In a quiet, out-of-the-way alley in the Hidden Leaf Village, an increasingly strange scene was unfolding.
Aside from Sasuke, who was furiously scolding Naruto with tear-filled, puffed cheeks over being ignored for so long…
And Naruto, who was currently groveling on the ground in full dogeza mode, shoulders hunched and knees pressed to the earth in complete submission…
And Hinata and the Ino-Shika-Chō trio, who stood silently watching with increasingly bewildered expressions…
Three unconscious, thoroughly battered kids were strewn across the ground like fallen leaves.
One was so charred from fire that he resembled a lump of coal freshly dragged out of a mine.
Another had clearly been struck by a direct lightning jutsu—his hair standing on end like needles, body twitching involuntarily, sparks crackling around him even in unconsciousness.
And the third?
He hadn't been burned. He hadn't been electrocuted.
No—he had been beaten.
Brutally.
By Sasuke.
His clothes looked like they'd been mauled by a wild animal. Bloody claw marks crossed his body, mingled with bruises and fist-sized welts. His entire frame had swollen to the point that he looked… thicker. Even his face had taken a beating—nose bleeding, lips split, eyes blackened and swollen shut.
He didn't look human anymore.
He looked like a mangled version of that certain second disciple from a certain Monkey King pilgrimage tale.
Yikes. That's brutal… If these poor suckers hadn't volunteered to be Sasuke's emotional punching bags, all that rage might've landed on me instead…
Naruto gulped as he took in the wreckage, voice trembling as he muttered quietly. He shrank into himself instinctively, as if trying to fold his body into the tiniest shape possible to avoid being noticed.
Not that Sasuke could actually beat him in a fair fight. No, this wasn't about power.
First off, Naruto knew he was in the wrong.
He'd promised Sasuke he'd only run ten seconds ahead.
But then Hinata showed up—Hinata, whom he hadn't seen in over a year. And well… things escalated. He started teasing her, slowing his pace just to keep her nearby, trying to spend more alone time together.
Then the Ino-Shika-Chō trio showed up, and he got caught up in helping them pass, subtly strengthening their bodies while filtering out their future problem-child tendencies.
And he completely forgot about poor little Sasuke, who had been waiting up ahead with that precious look of hopeful anticipation.
Secondly—
Sasuke's teary-eyed, puffed-cheeked fury was criminally cute.
So cute it should be illegal.
Naruto just wanted to scoop him up, cradle him like a cat, and pet him until he calmed down.
Having long since adopted the Uchiha family as his own, Naruto had completely accepted baby Sasuke as the household mascot—the one everyone doted on. He'd rather cuddle than counterattack.
Ahhh, no wonder Itachi's such a bro-con. Sasuke was a menace-level cutie when he was little. Ugh. TOO CUTE.
As Sasuke's angry yelling finally brought Naruto back to reality, Naruto peeked up from his submissive position with the kind of creepy, blissed-out grin usually reserved for hardcore cat lovers.
He was practically drooling.
In fact, he was so deep in his delusion that he almost imagined Itachi standing behind him in a shirt covered in baby Sasuke's face, holding a megaphone and yelling: "Join the Church of Bro-con! Glory to the Little Uchiha!"
Join now and be spiritually fulfilled!
…
Meanwhile, the spectators were rapidly losing their grip on sanity.
"…I know this sounds weird," Ino whispered, glancing at the others, "but is it just me… or does Naruto seem really happy… about getting yelled at?"
As a natural sensor-type ninja, Ino had picked up on the uncontrolled waves of joy rolling off Naruto's chakra.
"…I mean, I've never heard of anyone enjoying being scolded before. But… could he be… a masochist?"
"H-He's not!! Naruto-kun is not a pervert!!"
Hinata snapped out of her daze with a startled yelp, instinctively leaping to Naruto's defense. But then she glanced back at the strange, almost blissful scene unfolding before her and faltered.
"…P-Probably not… a pervert… maybe…?"
"…Even you're unsure now?" Shikamaru muttered, staring deadpan.
