"Do you want me to suck it… or lick it?"
For a moment, my brain went completely dead. The roaring of the battle, the hiss of arrows, the clash of steel—it all faded into a surreal silence.
Even Seraphina and the other girl, the one with the staff whose name I still hadn't bothered to learn, stopped mid-swing, gawking at us like the fight had suddenly turned into a twisted theater performance.
"What the—" I muttered, my voice low and incredulous.
Lucas didn't flinch. He took a single, deliberate step closer. "I can even get on my knees if that's what it takes."
Now both girls were looking at me strangely, their eyes wide with a mix of confusion and—was that pity? It was as if I was the one who had started this madness.
"Wh—what the fuck are you saying in the middle of a fight, you bastard?" I snapped, glaring at him.
Lucas's face didn't waver. "No, I'm serious. I'm ready to suck toes or lick your feet if that's what it takes."
For a second, I froze. The statement was so bizarre it almost made a strange kind of sense. "...That actually sounds less gay, but still—what the actual fuck?"
Lucas lifted his sword again, his eyes burning with an earnestness that was both baffling and terrifying. "I can even get on my knees for forgiveness."
I blinked, my grip on the spear tightening. Okay, am I losing my mind, or is this guy genuinely retarded?
"What are you even trying to say? Apologize? Fine. But for what?"
"I am here at last," Lucas said, his voice ringing with a newfound seriousness that made the hairs on my arms stand up. "Through all my pride, I am formally apologizing to you, Evan Ravenshade. For all the things I did in the past—for being a nuisance during your meet-ups with Lady Emilia, and especially for calling that duel of honor. So please—" he paused, his jaw tightening as if forcing the words out, "—please accept my apologies… and mend your relationship with Lady Emilia.
"If that's not enough, I can even suck your—"
"Vo-vo-vo! Hold it right there, man!" I snapped, my hand shooting up like I was stopping a trainwreck. "Stop your trainwreck of a sentence right where it is!"
My voice was sharp, cutting through the tense silence. "First of all, I get the gist of what you're trying to say," I said flatly.
"Second—" I glanced at the two girls still frozen, staring at us like we were a bizarre piece of performance art. "You two, resume your fight. There's no drama show going on here."
"O-oh, y-yes," Seraphina stammered, her gaze flickering back to the surrounding battlefield.
The other girl hesitated. "But… are you sure? Maybe you need help—should we stand here—"
"Enough about that." I cut her off, my attention snapping back to Lucas. "And you… for someone like you to talk about kneeling? Wrong place, wrong time. We're in the middle of a test—monsters, teams, rankings, all that. There's a time for discussions, and this isn't it."
Lucas didn't flinch. His sword stayed steady, his eyes locked on me with an almost desperate sincerity. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice almost cracking. "But where else should I talk with you? I don't know your schedule. I don't know where you'll be, or if I'll ever get the chance again. So when I saw you here… I thought—this is it. This is the only chance I'll get."
Well… he had a point. Damn it, the bastard actually had a logical argument.
"Fine. I get it," I said, rolling my shoulders. "But let's not forget the seriousness of the situation here. So how about this—we let the weapons speak first. When they're done talking, then maybe we can chat with our mouths."
Lucas gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. "I think I can agree with that."
I didn't waste a heartbeat. With a firm grip, I lunged forward, my spear flashing in a tight arc.
Clang! My blade crashed against his sword, sparks flying with every collision.
This time, I didn't let myself get pushed back. And Lucas… he wasn't yielding either. The raw power behind his swings was a testament to his determination.
"Well, well… looks like the protagonist really is rising little by little," I thought, teeth clenched as the next clash shook through my arms.
If he keeps this up, maybe not long from now I'll be nothing more than a stepping stone in his story… a discarded memory.
I shoved the thought down. Not now. Not today.
Every thrust he sent, I answered with one of my own. We were a whirlwind of steel and motion, a personal duel in the middle of a larger, more brutal fight.
Yet even then, I caught it—the hesitation in his swings, the fraction of a second where his focus wasn't fully on me, but on the words he had just spoken.
The moment it showed, I slid to the side, my spear sweeping wide as my boot lashed out.
Thud—!
He blocked with his arm, the impact reverberating through him, a groan of effort escaping his lips.
