"What are you doing right now…?"
I jolted at the sound of Alwyn behind me. I turned around, wide-eyed. He'd caught me red-handed. Literally red-handed, that is.
The red liquid stained my palms, and the animal was still in my grasp, twitching and contorted.
"I—I'm just… I was hungry," I stammered.
Even I didn't believe the words as they left my lips. I started to get nervous as Alwyn stood there, unmoving and silent.
I couldn't see his eyes, hidden by the wide brim of his hat. I tried so hard to resist all this time, but it had been weeks already.
It may sound like I'm some serial killer or something. But I'm not. The animal carcass wasn't some sick pleasure or anything, that's not what I mean.
It was just an instinct of mine—an inexplicable predilection for ending something with my own power.
"Is this why you killed that boy? I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I've done my own share of… things. But, my apprentice… this is…"
"No! No, I swear, that's completely unrelated! That was for a reason! This is different!"
It was completely different. I'm not lying! I had to kill that bastard Darren or he'd have killed me first.
"What are you going to do with it?"
"With what?"
"The rabbit, obviously, you idiot!"
"The rabbit…" I looked at the thing in my arms. "I'll eat it, naturally."
"Raw?"
"That was the plan…"
"Lin, what are you?"
"What's with this again?"
"I can't tell if you're just being coy or you genuinely don't understand what I'm talking about. Why…?" Alwyn sighed. "Lin, you're not human. Am I wrong?"
"What!? What's that even supposed to mean!? What are you trying to say!?"
"Just let the thing die already, Lin."
I paused and looked down at my hands. The thing twitched still, and I realized that my grip on the things body was torturous.
"Waah!" I dropped the thing on the ground and stomped on it.
"That's not what I meant," he scowled. "What is wrong with you? Did you intentionally kill the molfawr in that gruesome way?"
"I already told you what happened then! Why don't you trust me? I was just startled, I didn't mean to hurt the rabbit in that way…"
I felt Alwyn staring at my hands, and I swiftly locked them behind my back.
"Why are your eyebags so dark?" He stepped forwards and grabbed my cheek.
"…I haven't slept in a few days."
"Why not?"
"I don't know."
"When did it start?"
"Three nights ago."
"When you had that nightmare?"
"I suppose…"
"Are you scared of sleeping?"
"No."
"Is it related to you killing that rabbit?"
"No!"
"Tch. I'm getting sidetracked. What's wrong with you? Do I need to send you to a priest?"
"'What's wrong with me'? You sound just like the people back at home. The people you torched. What's wrong with you?"
"Oh please, that's a completely different matter! You're a little kid, what're you doing killing animals!? Let me guess, that boy wasn't the first!" he laughed sarcastically.
"I've never killed anyone undeserving! How am I any different than you!?"
"You're fourteen."
"What's age have anything to do with it!?"
"I hurt people because I have to, I don't want to. I certainly didn't want to hurt people when I was a kid."
"What's the problem anyway? It's not like I go around hurting people! I don't even want to."
"But animals are fine?"
"Aren't they? You hunt."
"Pfft! I hunt for our meals. This is different. You had no reason to hunt that rabbit. And don't pretend to be naïve. You snuck off here so neither I nor Aliza would catch you."
"So what? You haven't told me what the problem is anyway!"
"Lin, when dark people get power, it's always bound to go wrong. How am I supposed to make you my apprentice, teach you the greatest power in the world, if I can't trust that you aren't sneaking off to… I don't know—"
"Burn a village?"
Alwyn slapped the back of my head. "Dark personalities don't go well with magic. Regardless of how talented you are… I can't teach some psychopath magic."
"Psychopath? You think I'm a psychopath?"
"No, that's not it. I don't think you're human at all."
"…"
"From the moment I met you, something… something's been off. Maybe it's the fault of what I stumbled across, a young kid brutally murdering an older boy in the middle of the woods… haaaah. Why can't you just be honest?"
"I am being honest! If you hate me so much why'd you pick me up at all!?"
Alwyn slapped me across the face. "Calm down already. If I truly thought you were a threat, you'd already be turned to ash. Jeez… don't you remember what Aliza said? What I've told you over and over again? You're special!"
"Then why're you looking at me like that? Talking about dark personalities, saying I'm not human, like I'm some freak!"
"Looking at you like what? I'm admiring you, boy! What's so great about being human!? You don't need to be human to be a wizard! Ha! Ha! Of course, I can't have you going around killing things… but that can be mended!"
"So you're not mad?"
"I'm a little disturbed, creeped out by you, the unknown, like any right wizard would be. But I'm unlike my peers, Lin. I do not run away from the unknown, I face it like a proud wizard should! I apologize if I made you think I was mad. I was only looking for answers. When I get curious, I lose my wits a little…"
"Does this mean you'll allow me to eat it?"
"What? There's no use in eating a baby rabbit. And you won't be continuing… 'this'. I was being serious when I said I can't teach a dark personality magic."
"But—!"
