We were at the dining table when my father asked me that question, and I can remember staring at them blankly but also not being clear about what I was going to be like when I grew up.
At this moment with neither of them, I still couldn't find that explanation of exactly what I was. According to my father I was a leader, and according to my mother I was very respected in the pack, but then I just could not find happiness; I just could not find the family like when I was younger.
Every time I thought about having a need, I would always remember how it ended for my parents, and I didn't want to go through that again, not after the trauma I went through when they both fell off when I was younger. I didn't want to do it—not just to myself but also to my child. I wanted the child without a future of trauma when the family falls apart.
