A frail young man with pale skin and a sleep-deprived expression sat on a worn wooden barstool with an old black leather seat. As he shifted his weight, the stool creaked softly beneath him.
A dim oil lamp flickered above the counter, its weak light barely reaching him through the haze of smoke. Still, it was enough.
Enough to remind him of the flames he hated more than anything.
For a brief moment, his gaze lingered on the light. Then he looked away.
The bar was dimly lit, filled with the low murmur of countless voices. Glasses clinked, chairs scraped against the wooden floor, and somewhere in the distance, someone coughed.
In the background, a group of men laughed loudly, far too loudly. Their voices cut through everything else. It was sharp and careless.
Severian did not look at them.
"The strongest drink you have," he muttered, placing a handful of coins on the counter. They scattered slightly as they landed, the metallic sound rang briefly but clearly.
The burly bartender glanced at him, thick eyebrows knitting together as he studied the young man's unfocused eyes. For a moment, it seemed like he wanted to ask something. Perhaps he had seen something like this before. Perhaps he already understood.
But he did not ask.
Without a word, he turned, grabbed a bottle, and took a glass with his other hand. Then he poured the drink in silence. A solemn stillness settled between them as the glass was slowly filled to the brim.
Severian did not move at first. He simply watched the liquid settle, the faint reflection of flickering light trembling across its surface and something stirred within him.
He gulped the liquor down and the glass was empty a second later.
He grabbed the second glass the bartender had already placed down and swallowed it just as quickly. Then the third.
The fourth burned like hell, tearing through his unaccustomed throat. His fingers tensed slightly around the glass, but his face remained blank.
Behind him, the laughter continued.
"Kids running around all day... just being kids..."
For a brief moment, Severian's hand froze.
Children.
Running.
Laughing.
Screaming.
His mother's voice.
Cut short.
Fire.
His jaw tightened as another memory surfaced, sharp and sudden. For a moment, he hesitated. Then he forced it down and finished the drink.
After the fourth shot, and after receiving a few quiet, concerned glances from the bartender, Severian ignored the man entirely. He reached into his pocket, pulled out the rest of his coins, and tossed them onto the counter with a dull clatter.
For a moment, his hand lingered there. Then he pulled it back.
He stood up, the barstool creaking louder this time. No one stopped him. No one cared.
He walked toward the door, each step steady, yet heavy. As he pushed it open, the hinges let out a faint creak.
The cold night air hit him instantly. It was a stark contrast. It cut through the lingering warmth of the bar, sharp and merciless.
He paused in the doorway for just a moment. Not long. Just enough to feel it. That faint hesitation inside him. That small, stubborn piece that still hoped.
Nothing happened and he stepped outside. The door closed behind him with a dull, final sound.
After all... his life was ending soon anyway.
The street was quiet, almost empty. Once again, he felt alone, just as he had so many times before. Only a few dim, flickering lantern posts remained to keep him company on what would likely be his final walk. Their light felt unstable, as if it could vanish at any moment.
The wind moved slowly through the narrow street, carrying with it the faint echo of voices from the bar behind him. Already fading.
Then a smell entered his nose and his breath caught for a moment.
His mind felt hazy, his legs weak from the alcohol, but he forced himself forward. The ground beneath his feet was rough, scattered with loose stones and cracks that made each step uncertain.
He stumbled, caught himself, and kept going.
Ten minutes.
That was all it took to reach his destination.
The cliff.
He had been here once before. He had already tried once and failed.
"I can't even kill myself..."
His voice was quiet and bitter. He let out a hollow breath, almost a laugh, but without any humor.
"After being so useless my whole life, I can't even end it."
Pathetic, that word represented him the best. He stumbled over a loose stone and tripped. His knees hit the ground hard, sinking slightly into the damp mud. The impact did not hurt much. Or perhaps he simply could not feel it anymore.
Tears streamed down his face, slowly blurring his vision.
For a moment, he did not move.
He looked like a defeated soldier. One who had already accepted his end. And if he was honest with himself, there was not much difference.
The only difference was that he could choose when it ended.
Slowly, he pushed himself up. His hands trembled, his breathing uneven.
"I guess I can't even die like a man..." he whispered hoarsely.
His father had not been afraid in his final moments. Even as the flames consumed him, he had still managed to smile.
That memory hurt more than any blade ever could.
Severian wiped his face, his entire body trembling. He took a step forward. Then another.
Only one step away, only one step away.
He told himself again and again as he finally reached the edge of the cliff.
Below him, there was nothing but darkness. The only thing he could barely make out was the outline of rocks far beneath.
The wind howled here, stronger and colder. And still... he was afraid.
"Just jump," he told himself.
"Do it."
But his body refused to move.
Five seconds passed.
Ten.
Fifteen.
His chest tightened as another wave of despair washed over him. Each breath felt heavier than the last.
"I can't..."
"Father... why did you leave me..."
He hoped for an answer but was only met with the silence of the dark night.
"Why am I so pathetic..."
"Why can't I just be happy..."
For a long time, he just stood there, shaking.
Then he screamed.
"OR WHY CAN'T I JUST BE DEAD!"
Something inside him snapped. He stepped forward and jumped.
The wind roared around him as his body fell faster and faster. Tears streamed down his face as everything blurred together.
"I'm sorry, father..."
"I am sorry."