The door to Li Wei's dorm room did not open.
It was atomized.
One moment, a solid wooden door.
The next, a cloud of splinters and a squad of beings in sharp, celestial suits.
They were the Jade Emperor's Divine Copyright Division.
The Heavenly Realm's equivalent of the FBI, but with better tailoring and a much stricter policy on trademark infringement.
The lead agent, a stern-looking god with a jawline that could cut diamonds, held up a glowing, golden document.
A cease-and-desist order.
"Li Wei," the agent said, his voice the cold, dead sound of pure, unadulterated bureaucracy. "You are in violation of the Unique Character Trademark Act, celestial statute 7B-stroke-9."
Li Wei, who was in the middle of eating cereal, just stared at them, a spoonful of soggy flakes halfway to his mouth.
"My... character?" he squeaked.
"Specifically," the agent continued, "your dual personality constitutes an unauthorized fork of a registered soul-type. It creates market confusion."
He gestured to two other agents, who were holding glowing, ethereal containment units.
"The Celestial Court has issued an injunction. We are here to enforce it."
"You will choose one personality mode for continued existence. The other will be permanently deleted to prevent further brand dilution."
**
The trial was livestreamed.
Of course it was.
It was the most-watched legal proceeding in the history of the cosmos.
The Celestial Court was a vast, sterile chamber of white marble and cold, impartial light.
The Jade Emperor himself presided, looking down from a throne of pure, unassailable order.
Li Wei stood in the defendant's box, a terrified, confused mess.
"This is a travesty!" Feng Yue yelled from the gallery, her voice a roar of phoenix fire. "You can't copyright a person!"
"Order!" the Jade Emperor boomed. "Or I will have the bailiff escort you out in a tastefully designed, yet inescapable, prison of pure law."
Li Wei needed a lawyer.
He was about to be deleted because his personality was a trademark violation.
This is bad, Yin Mode whimpered in his head. We're going to be cancelled. Literally.
A cold, analytical presence pushed through the panic.
Objection, a new voice said, clear and sharp in his mind.
Li Wei's posture straightened. His eyes flashed gold.
He adjusted his glasses.
"Objection, Your Honor," Yang Mode said out loud, his voice ringing with the cold, hard certainty of pure logic. "I will be representing myself."
**
The prosecution, a slick celestial lawyer named Lord Fuxi, presented his case.
"The defendant's existence," he argued, "is a clear violation of cosmic brand identity. He is two characters in one, which is confusing for the target demographic."
"As evidence," Lord Fuxi announced, "I present Exhibit A: a highlight reel of the defendant's most egregious character inconsistencies."
A massive holographic screen flickered to life.
It was a montage of Li Wei's greatest hits.
His most embarrassing moments.
There he was, tripping into the fountain.
There he was, trying to recruit pigeons.
There he was, confessing his love to his alchemy professor.
And there he was, the clip that went viral, his cringe-worthy interpretive dance poetry from middle school.
The entire court, a jury of gods and immortals, collectively winced.
The livestream chat was a waterfall of secondhand embarrassment.
[USER: WaterNymph_69]
OOF. I can't watch. This is too cringe.
[USER: DemonicOverlord_Dave]
This is better than his actual stream. 10/10 legal drama.
**
"And now," Lord Fuxi said with a smug smile. "The defense calls its only character witness. The Phoenix Princess, Feng Yue."
Feng Yue strode to the witness stand, her expression a mask of cold, fiery rage.
"Princess Feng Yue," the lawyer began. "Please describe your relationship with the defendant."
"He is..." she started, trying to be poised and regal. "...a chaotic, infuriating, and beautiful disaster."
"And which version of him do you prefer?" Fuxi pressed. "The competent genius? Or the bumbling fool?"
"I don't..." she stammered, her composure cracking. "That's not how it works! He's both! The whole, stupid, package!"
Her internal screaming was starting to leak out.
"So you admit he is a package of two distinct, marketable character archetypes?"
"No! He's a person!" she yelled, a small, angry flame erupting from her shoulder.
"A person whose kingdom's most sacred, classified secret is that the main ingredient in your immortality elixir... is just really, really good tea?" Fuxi asked, reading from a scroll.
Feng Yue froze.
She had just, in a fit of passionate rage, revealed a state secret that had been kept for ten thousand years.
Live.
In front of the entire universe.
She slowly sat down, her face the color of a supernova.
**
The case was a disaster.
Yang Mode's logical arguments were flawless, but they were falling on deaf ears.
"The concept of a singular, stable self is a mortal illusion," he argued. "We are all a collection of conflicting data points. My client is simply more honest about it."
The Jade Emperor was not impressed.
The judge, a serene, ancient goddess named Mazu who had not spoken the entire trial, finally stirred.
"The court finds the legal arguments... tedious," she announced, her voice a calm, quiet melody that cut through the noise.
She looked at Li Wei.
"The law is a blunt instrument for a delicate problem," she said. "This is not a matter of legality. It is a matter of narrative clarity."
She leaned forward, her ancient eyes pinning him in place.
"The court demands a simplification of your character profile for easier categorization," she stated. "The choice is yours, Li Wei."
"Which part of you will you sacrifice?"
**
This was it.
The final choice.
Delete the idiot.
Or delete the genius.
No! Yin Mode's voice screamed in his head. Don't erase me! I'm the one who feels things! I'm the one who loves her!
His deletion would be a catastrophic loss of processing power, Yang Mode countered. But your deletion would render my existence meaningless. My logic requires your chaos to have a purpose.
They looked at each other, across the fractured landscape of their own soul.
They saw not an enemy. Not a flaw.
They saw the other half of themselves.
And they thought of Feng Yue.
They remembered her words on the rooftop.
I don't want perfect. I want you, with all your stupid mistakes.
She didn't love the genius.
She didn't love the idiot.
She loved the whole, stupid, package.
**
Li Wei took a deep breath.
The two voices in his head spoke as one.
He looked at the judge. At the Jade Emperor. At the entire, waiting cosmos.
"No," he said, his voice quiet, but ringing with an unshakable certainty.
"I refuse to choose."
"I am not a product to be simplified for your convenience," he declared, his voice growing stronger. "I am a person. And I am a mess. My flaws are not bugs. They are features."
"You can delete me. You can erase me from existence. But I will not come apart for you."
"I am a package deal," he finished, a small, defiant smile on his face. "Take it or leave it."
The court was in an uproar.
The Jade Emperor rose from his throne, his face a thundercloud of pure, orderly rage.
Judge Mazu raised a hand, ready to deliver the final, damning verdict.
The end was here.
**
CRASH!
The massive, marble doors of the celestial courtroom burst open.
They didn't just open. They were kicked off their divine hinges.
A figure stood silhouetted in the doorway.
He was wearing a bubble tea shop apron.
And he was holding a single, unassuming USB drive.
Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven, and the assistant manager of the Shanghai branch of Monkey King's Miracle Tea, slid into the room like a rockstar.
"WAIT!" he yelled, his voice echoing with the power of a thousand chaotic rebellions.
He pointed a dramatic finger at the Jade Emperor.
"I have evidence that will change everything!"
He held up the USB drive.
On its side, written in cheap, permanent marker, were three simple, universe-shattering words.
"The Real Tea."
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