Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.
Slowly opening my eyes, I felt a light pain in my ear as my chest felt heavy. Waking up from a peaceful nap had made my body feel uninterested to move any longer, and so it lay there like a corpse withering away in the ground. Tilting my head to the left, I saw a pretty robin chirping loudly into my ear. Noticing my acknowledgement of its presence, it tilted its head to the right as if it were examining me. I gave a small smile before returning to face the clear blue skies up above. It was a beautiful day. From looking above, I could see every inch of the sky without a patch of a cloud covering it up. The grass brushed over my body through the help of the slight breeze, making me feel much more at peace.
I distinctly remember occasions like this when me and my mother would just lay in the grass and stare up at the sky for hours, usually adding in our daily dose of gossip about the world. Times like those made me appreciate life much more. Small instances would normally bring me the happiest moments, and I lived for them. Every day, I would wake up and start my day with a huge smile planted across my face as I eagerly anticipated that small bit of joy that was going to enter my life. Whether it was a simple kind gesture from a stranger or a great mark on an exam. Every small thing I clutched onto and savoured it to the fullest extent.
And now I lay on this cold, sharp glass floor staring up at my own reflection. The slight breeze being changed for an artificial wind, the chirping being changed for the static sound of the speaker, and the clear blue sky being changed for a glass roof with an image of my own self. Laying down on the same cold tile had begun to take a toll on me. Being alone for such a long time was something I underestimated. I never expected to be left in such a vulnerable state so many times without anything to do to prevent it.
Looking at my left was a wall made of glass from which my reflection stared directly back at me. I let out a small smile as if I returned back to looking at my clear, colourless glass. It was moments like this that made me feel regret that I had not held onto those little happy instances for much longer. I had not savoured that last bite for one more second. Maybe then, this loneliness I was feeling as of lately wouldn't swallow me whole so quickly. I felt a sharp stabbing pain at the centre of my heart as I continued to contemplate my past. The joy I felt back then was joy like any other, but the despair I felt now was despair like any other.
Picking myself up, I walked around my glass chamber, trying to find something to latch onto for hours. I was eager to find something that would become my little moment of joy that I could savour for eternity in this confinement. Little by little, my walk became more tiring and treacherous as I began to lose my sense of direction after nonstop walking.
Bang.
My head struck onto one of the walls of the room, sending me flying down onto the floor, a tiny crack appearing at where my head rested.
I can't anymore. I'm actually going to die from this boredom.
I thought to myself as I lay there lazily without a care in the world, my palm on my face. The static sound of the speaker continuously humming silently in the background made me lose some patience. Being confined in this inhumane space was bad enough, but hearing a constant unpleasant sound for my entire staying within this place made me lose my mind.
Someone, please. Anyone. Save me from this hellhole. I can't stand another day in this place without anything to do.
"Good morning, Jolynn." A voice from the speaker spoke.
Instantly, my deflated expression shined brightly with joy as I rushed towards the speaker and sat in front of it in an instant.
"Morning!" I said enthusiastically with a huge smile.
"You seem happy today."
"Well... I am talking with you again today." I said whilst playing with my hair. "So, what is it today? Another talk or another dream."
"For some odd reason, my dream sequences are not working for you, so for the mean time, let us just chat the day out."
"Sure." I replied. "What is our talk for today?"
"What is fear?"
"Fear?" I asked, tilting my head.
"I walked through the streets a while back, and I saw the town unfold into chaos and fear. Some people screamed and shouted, others fought, some ran away and cowered into hiding, some prayed, and some remained upright and brave. Everyone had a different response to each other. A different way of emulating this thing is called fear. If all our ways of exhibiting fear are different, how are we able to really define it in a general notion?"
I thought for a second, placing my hand on my chin, trying to find an answer.
