As incredible as it sounds, by mid-December I didn't think about him that much, not even a single thought on my mind other than writing down a bucket list and goal plans for the next semester, filled with joy and excitement. College was my thing, my territory, my home. There wasn't a single soul who didn't know about my existence, not because I was popular in a regular way, but because I was everywhere with my very own club: Film Club. I also knew everyone through my sticker small business. I knew that in this new year, I would do more.
On January 14th, we got back to classes and I was ready to start. I even got some copies of "Come and join us!" flyers printed to paste somewhere around. There at my table, I was counting them one by one until a real gut-wrenching thing happened. Victoria came in a hurry as I was doing my thing and sat down, her worried face giving me a hint of what was coming. Livi came by after her and took me by the hands.
"Oh, well... Stailer is here. I can't believe it! Please help me get close to him."
I said nothing, and my eyes went straight to emptiness. My stomach got strained and my face went pale. I feared, I got scared. My whole world was being threatened by this guy. Everything that I was was on the line. I knew that he would change things around for obvious reasons, and I didn't even want to see him.
I got SILENCED.
For the rest of the class, I remained sitting by myself, with my eyes stuck to the floor, wondering why I felt this way. No one dared to talk to me, not even my dearest friend Vicky, who sat on the other side of the classroom during break. She couldn't do anything to help me anyway.
Of course, I had my biological needs, so I got up and intended to go to the bathroom. By the door, I saw him standing at the other side of the building, chatting and smiling, with a halo on his damn head. That son of... a really attractive being that I wished would've looked like Quasimodo, at least. I wasn't impressed, but angry. At that very moment, I decided I would hide for as long as I could.
My dad picked me up after college, a busy man with lots to do, who didn't mind his own daughter in the backseat with headphones on, the window open, her hair blowing through the air as she looked at the sunset. Young & Unafraid (The Moth & The Flame) kicked harder than it did on the long trip before. At least I had had a nice holiday to enjoy, with memories I could remember.
Sadly, this new uneasy feeling didn't go away. For the rest of the week, I'd just sit in the classroom, making origami shapes with care, pretending to listen to my friend's good ideas for our events. Of course, any thought could be processed; whatever feeling or responsibility came up was drowned out with more music, cookies, and big-ass hoodies. At the time, I really thought it was a thing of my period casually knocking at the door; fucking luteal phase. But yeah, probably just me trying to avoid.
That way, I basically didn't see him that much for some weeks. Of course, after a time, I realized that I was getting affected by someone I didn't know that much, and it was ridiculous to even think he would care about my existence in the same way. I mean, it was THE Steiler guy, whose surname I couldn't even remember at the moment.
"Bullshit," I said, and moved on with my hunger.
I got off the gap I had on and just walked to the cafeteria. I turned to the left and saw him going down the stairs, surprisingly in the company of a freshman girl (like him). He quickly ran to me, as if we were some kind of old, good friends.
"Hey, Maddie, it's you!" he said while giving me an unexpected hug.
I froze, with my facial expression on pause, completely caught off guard.
"Ah—hi," I said, without actually trying to hug him too.
"So good to see you," he continued.
I came to my senses and fixed my hair and clothes with an uncomfortable smile.
"Yeah, good to see you. Ahm, yeah. What—what are you doing here?... I thought you weren't interested in this college," I asked right away, confused, biting my lips and trying not to laugh out of whatever I was feeling.
"I never said that," he said with a smile, angelic, like those little messy angels who are half good, half bad.
I looked back at him, and everything else faded away. My unhinged feelings went off, and a cold chill ran through my spine. My expression, with a furrowed brow, said it all.
That wasn't what he had previously said. I remember it well. There was no way I had mistaken it, not even once.
What in the actual fuck was going on?
I smiled and nodded. Without any response, I cut the conversation and just started to awkwardly walk to the cafeteria. I felt like I was doomed, mainly because my senses were working as well as Spider-Man's, but instead of villains and dangers, it was just this weird guy that I had only met once in my life.
"Gaslighting, that's it!" I heard my good friend Karl say.
"And I bet there's more than you think you know," Vicki added.
I rolled my eyes and sighed, ignoring them both with their new conspiracy theory.
"Yassss. My friend, who is good friends with Savannah, the friend of the best friend of Steiler, said she heard him say that he didn't even believe in Psychology... like, you hear me?"
I paused the movie and sighed even harder.
"Yeah, Karl, of course the friend of the friend knows better," I said with discomfort.
Nothing bothered me more than that pair when it came to gossip, but I had to admit that this new information started to grow doubt in me.
Stupid thoughts, stupid him.
There was something about how quick this was, how short time felt, and something about the level of familiarity it seemed to have. I only had one question on my mind:
"Why do I feel this way?"