"Oh, relax. I have something much better, anyway. A solution! Yes, where innocent little rabbits don't have to get harmed."
"What is it?"
"As your teacher, naturally I'll teach you. Special lessons, you and I. It seems, whether it's an innate part of you, or perhaps spawned from an event in your life, you haven't reached the point one would classify as 'human'. Simply, you have no humanity."
"What's humanity? How do I get it?"
"Morality! Your feral-morality is messed up. Who harms a poor bunny, so unfeeling-like!? I'll instill in you what the world failed to. Right and wrong!"
"Right and wrong?"
"Right and wrong! What's right and what's wrong!"
"Euughh… the orphanage tried that already. They kicked me to the street, just like everyone else, fed up."
"No, I'm different than the orphanage. I'm the great Alwyn, after all. Believe me, my apprentice, I'll surely make you into a human anyone would respect."
"So I'm really not 'human'?"
"Not yet you aren't."
"…I want to be human."
"That's a good first step!"
"Why are you so loud?"
"I suppose I'm excited. Can't I be excited?"
"What're you excited for?"
"I can finally teach! I've been holding off teaching you magic for… reasons. But this is perfect!"
"Teaching makes you that happy?"
"I don't know. I've never taught before, that's why I'm excited."
In times like these, I was reminded that Alwyn was only seven years older than I was. He was barely an adult.
In many ways, I often thought to myself that I was more mature than he was. Even Aliza treated him like a kid.
"Okay… when do we start? The lessons, I mean."
"Hmmm… I think I can throw something together by tonight. But I'll need your help."
"With what?"
"With diagnosing you. I don't know exactly how you think yet."
"How're you gonna do that?"
"Errr… a test? Just answer my questions truthfully. Truthfully, okay? Nothing you can say will faze me… I swear."
"Okay…"
"Let me think." Alwyn was sitting now, up against a tree. He'd waved his staff and buried the rabbit a while's walk away, and washed my hands clean. "What's your earliest memory?"
Earliest memory?
My head started to throb as I thought. I sifted through fogged-up windows into the past, trying to differentiate one thing from another.
"I guess it was the ocean…"
"The ocean? You lived nowhere near the ocean, though?"
"I don't know, that's what I remember."
"Whatever… which septry do you belong to?"
"A sept? None. I'm not religious. What does that matter?"
"Hmmm… that's surprising. An atheistic boy from such a rural town?"
"What, you're religious?"
"I was born into the Septry of Saint Aquanus, but no, I'm not religious. In fact, almost no wizards are. Not strictly, at least. The existence of god is certain."
"It is?"
"We wizards are more humble than the world paints us to be. We aren't so deluded to think that our magic comes from our humanity. The greatest priests have been wizards."
"I didn't know that. I thought wizards were like scientists…"
"A lot of people think that, even many wizards. But it's stupid! Magic isn't a science. There are no formulas for magic! None that work, at least! Magic is an art. An art!"
"Ehhh…"
"You're right, I'm getting distracted. Next question… hmmmm… what did you feel when you killed that boy?"
Alwyn was now sat cross-legged, and he held a board with paper clipped onto it. In his hand he held a quill and the ink-well floated in the air.
"I told you that's unrelated! I had to do it."
"Well how did you feel then?"
"Of course, I felt relieved! Isn't that the natural response in a situation like that?"
"Relieved?"
"He was going to kill me."
"I've never felt relieved killing anyone. Not once."
"Tch."
"Did you want to kill that bunny? Or was it just a… momentary impulse?"
"…"
"Just answer the question," he groaned.
I was apprehensive. I didn't trust that he'd continue to be so nonchalant regarding my being. But he promised to 'teach' me. I wanted to be taught…
"I tried resisting for weeks now, but I had to. I saw it roaming around our campsite this morning, and I decided to…"
"So it's something you thought out? Something you feel that you'll need to do again? And if we're in a large city, then what? Is it a dog? Or a person…?"
"…Yes."
He scrawled something across the page and clicked his tongue. Despite my distress, he seemed to be enjoying himself.
"Do you enjoy it? Killing?"
"No!"
"Hmmm, I see. My diagnosis… I believe you, for one reason or another, have an inclination towards killing. But you don't relish in it, no, it's more like a need, right? A hunger, as if you were a wild animal."
"Wild animal…"
"One last question, Lin. Did you accept becoming my apprentice so you could use magic to kill?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what was it? The reason?"
"I just… I wanted to be powerful. To survive. Like anyone else."
"Naturally. Okay, we're done with the questions. Dinner must be ready by now!"
Alwyn stood up, brushing off his clothes. He looked back at me, signaling me to follow him. But I had a hard time standing from that spot. My head throbbed, and I was tired. So tired…
After dinner, we all got ready for bed. Like usual, I dragged my sleeping sack far away from the two of them.
Though, a new item was added to my routine. Insomnia… I couldn't sleep. I just stayed in the sack, eyes closed, hoping sleep would come.