"What are these … Herrenrasse?" asked Bjarki, he hated the look of them, lumbering metallic boxes of silly awkwardness.
"They are vile, putrid, disgusting," began Huliette, her tone malignant with wrath, "horribly terrible, dangerous, malevolent, diabolical, demonic, cruel, repugnant, loathsome, wretched, depraved, foul, abhorrent, noxious, obscene, revolting, repulsive, sickeningly grotesque, hideous abominations."
"Oh," pondered Bjarki, his big brown eyes in bear mode went slightly cross eyed, his tongue drooping out in contemplation, "so, you're not a fan of them?"
Huliette snorted in contempt, her eyes narrowed is spite as further waves of hate and disdain washed over her, "They are the killers of species, the murderers of worlds."
"Oh, they're not that tough," rebuffed Baldur with too much confidence, "they run from the Intergalactic Federation of Semi Aquatic Guinea Pigs and hide in the shadows."
"They're nauseatingly hideous," spat Huliette, "appalling, ghastly, terrifying, gruesome, dreadful, horrific, nightmarish and atrocious."
"So," realised Bjarki, "they're real bad eggs then?"
"Yes Bjarki," added Baldur, "and their progenitors did terrible things to Huliette."
"They cut me into pieces," she said, "tore me apart, day after day, after day. I was vivisected, tortured, dismembered, shot, burned, frozen, drowned, poisoned and killed using every method their abysmally frightful minds could conjure."
"Why the fudge do that?" asked Bjarki.
"They wanted to discover the source of her immortality," replied Baldur.
"Patient Number 9," Huliette said soberly, soaked in spite and venom, "beneath Slaughterhouse 5."
Bjarki looked increasingly confused, "But, you were an agent for the Primordial Earth Protectorate, right? Couldn't they just track you down, beam you out or something?"
"A German sniper shot me in the neck, unfortunately that's where my original tracking chip was located."
"The first time you fell off their grid, my love?"
"Yes."
"The torture they put me through. I was forced to listen to Beethoven backwards at just the right frequency to make my head explode."
"Fudging hell," commented Bjarki.
"I was male back then," sighed Huliette, "they took sadistic delight in chopping off the whole five, just to watch them grow back."
Bjarki looked even more confused.
Baldur rolled onto his side towards Bjarki. He placed his hands over his Asgardian jewels, stretched out all of his fingers and wiggled them."
"Oh, so then the females also had five, ah… You know?"
Baldur shook his head and just raised his index finger.
"Oh," said Baldur, "Ohhh," he realised.
"It all happened to Huliette towards the end of World War 2 on Primordial Earth," said Baldur.
"Oh, that fudged up fiasco," said Bjarki, "so, like the Herrenrasse, were they originally like, Nazis or something?"
"Yes," spat Huliette.
"Why do you think they are here?" pondered Bjarki.
Baldur looked at Huliette with deep concern. His heart ached for her. He could feel her pain and rage. She didn't turn away and continued to stare from her position, lying down on the pink, grey quartz surface of the cliff. She watched them intently. Her Tralfamadorian eyes gave her far greater depth perception and clarity.
"They're collecting small animal specimens and samples of plants and fungi," she said.
It dawned on Baldur, "My love, after all of these years, they're still trying to discover the source of your immortality."
Huliette continued to stare down and across the valley at them, "They'll never find it," she scoffed, "like I said, I was altered by our biotechnologists."
"But, did your scientists gene splice you with genes from Tralfamadore's biosphere?"
Huliette let out a sigh, laced with fear, hurt and realisation, "Yes."
"Well, I am afraid that this is why they are here, and the fact we are seeing them right here, right now, while we are visiting … my love, they've been on Tralfamadore for a very, very long time."
Huliette didn't move, but her eyes welled up and tears poured down her cheeks. Baldur watched helplessly. Who she was, what she had gone through and now, here, still no happiness, no release, no inner peace. He tried to comfort her and placed his right hand lovingly between her shoulder blades, but she subtly shook him away. The big god's heart ached for her. He looked down with growing anger from the cliff towards the flying saucer landed in the valley. He glared at the Herrenrasse. Perhaps 30, maybe 40 of them? They rolled around, collecting samples using a single robotic arm with a clamp like hand, snatching up living specimens.
Baldur's eyes narrowed. A serious expression on his face, "Okay then, that settles it. Bjarki mate?"
"Yeah bro?"
"Let's go say hello."
"Valhalla style?"
"Of course."
"Wait, what?" Huliette rolled to her side as Baldur stood up and climbed onto Bjarki's back, "Baldur, you can't go down there – it's too dangerous."
"Nonsense my love," smiled Baldur, "it's just 30, maybe 40 tin cans at most down there. We will hardly break out a sweat."
"But you're not strong enough, you've been away from Asgard for too long. You are fading."
"Not at all my love. I've still got enough belief in the tank to take on these tin cans," he rubbed the fur on top of Bjarki's head, "I might be all about beauty, light … and apparently purity, but I still know how to throw a good punch or two."
"No Baldur, please, don't go … don't!"
"Piece of cake my love," he gave her a wink, "giddy up Bjarki."
"All right, off to battle we go," Bjarki smiled, "it's been a while. Let's have some fun."
Huliette cried out in vain as Baldur on the back of Bjarki, leapt off the cliff and into the air. The bear glided at hypersonic speed towards the flying saucer landed in the valley below. The Herrenrasse had no idea what was happening when Bjarki and Baldur slammed head on into the top of the saucer. It shattered and exploded, taking out a handful of Herrenrasse nearby.
"INTRUDER ALERT!" boomed the remaining Herrenrasse.
