As Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas continued to boom from the ghetto blaster, the karate chimp let out a series of high pitched screams before launching a succession of seven jump spinning crescent kicks into Shawshank – the Fat Flash's noggin. The chimp finished up with a powerful donkey back kick that sent Shawshank soaring.
"yInoH, qoH!" roared Joel the Klingon.
With every atom digitally encoded into the fabric of his being, Joel summoned the wrath of every Klingon depicted in fiction. He instinctively shook both fists and without thought, conjured up a Klingon bat'leth from the quantum field.
Joel roared as he charged and swung the bat'leth repeatedly at the karate chimp. The simian sensei maintained maai – distance control. It dodged, bobbed, weaved and evaded every Qach, tIq, vIH, and cha'pI.
Kung Fu Davo bounced and pranced around. He seemed to cry out for 'water' in a long and exaggerated fashion, while he looked for an opportunity to strike the karate chimp.
At the right moment, the karate chimp executed a flawless uke-waza, a circular flowing block that knocked the Klingon bat'leth from Joel's hands. The impact with the bitumen caused it to disappear in a flash as it returned to the quantum field.
The karate chimp smiled, it let out another series of high pitched screams before executing a tobi-mae geri – jumping front kick. The ball of the chimp's foot struck Joel in the jaw with such force that the fat arse Klingon did a backflip before slamming face first into the road.
In zenkutsu-dachi – deep stance and with both fists clenched, the karate chimp readied itself for the barrage of kung fu foolery that Davo was about to unleash.
It was awesome, like watching Bruce Lee battling Chuck Norris, Van Damme kicking the sherbet out of Bolo Yeung, Jackie Chan bringing the biff to Benny 'The Jet' Urquidez, Sammo Hung smashing on against Richard Norton (RIP Soke), a whole collection of Steven Seagal's fight scenes along with Optimus Prime punching his way through Decepticons before tearing Shockwave a new one.
Unfortunately for Kung Fu Davo, against the karate chimp, in all of those examples above, he was Chuck Norris, Bolo Yeung, Benny 'The Jet' Urquidez, Richard Norton, the guys who played along with Steven Seagal's bull-crappery and of course, poor Shockwave.
It was when all help seemed lost that Shawshank, who had unconsciously summoned a pair of brass knuckles from the quantum field, blindsided the karate chimp with a cross to the jaw.
The karate chimp rolled back in shock before it climbed the nearest tree. There it sat on a branch. The chimp rubbed its jaw in annoyance and whimpered.
Shawshank helped Joel to his feet. The two pulled Kung Fu Davo from the ground. His face was black and blue, covered in cuts and bruises along with a missing front tooth. His red silk kung fu suit was in tatters.
"I, I," Davo stammered like a drunk, "I almost had him at the start."
"QamtaHghachlIj 'ej qaq, batlh je!" said Joel.
Davo looked at Shawshank.
"He said that you fought bravely and with honour."
"Um," stuttered and slurred Davo, "uh, ah; okay." He looked up at the chimp in the tree. "What's he doing?"
"Licking his wounds," lisped Shawshank, "nope," he squinted, "now he's doing a deep squat while scratching his butt."
They stood there for about half a minute.
"Um," said Davo, "he's had his hand down the back of his gi pants for a while," he squinted, "what's he doing now? Is he?"
Joel grunted, "vIH."
"What?"
"He said; run."
"Awe crap…"
The three turned and started to run. They dodged volleys of simian fecal grenades as the chimp unleashed a torrent of high pitched screams.
They ran and ran and ran until they could run no more and then they continued to run. They ran past the pub and the dead pig, along with younger Himbo, who was still diligently practicing jiu jitsu solo drills on the footpath. The three kept going, off down the road and into the night.
"How did you two pull weapons out of the thin air?" puffed Kung Fu Davo as they ran.
Joel the Klingon just grunted.
"Dunno," huffed and lisped Flat flash – Shawshank, "it just felt; like something natural to do … I think we're magicians."
"Must be some kind of qi gong," puffed and pondered Davo, "I'll need to give it a go myself … I feel," he puffed, "that I could conjure up the ancient kung fu ways of iron fists and iron shirt."
"Mm," grunted Joel.
Eventually they came across a big black semi, parked along the side of the road. Rain began to fall … black rain. Chief, Lulu – the woman with swords, the Indian fellow, Tex Tockley, Ronch Reefa and the farmer were about to climb into the back of the trailer. They each carried a large, dull green duffel bag.
"Where's the trucker chick and the barmaid?" huffed Kung Fu Davo.
"They're up front in the cab," said the farmer, "well, I was going to ride in the cab as well, but I was a gentleman and gave my seat to the barmaid."
The black rain continued to fall.
"Geez man," said Ronch to Kung Fu Davo, "man you look like a half spent piñata."
"I, I fought a chimpanzee that knew karate."
"Right," nodded the farmer in disgust, before he climbed into the back of the trailer, "can we all just go? Don't wanna stick around here in flaming Loopyville any longer."
The truck's engine started up. The black rain continued to fall. It flowed over the truck.
"It was something," lisped the Fat Flash – Shawshank, as he climbed into the trailer, Joel gently pushed his buttocks from behind to help him up, "but watching kung fu take on karate is very robotic. Like two robots going toe to toe."
The black rain continued to fall.
"What, like transformers fighting?" asked the Indian fellow.
"Yes," thought Shawshank as he stroked his bearded chin, "no, more like two dancers at a dance off, dancing the robot."
"So, not like transformers then," said the Indian fellow.
"Man," observed Ronch, "the rain sure is black man," from the back of the trailer he reached out to touch it.
"Don't!" said Chief, he pulled Ronch's hand away, "the rain is tainted."
"Tainted with what?" asked Ronch.