"I guess we can not simplify fear to apply It to a general population. We all have different ways of showcasing our emotions. Some people might laugh to showcase their sadness whilst others cry in joy to showcase their happiness. If we base our emotions away from the individuals and place them onto society, we will get a massive cluster of different ideas and opinions. For me, when I feel fear, my body breaks down. I can't feel my hands anymore as it feels as if my brain shuts itself down and hides away inside my head." I say as I point to my forehead.
"Maybe for someone else, the way they show their fear is through retaliation, and for some, they stand brave to mask their own fear. They don't want to show others how weak and helpless they feel. No one does. We all want to look as perfect as we can. But that fear that gnaws deep inside us continues to flourish the more we hide it and the more we release it. It is an interesting feeling. Some days, I don't even realise that I am feeling fear until someone points it out in the moment or after the moment, and looking back, I would agree with them. I feel that out of all the emotions and feelings we have, fear is the one we can not control no matter what. It controls us."
"What an interesting perspective. I must say, for a country girl, you have quite the mind." His voice had such care and acknowledgement behind them that I could not help but feel a huge wave of joy wash over me.
"T...Thanks." I said in reply, blushing a bit. "But what is your take on it? What is fear?"
"Hm, I'm not sure. The majority of my life, I went about thinking of fear as a response to danger. A primitive instinct that encompassed our violent and cowardice nature. It is sown into us very on DNA to feel fear. Without it, we are not alive. It is an essential part of our existence. Even in animals, we can see the same responses. A rabbit will flee from a fox whilst a tiger hunts a gazelle. That is the law of the world. But as of lately, I don't really think I understand fear. I don't think anyone does. We always base fear on our flight or fight response, but we just leave it as that. No one really takes the time to delve into it and understand why we react in certain ways. I think we always feel fear. Instead of an emotion that is shown at certain times or certain circumstances, it is always present."
"Every second that passes, fear accompanies us. Even now, we feel fear. We may not see it or understand it, but it is always present. That continuous thought at the back of your head eating you away, the secretive stares to look behind your back, the tingling sensation of something crawling upon your skin, which is fear. It is a subconscious feeling that is on nonstop."
"So, we are always afraid?" I asked.
"Yes. We can never not be afraid. Even now, you have this uneasy sensation that you feel across your body. Every second that passes, we inch closer to death. Every time someone comes up to you, you feel a strange feeling of anxiety. Every time you hear a tap, your body starts to act weirdly. Even when you sit and read a book, you always have this lingering feeling of whether or not the door is closed or if you are truly alone. We fear all the time. It isn't just primarily focused on horrifying occurrences. It is everyday little things."
"But I do not feel fear right now." I said quietly.
"Do you not? Then why did you say it so quietly?" He said, making my eyes open wide. "Your mannerism, your tone, your behaviour. It all encompasses your fear. You act much more respectfully to be people older than you out of the fear of looking rude or the fear of your parents. Just now, you couldn't even confidently speak out because of the fear of proving me wrong. We always fear. But we must not think of it as a bad thing. Fear drives us. Not happiness, not our families, nothing else. It is all the power of fear."
"I see. So then, if fear is just an emotion that is constantly on, then how does that allow for other emotions to act? If we always have this underlying feeling of fear, then why do we feel happiness and love and joy and sadness? Two opposites can not exist at the same time."
"Really? So, when you feel in love, you also have the fear of losing that love. When you feel happy, you have that fear of feeling unhappy. When you feel sad, the reason for your sadness ignites fear into your heart to make you sad. Just like we have fuels for our cars and trains, fear is the fuel for the human body. Do you understand now?"
I nod. His ideas and explanations all had perfect reasoning for it. We feel fear even when we have other emotions clashing within us. No one can feel something individually on its own. That isn't how we work. Even when we feel happy for someone, in some far part of our brain, we still have that small hint of jealousy residing inside us. Even now, as I talk to him, I can feel the underlying fear within me. Now that he had spoken and brought it to light, it has become clearer to me. This feeling of fear brimming inside me, waiting to spread like a virus. It's sickening. The very presence of it makes me nauseous.
