*A gloomy cave.*
Obito, wearing an orange mask with black swirls, paces back and forth on the stone steps, visibly agitated.
"Don't worry, Tobi~!" A particularly odd-looking White Zetsu at the base of the steps lets out a shrill laugh before speaking in a singsong voice. "I'm sure you'll be reunited with your beloved Rin soon!"
This White Zetsu was… unusual. Its entire face was twisted into a spiral pattern, and its body markings were completely different from the others—clearly the "elite mob" of the bunch.
This thing was Spiral Zetsu—or as it preferred to be called, "Tobi."
Unlike the standard White Zetsu clones, this one was personally crafted by Uchiha Madara using the Outer Path statue and Hashirama's cells. Stronger than the average Zetsu and far more… personable in personality.
Its intention was to comfort Obito, but alas—it had unwittingly kicked a hornet's nest. The masked man's gaze snaps toward it, and he lashes out:
"How many times do I have to tell you? Stop calling me that ridiculous name!"
"B-But…" Tobi wilts a little. That nickname had been its go-to since they first met.
"No buts!" Obito's voice is icy, his stance towering. "I'm not the same naive brat you used to know. Drop the cutesy act."
Tobi opens its mouth to protest, but Black Zetsu—slithering over the White Zetsu's body—stops it. "Just shut up. Until we see Rin's corpse, this guy's a walking powder keg."
'…Do we really have no friendship at all?'
Tobi falls silent, suddenly recalling the words of a certain White Zetsu clone that called itself "Agent 007."
[*"To Uchiha Madara, Obito, White Zetsu Prime, and Black Zetsu… we're just disposable tools. Even if we die for them, we won't get so much as a single tear."*]
At the time, Tobi hadn't thought much of it—just figured this "007" was an eccentric little guy with some interesting ideas.
But now, the truth hits like a sack of bricks.
'007 was right.'
Dejected, Tobi lowers its head and shuffles away.
Neither the Black nor White Zetsu pay it any mind. To them, Spiral-Face Tobi had always been the resident lunatic. Back when Madara was alive, this thing had nearly given the old man an aneurysm multiple times. Nothing it did was surprising anymore.
"Helloooo, everyone!"*
A White Zetsu's head suddenly pops out of the ground, grinning. "I'm back~!"
Obito's eyes light up. "Did you succeed?"
"Yep! Got two toads!" Agent 007 blurts out.
"…What?" Obito blinks.
"I-I mean, mission accomplished!" Agent 007 corrects itself, slowly emerging from the ground. "Rin's remains… are right here…"
It had never witnessed the power of "Kyōka Suigetsu" (Mirage of the Blossoming Moon), but it had bravely followed its new leader's orders anyway.
"RIN!"
Obito doesn't even process the words—he lunges forward and hugs the two fat, warty toads in 007's arms with bone-crushing force, nearly squeezing the life out of them.
Agent 007 freezes.
'Wait… I didn't even explain yet!'
It glances around. Not only Obito—even Black and White Zetsu are watching this unfold without batting an eye.
'Holy crap.'
'Is this what the boss meant by "everything is under control"?'
'This power is terrifying!'
…Well, almost everyone is fooled.
Spiral Zetsu "Tobi"—who hadn't attended the Akatsuki meeting where 'Kyōka Suigetsu' was activated—tilts its head in confusion.
'Since when was Rin a toad?'
"Uh… Tobi, are you sure—"
"I SAID DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Obito's Sharingan locks onto it, murderous intent radiating.
'…He'd actually kill me?'
'After everything?'
Well… Tobi had helped Madara deceive him back in the day. Maybe they were even.
Still.
This sucked.
This sucked way worse than that time Madara caught it peeking at him in the bathroom.
"I need time alone with Rin. We'll discuss the rest later." Obito coldly dismisses them, cradling the toads as he retreats deeper into the cave.
"Sure thing~" Black Zetsu chirps before vanishing into the earth.
Tobi sighs and turns to leave—only to see Agent 007 and a few other White Zetsu clones sneakily tailing Obito into the inner chamber.
Too lost in his "reunion," Obito doesn't notice. He gently places the toads on his bed and begins stroking their bumpy skin like a lovestruck fool.
"See this, boys?" Agent 007 whispers from underground, pointing smugly. "Our new boss is a god. Even the Mangekyō Sharingan is just a plaything to him!"
"True," one clone nods, then hesitates. "But… what about the health insurance and paid leave you mentioned?"
"Tch." Agent 007 reaches into its chest cavity and pulls out a brand-new pair of sunglasses. "Check it. Mission reward."
"GASP."
The other clones recoil in awe. Rewards? For them? It was unthinkable!
"And that's not all."
Agent 007 grins. "The boss said if you join, you get weekends off! When's the last time any of you had a break?"
"THOSE MONSTERS!" one clone wails. "Madara and Black Zetsu never cared about us! We're just tools to them!"
"Obito's no better!" another hisses. "I just asked him how humans fart, and he buried me in a potato field for a week!"
"Then let's defect!" the first clone declares.
"Not to me," Agent 007 corrects solemnly. "To our glorious leader! The beacon of hope for all shinobi!"
"Damn, 007," a clone murmurs. "You've gotten so cool."
"Read more. Study harder." Agent 007 pats its shoulder. "Be a Zetsu of substance—not like that deadbeat Prime. Oh, and the boss promised something else…"
It pauses dramatically.
"The best performer gets promoted to Toilet Guardian."
"…WHAT."
"TOILET GUARDIAN?!"
"YOU MEAN… WE GET TO STUDY HUMAN WASTE FULL-TIME?!"
The clones tremble with excitement.
"Hmph. Pathetic."
A cold voice cuts through the hype. The group turns to see Spiral Zetsu "Tobi" glaring down at them, arms crossed.
"You worms think you're worthy of such an honor? The Toilet Guardian title… belongs to ME."
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