"AND GET THIS, GET THIS, SABUKO — THEY BOTH GAVE ME THEIR LUNCHES, AND THEN KAKASHI-SENSEI GOT ALL SCARY, BUT THEN HE PASSED US ALL!" Naruto screeched, having just inhaled his second bowl of ramen at Ichiraku's.
"Sounds like one hell of a test." Sabuko scratched his head before slurping his noodles.
"AND THEN...!" Naruto raised his finger, but then paused, as if distracted by it.
"...?"
"Hmmm..." Naruto narrowed his eyes at his fingers and started counting.
'What's he doing now?' Sabuko thought, taking another slurp.
"7... 8... 9... 10!? 11!? 12!!"
'!??!' Sabuko raised an eyebrow as Naruto grinned, then spun on his stool.
"SABUKO! That Kakashi-sensei's not so smart after all! He said only nine of us would become Genin out of 27 graduates! But there's twelve!" Naruto turned back around, grinning even wider.
"Haha, I bet that bastard thought we'd fail! I can't wait to throw it in his face later."
'Ah.' Sabuko deadpanned. 'I moved another rock... FUCK.'
Sabuko started to sweat.
'I've been too overzealous. Not that I had a choice...' He stared at his reflection in the broth.
'But I'm changing the canon. Bit by bit. Naruto never kissed Sasuke. Now he's all buddy-buddy with me. What if he stops being hungry about the Hokage stuff?! Then he stops wanting to get stronger... Then the world is fucked!'
"N-Naruto," Sabuko cleared his throat. "You still wanna be Hokage, right?"
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DO, AND I WILL — YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!" Naruto shouted. "I'll become Hokage and make everyone acknowledge me!"
"And surpass Sasu... uhm, that Sasuke bastard?"
"I'MMA SURPASS HIM SO HARD HE WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO SEE ME, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!" Naruto looked positively enraged.
'... Guess I better believe it.'
Sabuko exhaled and took another slurp.
'Still, I can't be this careless. From now on: minimal influence, minimal intervention with the canon.'
Then his face slowly twisted into a crooked grin.
'And... HhehehehHHe... And develop my Mommy Harem no Jutsu hehehehe.....'
Naruto leaned slightly away as he saw Sabuko's expression.
"Creepy..." Naruto commented, narrowing his eyes while slightly cringing, "You've got the same face Iruka-sensei makes whenever I use my Sexy Jutsu, you better believe it..."
"Ah, I was just thinking about perfecting the Sexy Jutsu and using it to destroy my enemies," Sabuko said, turning to him.
"Speaking of which, Naruto."
"Hm?" Naruto tilted his head.
"Use the Sexy Jutsu on Kakashi next time you have to fight him. Pretty sure he's weak to it."
"H... He is!?"
------ ELSEWHERE ------
Kakashi felt a chill run down his spine as he read his novel.
"!!!"
'I can feel it...' Kakashi put the novel down, looking left.
Then right.
Narrowing his eyes.
'My life is now in grave danger..!'
----------------------------
'NOW I won't interfere with the canon more than I have to. Consider that payback for earlier, bastard.' Sabuko smirked wickedly.
'WHICH reminds me...'
"Uhm, Naruto. Have you started doing missions with your team yet?"
"Oh! Nope, not until like, next week. Then Kakashi-sensei said we'll start doing C and D-rank missions," Naruto said. "BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, I'MMA BE DOING S-RANKS IN LIKE A MONTH!"
'Alright. Since I'm not on their team, and all the major events went as they should, the Zabuza arc should follow suit.'
Sabuko watched Naruto turn his attention back to the counter.
'I hate how he gets "taught" there, and how Kakashi handles everything, buuuut, it's part of the canon. Minimal interference. World's at stake, butterfly effect. Yada yada.'
Sabuko leaned on his elbows.
'I've got my own problem to handle, anyway.'
------ ONE DAY EARLIER ------
"I'll be blunt, Sabuko," Asuma said, standing over the panting, sweat-soaked boy. "Your taijutsu isn't just lacking. It's unfit for our team. Or any team."
Sabuko looked down, too out of breath to answer.
"I'm sorry if that's harsh." Asuma knelt in front of him. "But I can't train you to an acceptable level before we start missions about a week from now."
"I... haaah... wanna be... a Genin...!"
'Else, I'mma be homeless!'
"I know." He patted Sabuko's shoulder. "And with your mind and your ninjutsu, you will be. I'm sure of it."
Sabuko looked up at him.
"But Sabuko, you can't jump higher than my head. You can't do a flip. You can't throw a proper punch. At that level, you're a danger to yourself and to your teammates."
Sabuko felt the strength drain from his legs as Bolo's words replayed in his head.
"That's part of why I tested your taijutsu without the others here. I didn't want them being unnecessarily harsh about this."
