Chapter 56: The Legiones Astartes and Their Dads
(This chapter can be read as a lore dump, or as a bit of fun.)
So, what quirky personalities did the Primarchs bring to their Legions?
I Legion: Dark Angels
Primarch: Lion El'Jonson, a.k.a. "The First Son of the Emperor," "The First Lord," "The Lion," "Big Brother," "The True Lord of Secrets."
Battle Cry: "Repent! For tomorrow you die!" / "A moment of laxity spawns a lifetime of heresy!"
Specialty: Secret police with a belly full of secrets; the Emperor's own military police.
Gripes: The First Legion has no secrets! What are the Fallen Angels? BLAM! The Second Imper... BLAM! "I'm a Fallen Angel, not a Greenskin, stop hitting me..."
II Legion: Don't mention it! It's taboo! BLAM!
III Legion: Emperor's Children (Traitor)
Primarch: Fulgrim, a.k.a. "The Phoenician," "The Lord of Chemos," "The Illuminator," "The Pretty Boy," "The Big Gay," ascended to Daemon Prince of Slaanesh.
Battle Cry: (Original) "Children of the Emperor! Death to his foes!" / (Current) "Perfect ecstasy, endless agony, exquisite pain. I must have more!"
Specialty: Formerly the most pristine, face-conscious pretty boys in the Imperium. Now, perverts proficient in all kinds of "play."
Gripes: It's just so good! So very good! They're really getting creative with it!
IV Legion: Iron Warriors (Traitor)
Primarch: Perturabo, a.k.a. "The Hammer of Olympia," "The Lord of Iron," "The Grumpy Contractor," "Plankton," "Perty," "The Iron Tyrant," "The Space-Autist da Vinci," or "The Whiny Little Princess," ascended to Daemon Prince of Chaos Undivided.
Battle Cry: "Iron within, iron without!"
Specialty: Siege warfare; tech-nerds; a twisted man with a twisted soul.
Gripes: DORN!!!!!!!!! Why don't you praise me?! Are you praising me because you want to use me?!
V Legion: White Scars
Primarch: Jaghatai Khan, Missing in Action, a.k.a. "The Warhawk of Chogoris," "The Lord of the Blue Sky," "The Great Khan," "The First Throat-Singer of the Imperium," "The Master of the Morin Khuur," "The Master of the Roast Lamb."
Battle Cry: "For the Khan and the Emperor!"
Specialty: Speed is king; racing is the main job, chopping heads is just a side gig.
Gripes: I need a faster bike! This head has a nice feel to it when you swing it! Question: How big of a horse does a three-meter-tall Primarch need? Answer: The Khan used to run... BLAM!
VI Legion: Space Wolves
Primarch: Leman Russ, Missing in Action, a.k.a. "The Great Wolf," "The Lord of Winter and Ruin," "The Wolf-King of Fenris," "The Big Dog," "The Super Furry."
Battle Cry: "For Russ and the Wolftime!"
Specialty: The Emperor's executioners; playing dumb, but brave and cunning; can transform into a were-wolf form.
Gripes: We don't use the warp, we use the rune power of our homeland! If Fenris has no wolves, where do the Fenrisian Wolves come from? I need to add some poison to my mead to get a good buzz...
VII Legion: Imperial Fists
Primarch: Rogal Dorn, Missing in Action, a.k.a. "The Praetorian of Terra," "The Vigilant," "The Blade of the Emperor," "The Lord of the Mountain Fortress," "The Unyielding One."
Battle Cry: "Primarch-Progenitor, to your glory and the glory of him on Earth!"
Specialty: Master of tower defense; defensive expert; loves to build fortresses.
Gripes: One of the three most stubborn "people" in the galaxy. Khorne: "I am Rogal Dorn..." Brothers? Aren't brothers for offending?
VIII Legion: Night Lords (Traitor)
Primarch: Konrad Curze, Deceased, a.k.a. "The Night Haunter," "The Final Judge," "The King of the Night," "The Emo Corax," "The Cooler Konrad," basically a giant, insane, Flashpoint Batman. A righteous vigilante, a ruthless killer, a mentally tormented terrorist who sought to maintain order through fear.
Battle Cry: "We have come for you!"
Specialty: The most brutal madmen, experts in torture, masters of fear tactics.
Gripes: The Primarch looked down on the Legion, and the Legion looked down on the Primarch. Although he was a mad sadist, his intentions were good... The Primarch was the Legion's true champion!
IX Legion: Blood Angels
Primarch: Sanguinius, Deceased, a.k.a. "The Great Angel," "The Brightest One," "The Lord of Baal," "The Lord of Hosts," "The Hot Angel Guy," "The Perfect Primarch," "The Golden-Feathered Chicken."
Battle Cry: "By the Blood of Sanguinius!" / "For the Emperor and Sanguinius! Death! DEATH!"
Specialty: The Red Thirst and the Black Rage. When they go berserk, they're incredibly powerful.
Gripes: HORUS, AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Who are you? Being a blood thrall is a job full of honor!
X Legion: Iron Hands
Primarch: Ferrus Manus, Deceased, a.k.a. "The Gorgon of Medusa," "The Great Iron Father," "The Headless Ferrus," known for his arms of living metal.
Battle Cry: "The flesh is weak!" (Cog-heads, we had a chat, and you can use it. But I still admire you.)
Specialty: Body has as much inorganic material as a cog-head.
Gripes: Why is there no one inside your Dreadnought? BLAM! If you're going to replace everything with bionics, why do you still use gene-seed modification? What's the difference between you and the cog-heads?