"You can feel it now, can't you? That fear inside you. It's becoming more prominent. Starting to eat you alive, tearing at your skin, devouring your organs. How does it feel?" His voice sounded so hypnotic.
"Stop, stop talking about it." I said quietly, the feeling growing more and more.
"What are you afraid of right now? Is it me? Past memories? Fear itself?"
"Just stop, please." I begged.
"No, it's loneliness." He said, finally satisfied with getting to the answer.
I couldn't even reply to him, making it more certain that he knew he was right. All I could do was hang my head in shame. He got me. I should have known that everything with him has an ulterior motive. I should have seen it. But for some reason, I always fall for it. His conversation about fear was just so that he could make me feel fear. He didn't have any questions that needed answering. He just wanted something to ignite a response out of me. A game. That was all it was to him. I could feel the sadness well up inside of me. Thinking back to my earlier reaction of hearing his voice, I felt like such a fool.
Why did I get excited to see him? Was it because we had a tiny bond last time? I rushed over like an idiot and sat and played his games like a puppet. Why do I keep falling for his tricks?
I thought to myself as I felt immense embarrassment towards myself. All I could do in response was curl up into a ball like a child and sit there in shame.
"What happened, Jolynn? Was I right? Were you feeling so lonely being alone, only accompanied by your own reflections that you grew hungry to hear another voice? And by chance, that voice happened to be mine, how unfortunate. Maybe now, you felt the fear of being alone again after our talk. Didn't you? Jolynnnn."
The way he said my name irritated me. The exaggerated lengthening at the end made me feel like a toy that he was playing with.
"You got what you wanted. Why are you still here?" I mumbled.
"Because you are my subject, Jolynn. I'm always here for you. Even when everyone else in the world has abandoned you, I will never. Annabeth and Harold do not care for you, nor does your mother. Only I do. Remember that, Jolynn. Remember the fear of loneliness you felt. And don't forget who cured that fear. Whenever you need me, I will always come."
"You promise?" I said, slowly lifting my head.
"I promise." He replied.
I knew it was a trap. I could feel it in my heart. But he only spoke with so much sincerity when he told the truth. Maybe I was a fool for listening in, for giving in, but I didn't have any other choice. Being confined within a glass cage for however long he needed me for, without a single voice around me, my reflection being my only companion was unnerving. But I had a slimmer of hope right in front of me. The man who put me in this state was my only hope. I knew that whatever he needed me for wasn't good. Whatever he plans to do to me may be like hell. But I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to go back to who I was before. I couldn't. I needed him just as much as he needed me. Tears began to fall down my cheek uncontrollably as I cried like a baby. My emotions flowed out like a river without an end. My head felt light as I couldn't make sense of my surroundings anymore.
Looking down at the glass floor, all I saw was my reflection. But it wasn't who I was now. It was me in the past. The past I wanted to leave behind and forget. The obnoxious person who I used to be now stared directly at me with a devilish smile.
"Accept him." It said to me. "Let him control you, as I was controlled by my own problems. Either way, you end up becoming me. Whether it is a slave to yourself or a slave to someone else. I win either way."
"No." I whispered." You're wrong. I'm not like you anymore. I can stand up for myself. I can do things that you never dreamt of. I'm strong."
"And yet you still cower like a child." The voice said, from behind me.
Looking over my shoulder, all I could see was the younger self of me standing there with a huge grin. Tears flowed down her cheeks nonstop as her hair was a mess. She wore ragged clothes and a bruise on her left cheek.
"How are you here?" I asked.
"I'm always here. Always with you, my dear." She said whilst caressing my shoulder. "No matter how far you run, the past always catches up. But don't worry, I can never leave your side. Your friends, families, relatives, and even your own captor will all soon leave you one day. But I won't. I'm you. And you're me."
"No, you're not me. You're who I was."
