HAS-HR FORM 78-B
Partner Evaluation Debrief: Post-Mission Sync Check Filed by: Nicky & Vicky Reviewed by: Sprig, Junior HR Rep (Species: Magical Bunny-Folk) Status: Flirty. Bloody. Codependent with performance bonuses.
1. How would you rate your partner's performance this mission? NICKY: 10/10. Would decapitate again. VICKY: Highly effective. Too sparkly. I like it.
2. Did you experience any communication breakdowns during the field op? VICKY: Yes. Sometimes Nicky forgets she doesn't have to perform all the time. NICKY: He wanted me to stop mid-kill to finish video cameos. That's not breakdown — that's brand building. VICKY: One of them was for your mom. NICKY: Exactly. Priorities.
3. Have you had any personal disagreements that may affect team cohesion? NICKY: He says I can't orgasm on the battlefield. VICKY: I said not every battlefield. NICKY: Sir, you literally edge me with holy rope and call it "lesson-based training." VICKY: I'm trying to instill discipline. NICKY: You're trying to instill something, alright.
4. Do you feel emotionally safe with your partner? NICKY & VICKY: Yes. NICKY: If anyone says otherwise, they're lying. VICKY: Or possessed.
5. Do you feel physically safe with your partner? VICKY: Yes. She only slices me in fun ways. NICKY: I know where his vital organs are. I avoid them. Usually. VICKY: That's true love.
6. Have you noticed any changes in your partner's behavior that concern you? NICKY: He's smiling more during kills. I love it. VICKY: She made a playlist called "Murder Me Gently." NICKY: It slaps. SPRIG (HR Rep, trembling): What… genre is that? NICKY: Electro-sexy-deathcore. With sax solos.
7. How do you resolve conflict in the field? NICKY: Knifeplay. VICKY: Debrief cuddles. NICKY: We growl at each other until something explodes. SPRIG (quietly writing): …Suggest couples combat counseling.
8. Would you trust your partner to stalk you for protective purposes? NICKY: He already does. I saw the rune tracker under my boots. VICKY: You put a whispering charm in my pillow. NICKY: It says "I love you." VICKY: In Latin. That's a commitment.
9. Would you willingly enter another mission with this partner? VICKY: Always. She's the blade to my shield. NICKY: That's hot. Say it again. VICKY: …No. NICKY (whining): He's shy.
10. Any additional comments for Hasher HR? NICKY: The slasher I caught is tagged and chilling in the bio-fridge. Not a sandwich. Don't eat it. VICKY: We already share quarters. Thanks. NICKY: If HR tries to split us again, I will hex your carrots. SPRIG (trembling): Noted.
Addendum from Hasher HR Rep – Sprig of Burrow Team 7
Question: Would you ever consider being assigned a different partner for strategic reasons? NICKY: If the job required it. VICKY: Job first. Pleasure later. NICKY: But let's be clear — I'll haunt the newbie if they breathe too loud. VICKY: I'll smile politely and plot their demise. Standard Hasher etiquette.
HR Recommendations:
Shared quarters: Already established. Reports show functional cohabitation, aside from one ritual bath explosion.Cross-team sync trials: Approved (reluctantly). Recommend short missions only.Therapy check-ins: Pending (ignored with style).Emotional codependency rating: 9/10. Alarming. Effective. Beautiful.Conclusion: Lethally bonded duo. Allow outside pairing only under dire, moon-based circumstances.
Addendum Added by Nicky & Vicky (written in glittering ink & smudged blood):
We are willing to "team rotate" if and only if it's every blue moon, blood moon, or bureaucratic apocalypse.
Do not assign us to split "for team building," "vibe balancing," or because Sprig had a dream about a prophecy.
We are the prophecy.
Signed, Nicky (Queen of Tactical Sparkle) Vicky (The One With Restraint, But Not for Long)
Let me know if you want a "Sprig's Private Report to HR Leadership" next — where he vents to his therapist familiar and begs to be reassigned to the office plants.