XI Legion: Don't ask! They don't exist!
XII Legion: World Eaters (Traitor)
Primarch: Angron, a.k.a. "The Red Angel," "The Slave of Nuceria," "The King of the Red Sands," "The Gladiator King," "The Blood Prince," "The Choppy King," "The Breaker," "The Space Kratos," the wetware for the Butcher's Nails, ascended to Daemon Prince of Khorne.
Battle Cry: "No mercy! Kill! Maim! Burn!" / "Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne! Death to the False Emperor!"
Specialty: Chopping.
Gripes: This is a tragedy. I don't want to complain... Emperor: "Why can't this child take a joke?"
XIII Legion: Ultramarines
Primarch: Roboute Guilliman, a.k.a. "The Lord of Ultramar," "The Battle King," "The King of the Five Hundred Worlds," "The Blade of Unity," "The Lord of Hosts," "The Uncrowned King," "The Victorious," "The Avenging Son," "Rowboat Girlyman," "Papa Smurf," "The Blue Sun in the Hearts of the People."
Battle Cry: "Courage and Honour!" / "We march for Macragge!"
Specialty: Jack of all trades, master of... some.
Gripes: The father of three-quarters of all Space Marines. The ambitious Guilliman! The resident of the Imperial ICU!
XIV Legion: Death Guard (Traitor)
Primarch: Mortarion, a.k.a. "The Death Lord," "The Pale King," "The Prince of Decay," "The Stinky Green Hooded Man," "Morty," "The Big Gas Can," "The Moth Man," known throughout the galaxy for being "clean and hygienic," ascended to Daemon Prince of Nurgle.
Battle Cry: None. That's right, none.
Specialty: Formerly the toughest Space Marines. Now, as "Plague Marines," even tougher.
Gripes: This isn't the warp! This is numerology! A firm believer in materialism. I heard there's a chance he could be redeemed...
XV Legion: Thousand Sons (Traitor)
Primarch: Magnus the Red, a.k.a. "The Lord of Prospero," "The Crimson King," "The Sorcerer-King," "The Cyclops," "The Red Devil," "The Sunburned Ogryn," "The Man Who Did Nothing Wrong," "Magic Little Magnus," "The Space Archmage," "The Spineless Wonder," ascended to Daemon Prince of Tzeentch.
Battle Cry: "All is dust!"
Specialty: Every living member is a master psyker.
Gripes: He did the most to put the Emperor on the Golden Throne. I heard he was forced to his knees by his own son. It's a shame he doesn't do more melee...
XVI Legion: Luna Wolves / Sons of Horus / Black Legion (Traitor)
Primarch: Horus Lupercal, Deceased, a.k.a. "The Breaker of Tyrants," "The Imperial Warmaster," "The First Son," "The Arch-Traitor," the central figure of the Horus Heresy, known as "the idiot who screwed everything up," but... it wasn't all his fault.
Battle Cry: (Pre-Heresy) "For the Warmaster and the Emperor!" / (Post-Heresy) "We have returned! Death to the False Emperor!"
Specialty: Hmm... does a daddy complex count? The Primarch used to be in a street gang.
Gripes: Victorious in a hundred battles... The age of the Primarchs is over... He had a pointy head!
XVII Legion: Word Bearers (Traitor)
Primarch: Lorgar Aurelian, a.k.a. "The Great Word Bearer," "Urizen" (the god of reason and tradition in William Blake's mythology), "The Golden One," "The Crazy Bald Prophet," "The Choir Boy," "The Pathetic Weakling," also the first Primarch to convert to the Chaos Gods, ascended to Daemon Prince of Chaos Undivided.
Battle Cry: The Lectitio Divinitatus
Specialty: Religious fanatics looking for a god to worship.
Gripes: The founder of the Imperial Cult. The copyright holder of the Lectitio Divinitatus. How do you prove you're not a god?
XVIII Legion: Salamanders
Primarch: Vulkan, Missing in Action, a.k.a. "The Lord of Drakes," "The Hammer of Salvation," "The Fire of Prometheus," "The Gentle Black Dragon," or "The Happy Green Giant." Not only was he the strongest Primarch, but he also inherited the ability of a Perpetual from the Emperor, meaning he could be resurrected almost infinitely. A legendary craftsman, one of the kindest and most gentle characters, the moral backbone of the Emperor's great family.
Battle Cry: "Into the fires of battle, unto the anvil of war!"
Specialty: Master of the barbecue; a master craftsman; the most friendly Space Marines to mortals.
Gripes: The black uncle is a good man. Just leave them be...
XIX Legion: Raven Guard
Primarch: Corvus Corax, a.k.a. "The Liberator," "The Raven Lord," "The Shadow-Lord," "The King of the Shadowed Peoples," "The Good-Guy Konrad," "The Workers' Best Friend."
Battle Cry: None.
Specialty: Invisibility, assassination.
Gripes: The Raven King is a good comrade. He got depressed... LOGAR, GET OUT HERE!!!
XX Legion: Alpha Legion
Primarch: Alpharius Omegon, one twin suspected to be deceased, a.k.a. "The Lord of the Hydra," "The Twins," "The King of Lies," they even deceive themselves. It's all a mystery.
Battle Cry: "Hydra Dominatus!" / "I am Alpharius!"
Specialty: Hard to tell if they're loyal or traitors; shapeshifting agents, spies.
Gripes: Who is Alpharius? Am I Alpharius? Are you Alpharius? We are all Alpharius.