I don't know how long I must have been unconscious but when I finally woke I first realized I was no longer in the wreckage, some good Samaritans must have attended to us else I should be dead. The next thought was about my princess, her face continued to flash in my mind, my personal state was no longer my concern, my fear grew for the love of my life, my heartbeat, my sunshine, my princess, what was her state? Have I truly lost her? My cognitive domain must have been in a destabilized state for I felt paralyzed throughout my body, as days passed signs of reflex actions were eminent but it took me a week before I could talk. In this period of one week I and a good number of survivors were transported to Nigeria our Home so as to not only get more medical attention but also be attended to by our families who were pre-informed of our situation, I'm sure you can guess the first thing that came out of my mouth when I was able to talk, "was my princess found?" all I was told was to stop worrying so I could get better soon but the more I tried the more I worried. Every day I spent in the hospital was a living hell, the thought of her being lost gave me cold feet and it was as if the hands of death held my heart. I struggled to shake it off but every morning it was there, this battle was one I may not easily win, there were those days I could not sleep, I would lay awake all through the night, only one thought was utmost in my heart "my princess", some other nights I tried to sleep but never did I sleep more than three hours even with the sleeping pills given to me, my mind was more stronger and determined in finding my princess, I remember those nights when my sister Ella would stay with me, the more she saw me awake the more she grieved inwardly, she couldn't do it outwardly as she feared what my fate would be, all she would do is go into the bathroom and sob quietly, Uloma's family also visited me very often but they too could not tell me the truth, they were more broken than I was but they knew if they told me the truth I would kill myself. I saw the pain in their eyes even when they smiled, but I was still not strong enough to know the truth. Her uncle who had arranged for our honeymoon in the states visited at the hospital, his countenance was bitter, as if it was his fault for our predicaments; he was constantly blaming himself for my situation and the demise of his niece, he never said it to me but his actions were clear enough, I remember once when the shouting was very intense, I heard Uloma's father scolding someone to stop an act as it wasn't the solution to the present situation, but the returning voice was Mr. Tuminus' voice, he cried out saying "what do you want me to do? Had I not invited them to the States would any of this had happened? It's my fault so allow me to drink, Let me drink out my sorrow". I felt his pain instantly, I felt sorry for him, I wished I could tell him not to kill himself over the situation but even I was battling seriously with the thought of my princess.
As I got better I struggled to know the where about of my princess, at this point I could sit but I couldn't stand just yet, my feet were still healing and I had to use a wheel chair, it was at this time my family and Uloma's family came to take me home, everyone put up a cheerful face. We got home and as we all settled down my father walked to me and said, "take heart my son, Uloma did not survive the crash, her body was not found also" finally the truth was told me that she was gone, she was the reason why I existed and without her there was nothing to live for.
As the words fell to the ground so did I fall, I burst out in tears, shouted at the top of my voice, I wailed bitterly, everyone tried to calm me down but they themselves silently shed tears too, I looked at my mama, as her eyes met mine I saw her bury her face into her palms as she struggled to find the way out of the living room, my dad sat on the floor with me, the tears stood still in his eyes. Uloma's father was by my side also, I cannot forget his dear words
"it's not the end my son, we are all grieved
today but you need to be strong if not for
anyone for yourself and us"
Uloma's mom couldn't hide her emotions, she cried right in front of me, my siblings and Uloma's siblings all sat down feeling devastated, some were trying to cheer mama up, others came around to cheer me up but I didn't need cheering up, I needed my Uloma who was now gone forever. I stopped crying after sometime, the house was very quiet, everyone kept to himself trying to let the emotions sink in, time dragged slowly today and later Uloma's parent and siblings bade us adieu.
I don't know what happened next after that day, whether I was under a spell I didn't know, all I know was that I began to hate everything, I struggled to even love my family members, they were always there for me trying to make life worthwhile for me, the more they tried the more I became lost to them. As I healed and my legs became stronger, I started trying to stand on my own, there were still pain in my legs and also in my heart. There were those nights I thought of taking my life, it seemed to be the only remedy to my predicament, it didn't take long for me to convince myself that death was the solution but Grace was upon me, the first and only night I tried to kill myself my dear Ella happened to come into the room, she saw the knife in my hand and as she cried calling to others to come quickly a grave battle began in me; the thoughts of me and Ella growing up together battled with the thought of my dead love and the false hope I held onto thinking that killing myself would unite me with her, that night was a bitter one, I was ready to stab myself to death, I cried out to everyone to stay back else I would kill myself. Dad was struggling to calm me down with words, trying to convince me of their undying love, my thoughts told me they loved me but I was still lost in this dark world, I was more angered when my mind drifted to the day of the crash which stole my princess from me, as I thought of these things I shed tears, my hands and knees became week as I saw that familiar face in my mind's eye, my princess looking at me, the knife fell to the ground and as I was falling knee first to the ground my younger brother rushed at me, he caught me and held me to himself, he kicked the knife to the extreme; mom, dad and Ella all came close to help me. I was never to sleep alone, someone always kept watch over me, and by morning the room was carefully scrutinized to remove anything that I could use to kill myself, could I blame my family? They had to protect me and they were doing a great job but I hated it, everything felt like imprisonment and it continued like that for a period of five months.
