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Chapter 104 - Chapter 103. The Hemorrhoid Gambit

"What the hell is that guy even doing…?"

Shikamaru watched his friend's antics from the stands, one eye twitching in a mix of secondhand embarrassment and sheer disbelief. "Announcing his… preferences… to a crowd this size? Does he have a death wish? A social death wish?"

Naruto shook his head, a weird blend of awe and horror on his face. "You know… I think I get how he won my mom over now. Takes some serious guts." He trailed off, then swiveled to face Sakura with an intensely earnest, almost constipated look of determination.

Sakura's reaction was instant and visceral. "Ugh, wipe that look off your face! It's disgusting!"

"He's certainly… commanding everyone's attention," Neji remarked, taking a sharp breath. He sounded almost impressed. "I suppose this is what they mean by the eccentricities of the strong?"

"Don't give him that much credit," Sasuke deadpanned, not even bothering to look away from the spectacle. "He's just having a public mental breakdown."

Sakura turned to her friends, her concern genuine. "Ino, Hinata… you guys okay over there?"

"I-I'm f-fine…" Hinata mumbled, her entire face the color of a ripe tomato. She looked about two seconds from fainting into her own lap.

"What's it to you? I'm perfectly fine!" Ino snapped, though a prominent vein was throbbing dangerously on her forehead, betraying her calm tone.

Sakura just sighed. "Yeah, because you both look totally fine."

*Up in the VIP Box*

"Truly an eye-opener," Orochimaru drawled, his voice slick with sarcasm. "Konoha never fails to produce such… unique talents."

Ōnoki, the Third Tsuchikage, couldn't resist piling on. "A fondness for women who've already had children… quite the distinctive taste for a prodigy."

"The preference itself isn't the issue," Yagura stated, his face an impassive mask. "The public announcement, however, is highly inappropriate."

All eyes subtly shifted to the Third Hokage. Sarutobi Hiruzen blinked slowly, as if just waking from a deep sleep, his expression the picture of pure, unadulterated confusion. "Hmm? What's all this? Did I miss something?"

It was a masterclass in political amnesia. The black mark to his reputation was undeniable, so the old man simply chose to not remember it.

Orochimaru's smirk widened. "Heh. The Hokage is certainly… protective of his chosen successor."

It was obvious to everyone now. This whole spectacle—the center stage, the big speech—was a clear setup to groom the kid for the Hokage seat. And after this disaster, Orochimaru would have paid good money to see the panic in the Konoha council tonight.

'A thing for moms?'

'Could a village really have a Hokage with that reputation?'

*Elsewhere in the Stadium*

Crack.

In a shadowed corner, Tsunade's knuckles made an alarming sound as she clenched her fists.

"Lady Tsunade, please calm down!" Shizune pleaded from the seat beside her, holding a nervously trembling pig. "Maybe… maybe Yuto was just making a really, really bad joke?"

"Does this look like a joking matter?!" Tsunade shot back, her voice a low growl. "What is wrong with him? Does he think this is funny?"

Down in the arena, Yuto seemed utterly unbothered by the tidal wave of whispers he'd unleashed. He just cleared his throat and carried on with his speech like nothing happened.

"—and so, we welcome you all! Chunin are the backbone of every great village! These exams, highly valued by our leadership, uphold the principles of fairness and justi—"

Swish.

The air behind him warped. One second it was empty, the next, a bizarre figure was there, a kunai driving straight for Yuto's back!

"Look out!" Mei Terumī, sitting in the front row, was on her feet in an instant, her shout cutting through the air.

Shhh-rip!

The kunai hit its mark—but instead of flesh, it met a burst of erupting water vapor.

Thump.

The attacker froze, stunned for a critical half-second. It was all Yuto needed. He spun, his foot connecting with the man's chest in a solid kick that sent him reeling. In the same fluid motion, Yuto's blade was out, its edge resting firmly against the assailant's throat.

The stadium erupted into chaos.

Hiruzen Sarutobi was on his feet instantly, his face thunderous as he stormed down to the security detail. "What is the meaning of this?! How did an assassin get into the arena?!"

"Our apologies, Hokage-sama! We didn't anticipate this!" The guards looked genuinely terrified. The breach was undeniable, and the blame landed squarely on them.

"Heh… heheh…" Even with a sword to his throat, the attacker let out a low, creepy chuckle. No fear. "So this is that illusion of yours, huh? The one you created… what was it called again?"

"Kyōka Suigetsu," Yuto replied, his voice so soft it was almost a whisper. "Mirror Flower, Water Moon."

As he spoke, a faint, imperceptible blue shimmer washed over the entire stadium. No one noticed a thing.

"You will die for this!" the attacker suddenly roared, tearing off his mask. Underneath, his head was covered in a grotesque, white, bone-like substance. "Lord Danzō! Lord Orochimaru! They will avenge me!"

Boom.

Before anyone could process the horrifying sight, the man exploded.

A stunned silence fell, then broke into a cacophony of gasps and shouts.

"What was that?!"

"His face…that wasn't human!"

"Everyone!" Hiruzen's voice boomed over the speakers, cutting through the panic. "The opening ceremony is concluded! Security will now sweep the venue! Please evacuate in an orderly fashion!"

The crowd, shaken and murmuring, began to file out under the guards' direction.

*Back in the VIP Box*

"Have Danzō and Orochimaru completely lost their minds?" Ōnoki muttered, stroking his beard. "An assassination attempt now?"

"Fools," Yagura stated, his evaluation short and final.

Orochimaru himself sat perfectly still, his face a constipated mask of pure, unadulterated annoyance.

'That wasn't one of my men! I don't even know that idiot!' he screamed internally, feeling utterly and profoundly framed.

*The Land of Waves Prison*

Danzō watched the live broadcast on the common room monitor, his face ashen. A muscle in his cheek twitched uncontrollably.

"Truly impressive, Lord Danzō," Kisame Hoshigaki's mocking voice came from a nearby cell. "Your men are certainly bold. Attacking the leader of the Land of Waves right in his own backyard?"

"That was not one of my operatives!" Danzō stated, his voice wooden. He wasn't about to show weakness, but he sure as hell wasn't taking the blame for this botched job either. If the guards decided to make his life miserable over this…

"Danzō." The voice was low, from the cell next to his. Obito's. "You want out of here?"

Danzō's eyes flickered. He kept his voice down. "What are you suggesting?"

"Get sent to the infirmary. They temporarily lift the chakra suppression seals there."

A spark of hope.

"Self-injury?" Danzō whispered back.

"That won't work. The cameras see everything." Obito's hand slipped between the bars, discreetly offering a few small, vibrantly red fruits. "But if you think you can handle it… try these."

Danzō stared at the innocent-looking little peppers. His stomach dropped. "What are those?"

"Sweet Wild Peppers. You've heard of them."

Gulp. Danzō's throat went dry. He'd heard of them, alright. They were legendary.

"Eat them," Obito's voice was a devil's whisper. "Then wait for your hemorrhoids to flare up enough to need medical attention. It's a gamble… but are you willing to take it?"

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