The morning sun filtered through the grimy window of my room felt like a personal insult. My body, still screaming from the previous day's divine confrontation and mayoral assault, vehemently disagreed with the concept of being awake. But the memory of Seraphine's hammer whistling past my face was a more potent alarm clock than any rooster.
I need to get a grip on my powers. Specifically, I needed something between "Cure Wounds" and "Summon an eldritch horror". A middle ground. Some Spell or Spells that could stop a charging inquisitor without turning them into a human meteor, needing an elaborate setup or a doctoral thesis on contractual law to deploy. And I need it in advance, so that I won't desperately try to yell anything in the heat of the moment.
Alaric and Elaina were still asleep. A note below Boldwyn's door stated "away until midday". As for the swordsman and the wizard... I bet they were dreaming of paperwork and chain-based deities. I crept downstairs, where the innkeeper was already nervously polishing a glass behind the bar. He jumped when he saw me.
"O-oh! Your, uh, Saintliness! A good morning to you! C-can I get you anything? Breakfast? A blessing? A written affidavit confirming you didn't break anything last night?"
"Just some peace and quiet", I mumbled, my voice still gravelly with sleep. "And... you wouldn't happen to have a spare piece of parchment and a quill? I need to... jot some divine revelations down."
It was an obvious lie, but he bought it instantly. His eyes widened with reverence.
"Of course! One moment!
He scurried into a back room and returned with a small, leather-bound book. It looked well-made, but completely unused.
"My diary. I never... found the time. Or anything worth writing about... I would rather not write what happened yesterday, too! Please, use it! It would be an honor!"
I felt a pang of guilt. This was theft, plain and simple. But then I remembered the absolute circus my life had become and figured a borrowed diary would be the least of my problems.
"I'll return it soon enough", I said, which was probably another lie.
"Keep it! It's a gift!", he insisted, bowing slightly.
Great. Now I'm a thief. A saintly, otherworldly, diary-thieving support. My legacy is immaculate.
Despite that, I pocket the book and leave the inn. I need a "lab"... and the perfect one was right outside. I made my way to the edge of the colossal crater left by Alaric and Seraphine's clash. It was a desolate wasteland of shattered cobblestone and packed earth... one could say it was some kind of sundered wasteland... I'll see myself out. Wait, right, I'm already out.
The crater is a grim reminder of the power I will be up against in the future... but its sheer size and isolation made it perfect. No one would care if I messed up a landscape that was already thoroughly messed up.
I settled on a relatively flat piece of ground near the center, opened the diary on the first page and penned the title at the top: "Kyle Big Book of 'WhatThe Hell Does This Even Do?!'" After a second, I added another line: "Volume 1". And then another: "Probably the Only Volume if I Mess Up".
While I was eager to start experimenting, I first decided to write down the list of spells I've already used. It will help in the future... I hope. At least, it will clear my mind a bit.
-Cure Wounds: Heals all injuries on target. Can resurrect the target, I guess only if they died from wounds. Can be used from a distance. Not just for papercuts. Stupidly overpowered, and in team vs team scenario, it's a go-to spell.
-Haste: Increases target's speed by roughly 2 times. Can stack infinitely, multiplicative. Do NOT use more than 3 times on a living target unless I want a corpse cooked from air friction.
-Slow: Same as Haste, but vice versa. Actually, worse than Haste, since I can't immolate people using Slow. Besides, Hold spells do this, but about 10 times better.
-Spare the Dying: Seems to make target unable to die for some time. Doesn't heal wounds, but stabilizes the mind. If I apply it on self and cast Cure Wounds when needed = immortality? Needs testing (on someone else).
-Shield: Manifests a barrier. Blocked a god's attack and almost stopped Seraphine's hammer, but broke frpm both. Were the chains weaker because it was just an avatar? Or does the power scale with the threat level? Seems to completely stop weaker enemies.
-Darkvision: Grants dark vision. Crazy. Stackable, but it just makes everything worse if stacked.
-Dispel Magic: Ends effects of all magic on target. Works on my own Spells. Essential for cleaning up messes. I wonder if I can dispel only the spells I want.
-Fly: You wouldn't believe what this one does. It doesn't, however, stop me from suffocating if I fly too high. Very limited usage.
-Holy Weapon: Makes any object I hold incredible sharp. I even managed to combat Seraphine's attacks with it!
-Enhance Ability: Makes the next spell target casts more powerful. Effects may vary. Elaina's Fireball became just stronger, while enhanced Holy Weapon erased a tree from existence.
-Bless: I have actually no idea what it does. Requires further testing.
-Hold Person/Creature/Monster: Makes the target unable to move a muscle. Probably prevents speaking, too. Seemingly doesn't require concentration, so I shall be able to use it on multiple targets, consecutively.
-Lesser/Greater Restoration: Cures "conditions", however what classifies as a condition is vague. It can cure being in presence of a god, but it cannot cure hunger or headaches.
-Silence: I shall be capable of casting it... but I would rather not test it, or I may silence myself again, and then all experimentation will just not happen.
-Dimension Door: Teleports to a location that isn't too far away. I need to say the name of the location and roughly understand how the surroundings look. Just a shorter version of Teleport, really.
-Slow Fall: Makes me capable of controlling the speed of my fall. Hype moments and aura Spell.
