I think the suspicion started to take root on Nagisa's birthday. But I denied that suspicion, ignored it.
There were a few reasons. In truth, most of them were flimsy excuses.
The only truly significant reason was the fact that I was a complete stranger, merely wearing Mika's face.
Nagisa was the only one who had truly cared for and cherished Misono Mika. The followers from Pater who revered her, looked up to her, and followed her around like set dressing were different from the students of the Filius or Sanctus factions. If the kind-hearted Nagisa had ended up in the same situation as the original Mika, the Filius students would have genuinely helped her get back on her feet.
This isn't to say it's a simple matter of fair-weather friends. Mika never truly opened up to the Pater students, and Pater, in turn, saw Mika as little more than a figurehead who shared their hatred of Gehenna. In reality, there was no room for any genuine connection to form.
As for Seia, their relationship was closer to that of frenemies; it would be a stretch to say she cherished Mika. In the original story, it was only after the events of the Eden Treaty that Seia began to truly see Mika for who she was. And Mika… come to think of it, her attitude toward Seia didn't change much even after that.
In any case, not long after I arrived in this body, Seia herself told me that she found me easier to get along with than the original Mika, the one from before she lost her memories. So that much is a verified fact. I, at least, don't start conversations with words that sound like a challenge.
But for Nagisa, Mika was a truly precious friend. The bond of childhood friendship, the time they had known each other, had woven a thread that tied them together.
But I was the one who had cut that thread, who had suddenly taken the place of her precious friend one day. And then, I played the part of an amnesiac, brazenly living a life of lies.
How did it happen? And what happened to the real Mika?
The intermediate process is something my knowledge can neither uncover nor explain. What matters is the result: I possessed Mika's body.
It was a choice I was forced into. But just because it was unavoidable doesn't mean the guilt simply vanishes. That's why I swore to become the best, most precious friend Nagisa could ever have. I was determined to work hard so that, even if I revealed the whole truth one day, our relationship wouldn't be destroyed.
"I love you more than anyone else… I thought that if either of us were to find that one special person, it would surely be each other… that it had to be each other…"
But now, I'm starting to think that perhaps my choice was wrong.
If only I had revealed the truth from the very beginning. If only I had confessed before I myself was crushed under the weight of my lies and guilt.
"But why… why am I now just one of many people who happen to love you…? It's strange. I'm your one and only childhoo— Right. We're not that anymore, are we."
Then I wouldn't have to tell this delicate girl that the person she holds in her heart is a fake, built on a foundation of lies.
"Nagi-chan…"
Right now, Nagisa's gaze, so full of anxiety it looks like it could shatter at any moment, is too much to bear. It's so frightening that I almost want to just reject her feelings and continue living in my comfortable lie.
But I know now that simply running away won't solve anything. More accurately, it's a truth I've always known, but can no longer ignore.
"No, Nagisa…"
If I look away from those eyes, Nagisa will be deeply hurt. So I won't look away.
It's time for me to stop hiding my sins behind lies and face them with the truth. I have to deal with the consequences of the first karma I accrued since arriving in this body.
"I have sinned greatly against you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you go through this. What I'm about to tell you will likely be shocking, painful to hear, and infuriating. It's something I should have told you long ago, but because I'm a coward, I'm only telling you now. I'm a pathetic sight, aren't I?"
"…What are you talking about? Mika-san, if you're simply trying to say you can't accept my feelings, you can just say so. Why are you trying to frighten me like this…?"
I just want to close my eyes. But I can't, so I cling to the warmth of those hazel eyes and do what must be done.
I never thought things would explode so suddenly. It would have been nice if I could have prepared myself, maybe done a rehearsal in the form of a confession at the cathedral. But it seems I wasn't going to be afforded such a convenient opportunity.
"Nagisa, the person standing before you… I never actually lost my memory."
"…What?"
"The day I 'lost my memories'… no. The day you and I first met… when I told you I had lost my memories, it was all a lie. I never lost any memories to begin with."
The person in front of you is not Misono Mika, Nagisa.
I finally pushed up the visor of the helmet of lies that had protected me for months. Beneath it, I revealed my ugly, true face—the face of a mere coward hiding under the pretense of truth.
"…That's not a funny joke, Mika-san. If you're not Mika-san, then who are you?"
Naturally, Nagisa didn't understand me right away. How could she, without any further explanation? Only someone like Seia, who had seen something more, could have possibly understood.
"I am a complete stranger who drifted in from outside Kivotos and took over Misono Mika's body. Amnesia? There were never any memories to lose in the first place. In other words, I have been hiding that fact and pretending to be the owner of this body, deceiving you this entire time."
"…"
The cold truth that came from my lips wounded Nagisa. Her eyes showed me that it wasn't enough to wound her; it was twisting the knife. The realization that the time we had spent together was built on nothing but lies came crashing down on her like an avalanche.
I felt Nagisa, her eyes squeezed shut, try to pull her hand from my grasp. But I had no intention of letting her. I couldn't let her. I have a duty to reveal the whole truth right here and to deal with the aftermath.
"…I can't believe it. Yes. They are completely unbelievable, illogical words. The person I have known was someone who would choose to speak sincerely rather than lie, and yet to think all of that was built upon a massive lie… a tower with a flawed premise from the very start."
"It may be hard to believe, but everything I just said is the truth."
"Is that so? If what you're saying is true, then where is the real Mika-san now?"
When I didn't let go of her hand, Nagisa opened her eyes again, her gaze now a degree colder. And yet, I could see the conflict and confusion warring within her.