He moved, his blade cutting through the air in a vicious arc. I caught it with the shaft of my spear, the clash ringing in my bones. Heavy, I thought, my jaw tightening, but I didn't let it slow me down.
I pivoted and lashed out with a side kick.
Thud— this time it connected.
"Guuh—!" Lucas staggered, the air knocked from his lungs.
I didn't waste a second. My fist drew back, ready to drive straight into him—
"Hey!"
The sudden voice broke through the clash. Aldric.
My punch stopped inches from Lucas's face. I turned, irritation prickling at me. "What now? Is this some kind of custom between your teammates—to jump in and disturb a fight?"
"Don't insult us, Ravenshade." Aldric's eyes narrowed, his tone low and steady. "That's not why I interrupted."
"Then what?" I asked sharply, my patience wearing thin.
He didn't answer immediately. Instead, his gaze swept across the clearing, wary. "...Don't you feel it? Something strange. Different."
I scoffed. "Like you?"
"No—you idiot." His voice carried a rare edge of unease. "Just look around."
I frowned but humored him, my eyes sweeping across the battlefield.
And then I noticed it. The hog goblins we had just cut down—their corpses were gone. The screeching gobbats we'd been swarmed by a moment ago—vanished.
Even with all the noise and chaos we caused, not a single new beast had been drawn in.
And worse—where were the other groups? The dungeon halls felt… empty.
An unnatural, suffocating quiet hung in the air, a silence far more terrifying than the roars of any beast.
A weird feeling clung to me, crawling under my skin.
"...Hey, Aldric." My voice was low, cautious. "Did you run into any other groups while diving deeper into this dungeon?"
He gave a short nod. "Initially, yes. We crossed paths with a few teams."
"And after that?" I pressed.
His expression hardened. "...Nothing. Not a single one. You're the only group we've come across since pushing further in."
That doesn't sound right. I narrowed my eyes.
"Did your team dive deeper? Did you, by any chance, face a boss monster or anything like that?" I asked, my mind racing through all the possibilities.
Aldric shook his head. "No. The strongest we've fought were ogres, but they've been solo. Nothing coordinated, nothing in groups."
…Strange. Too strange.
Why did it feel like the whole thing was ripped straight out of a novel? The early stages go smoothly, lull everyone into thinking it's routine—then, bam, the real problem kicks in. First clue? The lineup itself. Did we have someone troublesome in our group?
Yes. An elf princess. Seraphina Sylwen Faeloria. A heroine by every cliché definition.
And then, of course, the protagonist himself—Lucas, who was just spouting bullshit about sucking toes two minutes ago.
And, naturally, me. A transmigrated "villain" who knows too much.
By novel logic alone, everything here is screaming that things are about to go wrong. Painfully, catastrophically wrong.
"So, hey Aldric—since you're the captain here and supposedly the logical one—how about we just put this little competition aside and, you know, walk away like any sane person—"
I didn't even get to finish.
Thup. Thup. Thup.
A heavy, deliberate sound echoed through the cavern.
Each step landed like a drumbeat, slow and intentional, as if whatever it was wanted us to know it was coming. It wasn't the clumsy thud of a goblin or the lumbering stomp of an ogre.
This was something different. Something with purpose.
"What's that sound?" Lucas asked, his grip on his sword tightening, his earlier emotional turmoil forgotten.
"The sound of trouble," I muttered, my mind already running through potential escape routes.
Thup. Thup. Louder. Closer. The air itself felt heavier, like the dungeon was holding its breath. Do we wait for it to show itself… or run before it notices us?
Then—silence.
The steps stopped.
"Well, looks like whatever it was is gone," Aldric said, his relief palpable. "Anyway, where were we—"
CRAAASH!
The wall to our left exploded, stone shattering outward. Dust filled the air, and a sickening stench of rot and decay hit us, gagging us.
And from the gaping hole, with a guttural, earth-shaking roar, it emerged.
"GRRAAAAAAAAAA!"
An abomination of flesh and bone lurched into the open, dragging its grotesque weight forward. It was a hulking figure that towered above us, its purplish, jaundiced skin stretched too tight over a swollen frame, bulkier and more monstrous than any ogre we had faced.
Its blackened claws scraped against the stone, jagged and curved like butcher's hooks. When its mouth split wide, the stench of rot hit us first, followed by the sickening sight of rows of uneven, yellow teeth meant to rip and gnash through anything.
