Li Wei was singing in the shower.
Badly.
It was his off-key, deeply passionate rendition of a cheesy boy band song from the early 2000s.
He was happy.
For the first time in what felt like a cosmic eternity, things were... normal.
No gods. No monsters. No existential trials.
Just him, his terrible singing voice, and a bottle of cheap, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.
It was pure, unadulterated bliss.
He had no idea he was the star of the spirit world's hottest new reality show.
**
The bathroom mirror wasn't a mirror anymore.
It was a one-way portal. A divine webcam.
And on the other side, in a hidden server room woven from moonlight and stolen Wi-Fi signals, Huli Jing Xiao Bai watched her viewer count climb.
Forty thousand.
Forty-five thousand.
Fifty thousand supernatural beings, from lonely river spirits to bored Underworld bureaucrats, were all tuned in to "The Clumsy Cultivator's Morning Routine."
And they were loving it.
The live chat was a waterfall of pure, unfiltered thirst.
[USER: WaterNymph_69]
OMG, he missed a spot shaving. ADORABLE.
[USER: DemonicOverlord_Dave]
I give his singing a 2/10 but his chaotic energy is a solid 10/10. Subscribed.
[USER: Penglai_Phoenix_Fanclub]
When is the Phoenix Waifu gonna show up?! I ship it so hard.
Xiao Bai, a beautiful fox spirit with eyes that shone with mischief and entrepreneurial zeal, giggled.
This was her masterpiece.
She had found the ultimate source of untapped content.
A human anomaly whose life was a constant stream of premium-grade cringe and chaos.
This was going to make her the biggest influencer in all three realms.
"Okay, chat," she purred into her microphone, her nine fluffy tails wagging. "Donation goals are up! Ten spirit stones and we see what's for breakfast!"
The donations poured in.
**
Li Wei finished his shower, wrapped a towel around his waist, and walked back into his dorm room.
He stopped.
He blinked.
His cheap, plastic toilet paper holder was gone.
In its place was a solid gold toilet paper holder, encrusted with what looked like diamonds.
He stared at it.
"Huh," he said out loud. "Weird."
He shrugged and went to his closet to find a shirt.
He pulled out his favorite, a faded grey hoodie with a mysterious stain on the front.
It felt... different.
Heavier.
Softer.
He looked at the tag.
It was no longer cheap cotton.
It was woven from celestial silk and embroidered with thread made from moonlight.
He just stared at it, his brain refusing to process the information.
"Okay," he said slowly. "So the laundry service is getting really fancy."
**
In her dorm room across the hall, Feng Yue was trying to meditate.
She was trying to find her center. Her inner peace.
It wasn't working.
Her mind kept replaying the events of the last few weeks.
The kiss. The trials. The feeling of his hand in hers.
She was a mess.
A powerful, divine, and utterly lovesick mess.
She was just about to achieve a moment of inner calm when her celestial jade tablet, the divine equivalent of an iPad, pinged.
It was a notification from "Ascension," the social media app for the spiritually active.
A friend request. From Xiao Qian, the fox spirit from their study group.
Feng Yue smiled. She accepted.
A second later, a new message popped up.
[Xiao Qian sent you a link: "You HAVE to see this! It's got, like, 50K viewers!"]
Feng Yue, curious, tapped the link.
A video player opened.
It was a livestream.
Of a dorm room.
A very familiar, very messy dorm room.
And in the center of the screen was Li Wei, shirtless, toweling his hair dry, completely oblivious.
Feng Yue's brain short-circuited.
The live chat was scrolling at a thousand miles an hour.
[USER: DragonPrince_AoGuangJr]
LOL, this is my new favorite show. Just donated 100 spirit stones. Make him trip over something.
[USER: Lord_of_the_Underworld_Yanluo]
My entire department is watching this instead of processing souls. Productivity is down 80%. Worth it.
[USER: Penglai_Phoenix_Fanclub]
PHOENIX WAIFU ENTERS THE CHAT AT 7:23 AM! I KNEW IT!
Feng Yue stared at the last comment.
Her face, which had been pale with shock, began to turn a dangerous shade of crimson.
The air in her room grew hot.
Her jade tablet began to smolder.
She was going to kill him.
Then she was going to kill the fox.
Then she was going to burn the entire, stupid, celestial internet to the ground.
**
Li Wei, blissfully unaware of his impending doom, was trying to decide what to have for breakfast.
His stomach growled.
I could have instant noodles, Yin Mode thought. Or... slightly older instant noodles.
A cold, analytical presence suddenly surfaced.
Negative, Yang Mode's voice cut through the hunger. The current situation is a severe breach of privacy with potential strategic implications.
His eyes flickered with a faint, golden light.
He saw the invisible energy streams flowing from his bathroom mirror.
He saw the faint, shimmering residue of donation magic on his new, fancy toilet paper holder.
We are under surveillance, he calculated. And somehow... being monetized.
He ran a quick, mental calculation of the energy signatures of the donated items.
"The estimated market value of these unsolicited upgrades is approximately 78,000 celestial spirit stones," he murmured out loud. "Our income per minute is currently exceeding that of most minor deities' yearly tithes."
He looked at his own reflection in the still-broadcasting mirror.
This is a security risk, he concluded. But it is also... a very lucrative business opportunity.
**
The mortal security guard, a tired man named Frank, was doing his rounds.
He passed Li Wei's dorm.
And paused.
He couldn't see anything.
But he could feel it.
A strange, buzzing energy.
And he could hear faint, whispering voices that seemed to come from everywhere at once.
"Do a flip!"
"Eat the old noodles!"
"Take your shirt off again!"
Frank just shook his head.
"Kids these days and their weird TikToks," he grumbled, and kept walking.
**
Li Wei, now fully dressed in his ridiculously fancy hoodie, finally realized what was happening.
He saw the faint, shimmering lens of a magical camera in his bathroom mirror.
He was being watched.
His life, his stupid, clumsy, and intensely private life, was being broadcast to the entire supernatural world.
The violation was a cold, sharp shock.
His face went pale.
He felt naked. Exposed.
A specimen in a cosmic zoo.
Feng Yue, watching from her own room, her rage momentarily forgotten, felt a pang of genuine sympathy.
She knew what it was like to live in a fishbowl, to have your every move scrutinized.
But this was worse.
This was a violation of his very self.
And then, she admitted something to herself.
A small, secret, and deeply embarrassing truth.
She couldn't stop watching.
Seeing him like this, unguarded, unburdened by destiny, just being his normal, idiotic, shower-singing self...
It was addictive.
It was the most real, most authentic thing she had ever seen.
**
The viewer count on Xiao Bai's stream ticked over.
99,999.
Then... 100,000.
A new, golden notification popped up on her screen, a sound like a heavenly choir singing a cash register sound effect.
[CONGRATULATIONS, STREAMER!]
[You have reached 100,000 concurrent viewers!]
[DIVINE INFLUENCER STATUS: UNLOCKED]
[Broadcasting a notification to all registered deities in the celestial pantheon...]
Xiao Bai's eyes went wide.
Oh no.
This was either the best thing or the worst thing that had ever happened to her.
Across all of Heaven, on every divine jade tablet, a message appeared.
It was a push notification.
From the universe itself.
[The mortal you are all secretly obsessed with is now LIVE. Tap here to watch.]
The Jade Emperor, who was in the middle of a very important meeting about cosmic tax law, looked at his tablet.
He tapped.
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