Problems and humans are two things that cannot be separated. Like glue and paper, they will stick together when they touch.
Everyone surely has problems. Some respond to them casually, but there are also those who get stressed to death.
I am actually the type of person who doesn't really overthink problems. But somehow, that changed when my problem involved my parents.
I don't want to drown in anger. But this time, the situation is different. My anger is not just a fleeting emotion. This is about Mama. About the past I was forced to dig up again because of her words.
Who wouldn't be hurt when the dream they had been protecting all along suddenly shatters? And when that happens, instead of receiving support, I was greeted with words that sounded like mockery.
I slowly got up from bed. My head was still heavy, the effect of not being able to sleep well all night. The midday sunlight slipped through the curtain gap, dancing on the floor of the room. I walked slowly toward the vanity, opened the dusty drawer, and pulled out a worn tote bag.
Inside it was a sketchbook. The book that once always accompanied me when I drew. A book that stored many things, more than just strokes.
My hands trembled slightly as I opened it. I sat back down on the bed. Took a deep breath. Slowly opened its pages one by one. Each sheet carried fragments of time. Fragments of my heart.
Until finally, I arrived at one drawing. I don't know which page number it was. But this picture felt different.
It was a sketch of Saka. He was sitting in the city park, a few years ago. That drawing was what I once made as a symbol of him. Which I later turned into a sticker of his face. And with hesitation, I gave it to him as a gift.
That gift was not without reason. At that time, I wanted to be closer to him. As a friend. Or maybe as a teenager secretly liking someone wholeheartedly.
Sometimes I also wondered. In my school, there were many boys more attractive. But somehow, my heart was drawn to Saka. His appearance was nerdy, unimpressive. Yet that was exactly where I fell for him.
Maybe because I knew what it felt like to like someone without a logical reason. Maybe this is what they call first love. A feeling that appears suddenly and lasts too long.
And today, I begin to realize. Maybe I really did have one strong reason why I used to like him.
Because that man was different.
No one could compare to him. Not a single guy who had ever been close to me could be like Saka.
He knew exactly how I thought. He could control his emotions, even more than my parents. He became my balance.
Saka knew what I needed. What I wanted. And even what I had to do. No one had ever been that close to my mind. Not even my own family.
For some reason, I began to realize. That feeling hasn't disappeared. Maybe Zira was right. My gaze at Saka was indeed different compared to other men.
Finding someone like Saka is hard. Maybe that's why I always failed in relationships. Because all this time, what I had hoped for was not another man.
But Saka himself.
His words today about how we should not ignore our parents once again made me believe. That he was indeed the one I had always wanted.
Saka never forgot to remind me when I was in a bad mood toward my parents. Even though I was sure he must have felt the same as me.
It's not easy to find a man like him. A figure who, even since his teenage years, already thought maturely. Not like other teenagers who only pursued pleasure.
Saka truly was different. And it seems he will always have the same place in my heart. Even if someday I marry someone else.
I don't want to hope for more from our closeness. Not then. Not now. Because I realize one important thing.
We are different. And will always be.
Not only because of social status. But in everything. The way of thinking. The way of acting. Even the way of loving.
I feel Saka deserves someone equal to him. And I don't have all that.
That man is too perfect. And someone like him should have a woman almost as perfect.
But one thing I have to understand.
I never regret making him my first love. Because even though first love cannot be owned, at least he is memorable to remember.
I kept staring at that picture. For a long time. The midday sun shone on his sketched face, as if reviving his figure once again.
Until my body slowly lay back on the bed. My eyes were heavy. But my heart felt full.
And in silence, I remembered everything again.
~~~
I moved restlessly. My eyes still closed, as if refusing to return to the real world. But my breath began to gasp. My chest felt tight. Something was left from my sleep. A trace of a dream that felt too real.
Slowly, I opened my eyes. The daylight broke through the curtain gap, dancing on the quiet bedroom floor. I sat up with my breath still unsteady. My right hand reflexively touched my head. Still heavy. Still floating. But what felt heaviest wasn't my head, but my heart.
