I been having dreams of running and monsters chasing me since I was a child. I use to see faces coming out of the walls - I was like four years old. The older I got the worse the dreams got. I no longer had dreams per say, I would just feel sensations. I would feel what felt like tallons digging in my organs. I would feel beings weighing and holding me down. Things would suffocate me. I'm just now realizing that only after I'd wake up from these nightmares my mother would say with a big gleaming smile "So how did you sleep" my brother would always narrow in his squinting eyes to me and have this venomous smirk. I never did the correlation. It was too far fetched.
"Didn't I tell you to clean up this fucking room?!" She'd yell at me while I was cleaning up. "You didn't tell me anything, I literally just took it upon myself to do so" "Bitch, are you arguing with me?" My 14 year old self completely confused. "No?.." questioning my own answer because in my mind I was just telling the truth" my brother Luke conveniently walking past shaking his head at me and lowly saying "Yo son don't argue back". Now don't get it confused, he's not trying to keep the peace. That's just what he's trying to make it seem like. What he's actually saying is Let mommy verbally abuse you and set you up to make you seem like you're being argumentative and disrespectful so she has a pretend excuse to beat yo ass, in which case right afterward I'm going to rub it in your face, tease you and shame you and act like you deserved it and it was your fault because that makes me feel better about who I am. Then I'm going to tell the entire family what happened and act like your the problem child, and if you even think of standing up to me I'm going to abuse you even worse than I already do. I don't care if I previously molested you, never acknowledged it and never apologized. Im your victim not the other way around. Yeah, I'm 20 years old and fresh out of jail on a four year bid fit robbing people.. But so what you're the major issue not me.
He didn't actually start speaking to me that way until a few years later, but back then his actions were so loud, they were almost deafening. He was low key putting the battery in her back. How are you going to tell the teenage daughter of a toxic and dysfunctional blackwoman don't argue back? That's a cruel black man trying get a young black girls ass whipped.
"Im doing it, ma" just surrender, let them have it. They'll torture you if you tell the truth and stand up for your self. Just agree. Save your self now, so you can be free later. "Doing what?" "Cleaning up my room" she walked away with a smile on her face. "I swear man ya'll are some of the worse fucking kids, don't do nothing I ask you to do. Just fucking selfish" says the woman who takes my father's entire social security check to pay for her daughter's boyfriend to go to private school. Mean while I'm still wearing the same pair of jeans she bleached on purpose to spite me 2 years ago. "God please help me, save me from my family. Release my from their grips" I said in the lowest whisper i could muster. knock knock knock "yeah!!" "Yo son open the door!" My brother Luke demanded in a aggravated tone" not gonna lie I'm scared, I don't know if he's gonna yell at me, tease me to hurt me or try to find a reason to hit me. I open the door. "What Luke?" His chin low to the ground, with his eyes tilting up at me, a sarcastic smirk - just ready to fuck with me "Yo son. You be praying to God about us?" How did he know I just prayed I whispered it so low. "Nah.. I didn't, I don't do that" "Oh no she not praying against us when she's the fucking enemy" my mother screamed from the living room. "God wouldn't answer you're prayers anyway you lie too fucking much. That statement hurt but little did I know there was too much truth in it. I had to lie to protect myself from their wrath, but it kept me in sin. Creating an opened door for their "craft" to work against me.
My mother's boyfriend Bobby came in and knew by their body language alone what was going on. He then started trying to deescalate the situation. Clapping his hands saying "Alright ya'll 'nuff of the bullshit" my mother scowling at me with her boyfriend dancing with his arms out in front of her to make her laugh "Talking back to me and fucking with me, I'll beat your ass" her boyfriend was completely ignoring what she was saying to me while kissing her all on her face. He wasn't standing up for me or calming her down. He was high off coke and wanted to stay in a feel good mood, otherwise he would've joined in too. I was use to this, I just walked away. Luke was walking behind me just to bother me and say one more slick ass thing - Just to bait me. "Yo son! Bill saved you." I ignored him. My mother followed me into the kitchen, "See that, that's my man" pointing at Billy, like I'm supposed to give a damn. "He just saved your ass, I'ma do you a favor and let you have cause I want my man to be happy and I want to be happy too and ain't nobody in this mother fucking house gonna' let you ruin that. I won't let you steal my peace, bitch." Billy came in. "Come on Lois, kill that shit - dance with me"
The funny thing is I didn't talk to them, about anything. Literally nothing at all. I use to stay in my room. It was my sanctuary. They didn't know me. They didn't know my heart, my spirit, my personality or my character. They only knew the stories they made up about me. And what was worse they believed those lies. They only knew my responses, reactions and retaliations and perceived I was guilty because there actually were none and only a guilty person wouldn't fight back. I was a child and if I didn't submit i was disobedient and a disobedient child's abuse was way worse than her regular normal abuse. More sadistic, sinister and others always joined in. A gang of adults against a 14 yearold girl that hardly ever left the house. No one questioned this treatment.