["Milia!"]
Franco rushes to support his girlfriend, who is coughing in pain on the floor. The rest of the group is divided by various emotions, but in general, they all exchange glances between Milia and me. The air is charged with a stunned silence, a collective gasp that no one dares to release.
["You bastard!"]
Franco stands up in anger, and the male companions in the group echo his fury as they glare at me, enraged.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
[[…]]
But they calm down when my most trusted advisor uses his silver tongue to reach a peaceful agreement.
His tone is precise, neither too soft nor too harsh. His words flow like a raging river; if I didn't know him well, I'd say he sounded exactly like a wolf. "Grrrr." Such eloquence, such sublime tact.
"Ahem."
I look at Milia, who watches me from the floor as she slowly regains her composure. Her breathing normalizes and her face improves slightly before I speak.
["Did you really think I was going to say something like, 'I guess it can't be helped, I'll have to protect them with my life on the line'? Do you think you're in a Naruto manga? The most important thing to the rat kid is the rat kid's life. Why should I increase the rat kid's risk to satisfy your damn whim?"]
The group looks at me in surprise as I continue my monologue.
["What are you supposed to bring to the table for the rat kid? The power of love and friendship? Do you think you're in My Little Pony? Get out of my house. What you do is not my problem, but if you follow me, you'd better do it from a distance where I can't see you. Let me be clear: you're just a hindrance, and as such, you will be eliminated if you get in the way."]
Although I insist they leave, they don't move. Should I use sign language and drawings? The language barrier is difficult.
["I…"]
Milia squeezes out her words as she presses on her stomach.
["Is there something else?"]
[[….]]
["You… You will bring my mother back?"]
["…We rat kids take care of our own. Now, get lost."]
After thinking for a moment, Milia lowers her head and uses Franco to get up. As she turns towards the exit without a word, Franco and most of the super friends group glare at me with resentment.
["Ah… that reminds me. The rat kid had something to tell you before you go."]
When I stop them, the group freezes. Their surprised faces are almost comical; it's clear they didn't expect me to take the initiative to speak to them for the first time since I met them a few days ago. My classmates for years? I don't know them.
["The rat kid has a limit to his patience,"] —I said slowly, making sure the language barrier wasn't an obstacle this time. —["What I'm trying to say is that if when I get back, someone—anyone, without a single exception—has so much as touched a single one of my belongings for even a second…"]
I paused. I let the threat hang in the air, to burn itself into their empty heads.
Their faces went from surprise to understanding, and then to fear.
And only when I was completely sure they understood.
["I will kill them."]
"GRRRRRRR"
The rat kid doesn't like it when people touch the rat kid's things.
..................................
["The rat kid is perfectly prepared!"]
[[YOU ONLY TOOK THE STUFF YOU USED TO LOOK FOR US BEFORE!]]
["Perfectly prepared."]
[[HELL, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]]
["I was wondering why I never saw him preparing anything."]
["So, he was just going to rush in blindly?"]
["In his defense, he did a good job when he came for us."]
["No, no, no. This is a multi-day trip. He doesn't even have any food."]
["The rat kid knows a good spot. The rat kid will eat on the way."]
[[YOU'RE NOT GOING ON A STROLL!]]
The rat kid feels offended by the doubts about his survival skills. The rat kid suffers in silence.
["Ahhh, whatever. Do you remember everything the Rat Kid Network said?"]
The girls complain about Louise, who is the first to give in, but we both ignore them.
["The rat kid remembers."]
["The addresses of the houses to check on our families, if you get the chance?"]
["The rat kid expects a proper payment."]
The rat kid will definitely go. He'll earn a naked, full-body wash for something so simple. The rat kid will take advantage of this great offer.
["The faces of the people you need to check on?"]
["The rat kid has it."]
["What you'll do when things get complicated?"]
["Run like a bat out of hell."]
["…HUMPH."]
Louise turns away from me in a huff. No goodbye kiss for the rat kid? The rat kid suffers. On the other hand, the rest of the girls just sigh in resignation. As long as they don't bother me.
["Brother…"]
The biggest obstacle has appeared.
["Take care of the rat kid's pets."]
["…Yes…"]
The little sister is growing up. The rat kid is filled with pride-ism. The rat kid feels an attachment to the little sister; updating status from "the little sister" to "the rat kid's little sister."
I pat the rat kid's little sister's head and turn around. No need to make this too complicated.
["Bring beer."]
["And what does the rat kid get out of it?"]
["If we get drunk, you might get your chance and pretend it was an accident."]
["The rat kid will bring tons of beer!"]
[[GET THE HELL OUT ALREADY!]]
GYAAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA.
............…..