"SECOND-RATE BEINGS!"
"WE ARE THE SUPERB BEINGS!"
"OBLITERATE!"
"OBLIT-ERATE!!"
"OBLIT-TER-ATE!!!"
Particle beams blasted from the single canon protruding from the front of each Herrenrasse. The blasts struck Baldur and Bjarki but had little to no effect. Their power of belief absorbed the blasts with ease.
Baldur leapt off the back of Bjarki and launched an uppercut into the closest Herrenrasse, decapitating its turret. Out of curiosity, Baldur looked through the sparks and smoke and into the gaping hole.
"Well, will you look at that," he reached an arm deep into the innards of the tank, pulling out a hideous little critter, wriggling helplessly, squealing like an unholy swine, "so, this is what they really look like Bjarki. Will you take a look at this fuggly little piss ant."
"Kind of like a fudged-up foetus, crossed with an octopus," Bjarki replied, tearing apart several Herrenrasse.
Baldur closed his massive hand around the hideous Herrenrasse. It gargled in pain before shattering like fruit. Splatters of pink, fluorescent blood, splattered across Baldur's handsome face and glistening pecs.
"By Fenrir's balls this is fun!" cheered Baldur.
"You're telling me!" replied Bjarki.
"Fools!" cried Huliette, she stood up on the cliff, "you don't understand, she said with great fear and trepidation. The Herrenrasse are like roaches, like wasps, like fire ants! More will swarm!"
There was no time to waste, she had to warn them. Without hesitation and with Paula Abdul's Straight Up playing from her ear buds, Huliette dove off the cliff, falling to the forest floor, careful not to fall on her belly. Her body shattered on the rocks below. Moments later she reanimated, pink, fluorescent blood retreating back into pink, fluorescent gore as wounds closed, muscles healed, and crystalline bones mended. Fully regenerated, she started to run towards their direction.
Moments later, Baldur turned to Bjarki and smiled. Both were smothered in pink flurorescent blood. All that remained of the flying saucer was a smoking crater filled with charged and moltern slag. Parts of Herrenrasse mobility aids were strewn across the ground, hissing sparks and venting smoke. Baldur noticed a solitary Herrenrasse, flung from the sanctity of its mobility aid, the helpless creature tried in vain to crawl away. It was too weak and pathetic to barely move. Baldur stepped on its head, which burst like a pink rockmelon.
"Piece of cake, Bjarki."
"Boring as fudge," Bjarki replied, "You were right, we barely worked up a sweat."
And then the sky grew dark as the noise of thousands of Herrenrasse flying saucers blocked out the sun. Baldur looked up in disbelief.
"Ah Bjarki mate," he said without turning his head from the skies, "I think we might have, bitten off more than we can chew."
"Awe, fudge," replied Bjarki.
Huliette made it to them. She stood at the edge of the tree line. Baldur noticed her. She was panting, panicking, her eyes wide, fear written across her face, "Run…" she could barely speak out of panic, "Run!"
Baldur just looked across the field and into her eyes, "Bjarki mate," he said without looking away from Huliette, "keep her safe, get her to Asgard."
Bjarki looked at Huliette, up at the thousands of saucers that now blocked out all of the sky and then back to Baldur.
"Just go, big fella."
Without further hesitation, Bjarki bolted off in the direction of Huliette.
Baldur smiled at Huliette with such infinite love and sadness, he mouthed the words slowly, "I love you."
"Nooo!" she cried, her eyes welled up with tears, "Baldur, you don't understand … I am with child!"
Baldur was shocked and then filled with joy that was swiftly drowned by sorrow, "I, I didn't … know, my love!"
Bjarki bolted towards her as fast as his four furry legs could go. A saucer pointed its death ray at the bolting bear and fired a shot. Bjarki's eyes bulged in pain as the fur on his arse was blown clean off, exposing a chunky set of bald butt cheeks.
"Nooo!"
Bjarki continued to race towards Huliette.
Baldur looked away from Huliette and up towards the thousands of Herrenrasse saucers. It was too late. In defiance, he flipped them all the bird with both raised hands.
They opened fire with endless volleys of death rays. Each bolt containing enough joules of energy to sublimate a polar ice cap.
"Noooooo!" cried Huliette.
She raced towards Baldur but was scooped up by Bjarki who had transformed into his humanlike form. Once Huliette was over his shoulder, he transformed back into a bear.
The endless volleys of death rays continued. Thousands of bolts struck Baldur. He stood his ground, arms up, both hands still flipping the Herrenrasse the bird.
"Noooooo!"
Thousands upon thousands of bolts continued to strike Baldur. The energy from each bolt piercing inwards. The bolts continued until finally, the power of belief that sustained Baldur broke…
When the smoke cleared, Baldur still stood, both arms pointed to the sky, both hands still flipping the bird. But now he was lifeless, a charged statue of grey ash. A gentle breeze blew through and Baldur was swept away with the wind.
"Noooooooooooo!" cried Huliette in grief, grief so complete.
"PATIENT NUMBER 9 DETECTED!" boomed the flying saucers in unison.
"PATIENT NUMBER 9 DETEC-TED!!"
"PATIENT NUMBER 9 DE-TEC-TED!!!"
"CAPTURE THE SPECIMEN!"
"CAPTURE THE SPECI-MEN!!'
"CAPTURE THE SPE-CI-MEN!!!"
It was hard with all of the grief and distraction, but Bjarki focused on firing up his pineal gland, opening the Bifrost gateway. The big brown bear galloped through. Huliette collapsed on his back, overcome with grief.
The gateway closed.