I could feel his eyes on me.
That same gaze that used to make my skin tingle, that used to send warmth trickling down my spine like sunlight through branches.. now it only burns.
I don't look at him. I don't dare. Even if someone held a gun to my head right now, I wouldn't meet his eyes.
I just want to arrange everything on this table. Lay down the dishes, the mugs, the fruit. Do it cleanly, quietly, then disappear before I fall apart completely.
I don't want to exist in this room a second longer than I have to.
Does it matter if I cry about this? Does it even matter if I let myself break down? No. Not really. What difference would it make?
The truth is simple... I did this to myself.
Everything. Every piece of this mess has been my fault from the beginning.
I was the one who dared to think I could ever belong with someone like him. Someone with that rank. That name. That life. I was foolish. So completely stupid, and I can't even pretend I didn't know better.
I can't blame anyone for that kind of stupidity. I can't blame anyone for believing in a fantasy I let myself spin out of nothing.
I can't blame anyone for the relationship either. It wasn't like he forced me into it. No one twisted my arm. No one pulled me into his bed or pressed his lips to mine against my will.
No, it was me.
I let it happen.
I let him in, again and again, because I wanted to. Because I let myself believe his words when I should have run from them.
It doesn't matter how much he pursued me. Doesn't matter how many times he told me he loved me. I should have known. I should have known.
It doesn't matter that he's the man every woman in this pack and even women from other packs dream about, talk about, long for.
It doesn't matter how high his status is. It doesn't matter how many eyes follow him wherever he goes.
I should have known I was just another one of them.
It doesn't even matter how much I love him. How hard and hopelessly I fell for him. How deep it ran through me, deeper than bone, deeper than breath, like he was the only thing that made sense in a world I never really felt I belonged to.
I loved him so much it hurt.
I loved him like he was more than just a man, like he was the very air I breathed. More necessary than oxygen. More grounding than the earth beneath my feet. More present than the Moon, even when I couldn't see it.
But still... I should have known better.
What made me believe my love was any different?
What made me think it would mean anything?
Every woman adore him. And he knows that, he knows how much every woman is longing for him. What made me believe I was the one exception?
I want to laugh, but I can't. The sound gets trapped in my throat like a bitter knot of regret. It sits there, choking me from the inside.
Maybe it was because of how he said it. Because of the way he looked at me when he said those things... like he meant them. So steady. So sincere.
He told me he had noticed me his whole life. That every time he saw me, something in him pulled forward like there was a thread between us that had always been there, quietly tying him to me. And all he wanted was to close the gap between us.
He told me he had watched me growing up around the estate. That even when I was just the girl carrying laundry or fetching supplies, he had still felt that ache. That draw.
And I... gods, I believed him.
Stupid. Naïve. Barely touched by love or anything close to it, I didn't stand a chance. I was defenseless. Open.
I should have resisted.
But his voice had been too gentle. His words too warm.
There was heat in his confession, yes. Hunger, want. But there was more. It hadn't felt like something shallow. It hadn't felt like it was just about the way I looked or the thrill of the chase.
It felt like belonging.
And I... ignored everything I knew about the reality of it all. About our pack. About how it works for people like me and people like him.
I shoved aside every voice in my head that told me it would never work. I silenced every instinct screaming that this was dangerous.
And I fell.
I let myself fall into his arms.
Two years ago. I was eighteen... Eighteen should have been old enough to think clearly, to understand the weight of my choices.
So why wasn't I?
Why didn't I stop myself?
Two whole years of hiding. Two years of sneaking around, of late-night whispers and quiet footsteps, of hearts racing at the sound of approaching voices.
Two years of disguises and shadows. Of slipping through hallways like ghosts, careful not to be seen. like it was a thrilling game.
Two years of secret touches in empty corridors. Of holding hands in the dark. Of kisses behind doors.
We made a game out of it. We made jokes about the thrill of almost getting caught. We laughed together afterward, breathless and high on adrenaline, like it was all part of some romantic fairytale.
We shared secret glances in rooms filled with people who could destroy us. Stared at each other across the space between Alpha Renon and Luna Jeneve, pretending we were strangers while smiling like we held entire conversations in silence.
.. And somehow, I thought it all meant something.
Because no werewolf shows that level of hunger, of possession... unless it's their mate. That's what I always believed. That's what the bond meant.
So what was all of that, then?
What was it, if I'm not his mate?
If Victoria is?
Then what the hell was he doing to me all this time?
What did he see in me?
Was he faking it the whole time?
Was every touch, every whisper, every desperate night... a lie?
And even if it wasn't... why did I let it happen?
I should have known better before all that.
Above everything else, that's what keeps echoing in my head.
I should have known better.
And I have no one to blame. Not even him.
After I finish helping serve, my movements clumsy and uncertain, I step back. My arms still ache from holding the tray. My knees threaten to give out beneath me, but I don't let them.
I walk out with the other servants.
I don't glance at him.
Not even once.
I follow the others, my steps quiet, each one heavier than the last, and I tell myself again and again: This is your fault.
You knew exactly what you were walking into.
And you stayed anyway.
So maybe now you should pretend it never happened.. just like you pretended something like this ever would.