Another day,
it's another day of the never ending cycle, the perpetual suffering and constant hate I feel towards myself. These thoughts 'Does it ever end?' I can't just skip college just because I don't want people to look at me. I don't know this feeling, I don't know why I despise it when someone even looks at me, even my own parents. It gets worse everyday, I hate mirrors, I cancel plans with my friends because I don't want them looking at me and now I look like a bad person in their eyes too but I don't know what to do. It hurts seeing how much I have lost myself during all these years. I remember when I was happy, I remember when I was smiling without any worries, 'God.' Why must I reminisce so much, maybe that's what's left for me, to look back on old thoughts and feed off the memories because clearly I'm not making any more of them anytime soon. I can't help but let out a sigh at my situation. 'When did it get so bad?'
It's Monday. A week since college opened and I didn't show up once. How much more can I hide?
Putting aside my anxiousness, I stare at the mirror, 'So.. bad.' Gazing over at the myself, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, telling myself it will all go smoothly and I can make it to the end of the day. How bad can it get? What could possibly go wrong? I wouldn't know until I go.
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Entering the building of suffocation I could feel my breathing quickening. 'Backhere..' The only thing I do is search for my friend. She's the only one whom I want right now with me, I have been disconnected for too long, I need someone to fill me in. Tap on the shoulder, Kellie, could it be? No. I turn around to see a classmate of mine, Feline.
"Sierra!! Wow, what'd you do all break? You're more beautiful than before." Lies. This face, beautiful?
"Hello."
Feline smiles and touches my hair, "We missed you, a lot. You've been gone."
"Have you perhaps seen Kellie?"
She stares at me, as if she didn't expect this question after her own. "Oh, Kellie. Of course. She's in class, waiting for you."
I nod and start to walk away whispering a 'Thank you'.
My hands gripping the straps of my backpack over my shoulder as I continue to pace towards the classroom in this horde of humans as suddenly a voice catches my attention.
"You, Sieanna or whatever."
'It's Sierra.' This idiot.
A tall guy with blond hair, Landon waves a notebook in front of me, "Pass it to Kellie."
I quietly take it, not wanting to stay here for longer.
Landon kept staring at me, what's wrong with him?
"Ever been told how.."
'Disgusting.'
"Interesting you are."
What a load of rubbish.
"The book please."
He smiled and scoffed at my demand. "Creigh thinks so, don't get me wrong."
What was he on about? Spouting nonsense like he gets paid for it. I snatch the book as quickly as I could and start to walk away towards the classroom.
___________
I saw Kellie pacing around the entrance while eating her biscuit. After noticing me, a big smile formed on her face and she stuffed the entire biscuit into her mouth at once as she rushed to me like she hadn't seen me for.. years.
"Errie!! God finally I get to see your face."
I couldn't help but smile. She and Dani always made me feel so much better.
"It hasn't been that long." I said in an attempt to shrug her concerns off.
But, she fires back quite fast, "Long? I saw you only once in the last two months. Me and Dani were worried sick, you know how she can get."
'Oh, I know very well.'
I hand her the book. "Landon told me to give it to you."
She lets out a sigh of relief, "About time, that idiot. He was supposed to return it Friday."
Things have always been fun between Kellie and Landon, they had an amusing dynamic.
Kellie goes through the notebook to make sure nothing is messed up and looks up at me, "Thank you." Her eyes wander around my face.
"And everything alright with your sister?"
That question..I hate it.
"You know, same old." A sigh escapes my mouth, this topic brings out the rage within me that I have been trying to suppress. My sister has always been quite the deal. Step-sister. But I never thought of her that way, our parents never made us feel that way, only if she would understand. The niceness lies somewhere beneath that stubborn exterior, but where? Can't she appreciate her fathers efforts for providing her with everything he could, now where is she when he needs her? Is this anger? I wouldn't know.
"It's going to be alright, your parents are strong, you know? Dealing with a devil like that."