"…That, I don't know. I have no idea why I, who was living a perfectly normal life, was dragged here to wake up in this body. Whether the real Mika is dead or alive, whether she still remains somewhere in this body, or if she has vanished completely… I don't know any of it."
"Is that so? You must have been pleased. When I told you I considered you a more precious and closer friend than the real Mika-san, what were you thinking? Were you perhaps laughing at me?"
"No, that's not it. I never thought that. If anything, all I could think was that I wished you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I didn't want you to hate me, Nagisa. I was scared of you hating me. In this unfamiliar place, forced to live in a stranger's body, you were the only person in the entire world I could truly rely on."
"If that's the case, then you should have just been honest from the beginning. You shouldn't have waited until one misunderstanding led to another, and another, and another, until they formed a mountain. You, of all people, couldn't have been unaware that doing so would be cruel to us both, right? Since you're an adult."
…How in the world did she know that? Did I let it slip somewhere? I don't think I did.
"Why do you look so surprised? If you're not the real Mika-san, then it explains why you suddenly became so mature after supposedly just losing your memory. It also explains your newfound idealistic nature, and the sense of disconnect I felt in the way you paved the path toward that dream. Am I wrong?"
"…Well, you're right about that."
"That's all that matters. It's not the most important part of this issue anyway."
Nagisa holstered the pistol she was still holding and raised her hand. For a moment, I tensed, thinking I was about to get slapped, but contrary to my expectations, Nagisa only cupped my cheek gently.
What is this? For some reason, it feels like Nagisa is taking this surprisingly well…
"A way to return things to how they were… you probably don't know, do you? You would have no reason not to have done so by now if you did."
"Yeah, well. I don't know of any such method, and I gave up on returning a long time ago. As for why I didn't tell you sooner… I can only say that I was just too confused at the time."
"…I see. Then, can you tell me your real name?"
At her question, I started to say my name but stopped. After a moment, I changed my mind and shook my head.
"No. If I say it, I think I'll just be reminded of everything I've lost. I'm worried I'll just start wanting to go back to where I came from again. So I won't tell you my name."
"Hah… This is difficult. Truly. I want to hate you for deceiving and manipulating me all this time, but I can't. When I hear you say you'll continue to live as 'Mika,' I can't help but feel happy. You terrible person."
"…I'm sorry."
"That's enough, please don't apologize anymore. Neither you nor I wanted to be in this situation, did we?"
Nagisa pulled her other hand, which was still held by mine, free and brought it up to my other cheek.
"At this rate, I can't even ask to start over from the beginning. Even if they were built on a lie, all the memories we've made… every single one of them is precious."
"Nagisa…"
"Call me what you usually do. It suits you better."
Uh… does this mean it went over better than I expected? I was expecting something a little more… dramatic, with shouting and maybe a slap or two.
"Then, can I just call you Nagi-chan…?"
"Did you ever ask for permission before? Forget about such trivial things and listen carefully."
"…Okay."
"I understand that you are not the real Mika-san. And to be perfectly honest, I was angry with you, and that anger hasn't completely subsided. I mean, you deceived me for nearly four months. How could I not be angry?"
I listened to Nagisa in silence. What more could I possibly say in this situation? At best, I could only apologize, but Nagisa had already told me to stop.
"However, in all the time I have known you, there has never been a single day I wasn't happy… except for the days you made me worry. The big and small things we did together, the things you did for me… all of it is so, so precious to me."
Tears welled up in those warm, gentle hazel eyes. In that moment, the last thing I wanted was to see her cry, so I raised a hand and wiped her tears away.
"…If I must, I can say it as many times as it takes. I, Kirifuji Nagisa, love you so much that I cannot even begin to imagine a world without you. Even now that I know the truth, that feeling remains unchanged."
As passersby began to gather again to gawk at the scene of the accident, it felt as though the two of us were in a world of our own. The surrounding noise faded to a distant murmur. It was a strange feeling.
"Whether you are Mika-san or not no longer matters. You are not the one who took my childhood friend away, and the fact that you ended up in that body is not something to be blamed on anyone. It is, so to speak, like a natural disaster, something that was beyond our control, is it not?"
"If you put it that way, I guess so…"
"I want to make this clear. The person I fell in love with was you. I didn't fall in love with you because you were borrowing Mika's body. Although the opportunity arose because you came to be in that body, the reason my heart was drawn to you is unrelated to that. In other words…"
No matter what form our meeting had taken, I would have fallen in love with you all the same.
As she spoke, Nagisa slowly closed the physical distance between us, but I was too busy mulling over her words to notice.
I am fated to continue living as Misono Mika. And yet, in the midst of that, someone has appeared who is willing to see me as my own person.
In this moment, Nagisa, who had so easily overcome the wound I had inflicted, had just declared that she would be my one and only true confidant.
"If you cannot accept my feelings, you may push me away."
The distance between us had closed until the tips of our noses were touching.
"If you do not push me away…"
Our breaths mingled in the air.
"…am I to believe that you feel the same way I do?"
And finally, the distance between us closed completely. Nagisa conveyed her feelings without hesitation, and I did not reject them.
It was, so to speak, a process of confirming our feelings for each other, a process of redefining our relationship anew.
Thanks to Nagisa, who looked at me for who I truly am even after I told her the truth, I was able to let go of the guilt that had been tormenting me for so long. On top of that, I now had a loving partner. Could there be a happier day than this?
"Hey, Nagi-chan? You don't have to be so formal."
"What? But…"
"I'd rather you just call me what you always have. Yeah, that's better."
"Is that so? Very well, Mika-san. And… thank you."
I know that not all the storms have passed.
But for this moment, at least, I decided to surrender myself to the happiness before me.