"Tainted with nanobots from an extraterrestrial spaceship," replied Chief.
"Oh, not this crap again," complained the farmer, "bloody weirdos in costumes, pink land squids, monstrous razorbacks, rhinos … flaming, I dunno, Mongolians on dirt bikes, talking about; extra transvestites and what ever," he looked angrily at Ronch and pointed, "I'm telling you all, l swear on the Brisbane Broncos, before the statue of the mighty Wally Lewis, I'm telling you," he pointed his finger several times sternly at Ronch, "that this flaming hippy put something in our drinks."
"Get a grip and wake up to yourself," sneered Tex Tockley to the farmer, "the world is not what it seemed. What you thought it was, is just a paradigm and nothing more. Your beliefs about reality are exactly that – just beliefs. Now, get a grip of the situation, suck it up and grow a pair."
"What?" joked the farmer in annoyance, " just accept all of this and transform into a big arse weirdo like the rest of you lot?" he snickered in annoyance and shook his head, "well bugger that for a joke." He turned and made his way between boxes to the back of the trailer and gave the wall several thumps, "Come on luv, get this truck rolling."
Up front in the cab, the Māori trucker chick turned to the barmaid, "You buckled in?" she asked.
"Yeah," the barmaid replied between sniffles and snobs.
"Don't worry lass," smiled the trucker chick, "you're in big old Betsy, she's bigger and blacker than Megatron's arsehole. You're safe now, it's all good."
It stopped raining.
The barmaid nodded and smiled. She wiped her eyes with a tissue before she blew her nose.
"Yeah," said the Māori trucker chick as she looked ahead with a slight smile of confidence, "like I just said, bigger and blacker than Megatron's arsehole."
And then it happened…
The big black semi started to transform into a big black robot. In the commotion the trailer was pushed backwards. In alarm, everyone in the trailer ran for the exit. They dove to the side and out onto the road. By the time they were all out, the truck had transformed.
The giant robot turned around and looked down at them.
BUGS! It boomed.
Still pumped with adrenaline from the fight with the karate chimp, Kung Fu Davo took the initiative and leapt forward. He could feel his iron fists solidify as an iron shirt fortified his chest. In his mind, he was bullet proof, he was indestructible.
"Water!" he cried, assuming a kung fu fighting stance.
STOMP!
Where Davo stood now rested the steel boot of the giant robot. The robot dropped 11 metric tonnes of its weight into its boot. It turned its boot from left to right repeatedly. The bitumen ripped away in cracks and chunks. When the robot lifted its boot, nothing was left of Kung Fu Davo, bar some gooey gore, grinded into the tread.
"Fudge me!" shouted the farmer.
The big black robot looked to the dark heavens and unleashed an ungodly laugh. It thumped its chest and continued to laugh.
Everyone stood there in shock, huddled together. Chief used this time to scan the robot for areas of weakness.
It was then that the robot paused, its hands held its, well; for lack of a better term – stomach area. It lurched over in pain and moaned, before it took a squat and blasted chunks of red gunk from its sump hole. The gunk formed a pungent pile five feet high.
"Oh," sighed Ronch Reefa, "that's definitely not cool man."
"What is it?" asked the farmer, his eyes bulbed like a goldfish at the gore, "oh hell, don't tell me that's what's left of the girls? Oh…my…God!"
Lulu – the woman with swords, quietly and slowly drew both katanas from their scabbards.
Tex loaded bullets into the chamber of his massive revolver.
Shawshank conjured up another pair of knuckle dusters. He clanked them together and assumed a boxing stance.
Joel materialised a pair of Klingon disruptors from the quantum field.
Satisfied he found the robot's areas of weakness, Chief unleashed a series of strategically aimed shots into the robot.
It did nothing.
The robot unleashed another roar of ungodly laughs, BITCH PLEASE, it boomed before transforming the bottom part of its big black right arm into a big black gun. The circumference of the barrel was massive and it was loaded with a round so destructive that it could blast an aircraft carrier in half.
"toH, DaHjaj 'oH QaQ jaj vIHegh."
"Yes," agreed Shawshank, "perhaps today, is a good day to die."
"I am sorry," apologised Chief, "I've failed my mission … all is lost."
For some reason, the intro to Tom Waits' Going Out West filled the air. It was accompanied by the sound of a bang in the distance…
This was all followed by the sight of a small guided missile that circled in from behind the robot. The missile honed in on the weakest point of all – the base of the robot's skull. It struck without warning and detonated.
The robot's head shattered like a stick of dynamite going off in the heart of a crystal chandelier. The robot's body swayed, stumbled, stammered and fell. The shock of the fall almost knocked everyone to the ground.
Chief looked up. His helmet's visor tracked the missile's trajectory back to its source. Chief zoomed in on a figure standing on the roof of an abandoned house. The figure wore some kind of armoured environmental suit, jet black like the event horizon of a black hole. It had some kind of high tech missile launcher mounted on its shoulder. The letters 'M.R.' were embossed in red on its chest plate.
"What do you see?" asked Lulu.
"Someone in battle armour," Chief replied.
The dark figure thumped the letters on its chest and disappeared in the flash of a trans-dimensional jump.
"Who was that?" asked Tex Tockley, the figure was too far away to make out but he noticed that it disappeared in the flash.
"I don't know," replied Chief, "but right here, right now, our narrative thread was about to end … but whatever it was, prevented that."
"Wow," said the Indian fellow, "not to come across as stereotypical, but it took quite a lot of mental fortitude just then, to hold back about three pounds of vindaloo."
They stood there for a moment, at the base of the robot's wreckage, sparks, fire and smoke filled the air. Ronch reached into his pocket, grabbed what he needed, rolled something questionable and lit up the tip.