I sat at the dining table, the wood beneath me ice-cold. The silence clung to the walls, thick and watchful. I had turned the house into a stage. Every detail, every memory—painfully curated. You'd walk into it, just like I knew you would. You always answered the calls that should have stayed unanswered.
It was funny, you had been the one to bring me into the world, and now I would be the one to drag you, kicking and flailing, out of it.
The foyer was still empty. I smiled.
But today was the day, if you came or not, I was still executing my plan. It was time, after all you had done to me, to Ryuzen, to Myuki. This would be my final act of revenge, this is what you deserve.
Recalling the final things you said to me before I left "Would you mind?", my resolve hardened.
The door creaked open.
And you, broken, shattered, stepped inside.
Good.
Simply knowing what you had done to all of us shattered you. That was everything you deserved.
Your quiet steps came closer and closer.
"Hello Eiko."
Eiko felt right, you were no longer my mother. You hadn't been for a long, long while.
I could see the hesitation in your eyes, the wanting to go right back out that door.
Disgusting.
How could you feel such a thing, so caught up in saving your own life that you could hardly even face what was coming to you after you had wrecked so many others? How could you even call yourself a mother?
You were everything that was wrong with my life. You were everything that was wrong with Miyuki's
Miyuki.
No, don't think about her.
But, I could feel the thought summoning Ryuzen.
'Go back'
'This is my body now'
I shoved him down with an internal hand.
This was my moment.
"Hello Kyoki."
Trying to not care that your voice still held the warmth it once did, I hopped off the table. I didn't care if you changed, what you had done was unforgivable.
"I've been waiting."
But, I did care, or rather Ryuzen did. But, I had conquered him long ago, Ryuzen was the past, I was the present.
My steps were long, trying to not show the internal conflict that raged within my head. I looked up, it was that painting, the one of the sea, calm and pristine. How ironic.
"Do you remember what happened here?"
I watched as you shook, trying to forget.
You were still stuck doing that. Couldn't you see? This was not to forget, but to remember. This was why, why I had to do such a thing. Because you could never, you were never capable of remembering.
"This is where you and dad had your first 'disagreement'. This is where the unraveling of Ryuzen's life began. He was scared, you know," Speaking of Ryuzen always was painful, like dust, he wasn't me anymore, that was just the past.
I watched as your eyes widened, it was so, so interesting, like watching a rat run through a maze.
You were nothing more than a rat.
"Look– I'm sorry. If you brought me here to kill me, just do it."
So, so angry. That was not right, you did not deserve to ask when to die. I would do that on my own accord, when I felt the time was right.
In the meantime, I would spend my time tormenting you however I pleased. This was for me, not for you.
Narrowing my eyes, I would answer, "But where would the fun be in that?"
It was so obvious as you realized that there was no recovering from this. I watched the shock flash across your face, how quickly your brain reached its conclusion: There was no Ryuzen left, only Kyoki.
So satisfying, it was, watching you, watching you decide that you would die, but not know when. Watching the fear as you realize it could come at any moment.
You had really known when you read my journal, my entries carefully curated to break you. But I know you, I know you well. You would have lied to yourself, telling yourself that there was still a little Ryuzen harbored within me.
But there wasn't.
I could feel him, call out.
No.
NO.
'Ryuzen, go back. You are Kyoki now.'
"I'm so sorry."
No you aren't.
"I didn't know–"
You should've opened your eyes.
"I DIDN'T KNOW."
Denial isn't good for a person, it breaks them.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT."
Everything was your fault.
Miyuki's death.
Ryuzen's death
My shattering into two.
Your own despair.
You were the problem, and always had been. You could never accept that, could never take accountability for what you did.
I felt a wave of pure rage rise within my body, but no, I suppressed it. Now was not the time to screw up everything I had worked so hard for with emotion. I needed to calm myself. Calm my heart that was beating all too fast.
Looking down at you, I felt so, so much satisfaction.
I had the power here.
"This is where the first thread of your connection to us snapped. You like to think that it was all the divorce, that's what ruined you, but it had been coming for a long, long time."
You sobbed, sobbed, like a little kid. Miyuki and I never got the chance to be one.
Covering your eyes, you hid from the world from your shame. I had hid for too long, and Miyuki, Miyuki. She never left her hiding. This was time for me, for us, to get our revenge.