"Who I was who I am. That doesn't matter. At the end of the day, we are still the same. You can pridefully boast about how you have changed and how you have become such an amazing person. But deep down, you're still that same little child who always cried and always stayed away from everyone else. See, maybe you should really just die. The problem is never solved until the root cause has disappeared. And you're the root cause. So why don't you just go?"
"I'm not that weak." I said, wiping my tears.
"Oh wow! How splendid. You're not that weak, are you? Then why do you hold onto him?"
"Because I don't want to be alone." I replied sadly.
"Aw, poor Jolynn. Always the people's woman aren't you? Never staying alone and always surrounded by a crowd. But you know, people die. They leave and wither away. And you get left in their dust. And then you're dead soon after. Thrown into the ground to be left alone and forgotten. That is how life works. One way or another, you end up being alone."
"I may die alone, but I don't want to live my life by myself. I want people to be with me every step of the way. I want my family to see me graduate. I want my friends to ask me out every time they hang out. I want my classmates to include me with any project that happens. Is it wrong to ask for such a thing? Is it wrong to not want to be alone?"
"And if it is a wrong thing? You're a genius. A prodigy. They even let you go to university earlier than other because of how smart you are. Why do you need others when you are so capable on your own."
"Being capable doesn't mean you should be alone. Everyone needs someone. We are humans, after all. Like any other animal, we can not survive by ourselves. We can not live without the comfort of another person. Even the smartest of geniuses have those that stand by their side. So, when I do the same thing, why am I wrong? Why do I get attacked?"
"Because you're still weak, Jolynn. Don't you get it. You have been running from your past for so long, and now it comes back to haunt you. I told you. I'm always by your side. As long as I am here, you deserve to be alone. That is your reward. Even if you cling to him for now, he won't be with you forever. Keep that in mind when you accept his proposal. I'm always watching Jolynn. We all are."
And then she was gone. My remnant, my past, whatever she was, disappeared in the blink of an eye. Sitting there, cowering into my legs, I began to think of what I should do. I knew that he was waiting for my answer, and I knew that what I chose would determine the rest of my time here. But I didn't know what to do.
Should I refuse and try and survive this alone? But what if he ends up piling more misery onto me? If I accept, at least I have someone to confide in. He needs information and data at the end of the day anyway. So, should I accept?
In the end, I couldn't make up my mind. I didn't want to be alone, but relying on someone like him was something I couldn't accept. Making such a crucial decision at such a crucial time was something I had never experienced. And doing it now was impossible.
Mom. Help me. Please. I don't know what to do anymore.
I thought to myself. Suddenly, I felt someone wrap their arms around me. The warmth was so familiar that I could never mistake it for anything else.
"Mom." I said, my voice breaking down.
"Sweetie, why do you worry so much, eh?" Her voice was as soothing as ever.
"I don't know what to do, mom. I don't know what I should choose. Why is life so hard?" I said whilst weeping.
"There, there, my baby. Why ya always gotta take things so seriously? Life ain't like that. Ya needa loosen up a bit."
"But I need an answer now, mom."
"You is a smart girl, you know. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Whatever you choose, you must believe from the bottom of your heart. No lies. And I know whatever you choose will always be right. You're my daughter at the end of the day. Don't forget that."
Hearing her voice brought me such comfort and joy that my mind was able to bring itself back together. I closed my eyes and thought of everything that had happened. Meeting Annabeth and Harold, the dreams, the conversations, everything. Looking through everything, I realised I was never alone for a single one of them. And even when the times were good or bad, I was never alone. I always had someone by my side, whether I knew it or not. I knew what I was going to choose.
"So, what is your answer, my dear Jolynn. Do you want to stay alone? Or will you finally accept me."
I could tell his voice was filled with eagerness. He was waiting for me to succumb to him. Even if he was a heartless monster. Even if he was my own captor. He was my only hope. My sole shining star. I stared into the speaker with tears in my eyes as I finally said what I wanted to.
"I...I...d...I don't want to be alone!"