Thane saw a white void and a very confused-looking person in an oversized cloak holding a clipboard.
"Name?" the person asked, flipping through a glowing ledger that seemed far too thick.
"What? Where am I?"
"Hm? Oh, poor soul. You didn't know, did you? You died. Wait. That would be shocking. Here."
ZAP!
A strange light shot at Thane's rather peculiar and transparent body.
"There. That should keep you from panicking. You died."
The strange beam made Thane remember every detail before his passing.
"...I died? During a meeting?!" Thane was disappointed.
"Yeah. Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome. You never had it checked, but you had an arrhythmia. You were overworked, out of sleep, and tired, and all that stress killed you."
"Well, that sucks... Ugh." The strange magic of the being made Thane quickly realize what was happening and where he was, and he accepted the tragic news.
"Name?" The being asked again.
"You knew how I died, but can't know my name?"
"Yeah, only God can know every detail about your life. To the rest of us heavenly beings, we follow a strict compliance policy. It's called the Celestial Information Protection and Eternal Data Access Regulation, or CIPEDAR for short."
"CIPEDAR?" Thane blinked.
"Yes." The being straightened its clipboard and puffed up with importance, as if delivering a gospel. "The Celestial Information Protection and Eternal Data Access Regulation is a divine ordinance ratified during the 3rd Heavenwide Transparency Council. All heavenly personnel must adhere to full compliance to ensure privacy, clarity, and non-heretical handling of post-mortem soul data."
Thane raised an eyebrow.
"You're saying you're... not allowed to know who I am?" Thane worked with a lot of legal contracts and could understand what the angel said.
"Correct. Not until you explicitly state it for the record. Otherwise, I could be accused of pre-judgmental awareness or unauthorized prophetic inference. Both are serious offenses. I'd have to go through at least seven soul audits and a repentance retraining seminar."
"You're kidding."
"I wish I were. Last month, a fellow registrar accidentally peeked at a soul's memories before declaration. Poor guy's been reassigned to explaining to Calvinists, who weren't really real Christians but only intellectually followed Christ, why they are going to hell. You're aware of the whole Cage Stage scenario for most Reformed, right?"
"I've been there..." Thane admitted.
"Yeah, many Reformed are saved, but some are only smart. Imagine telling a smart guy he ain't saved. Poor guy is now debating with Calvinists who weren't really Christians. Fun to watch if you're not involved. Anyway, your name, please."
Thane rubbed his ghostly temple.
"Okay. Fine. My name is Thane Wallaby."
"Thank you."
The being quickly jotted something down, the quill glowing faintly as it touched the page. "Now then, Thane... formerly of Earth, Resident of the Republic of the Philippines, Soul ID 770028-KAL-EBN."
"That's... weirdly bureaucratic."
"We take after Heaven's legal department. Ever since the Divine Class Action Lawsuit of the Tower of Babel, we've had to make things airtight."
"You're making this up."
"Am I?" The angel raised a finger.
A massive glowing document unfurled in mid-air, filled with endless paragraphs in golden text, each line reading something like
"Section 8.3.17-A clearly states, all soul transmissions must be spiritually encrypted and authorized under Grace Token Verification... and!"
"Article 41.b! Angelic hosts must refrain from identity speculation or unauthorized soul sorting without declaration."
"Wow. I suddenly miss Earth's terms and conditions." Thane sighed. As part of Procurement, he had a lot of tasks involving contracts.
"In any case, let me browse over your profile in our CRM."
The angel read the angelic scroll that contained Thane's profile.
"CRM? Customer Relationship Management?"
"Christian Redeemed Manager. But yeah, I guess it's the same. I now have your profile. Oh, now I remember you! You were the guy who prayed for a break every day for three years straight."
"I mean... yeah, I guess. It was a stressful job. Listen, if I died, could you tell Worace that I can't lead the Bible study?"
"Erm... no. Anyways..."
The celestial being chuckled and tapped the side of their clipboard.
"You died from stress. Classic. One of our top ten reasons for early arrival. I'm Euriel, a lower-tier Celestial Administrative Officer. I also make a cameo appearance as one of the angels mentioned in Revelation! I don't usually handle reincarnations, but you scored pretty high in... uh..." Euriel flipped the pages again.
"Excessive patience, returning Evil with Good, the Good and Faithful Servant, and... wow! Master Builder!"