"Eiko, do you know? Do you know how much you hurt him? How much you hurt her?"
The pain, the denial that flashed across your face, you would never understand, would you?
"I DIDN'T KNOW. IT'S NOT MY FAULT."
This was the problem with you. You could never take accountability for your actions, lost in your own shattered fake reality that was constructed out of your own imagination. Such a terrible thing to do to yourself, to your children, to your family. I'm sure that you know that now, wherever you are.
I could see your reality crumble in real time, watch the panic as the walls doubled back on you, crushing you.
Now, now was time to bring it all in, for you to see how you are the villain of our story.
Striding down towards the sink, I stopped, smiling, knowing what I was about to say would fully destroy you.
"Do you remember the sink? Do you remember when you got mad at us and threw plates onto the ground? Or did you choose to forget that too?"
You gazed down at your fingers.
I knew you hadn't remembered. Of course, like everything else, you had buried it deep, trying to hide what you could not. But now, it was all coming back, wasn't it? You could see, you could finally see through the mist that you had brought upon yourself.
Giving you a second, I waited. I needed to hit every note just right for my plan to work. I needed to give you time to absorb.
It was in that moment, where I could see your sanity shatter.
I could tell not by your posture, but by your eyes. I could see the resolve within them dissolve, like sugar in water. You had broken my sanity, so, so long ago, and now, yours was gone.
'Mom, I miss you'
'Quiet Ryuzen, she's gone, can't you see? She shattered.'
Hearing Ryuzen's cry, the way he reached out to her, I continued on, knowing she would follow. I had to continue, or I would break too.
I guided you carefully to my room, the old door which I remembered so well.
My hand brushed the window sill in the way Ryuzen had always done.
Stop.
Stop.
STOP.
I am not Ryuzen Yamashita.
I am Kyoki Akumoto.
But, not that did not work. I became Ryuzen, if only for a moment, "He used to wonder if you'd come in. If you even knew he was still awake."
I am Kyoki Akumoto– not Ryuzen Yamashita.
My voice was my own once more, "But you never did, did you?"
When your sanity splintered, you had not been able to keep your denial. I could watch it crumble, and it was so satisfying.
This is for you, Miyuki.
Are you proud of me?
I almost didn't hear your quiet gasp, but I took it as a sign.
Now, I would show you where Miyuki shattered.
'I miss her'
'Me too, Ryuzen.'
Guiding her to the sliding door, I almost broke out crying. It hurt, it hurt so much. This was something that should never have been shared with Eiko. This was Miyuki's secret, the vulnerable side that Eiko never deserved to see, but it must be done.
I'm sorry Miyuki.
There we were, the door that Miyuki looked out through every night, like how a prisoner longingly looks out of his cell. But her, her cell was her life, the terrible one which she was forced to endure. She didn't think that I knew, but I did.
Now though, the grass had grown long, and that little windchime that had given us hope– it had rusted over, it would no longer sing its sweet melody of promise.
I wasn't really there, I was with Miyuki, wherever she was.
"She used to gaze out," Kyoki murmured, gazing at something you couldn't see, "Miyuki. After she put Ryuzen to bed. Just– sat here. Didn't go out, never tried. Just stared through the mesh, like she was waiting for the night to take her, take her from her tormented life."
I turned to face Eiko, that monster that had made this all happen. This was all her fault, she had done this to me. Something cracked in my voice– not quite Ryuzen, not quite Kyoki. Just pain. "You always thought she was fine, because she was good. She didn't scream her hurt to the world. But, she was already giving up on it, every night. Until, the world gave up on her."
My eyes welled with tears, these memories were so painful.
'Miyuki.'
I could hear Ryuzen calling out in my ears, and it broke me.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm so, so sorry."
"It was all me, it was never you, was it?"
Eiko's apology was all too late, but finally she could see through her own delusions.
'Mom?'
'Ryuzen, she is not your mom. She is a monster.'
'She's sorry.'
'No she is not. She's just broken.'
I looked at Eiko with no remorse as she crumpled to the ground.
I left you there, mangled and shattered, not out of mercy— there was none left. I left you because the next time I return, it will not be as Ryuzen.
It will be as the consequence you never outran.
You said, "Would you mind?"
I didn't answer then.
But now?
Yes. I mind. And now, you're going to pay for it.