(This chapter contains a scene of sexual assault that may be disturbing to readers and should be read with caution)
***
When I was thirteen, my mom found a better job, and we moved to a town called Willow Hollow.
I didn't have many friends; I couldn't fit in anywhere — all I felt was emptiness.
It irritated me that everyone my age seemed to have so many friends while I didn't. That's when I started to feel like I was different.
The loneliness began to wear me down, and I started having suicidal thoughts. Honestly, the loneliness was more overwhelming than the thoughts themselves.
Not long after, my mom got sick, and I had to skip school so she could get better.
"Mom, I'm going to the store — do you want anything?" I asked.
That question seemed unreal to her because she never let me go to the store alone. She was always worried something might happen to me.
On my way to the store, I saw a group of five boys around my age.
They seemed pretty cool. I wanted to talk to them, but I was scared.
So I waited, hoping they'd talk to me first.
They didn't.
***
I walked out of the store carrying two heavy bags of groceries. I had to hurry home to Mom.
What if something happened to her?
What if she fell while trying to get up?
Doesn't matter — I have to go straight home, straight home, straight home.
"Hey."
I heard a voice behind me. I turned around.
It was them.
"Who are you?" one of them asked.
I only just noticed that three of them were smoking and hiding something behind their backs.
Alcohol, I thought.
"I'm Mike," I said.
They looked at me in silence.
"I'm Joshua," one of them finally said, then pointed at the others. "That's James, Jeremy, Malachi, and Ryan."
"Nice to meet you," I said.
Ryan started laughing quietly.
Malachi elbowed him to make him stop.
"Wanna smoke?" Joshua asked.
"I don't smoke," I replied.
"Come on, never tried it? Just have one."
I felt a knot in my stomach.
I had never smoked before — what if they laughed at me?
What if they didn't want to be my friends after that?
He handed me a cigarette. I took a small drag, careful not to inhale too much so I wouldn't choke.At first, I thought I could hold back the cough — but not for long.
I started coughing loudly, tears streaming from my eyes.
They started laughing.
Loudly.
What now? What could I do?
"Don't worry, this is just the beginning. You'll see."
They were right.
They weren't wrong.
Soon came the name-calling, and then they started bullying me.
They did whatever they wanted with me.
I wasn't an assertive person, and I never will be. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and they treated me like garbage.
***
I was eighteen years old, and they found a new way to humiliate and use me.
They started forcing me into things I didn't want to agree to. They ignored my "no," ignored my tears. For them, it was "just a game." For me – a nightmare.
"Take it in your mouth," Joshua said aggressively. I was most afraid of him. He's taller, stronger than me, and I wouldn't be able to get away, even with the other four friends standing behind him watching me.
"Did I say something?" he hissed. I stared at the ground. My hands were heavy, my throat tight, as if my body knew what was about to happen. He knew it too.
He knew I was scared.
"Just no teeth," he said.
He grabbed my head and started moving it. I couldn't breathe. I felt humiliation and fear that wouldn't go away. I was crying. My whole body was paralyzed. My heart was beating faster and faster, the world was blurring. I wanted it to be over, to go home, to be let go, to be allowed to leave. I was afraid that if I made another move they didn't like, they'd beat me to death.
Tears welled up in my eyes, then one by one they ran down my cheeks.
"Will you be good?" he asked. I just nodded. Behind me, I heard laughter. Long, endless laughter that played in my ears like music.
"Will you try to fight again?"
I shook my head.
He pressed me harder.
"No," I whispered.
I'm no longer human. They made me forget what it means to be human. How to live like a human.
I'm... nothing.
I tried to raise my hands, but it did no good, I felt powerless.
"I can't hear you, fuck!" he yelled. That's it. He pushed me hard onto the ground.
I spat out what was left in my mouth. Sick. I tried to swallow saliva, but I couldn't because of the pain in my throat, and I started crying louder.
I looked at Malachi, who was drinking yet another beer, and at James, who smiled at me. He walked up to me.
And I just stopped feeling anything.