Lin Feng muttered under his breath as he checked the remaining supplies. "Great. ESI just fuckin' drops me in the middle of radioactive buttfuck nowhere..."
DING.
A soft chime rang in his ear.
"Did someone miss me already~?"
Lin flinched.
"GAH—!"
Right beside him, ESI materialized mid-air in full smug holographic glory. Twin blue ponytails sparkled with data trails, her pleated cyber-mini skirt flipping from her spin as she landed in a seated hover next to the stacked crates, kicking her boots lazily in the air like she was on a swing.
"Don't scream, dipshit. You literally just said my name."
Yue paused mid-carry, glancing back. "Captain, are you injured?"
Sierra tilted her head. "Who the hell you talking to, pretty boy?"
Lin froze. His neck flushed pink.
"N-no one! I mean—uh—I was just talking to myself! I do that sometimes! It's a totally normal stress coping mechanism!"
Celestine stared at him blankly, eyes glowing ever so slightly. "You addressed a name that has not been spoken aloud before."
Yuzuki gasped. "Producer-sama... are you possessed~?!"
Lin looked back at ESI, who was floating with her arms behind her head and a shiteating grin plastered across her teenage anime face.
He whispered, "You gotta be kidding me. They can't see you?"
She shook her head proudly. "Nope. Only you get to see this premium package. Congratulations, Lin Feng — you officially look like a schizophrenic pervert."
"Oh great," he muttered. "Now my waifus think I'm insane."
Yue narrowed her eyes slightly. "Vitals appear to be stable, but mental stress readings may be spiking..."
"Gosh fucking dammit," Lin hissed, then quickly ducked behind one of the larger supply crates and whispered, "How do I turn you off?"
ESI floated down to eye level, now inches from his face.
"Ohhhh, someone's shy~? You didn't mind groping my core back in the river."
"That was the orb, and I didn't grope it! I was trying to survive!" he hissed.
She stuck her tongue out. "You're stuck with me, dumbass. But I'll give you temporary silence mode if you stop whining. First, though—since this is the first time you opened your menu—we need to go over the basics."
Lin looked around. "What menu—"
BEEP.
A holographic screen appeared in front of him, semi-transparent and curved like a VR HUD. It hovered mid-air, labeled with tabs in English and stylized kanji: [STATS] | [QUESTS] | [PARTY] | [SKILLS]
"Welcome to the Eros Survival Interface, version 1.0.69," ESI announced with mock enthusiasm. "Now let's take a look at your sorry stats."
The screen shifted to the STATS tab.
🧍♂️ LIN FENG – LEVEL 1
EXP: 0 / 100
Power level: F tier (total power level: 86)
Strength5. Barely above noodle arm
Agility5. Trips over nothing
Stamina5. Cries after 1 push-up
Speed20. Above average (for running away)
Defense1. Paper-thin. Sneezes cause damage.
Health50. Technically alive
Health Regen0.5 HP/hr. Laughably slow
Stamina Regen0.5/hr. Hope you like napping
Libido1 min. Tragic.
Size5 cm🤡
Lin stared in horror. "What the fuck is this?! Why is my size on here?!"
"You mean your dick stat?" ESI said sweetly. "The system monitors everything. Even your... underwhelming equipment."
He smacked the side of the screen. "How do I increase it?!"
"You'll unlock enhancement quests later," she said, snickering. "One inch per emotional breakthrough~"
Lin buried his face in his hands. "Kill me."
"Anyway," she went on, completely ignoring his despair, "as you complete quests, you'll gain EXP. Leveling up lets you select one of three random perks from the system's gacha pool. Each is generated based on your situation, party dynamics, and—hehe—personal degeneracy profile."
"Degeneracy what?"
She winked. "You heard me."
The screen flicked to the QUESTS tab.
🔥 CURRENT QUESTS:
[Daily] Compliment one party member sincerely (0/1)
Reward: +10 EXP, +2 Affection
[Main] Establish First Camp
Reward: +50 EXP, Unlock [Base Development Menu]
[Hidden] Touch a boob by accident
Reward: +??? EXP, ????
Lin's mouth dropped open. "You're serious?"
ESI shrugged. "This system's powered by survival... and horny emotional instability. That means you."
"And if I don't complete a quest?" he asked slowly.
Her grin vanished. The air turned colder.
"You fail... you get penalized."
The screen glitched slightly, displaying RED TEXT under the quest list.
⚠️ QUEST FAILURE CONSEQUENCES:
[Stat Debuffs]
[Public Embarrassment Events]
[Waifu Affection Loss]
[Forced Humiliation Tasks]
[Rogue Enemy Spawns]
["Horny Curse" – No relief for 72 hours]
Lin stared at the screen. "What the actual fuck—"
"You wanted an isekai," ESI said, smirking. "You got one. Welcome to the grind, virgin boy."