This wasn't good.
He'd suspected that Naruto and Hinata had mutual feelings.
But now, seeing Hinata's hesitation, his eyes darkened.
"…Hey, Hinata, right?" Shikamaru leaned closer. "That other one—what's their name again? The one Naruto's letting boss him around?"
"Hmm? Oh, you mean Sasuke-kun? Yes, we're on the same team."
"…Right. Sasuke," Shikamaru nodded slowly. "Sooo… Sasuke's a boy, right? Not a girl?"
"Of course. Sasuke-kun is a boy. Why do you ask?"
"…He's a… boy?"
Shikamaru stiffened. His entire body locked up.
He turned to stare at Naruto. Hard.
His arms crossed in front of his chest. He took one small step back. Then another.
And another.
Don't panic… don't panic…
Maybe he's like my old man. He gets yelled at by Mom, but instead of being mad, he smiles like an idiot and says she's cute when she's angry… No. No no no—this is worse. That guy's loving it. That means…
Oh god… Naruto's bi, isn't he?!
From that moment forward, Shikamaru would always hold a vague sense of suspicion and wariness toward Naruto and Sasuke's affectionate closeness.
Only years later, when Naruto married Hinata and began living the happy life of a very heterosexual husband, would that mental shadow finally begin to fade.
"…Umm, Shikamaru-kun? Is something wrong…?"
Hinata, noticing Shikamaru's increasingly twitchy behavior, leaned toward Ino and whispered, worried.
"Did I say something I shouldn't have?"
"Nah, don't worry about it."
Ino sighed like someone used to this.
"That's just Shikamaru being Shikamaru. His brain's off spinning some wild theory again. Give him five minutes and he'll snap out of it."
"…I-I see."
...
A little earlier – Memory Feedback: Shadow Clone Relay
...
After entrusting Naruto with the academy's entrance exam, the Third Hokage, in an effort to train his leadership and decision-making skills, resumed his daily duties in the Hokage Office.
The only notable change?
A secret doorway had been carved into the wall—hidden in plain sight—leading to a staircase descending into a large underground room.
A room full of seated shadow clones.
Fugaku. Hiashi. Naruto.
Dozens of them, all meditating in silence.
After Naruto's impressive use of shadow clones during the operation to purge Root and take down Danzo, both the Uchiha and Hyuga clans adopted the technique as part of an emergency communication system. With Hiruzen's approval, a secure underground contact room was built beneath the Hokage's office as a precaution against emergencies—especially ones that could alter the timeline, like Orochimaru's early invasion.
Ironically, this preemptive trap wasn't first triggered by Orochimaru.
It was the Cloud ninja who tripped it.
And true to Naruto's prediction, the Cloud team hadn't retreated for good.
Sure, the appearance of Minato had disrupted their plans, but they calculated—correctly—that communication in a large village took time. Unless Minato himself reported it using the Flying Thunder God Technique, they still had a window.
Feigning retreat, they doubled back under the leadership of Number Three—their sensory-type ninja, who had faked his breakdown to lull Naruto's clone into dropping his guard.
Using what information they had gathered, they carefully avoided the main patrols.
They aimed to infiltrate deeper into the village and find their target: Hinata.
But…
Fugaku already knew.
The shadow clone network had warned him.
And as head of the Konoha Police Force, he moved quickly. Trusted Uchiha clansmen disguised themselves as civilians, spreading out across major roads and chokepoints like an invisible net.
Even if the intruders somehow reached Hinata… getting out of the village?
Would be a very different story.
Naruto (mentally): 'Weird little booklet… Uncle Shikaku, just what the hell were you reading…?'
Shikaku (distant): "H-Hey, don't look at me! I didn't—I don't—! I have no idea what that was! Lies! All lies!"
Yoshino: "Oh, darling~? Care to explain what you've been teaching our son?"
Shikaku: "N-NO! Wait, dear! It's not what it looks like—I swear—ARGH! HELP! MURDER! I'M BEING FRAMED!"