the Amazon basin, 1998).
"We had logged up to sector 4. The backhoe stopped because there was a gray boulder blocking the route, the size of a van. Paco went down to see if we could dynamite it. When he kicked the 'rock' with his boot, the rock blinked. A yellow eye, with a black stripe in the middle. Before Paco could scream, something pink shot out from the rock, wrapped around Paco, and dented the excavator's door. In a second, Paco was gone. The rock took a jump that made the earth tremble and disappeared into the thick undergrowth."
🎤 ASTRAD'S ANNOTATIONS (THE ONLY SHIT THAT MATTERS):
If the end of the world comes, I pray to the programming gods that we get zombies. If the collapse of civilization comes, I formally demand to be killed by zombies, mutant vampires, or a dragon that spits lasers. Anything but a fucking giant frog. There isn't a single ounce of epicness in dying chewed up by an obese amphibian with a face that looks like it doesn't know what two plus two is.
It's literally the running joke from Konosuba, but without useless waifus screaming in the background and without comedy music. Evolution is the biggest troll programmer in the universe: it designs a bug with the face of an absolute imbecile, that makes sounds like a drunk with hiccups, but gives it the defensive stats of a Soviet tank so your bullets bounce off making boing. It's an insult to the laws of physics and the sense of good taste.
Can you imagine the level of posthumous humiliation? You survive the end of the world, you arm yourself to the teeth thinking you're the protagonist of Mad Max, and your epitaph ends up saying: "Here lies the dumbass who was licked to death by Shrek's pet." It's pathetic. If I ever meet this error of nature in real life, I refuse to give it the satisfaction of a serious fight. I'm disconnecting from the server. Let it eat me, but I'm swallowing a grenade first out of pure spite.