JOURNAL ENTRY NO: 011
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Homo silvanus aenigma
REGIONAL ALIASES:
Celtic and Germanic Folklore: Elf, Álfarr, The Hidden People
Anthropological Hypothesis: The Whispering People of the Forest
The Network's Nickname (Theoretical): The Green Architects
NICKNAME (ASTRAD): The Vegans with Arrogance
📊 THREAT ASSESSMENT
CLASSIFICATION: TERRITORIALIS
They do not seek to expand; they are the definition of isolationists. Their conduct is centered on the protection of their enclaves in the heart of primary forests. They are not guardians of a "treasure," but of the ecosystem itself, which they consider an extension of their own being. Their territory is sacred, and its defense, absolute.
DANGER LEVEL: YELLOW (4 stars) // RED (1 star)
This is where the reports contradict each other and things get interesting. Pay attention if you don't want to die like a fucking noob.
If the Rational Hypothesis is correct (they are just symbiotic humans), the threat is a Yellow (5 stars). They are not combatants, but masters of environmental sabotage. They defeat you with the forest itself, a death by a thousand cuts from nature. Lethal, but manageable with proper preparation.
But if the Mythical Hypothesis is the true one... if they really are beings of pure fantasy with real magic... then the threat jumps to a Red (1 star). In this scenario, they don't just control the forest; they command it. They don't suggest you get lost; they rewrite the map in your head. They don't sicken you with spores; they curse you with a plague. It's the difference between an eco-terrorist and a minor god. And no amount of gear can prepare you for that.
Of course, this also depends on if you enter their forest. What if you run into one alone? Well, he won't be easy prey in the best of cases, and in the worst, he'll throw fireballs at you, I guess.
They're a bad idea no matter how you look at it. Don't get cocky with them.
AGGRESSIVENESS LEVEL: REACTIVE
Their aggressiveness is that of an organism defending its own health. It's not personal. They react to the "infection" that intrusion and exploitation of their environment represents. Their response is gradual: first, subtle warnings. Then, disorientation and sabotage. A direct, lethal attack is the last resort, the equivalent of a feverish response to burn out the disease.
🧬 COMBAT FILE (TL;DR) -
TYPE: Humanoid
AFFINITY: Earth / Psychic (Symbiosis with Nature)
🎯 PRIMARY WEAKNESSES (Theoretical):
Massive destruction of their ecosystem, Chemical contamination, Isolation from their native forest.
📌 KEY STRENGTHS:
Absolute mastery of the forest environment, Nearly perfect biological camouflage, Non-lethal guerrilla warfare (attrition and disorientation), Anomalous Marksmanship (almost supernatural precision with projectile weapons).
📚 ORIGINS AND COMPARATIVE MYTHOLOGY
The Mythical Hypothesis (The Fantasy): Do I have to tell you it's a fucking elf? The myths are literal. They are a non-human race, firstborn and tied to the essence of the world. Their longevity, grace, and "magic" are biological traits. The legends of their hidden cities and their apparent immortality would be, in this theory, facts.
The Rational Hypothesis (The Logic): This would be a branch of humanity that, instead of dominating nature, entered into a perfect symbiosis with it. Their "magic" would be an encyclopedic, generational knowledge of the forest's biochemistry: they use hallucinogenic spores, animal pheromones, and natural toxins to defend themselves. Their "pointed ears" would be a ritual body modification or a minor adaptation. Their longevity, a consequence of this life and their diet.
Astrad's Analysis: Are they a magical race or the ultimate hippies? The reports are so contradictory that both options are terrifying. It's one thing to face a fantasy being. It's quite another to face a human who has convinced every tree, mushroom, and animal in the forest to work for them. And then there's their marksmanship...
The logical explanation is the obvious one: if you live in a fucking dense forest and you want to hunt with a bow, you'd better have Rambo-level reflexes and aim. It's pure natural selection.
But the myths speak of something else: of arrows that turn at impossible angles, guided by the wind itself. And that's where things get fucked up. What if their connection with the forest isn't just defensive? What if the ecosystem serves as their targeting system? That's not skill anymore; that's cheating. It's using nature's aimbots, and we haven't even gotten to hardcore stuff like wind magic and so on. Honestly, I don't know which of the two theories scares me more.
📝 DETAILED ANALYSIS
PHYSICAL AND SENSORY DESCRIPTION:
Accounts describe tall, slender humanoids of an unnatural grace. Their skin is pale and their features are fine and angular. The most debated feature is their ears, consistently described as long and pointed. They dress in organic materials woven with a mastery that makes them almost indistinguishable from the foliage. They move in absolute silence, without breaking a single branch. Their presence is not detected by sound or smell, but by the feeling that the forest itself is watching you.