Suddenly, I shouted.
"Mama! Papa!"
No answer. Silence.
I froze. Then realized. Mama must still be at school. Papa maybe in the back yard. When I came home earlier, only Elan was visible in the living room, busy with his laptop. Either playing games, or watching anime as usual.
Without a second thought, I rushed downstairs. My heart pounding fast. I kept calling Papa, my steps hurried. But before reaching the kitchen, the sound of conversation from the living room stopped me.
It was Mama's voice.
I held my breath.
Mama was home?
Without hesitation, I immediately walked toward the living room. As soon as I saw her figure, I didn't wait a second.
I hugged Mama tightly. Buried my face in her shoulder. Let everything go.
"Mama…"
The tears I had held back finally fell. Mama was startled for a moment, but her embrace grew tighter. Warm. Safe. Like home.
"Mama… forgive Caca," I said softly. My body began to tremble. My sobs broke out like a child who had just been scared.
"What's wrong, Dear? They said you were sick, right?" Mama asked while stroking my back.
"Yes… Caca wants to apologize."
"Yes. I forgive you. Mama also apologizes… for forcing you into an arranged marriage."
"Yes… Caca forgives Mama too."
I was still crying. Not caring about anyone else. As long as Mama hugged me, that was enough.
Then a voice joined in.
"Sorry, Auntie. Caca is indeed spoiled when she's sick."
I stopped. My head slowly turned.
Saka.
"It was just so funny earlier. Especially when her snot almost came out…"
"Huh?" I instinctively covered my nose. "Saka!"
Laughter immediately broke out. Mama, Papa, even Saka laughed freely at my reaction.
And somehow, his laughter warmed my heart.
"Ca, have you eaten yet? Mama bought some food earlier," Mama said, stroking my head.
I shook my head. "Just had a little porridge earlier. Only a few spoonfuls. I'm hungry again."
"If so, let's eat."
"Eh, Mama didn't go back to school?"
"Took half a day off. Because you're sick."
I looked at Mama. The tightness in my chest turned into relief. Turns out, Mama hadn't changed. It was only me who had been too quick to conclude.
"It's okay if Mama continues working. Caca's already grown up."
"No matter how grown you are, you're still Mama's child."
I cried again softly. This time not out of fear. But out of relief. And gratitude. Without hesitation, I hugged Mama again.
I just realized that I had only apologized to Mama, not to Papa.
My gaze immediately turned to Papa. "Pa, Caca also wants to apologize to Papa."
As always, Papa smiled warmly. "Yes, sweetheart. Papa already forgave you, don't worry."
"Let's go eat," he said while helping me stand up.
"Saka, you haven't eaten either, right? Let's eat together," Mama said, turning to Saka.
I quickly turned, giving a signal: refuse! now!
But Saka only smiled triumphantly. "May I, Auntie?"
What did he just say? Auntie?
"Of course you may. Who's stopping you?" Mama replied.
"Who knows if someone objects," Saka said while staring intently at me.
Mama also looked at me. Full of hope. And full of codes.
"No… Caca agrees," I answered in a resigned tone.
Saka smiled in satisfaction. Mama too.
"Then, please come in, Saka," Papa said.
Saka walked first to the dining room. Followed by Mama and Papa.
And me?
Left behind.
Even though they said we'd eat together. But somehow, I laughed a little.
Because today… it's not about who sits with me. But who still chooses to stay.
I followed them to the dining room. Seeing Papa and Mama welcome Saka like a special guest made me smile. As if they knew, Saka wasn't just a guest.
Then my eyes met his.
Saka gave a small smile. Warm. Deep. As if he knew, behind my gaze, there was one unspoken word.
Thank you.
For coming back. For not leaving.
For making me believe… that loss was only a dream. And in reality, I am not alone.
And once again, I remembered my reason for falling for him back then.
He didn't need to do anything big to make me feel safe. Just being there. Just being himself.