In this five months Uloma's parents and siblings visited quite often, the two families were even like one, I had also started to use crutches for one of my leg still hurt, I was getting better on the outside but on the inside I was still dying, the more I thought of my princess I found myself lost somewhere between immensity and oblivion, I drifted far, very far into the cosmic void that was now my world, my world darkened every day, I was losing touch of my humanity. Most times I was all by myself to my thoughts with someone keeping an eye on me, I didn't chat on my phone, I neither received or made calls, one thing that kept me going was music, there was this quote I saw online some time ago, it said
"you understand the lyrics of a song When you are sad"
By this time I was thinking better, the thought of dying no longer crossed my mind but I still had someone watching me, Ella was handling my business from home, she sometimes read reports to me but I rarely told her anything, on many days I asked her to take me to Uloma's grave, sometimes tears escaped my eyes other times it was my heart alone that cried, on few occasions I have met Uloma's parents at her grave site, they were also broken in pain as was I if not even more.
Time went by but nothing changed in me, I was fully recovered health wise but my mind was far from recovery from the death of my princess, somehow everything that gave me joy was uninteresting to me, my enterprise was no longer a priority for me, Ella was managing it properly and I didn't interfere, I hated everything and I just wanted to be alone. I was fighting a grave battle inside me and I wasn't even winning, I never wanted to go for counselling and so I didn't; I thought I could win on my own but the truth is I couldn't, no one ever could depending on his/her own prowessness or ability. After a while I decided to visit the office, so the next day I went along with Ella but it wasn't the best day of my life, no one expected to see me as I kept it to myself until Ella was ready to go, that was when I told her I would join her in the office, even she was startled at my decision but she smiled pleasingly with great hope that things would soon begin to change even though slowly. We got to the office and I allowed Ella to seat at my seat, a seat I had sat for a long while. Today we chatted about business, something she had longed for; it was somewhat interesting, but I rarely enjoyed it, when I and Uloma chatted about business she always had a way to make it interesting and funny but soon I began to reminisce and it changed my mood that day, it was unfortunate for my secretary that it was at such moment she came to give a report and I didn't know when I shouted at her, Ella quickly came to the rescue and dismissed her, I just went home in an irritated manner.
I didn't go to the office for another two days, but then I decided to give it a try again, somehow it seemed I was making progress as days went by and since Ella was doing so well I quickly opened a branch office for her, in a weeks' time she had a place she was managing, I sent some of my loyal workers over there just to make the stress easy on Ella, but the new workers employed in my firm were most times irritants to me, they were seemingly blocked head and I was always shouting. I was disappointed with most of them that I kept firing them and hiring others who somehow out of bad luck were worse. I had built a great working team out of love when I started my firm, I was lenient with them, I thought them most of the time how things were done, they had latent skills lying in them and I gradually taped into them, they were not the best but I build them into a formidable team but today I was lost, I had neither the patience or the stomach for their misbehaviors, I had lost my source of love and so all that was left was hate, I could not teach them anything, I wanted them to be perfect for the job, I wanted them to use all the skills they had but they were never using it and so I was most times infuriated, reports were inadequate, errors were paramount, budgets were never accurate and most of these things made me mad every day. I soon put an end to the one hour break everyone had asides from the normal daily break hour, most of the remunerations they were getting within the week soon stopped coming, I was angry with everyone that I was running the business towards its death but I couldn't even see it.
It continued like that for a period of time, I was now seen as the "Tyrant Boss" I had lost my sense of good judgement, the respect accorded to me in time past was now gone, people were afraid of me for I could fire them, no friendly rapport existed and I enjoyed it. I didn't want to know what anyone thought about; even in my family, I was picky about everything and even the slightest things annoyed me but everything was about to change, soon.