BEHAVIOR AND ECOLOGY:
It is theorized that they live in enclaves perfectly integrated into the forest, invisible to an untrained eye. They do not practice traditional agriculture, but a form of large-scale permaculture, cultivating the entire forest as a symbiotic garden. They are not hunters in the classic sense; the forest fauna seems to cooperate with them.
Their territorial defense is a gradual process. Intruders first encounter warnings (strange patterns on the trees, the sudden silence of the forest), then suffer severe disorientation (paths that change, auditory hallucinations) and subtle sabotage (equipment that rusts, food that molds).
A direct, lethal attack is the last resort. When warnings and sabotage fail, they resort to their legendary skill with the bow. Reports describe a precision that defies probability, with projectiles that seem to dodge obstacles to find their target. This is the final step of their immune system: the surgical elimination of the threat.
In other words, even if they have magic, you're so beneath them that they don't use it, and if they do, no one has ever come back to tell the tale.
☣️ PROTOCOLS
RECOMMENDED ENCOUNTER PROTOCOL (Theoretical):
DO: Show respect for the environment. Do not cut down trees or hunt unnecessarily. Leave a symbolic offering. A peaceful retreat is the best option.
DON'T: Use fire indiscriminately. Contaminate water sources. Ignore the subtle warnings of the forest. Assume you are alone.
FIELD REPORT (Fragment from the diary of a lost botanist in the Amazon, 1925):
"...it's been three days that I've been following the same river, but I swear I've passed the same kapok tree with red roots four times. The compass spins uncontrollably. My food was covered in a blue mold overnight. I haven't seen anyone, but I'm not alone. The branches seem to part to let me pass, always guiding me in a circle. I don't think they want to kill me. I think they just want me to give up and become fertilizer. The forest... is alive, and it doesn't like me."
🎤 ASTRAD'S NOTES (THE ONLY SHIT THAT MATTERS):
The elves from the stories: noble, wise, always ready to help the hero with a magic bow and a pompous speech. The "elves" from the real reports: the most fucking passive-aggressive neighbors in history. They don't kick you off their property with a shotgun. They subtly convince you to die of starvation and dysentery while you wander in circles like an idiot.
Their method is brilliant, I have to admit. Why fight when you can make the entire forest do the dirty work for you? It's the ultimate psychological warfare. They defeat you without throwing a single punch, making you surrender to an enemy you never even see. It's the equivalent of your own immune system deciding that you are an invader.
Are they a magical race? Are they humans with a knowledge of botany and chemistry that would make a Nobel laureate weep? In the end, it doesn't matter. If you go into a forest and feel like even the fucking trees are judging you, you're probably right. And my advice is simple: apologize and get the hell out before they decide to recycle you.
................
< Chat Channel: #Rat_Kid_Network >
RatKid6: [VIDEO attached: weird_forest.mp4]
RatKid6: Not to be a pain, but... Since when do trees give you signals to get lost?
RatKid8: LOL, 6, you wandered into Snow White's forest. Have the little birds sung to you yet?
RatKid2: 6, are you sure you didn't eat a weird mushroom?
RatKid4: Did the camera eat the mushroom?
RatKid3: Well, now glass growls at you and liquefies your ass, so…
RatKid8: True that…
RatKid1: Great, the fucking passive-aggressives have arrived. I hope at least they're hot.
RatKid5: And what do you need that for?
RatKid1: Exactly, what do you need that for, 8? Stop wasting time.
RatKid8: Me?
RatKid3: I read the file. This is a tactical nightmare. You can't fight an enemy you can't see and whose battlefield is the fucking oxygen.
RatKid8: So we're facing Legolas with a bad attitude and a PhD in botany.
RatKid4: Best-case scenario. Worst-case, they summon vines to impale you to the ground... either way you'll be a nice, elegant garden ornament.
RatKid2: Conclusion: if you go into their forest, you die of boredom and dysentery. Noted.
RatKid1: Conclusion: they're not enemies. They're the admins of the forest server. And if you don't follow their Terms and Conditions, they don't ban you. They turn you into compost.
RatKid8: LOL, so the moral of the story is "don't fuck with the hippies"?
RatKid3: The moral is that there are threats that aren't defeated with bullets, but with respect… Or with a fucking flamethrower, but that would probably just make things worse.
RatKid1: Exactly. The rat kid knows when not to get into a bar fight. And this bar is the size of the Amazon. Leave the vegans in peace.
RatKid10: But... what about the loot?
RatKid1-Astrad: What loot? They live in trees and eat berries. Their best treasure is a salad recipe. Not worth it.
RatKid10: Approved. The rat kid doesn't risk his skin for a salad.
RatKid4: Approved.
RatKid2: Approved.