'Fuck. Fuck... I hate it.' Sabuko clenched his teeth and looked away. 'But it makes sense. What am I supposed to do now!? If I'm not a Genin, I'mma lose my place with the Brugers!'
"You WILL be a Genin!" Asuma said, as if he'd read his mind, giving him a firm shake that forced Sabuko to meet his eyes again.
"Just not this year. And that's okay, too." He smiled.
Sabuko bit his lip and looked away again.
'I'll just tell him. I'll just tell him why he should keep me a Genin for just a bit longer.'
"Asuma-Sensei—"
Sabuko then saw his eyes, and his smile.
'....'
"C'mon," Asuma then said, "I'll take you out for some BBQ. Just the two of us!"
Sabuko looked down again.
'... Just fuck this guy. Fuck off.'
Asuma clapped him on the back and walked with him.
---------------------
'This world keeps reminding me,' Sabuko lowered his chopsticks, 'My life is not a part of the Naruto canon. Good fortune and power aren't spoon-fed to me on a golden platter like they are to this world's protagonist.'
His fist clenched.
'I just wanna get fucked stupid by my own clones. I'm a freak that gets lumped with the other side characters that die off along the way.'
"... I'm full, Naruto," Sabuko said flatly.
"Eh?"
Sabuko had already turned to leave, a few coins left behind on Ichiraku's counter.
"S-... Sure... See you later, Sabuko," Naruto said, scratching his head as he watched Sabuko fade into the Konoha night.
It didn't take long before Sabuko ran into him.
"... Sabuko."
Bolo-sensei, standing right in his path.
"...."
"I heard from Asuma. He's recommended to the Hokage that you be pulled from the Genin roster on the day mission assignments are handed out," Bolo said.
"...." Sabuko exhaled. "Came to rub it in?"
"No." Bolo folded his arms. "I came to say that I didn't agree to pass you just so you could immediately fail."
"Well, shit." Sabuko chuckled. "Maybe go say that to Asuma and suck my... I mean, praise me in front of him or something."
"LANGUAGE. And it's ASUMA-SENSEI," Bolo corrected firmly. "... What did he tell you, exactly?"
"..."
Sabuko sighed.
"That I'm not fit to be a Genin this year."
"Then he's right." Bolo shrugged, turned around, and walked away.
"...."
Sabuko's eye twitched.
"THE FUCK am I supposed to do!?" he burst out. "He's my team leader!"
Bolo whipped his head around.
And narrowed his eyes at him.
'... Why's he looking at me like I'm a retarded mute?'
Bolo kept staring.
A few seconds passed.
"You seriously don't understand why I'm looking at you like you're an idiot?"
"No?"
"Haaah... I expected you of all people to see this but alright," Bolo adjusted his glasses after a deep sigh, "... Listen, Sabuko Kanto. Because I'm only going to say this once."
"I'll try this whole 'be your teacher' thing you so bravely preached at me about, since you apparently can't figure this out on your own."
"?" Sabuko tilted his head.
"Forget the fact that I was your original team leader, and that you challenged me to a fight and WON." Bolo rolled his eyes.
"... The fact remains." Bolo straightened himself, "I was wrong about you."
He pointed at Sabuko.
"So who says Asuma-sensei is any smarter, or any more RIGHT, than I was?"
"...." Sabuko scratched his head. "Uh, he can remember his quotes better?"
"Brat! I'm trying to help you here!" he snapped.
He cleared his throat. "That aside, you taught me Jōnin can be wrong."
Sabuko narrowed his eyes.
"Thanks? But he's still my superior." Sabuko raised his eyebrow, "What, should I challenge him to a duel too?"
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF—" Bolo exploded.
"YOU HAVE A WEEK AND TAIJUTSU SO BAD IT'S GETTING YOU KICKED OFF A TEAM!"
He started shouting loudly enough that people on the street turned to stare.
"AHHHH, IF ONLY KONOHA HAD A JŌNIN WHO SPECIALIZED IN TAIJUTSU EVEN MORE THAN ASUMA-SENSEI! SOMEONE WHO COULD ACTUALLY HELP YOU! GOD, FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY!!"
"...." Sabuko narrowed his eyes.
A few seconds passed.
"....!!!" His eyes went wide. "OH SHIT HOW DID I NOT—"
"AHHH, I FEEL DISGUSTED," Bolo growled, already stomping away.
"Grr, in the Hokage's name... to think I'd betray my own values this much," he muttered
'That Bolognese,' Sabuko stared at Bolo's retreating back. 'He's not so bad after all!! I know exactly what to do!'
------ FIVE MINUTES LATER ------
A knock sounded at the door.
"PLEASE TEACH ME TAIJUTSU WHENEVER YOU CAN," Sabuko yelled, bowing deeply the moment it opened—
"MIGHT GUY-SENSEI!!"
"... OOOH!!!" Guy's eyes blazed.
"SUCH VIBRANT YOUTH!!"