The holographic screen flickered again, and a new SYSTEM QUEST appeared in glowing red text above Lin's head.
⚠️ QUEST UPDATE:
[Main] Kill One Mutant Wolf
Time Limit: 7 Days
Reward: +100 EXP, Random Gacha Perk Unlock
Failure Consequence: [Bloodscent Tag] – Attracts nearby predators for 72 hours
"What the hell is a Bloodscent Tag?" Lin muttered, reading the punishment.
ESI floated beside him, reclining in midair like a smug anime fairy. "It means your failure will literally make you smell like lunch meat. Mutants love that."
Lin turned pale. "I just got here. I'm supposed to kill a mutant wolf?! Do I even count as armed?!"
"You have a crowbar and crippling anxiety," ESI said sweetly. "Use them wisely."
He groaned. "How do I turn you off?"
"Say the magic word."
"What?"
"'Dismiss.' Duh."
Lin sighed and whispered, "Dismiss."
With a shimmer of blue static, ESI vanished.
Right as Sierra's voice called from behind the crates, "Alright, seriously—who the fuck were you talking to back there?"
Lin flinched.
He stood up slowly, brushing dust from his knees, then turned to face the four girls, all of whom were watching him with varying degrees of suspicion and concern.
Yue had her arms crossed. "We detected elevated vocal activity. You were clearly conversing with someone."
Yuzuki tilted her head. "Was it, like, a spirit friend? Like in those ghost dating shows~?"
Celestine blinked once. "You opened your mouth and the stars trembled. That is... not normal."
Lin's mouth worked uselessly for a second before he stammered out, "I-I was just... mumbling! T-to myself. I do that sometimes. I mean, don't you guys ever talk to yourselves? Just to, like, think out loud? Heh..."
They didn't look convinced.
"I'm not crazy," he added. "P-promise."
Sierra raised an eyebrow, lips twitching. "Didn't say you were, sugar. But if you start yelling at air again, we're sedating you."
Yue nodded. "Noted."
Yuzuki raised her hand. "Umm~! So like... what do we do now, Producer-sama?"
Lin blinked. The sudden pressure of four pairs of eyes made his brain freeze.
What did they do next?
He cleared his throat and tried to puff his chest out — only to immediately second-guess it and lower his shoulders like a scolded turtle. "W-well... uh..."
He glanced out at the endless scorched wasteland stretching in all directions. The cracked earth shimmered under the late afternoon sun. Jagged rebar jutted out of ruined concrete. Muted plumes of smoke curled in the distance. Not a single bird, not a single road sign. Just desolation.
Lin pointed vaguely to the horizon.
"First thing's first. We—we need to secure a vehicle. Something with storage space. Wheels. Uh... armor would be good too. So we're not just wandering around like—like a naked guy in a sawblade forest."
"Logical," Yue said. "Increased mobility improves survival chance."
Lin nodded a little too fast. "Y-yeah! Exactly! Mobility!"
He looked at the other crates. "And even though we have a decent amount of food... we need to find more. Stuff that won't rot in a week. And, uh... maybe meds. Bandages. Antibiotics. Whatever passes for first aid in Mad Max hell."
Celestine bowed her head. "A pilgrimage for tools of survival. Sacred work."
"Sure. Yeah," Lin muttered. "Let's call it that."
Yuzuki clapped her hands excitedly. "Scavenging adventure~! I can sing a song about it!"
Sierra rolled her eyes. "I'm bringing earplugs."
Lin felt the nerves in his spine finally loosen. They were going along with him. Holy shit—they were listening to him.
"I, uh... I guess I'm technically your captain now," he said softly. "So, um... I'll try my best not to screw that up."
Yuzuki beamed at him like he just proposed.
Celestine gave a cryptic smile. "You have already walked the first step."
Sierra stretched and cracked her knuckles. "Alright then, Cap. Which direction we heading?"
Lin paused.
He looked at the sun, then at the distant plumes of smoke.
And pointed toward the one that looked like it came from a collapsed building — the kind that might've once been a gas station or supply depot.
"West," he said, surprising even himself.
"Let's head west."
"Understood," Yue said.
Sierra loaded her rifle with a sharp click.
Celestine brushed dust from her robes.
Yuzuki bounced in place like a caffeinated schoolgirl.
Lin took a deep breath.
Seven days to kill a mutant wolf.
Four girls looking at him like he mattered.
Zero experience. Zero plan. One working crowbar.
This was gonna be the worst or best week of his life.
Possibly both.
Q: Would you want an Esi system? ; p