That was funny, but true.
"Mhm, thank you." I smiled at her, she always knew how to make me happy.
"Of course, lovely." She said putting her notebook down on her desk. "Have you seen Dani's post yesterday?? she seems to be having way too much fun with her new college friends.." Kellie said in an annoyed tone, she's jealous.
I let out a laugh, "Well, she needs friends there, she can't be alone forever."
"I texted her strictly that she's our friend first.", Kellie let out a playful hmph.
I shake my head at her action, she's always been witty.
At that, our English teacher Mrs. Torrance walks in with her glasses at the peak of her nose, looks funny as always. Her hair in a bun like a proper woman she is, proper but stern.
"Now now, the break is over, I say we leave the non-serious behaviour behind now." She puts down her books at the podium. "I hope all of you had a fun time during your break. Though, it's time to return back to studies, Lesson 1, page 12."
'Poems.'
There's something about poems and the depth behind the words, I would say so myself I'm interested in the story behind those poems, but for knowing and trying to understand would put me in the "nerd" category, same people that tell me to help them during tests, by the way. Such hypocrite people.
"The Darkling Thrush." Mrs. Torrance's voice echoes in the silent classroom. Why's everyone behaving well today? Did the summer break bring a change? How grand. I stare at my textbook, lost in the words, Mrs. Torrance's voice sounds like a background noise to me, but what am I so focused on?
The door of the classroom opened as someone steps in. "My apologies, I'm late."
Creighton Elrod.
"Oh, what a time to show up, Mr. Elrod. Finally realized the college has opened?"
"I'm sorry."
Mrs. Torrance waves the textbook in the air, dismissing Creighton and continuing to teach. He walks to the empty seat in the far left corner of the classroom as that was the only seat left. Shame that the known had to be warded off of so far.
Kellie was busy drawing random things in her textbook, that's unusual.
"What's the "neat girl" doing?" I whisper in concern as Kellie didn't usually like to dirty her things.
She shrugged, not looking at me. "Bored. Can she stop talking?"
"Ask her."
"I wish I could." We both smile and got back to listening to Mrs. Torrance's angelic voice. It would be a lie if I said I understood what she was trying to deliver to us, it felt like she was speaking for the sake of speaking.
___________
After a cruel hour, the class came to an end with a load of homework, why do they all do this? Giving double the amount of work than what they taught us.
Kellie and I walk down the hallway, as she suddenly stops and looks at me.
"I have to get my book from my locker, stay here, yea?"
I nod and watch her run the opposite direction of where we were going. I look down and turn around to see a tall guy already standing in front of me with a smile. Not again.
"Boo."
"Shut up, Landon."
He mouthed a 'Woah'. "So you do fight back."
I roll my eyes at his behaviour, why can't he just shut up.
"Alright alright, on a serious note.." His voice fades into a whisper, "Tell Kellie to meet me after school, yea?"
"I'm not a messenger." I say in an angry tone. I don't wish to be caught up in their situation.
He shakes his head, "As a friend, please."
God...
"For Kellie?"
Oh now he had done it.
"Whatever.." I can't say no to that.
His smile appeared wider than before,
"I owe you one!", He saluted at me before running away.
An idiot as Kellie would say.
But of course, they're both kind of cute together, I guess. Only if this prick would ask her out already.
A few moments later, waiting for Kellie starts to tire me out, why must she take so long? I turn around in the direction she went and started to walk towards the lockers when someone bumped into me. I glance up, a familiar face on sight. Shoulder length black hair, tied into a small ponytail, hazel eyes that has some sort of depth within them, something.. familiar.
Creighton Elrod.
Just a moment of staring at each other before he walks away. I mean, what's there to stay for anyway?
Times really do change.
People really do change. In a way you never expect them to.
I glance around the hallway as I continued to walk, girls laughing so freely, I wish I could too. But you don't always get what you want, do you? I pull some hair from behind my ear to hide the side of my face.