"Master Builder? That's the phrase used by Paul in 1 Corinthians."
"As expected of our faithful servant, you dog! Oh, wait. You would know that dogs are unclean... Ahem. You Ox!"
"So... do I get a crown of life?"
"Not yet. But what we have here is enough to qualify for the 'Five Mina Faithful Servant Life Premium Package.' Congratulations."
"Wait. What? Five Talents? Why am I a five-talent Christian?"
"You were faithful. And it's all by grace anyway. So don't bother thinking about it. So you get reincarnated. Premium-level stuff. New shot at life. You even get to choose a special power. One bonus ability, just for you."
Thane was amazed.
"I didn't know God offered reincarnation... That's not in any Bible study I attended."
"Ehh... It's a temporary reward."
"Temporary reward?"
"Yeah... this is one of those pre-eternity types of afterlife gifts we give to faithful servants. So this is your reward before the Final Judgment, the First Resurrection, and the Kingdom era. Spoiler alert! The Pre-Millennials were right!" Euriel laughed, elbowing the air like someone who had waited centuries to say that out loud.
Thane wanted to argue but decided to let it slide. He figured a theological debate with a supernatural being wasn't going to end in his favor.
"So… I get to be reincarnated?" Thane thought. He was somewhat hesitant about being reincarnated on Earth.
"Will this new Earth be the same place I was?"
"Oh no. It's much better. Suited for you!"
"Oh... So not, my Earth? Is it one with less burnout and better healthcare, I hope?"
"Something like that." Euriel smiled, suspiciously vague.
"Will it have air conditioning?"
"Probably," Euriel shrugged.
Thane let out a long sigh, relief washing over him.
"Okay. Alright. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. A quieter city. Maybe tropical. No deadlines. And that Worace really needs to focus on discipleship... maybe with me gone, he can actually do it. And since this world is a pre-eternity gift, that means I won't need to do the Great Commission, right?"
"Hah. As if you can... A Child of God can never escape his new nature. The blood of Christ still covers you. Although evangelism in that place will be a little different. But basically it's a fresh start. But this time, we want you to have fun. Basically, an entire universe has been created for you."
"Created for me?!"
"Yeah. Such is the favor of those who are children of God! So live happily and righteously in this world."
"So I could finally catch up on the shows I've missed!"
"Hrm? Shows?" Euriel was confused.
"So... since this is the premium package, what else will I get?"
"About that," Euriel said, perking up, "what's your wish? You get one power or perk. Anything within cosmic limits. Just no wishing for more wishes. Although the sons of God never do ask for that. One did pull the ol' Solomon's wish for good governance, though. Spoiler alert, don't ask the same. It's not that great since God doesn't give you additional gifts for asking that."
Thane rubbed his face. His soul still felt exhausted. He stared at the whiteness around them.
"Honestly... I just wish I had more time to watch TV. Like, no interruptions. No pressure. If I could just... pause life and enjoy a few episodes when I want to..."
Euriel stopped flipping the clipboard.
"You want... a TV?"
"Yeah. Is it wrong? Should Christians watch TV? Can't we?"
"Well, you can... but..."
"Then, is it possible to have one that I can summon anywhere. With shows I like. But also, like, I don't want the world to move on while I'm watching. I want to relax. Time should slow down or pause while I'm watching."
Euriel raised an eyebrow. "So you're asking for a divine entertainment device that manipulates time and lets you freely watch shows?"
Thane nodded. "Exactly. You can't do that?"
"Well... this is... to put it in your terminology, a Christian Minecraft server. So obviously you can't watch porn and the like."
"Oh. So no gore?"
"Well, I mean, there are sexual contents, gore, and the like... I mean, have you read the Bible? But what I mean is, it won't appeal to lust and all that. And it's crafted based on your assigned new world."
"Ok. Sounds great. I can watch TV even while working in HR. With how I died, I want to save people and maybe evangelize when I am ordered to sack some one." Thane smiled.
There was a silence. Euriel slowly lowered the clipboard and grinned. The poor little Christian thought he was going to be in a world similar to Earth.
"Oh, this is going to be hilarious."
"Wait... what?"
"Nothing! Wish granted."
The clipboard glowed. The void turned brighter. Thane's body started to dissolve into glimmering light.
"Wait! What channels will it have?"
"Don't worry about it! You'll start with a few!"
And with that, Thane was gone.