I had always wanted to know what memories you recalled of Ryuzen. Which way you painted his childhood. Did you show the pain, or rather the light that shone through on occasion, before Kazuki went rotten and when you and Ryuzen and all of them were young, and the future still bright. That's the problem when you choose to forget, you get rid of all the bad, but you lose the good as well. Maybe I should have taken that into consideration before I began my plan.
You were sitting by the door, lost in thought, when you saw a small envelope slip underneath. There were no footsteps in the hallway or even a breath of sound, almost as if nobody had ever been there. Glancing at the envelope, you decided to take it, already knowing what would be inside.
When you finally had it and were sitting by the dining table, you decided to read it, knowing that its hints would be helpful, even if you still hadn't finished acting on the ones from the previous letter– those were another issue, one which would be addressed much later.
Eiko, I'm still waiting for you. Maybe, I thought if you could remember Ryuzen, if you could remember how things were it would help you. I don't think rather, I know. Do you know? Do you know how Ryuzen felt when he was with you? I sure do, he's been telling me all about you, he's broken, and he'll shatter soon if you don't come.
I need you to visit the beach. You know the one. There's a little bench with markings, sit there and gaze over the water. Then, you should visit the park, the quiet one with the little wildflowers dotting the hill, the one where you used to sit before your little perfect life fell apart. And, then the home, the small blue one on the hill with a neat garden and white flower box. Although, I doubt it will still be so pristine, nobody has lived there for years, nine to be exact.
Maybe, once you visit, you will know who I am. Or at least, you might recall who Ryuzen was before he broke. But did I break him, or did you? That's what I want you to discover. By some chance, you might even remember who you were, and who you became.
Have some luck,
K.A.
K.A.? You knew nobody with those initials. Sure, Kazuki, but his last name did not start with an A, it was Yamashita, the name which still tarnished Ryuzen and Miyuki. Why would the kidnapper want you to relive your past memories? It was as if they were tormenting you. But, their previous clues had always been helpful, so, you slid on your shoes and left, throwing out your pack of chewing tobacco on the way, you wouldn't need it anymore.
You decided to take your car. Yes, the bicycle was more dependable than the car, but the beach was far, and you knew that you would need your car– no matter how broken down it was.
It took you thirty minutes of driving before you reached the beach. The sand shimmered in the sun, warm and comforting, while a gentle sea breeze carried the salty scent of the water up to you. Finally reaching the bench and sitting, it sent you back into memories.
You could recall the happy times at the beach, playing with Ryuzen and Miyuki, while Kazuki relaxed on this very bench, reading a book. Every weekend you would go. The kids cherished it and it had been a long lasting tradition.
But then, there had been the last time you had come. It had been January, the sky stormy and waves crashing relentlessly against the shore. Kazuki no longer came, it had been the year after your divorce. Miyuki and Ryuzen had been nearing the water and you had snapped.
You yelled at them, and you remembered the satisfaction as they shrunk back in fear at your harsh words– now they know what is right and what is wrong.
What you didn't remember, is the small breaking that moment had. The connection between you and your children had begun to snap, one piece at a time, and that had been the first. Immediately, as soon as you had yelled, Miyuki's eyes had gone cold and distant, and Ryuzen had hugged her close, just a little boy looking at his sister for protection.
But you, you had not noticed how he depended on Miyuki as if she was his own mother. You had not noticed how Miyuki grew distant from that day on, floating further away each day in passing.
That day had marked the beginning of her rebellion, and the beginning of your walls. After that, you constructed a careful barrier between you and others, knowing that coming too close would lead to more despair.
You would not know how that barrier, although it protected you, led you astray. Once it was crafted, you lost your connection to the outside world, you became lost in your bubble, and it shattered right before your eyes, but you were too stuck in self pity to even realize it as the pieces rained down on you.
But of course, when you came to sit on this bench, you chose, you handpicked the memories which it would invoke. You didn't want to see your mistakes, but only your successes. How I was so disappointed, I had tried to lead you out of your own denial, but I only allowed you to bury yourself further down the hole.
You sat there for a while longer, watching the tide come and go, listening to the gentle breeze and the laughter of children as they played with their parents. It was bittersweet, reminding you of how you had once been.
Slowly, rising you stretched up, it had been nice to visit, and it had grounded you well, but the day was running short and you needed to visit three other places. You remembered the park, it had been so sweet and calming.