Finally reaching the lockers, I see Kellie still buried into her locker searching for something. Her messy dark brown hair going places as she shifts around.
"What is it? I was waiting for so long."
She continues ravaging around her locker. "Just...my biscuits." She checks in between books. "I swear there was one left in the pack and I put it here."
How forgetful.
"You were eating it during English, smarty."
She shook her head at the realization, "You're so right, Oh my god."
I giggle at her reaction. Kellie has her lows too at some points, but I'm there for her regardless. Suddenly she hugged me.
"I'm so sorry I made you wait..you know I can be a bit stupid sometimes."
I pat her back, "I know, who knows this better than me?"
She laughs and pulls away, "Point!"
Some more hectic and boring classes after which the school ended, me and Kellie walk towards the entrance as she said her goodbye and went to meet up with Landon. Now I'm alone again. I watch her happily run towards him and they both disappear into the crowd of students.
Then, I check my stuff in my bag, standing on the stairs that led down towards the gate. Maybe this day wasn't so bad after all, although I had to see some faces that caused me to fly back into the land of memories which don't seem to be very pleasant for my liking, but who said life was easy?
___________
Somehow, I make it home after a silent walk where I got to enjoy the breeze outside. I could feel my face itching though. I hadn't been out in...a month, maybe.
"IT'S SPICY!"
There it is. Her voice.
"I-I promise, Leigh. I didn't put anything extra.." I walk towards the kitchen as I heard my mom plead, like usual.
My sister throws the spoon away, "YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! CAN'T I HAVE DECENT FOOD AFTER I COME BACK FROM WORK!"
I see my mom's eyes tear up, I wish I could say something. I wanted to say so much but I couldn't, words wanted to be said but the realization of interfering and acting "like a mom" between adults holds me back. Speaking from experience, of course.
Mom quickly put a pot of rice up on the stove, "I.. I'll boil you more rice, you can have that."
"Yea, I will. That's all left for me anyway." She angrily glares at my mom and strides out the kitchen, her shoulder hitting mine.
Mom doesn't even notice me and continues to prepare food for Leigh.
Leigh, my older sister, she's 25 and a teacher at a primary school. My step-sister. Yelling is her favourite thing, especially at my mom. Even though, my mother treats her better than her own children. When she needs to cook something, she asks Leigh, when she likes something, she buys it, for Leigh of course. But Leigh, as much as she doesn't appreciate her father's efforts, who spent so much money on her studies and graduation, giving her whatever she desired, providing her a roof which she still lives under, what does Leigh say? That he has done nothing for her.
She lost her mother when she was very young, I wouldn't know the pain. But, to have a step-mother like MY mom who treats her better than her own children is a privilege, when will she understand? She is 8 years older than me but sometimes I feel more mature and understanding than her.
"She's at it again?" I walk towards my mom and place a hand on her shoulder.
She shakes her head, fixing her messy hair, "I.. don't know, I should've been careful."
I ate some of the Spaghetti mom made. "Mom, it tastes delicious, not spicy at all."
"That's what you think, dear."
That is true, that is very true.
"Why can't she just cook for herself then? Can't she be thankful?"
Mom stops stirring the rice and glances at me with an expression of defeat and tiredness.
"The term "step-mother" doesn't hold a great image, Sierra. No matter how much I try, I still fall under that term."
Those words, they were right. Sadly and most unfortunately, she was not wrong. All of her efforts she has been putting into being a good mother figure for them, for 21 years, go into vain by just her title of being a "Step-mother". No matter how much she tries, everyone will still have something to say. Either she's trying too hard to take the place of Leigh's real mother, or she's not trying at all because she's so evil. Mom wants to be none of that, she just wants to provide her with love and care, everything she can give, she wants Leigh to accept her for what she is, not as someone who is taking her mother's place.
Why can't she treat mom with the same respect?
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