~~~
EPILOGUE ✨
They say dreams are only flowers of sleep. Not real. Just vague shadows from a weary mind. But if that's true, why does it feel so suffocating? Even more real than reality, which I often refuse to face.
I never cared about dreams. But this afternoon, when my body was still weak from a fever and my head throbbing since morning, I fell asleep for a moment. Just a short nap. Yet that dream left me breathless and my heart trembling.
In that dream, I stood in front of the house. The sky was cloudy, the air heavy. I had just come home from work, but the atmosphere was unusual. Many people gathered. Faces that usually only appeared during Eid or when there was sad news.
I was still frozen at the gate when Elan ran toward me. His breath rushed. His face wet with tears.
"Kakak…" his voice trembled.
I panicked. Elan was not the type who easily cried, not even as a child.
"What's wrong, Elan? Why are you crying?"
He looked down. His sobs grew louder. "Mama and Papa…"
My heart stopped beating for a moment. "What? What about Mama and Papa?"
"They… passed away."
The world instantly collapsed. My vision darkened. I staggered. Almost fell if someone hadn't quickly caught me.
Saka.
He stood beside me. His face calm, but his gaze deep. As if he knew everything I felt.
"Where are they?" I asked, barely audible.
"Inside," Elan replied.
I was about to run in, but Saka held my hand. "Let me hold you."
We walked in together. My steps were heavy. People stepped aside, opening a path. In the living room, two bodies lay still, covered with white cloths.
I screamed. Ran and embraced them.
"Mama… Papa…"
Their bodies were stiff. Cold. I couldn't bear to open the cloth, but finally, I fought my fear. The first cloth… Mama. Her face pale. Peaceful. But no longer alive.
The second cloth… Papa. The same. Calm, as if asleep. But I knew, they would never wake up.
"Caca is sorry… don't go yet. Caca isn't ready…"
Tears kept flowing. Regret crushed my chest. I thought I still had time. But in truth, time can never be predicted.
Saka hugged me from behind. "I told you… don't keep ignoring them for too long. They had that accident because they worried too much about you."
His words were like knives. Piercing slowly but deeply. And making me realize, that I had been the stubborn one. Too prideful to even speak first.
Then… everything blurred.
Slowly, I opened my eyes. The daylight slipped through the curtain gap, dancing on the silent bedroom floor. I sat up with uneven breath. My right hand reflexively touched my head. Still heavy. Still floating. But what felt heaviest wasn't my head, but my heart.
Suddenly, I shouted.
"Mama! Papa!"
No answer. Silence.
Without a second thought, I rushed downstairs. My heart pounding fast. I kept calling Papa, my steps hurried. But before reaching the kitchen, the sound of conversation from the living room stopped me.
Without hesitation, I immediately walked toward the living room. The moment I saw her figure, I didn't wait a second.
I hugged Mama tightly. Buried my face in her shoulder. Let everything go.
"Mama…"
The tears I had held back finally fell. Mama was startled for a moment, but her embrace grew tighter. Warm. Safe. Like home.
"Mama… forgive Caca," I said softly. My body began to tremble. My sobs broke out like a child who had just been scared.
"What's wrong, Dear? They said you were sick, right?" Mama asked while stroking my back.
"Yes… Caca wants to apologize."
"Yes. I forgive you. Mama also apologizes… for forcing you into an arranged marriage."
"Yes… Caca forgives Mama too."
I knew, it wasn't too late. And I would never waste it again.
Today, I had lunch with the people I loved most. Nothing special. Just a wooden table, a bowl of chicken soup, and laughter filling the room. But it felt… more than enough.
And somehow, I once again saw Saka smiling at me. Warm. Calm. As if he knew that dream had changed many things.
That dream might just be a flower of sleep. But from that dream, I grew.
Now, I know who I want to look at a little longer. And who I will never leave, no matter how far I go.
Turns out, it takes losing someone in a dream… to learn how to cherish those I can still hold in reality.