Strands of filthy, matted hair clung to its skull, framing two narrow green eyes that gleamed with feral hunger.
"…Fuck that," I muttered, louder than intended. "That's a troll."
Its gaze slid toward us—slow, deliberate. Like it had been waiting.
"GRRAAAAAAAAAA!"
The cavern shook with its roar as it lunged forward, every heavy step promising death.
"Everyone, dodge!" Aldric barked, his voice filled with a desperate urgency.
Like we aren't already doing that, I thought, pressing myself against the wall as the massive abomination thundered past, shaking the stone and throwing up clouds of dust.
"GRRAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The thing's roar rattled through our bones.
"What do we do?" one of Aldric's teammates asked—the girl whose name I still hadn't bothered to remember. Her voice was a terrified squeak.
I raised a hand, a practiced smile tugging at my lips. "Well, I have a suggestion. The most rational, logical thing a sane man—or woman—would do in this situation…"
Lucas cut me off, his sword at the ready, a newfound fire in his eyes. "We fight it off together!"
"No," I deadpanned, already turning on my heel. "We run for our fucking lives."
And I didn't wait for agreement—I was already sprinting.
I bolted, my boots pounding against the stone floor, the sound swallowed by the cavern's deep gloom. I could hear other footsteps thundering behind me, a mix of frantic scrambles and a few steady, determined strides.
Lucas was the first to catch up, panting, his sword still clutched in his hand.
"Hey—why are you running away!?" he shouted, his voice a mix of confusion and indignation.
I shot him a glare mid-sprint, my breath coming in short, sharp bursts. "If you've got a problem, you're welcome to stay behind and chat with that thing. Ask how it's been, whether it's eaten dinner yet, maybe if it has a wife and kids."
"That's not what I mean!" he snapped, his feet keeping pace with mine. "I'm saying we've got ten people total. It's just one monster—huge, yeah, but still one. If we group up, we can take it down!"
I barked a humorless laugh, the sound harsh and strained in my chest. "First of all, that 'one monster' is a fucking troll. And second—there ain't a chance in hell a bunch of first-years like us are taking it down. Unless you've suddenly unlocked some hidden hero-level cheat, in which case—go ahead, champ. Be my guest."
Lucas scowled, his breath uneven as we ran. "But don't you think it's cowardly? Running like this… tail between our legs, instead of standing our ground—"
I cut him off with a glare sharp enough to kill. "Are you deliberately fucking with me? Or did your IQ take a nosedive today? Because honestly—even a boy with Down syndrome would make a better logical judgment than what you're spouting right now."
"Hey, I was just trying to—"
Before Lucas could finish, a shrill, panicked scream cut through the air.
"Uwaaa—!"
The sound was followed by a heavy thud.
I spun around, my instincts screaming. The sight was exactly what I expected. The elf princess, Seraphina, was flat on her ass, scrambling backward on the ground, her face a mask of pure terror.
"Great," I muttered, the word laced with bitter sarcasm.
And, of course, cue Wilson the Simp. He dashed to her side, his heavy plate armor clanking with every step, his shield raised high like he was auditioning to be Captain America. He planted himself between her and the incoming troll.
Then her fellow elf, came rushing in to join him.
"Double great."
"They need help!" Lucas shouted, his eyes wide with a hero's resolve. He didn't hesitate for a second, sprinting toward them with a reckless abandon that only a protagonist could possess.
"Triple great."
My eyes flicked between them—the perfect lineup of a tragic hero's tale. The protagonist, Lucas, sprinting toward his destiny. The heroine, Seraphina, cowering in fear. The knight-in-shining-simp, Wilson, ready to sacrifice himself. The best-friend elf, running to the aid of his princess. The main cast, basically.
And me? I'm not stupid enough to join that circus. They've got protagonist immunity wrapped around them tighter than a shield spell. Their plot armor is impenetrable. Me? I'm expendable background fodder. I'm the character who dies in the first ten minutes to show how serious the threat is.
So what did I do? I ran. I left them behind without looking back.
Yes, I know. It doesn't follow the noble 'rules of comradeship.' It's not what a hero would do. But screw that. If I'm going to die, I'd rather choose the time and place—not end up as troll shit by tomorrow morning.
So I ran. No hesitation. No second thoughts. Just away.
And that's how I left them behind, to face their heroic, and likely suicidal, fate.