Once you arrived after another fifteen minutes of driving, you lay in the grass, the soft blades tickling your ears, and the melodic chirping of the birds calming your mind, which allowed you to think.
Who could the kidnapper be? Only Kazuki would know of such a thing, or maybe even Miyuki. It was all so confusing, why would they want you to find them? But alas, you would.
Your thoughts eventually began to drift away, like how the day begins to transition into night. The letter had told you to remember, so you would.
The park had always been a nice place to remember. Ryuzen would play there with his friends from school, all while you would watch from the top of the hill, usually with Miyuki as you conversed with her, asking her how school had been. Slowly, though, it began to become a place which you loathed going, and you would go, if only to satisfy your children, but it was never enjoyable.
You had been good though, you had always done what your children wanted, endured your suffering just to see the joy on their faces. But, the fractured memories flashed in your head, you yelling, the kids crying, a slap.
No
No
No
NO!
You worked to close your mind, you would not remember, you had been good, the best mother they could ask for. You tried, you tried your best.
But I remember. I know. Ryuzen had asked you, "Mom, can we please go to the park?"
You said no, your tone sharp. He had backed away, hurt. "But–"
You flicked your eyes over, screaming, shouting, you were exhausted and I try to not hold it against you. You had intended to put your hand gently on his shoulder, explain to him why you didn't want to go, but you were never good at controlling yourself, you slapped him hard, and then collapsed on the floor, crying. You went on your knees before Miyuki and Ryzen, incessantly apologizing, tears streaming down your face and onto the hardwood.
But they backed away. They didn't accept your apology. They shrunk from you, as if you were a stranger. You had ruined your bond with them long ago at the beach, but finally, this is when they realized the monster you had become, how the hardships you faced impacted you.
I know it's hard to remember, but it will tell you why, why I took your Ryuzen, even though he hadn't been yours for years. I hoped you would understand, but I wasn't sure you would.
You shook your head, it was time to go, you couldn't be here any longer, you knew it had been a bad idea. Your shoulders shook and you took in large, heaving gasps, sprinting back to your car. It wasn't right. It shouldn't have happened. You never should've come. This was wrong. All of it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Nothing was right. Nothing would ever be right again. These memories shouldn't have come back. This was a mistake—a terrible mistake.
Shoving open the door, you collapsed into the driver's seat, heaving. You fidgeted with your rings, the twisting calming your racing heart.
There was one place left to go, a place which you hadn't even thought of since everything went awry.
You stepped out of the car, and before you there was an abandoned small blue house. It was one story and cozy, the perfect size for a budding family of four. Ivy now grew up and down its walls, hugging the door. The door handle, once bright and polished, had begun to rust. The flower boxes in front were dirtied, with withered flowers draped over the edge, and the once neatly kept garden had grown wild, weeds and other things growing over the neatly curated lilies and irises.
Drifting over, you almost melted into the steps when you rested on them. You hadn't blocked out any of the painful memories from here, you had kept them, used them as kindling to grow your fire of resentment towards Kazuki.
You could still recall the day you had left this house behind with your kids. Kazuki was calling after you, apologizing. But, you stood strong, you hadn't been broken yet, or you at least hadn't realized it. Your children wailed, calling out to their dad, but he wasn't worried for them, but for losing you.
Pulling your kids after you, with only a few bags, you could still remember the anger that burned within you at what Kazuki had done, but also the calm that came from stepping away. Your children didn't know what was happening, and you didn't think that they needed an explanation at the time. Now, you could see where you had gone wrong.
Ryuzen and Miyuki saw how their father only cared for them. I pity them now. They saw you as the one who drove them away, and after that day, they saw the changes that came, rushing hard through their life and knocking them off their feet. They blamed you for everything, their father not caring for them, the new, smaller, dirty apartment they had to live in, and worst of all, the emotions too big for their small bodies they didn't know what to do with.
You were hollow, reliving these memories left you not knowing how to feel, so instead, you caged your emotions within you, far away, as you had done for nine years now. Standing up, you were prepared to leave, when you spotted writing on the door in inky black ink.
Eiko, in case they didn't tell you, I want you to know. Visit the funeral, and you'll know what you have missed.
You stumbled back. What funeral? Whose? What could they possibly mean?