333 Only Half Evil

I was 8 the very first time he touched me. His hands were rough like a cats tongue, his breath smelled of cigarettes, alcohol, & mustard. His hot breath breathing down my neck as he tells me how sexy I am. At eight I had trouble comprehending those words. What did sexy mean? Was it a bad thing? How do I stop it? I don't want to be that if it means he's going to continue touching me this way. The end of him touching me would not come anytime soon. I couldn't understand what I had done so wrong to anyone to deserve this.I'll be good from now on just please stop I would beg of him.The worst parts of the pain were not physical after awhile. It would be the destruction of my mental health that would suffer most. My thought process from here on out, my lack of trust for others & future self destructive behaviors. My mom was my everything and he knew that. Choosing to lay hard on my love for my mother. I can hear the words in my head replaying over & over again, if your mom ever finds out what you're doing, she won't love you anymore. There was nothing more devastating to me than that very thought. She was all I had. What would happen if she stopped loving me? She said nothing in this world could ever make her not love me, she said it all the time. What if he's right though, because she loves him too. If I tell she might choose him. I can't lose my mom, she's my whole world. That's not a chance 8 year old me could take. So I did tell anyone what was happening to me.