--HIGH LEVEL SPELLS, PROCEED WITH CAUTION--
-Force Cage: Creates a force cage around target. I can't confirm the durability, as there wasn't any enemy. Besides, it's useless, I can just cast a Hold Person on enemy and achieve an even better immobilization.
-Regenerate: Regenerates lost limbs. Apparently, very painful.
-Plane Shift: Teleports target to another world. I can't use it to return to Earth, so it's useless... unless I get trapped in some different dimension, that is.
-Demiplane: Creates... or teleports me into the same... anyways, it's a world where I can do anything. I could destroy and create stars, make buildings, and probably so much more. I would say it "requires further testing", but I would prefer to not use it, as if it is a high-level spell.
-Gate: Opens a gate to anywhere, in any world. I can't use it to return to Earth, so it's almost useless. It cuts objects it opens within like a circular saw, so it can be used offensively.
-Wish: Presumingly grants a wish. However, if I were to guess, it requires someone to answer my call and grant my wish. Last time it just made an eldritch deity look at me. DO NOT USE.
Much better, all organized... even if not in a very formal or scientific language. Alright, let's get to the science. I am not the scientist, but I know the correct scientific method. Step 1: Have a stupid idea. Step 2: Yell the stupid idea. Step 3: Observe the catastrophic results or lack thereof. Step 4: Take notes. The crater was my canvas, and I was about to paint it with questionable decisions and unintended consequences.
I flipped to a fresh page of stolen – I mean, borrowed – diary and got ready to write. First on my list was a classic: Mage Hand. The invisible, spectral hand that could move small objects. Basic utility. In D&D, it was about as exciting as a tax form... actually, in this city it is probably very exciting. I focused on a chunk of rubble about 10 meters away.
"Mage Hand."
A faint, transparent outline of a blue hand materialized in the air next to the rock. It wobbled uncertainly. I willed it to grasp the stone. The spectral fingers phased through the rock. Uhm... I concentrated harder. This time, the hand solidified, clenched and lifted the rock with ease. Okay, good. Standard stuff. Now, let's see the funnier application...
"Mage Hand. Mage Hand. Mage Hand."
I cast it 3 more times in a rapid succession. 3 more shimmering hands popped into existence around the first. Unfortunately, I was still focused on that rock, so all of them reached for it. Instead of phasing through each other, they began awkwardly grappling with the stone and each other, playing a chaotic, transparent tug-of-war. The rock shot into the air, propelled by conflicting forces and then pummeled down, shattering on the impact.
I wrote down:
-Mage Hand: Creates a hand that can grab and lift objects way heavier than I can. Stacks, but I probably shouldn't. Although, the stacking has potential for... aggressive fumbling? Probably can be used in combat, but hands are too small to actually crash the enemies.
I shrugged and willed the hands to disappear. So, they did. Now that I think of it, just yesterday, I played a doctor, and right now, I had 4 additional hands that could be away from me. I'll go cast as Doctor Octopus next time they film a movie.
Next on the chopping block was another all-time classic: Light. Simple illumination.
"Light."
A soft glow that radiated no heat appeared nearby me. I could freely control its position, as well as the light. It was white, then it was red, then blue, then pink, then green, then... black? Ok, that just removes light. No black holes? It didn't even create a supernova star. For some reason, I felt disappointment. If I were to guess, casting it multiple times would just make it brighter, without actually making it hot. For the sake of my eyes, I decided to not test it.
-Light: Makes a small source of light that I can freely control. Useful, but also boring. Potentially, stacked Light can be used for signaling aircraft that doesn't exist or blinding enemies. The latter seems more reasonable.
Time for more utility. Prestidigitation... I hate this word, I always fumble when I try to say it out loud. It probably means it won't be useful, but I can try, right? Normally, it cleans soiled objects, warms up food, creates minor sensory effects... and does basically anything the DM feels at the moment. Ultimate "party trick". Surely this one can be broken. Surely. I focus on my dusty, travel-worn robes.
"Prestigit- Presdi- Prestigitita- P-p-pres- Prestidigitation!"
Oh, god, I hate this spell already! What I hate even more is that the dirt and grime vanished instantly. My robes looked freshly laundered. Nice. Very nice. I pointed at a small, withered weed poking through the rubble.
"Prestidigitation", I said after a few tries.
The weed perked up, its color returning to vibrant green for a second before withering again. The spell's effect was temporary... or was less effective on organic life. Alright. Now, what if I really want this particular spot clean?
"Prestidigitation. Presdi- Prestigiti- Prestidigitation. Prestidigitation..."
I lost count after about 20 consecutive casts... maybe less, if I misspelled it once or twice. The result was a bit excessive. The ground started cleaning from itself, removing layers of stone, burrowing down, forming a mini-crater in the middle of a big crater. A perfect, smooth, glassy, hemispherical crater about a meter wide. It was so clean it reflected the sky like a mirror, despite being dirt. I poked it. It was harder than steel.
-Prestidigitation: Removes dirt. When used multiple times, also removes the substance on which dirt was, creating a non-stick, ultra-hard, perfectly smooth surface. I have accidentally created a fantasy Teflon. Do not use on enemies, since to get any meaningful effect it requires about 20 casts... and I can't say that word in a row multiple times.
Alright then. Another staple. Comprehend Languages. It makes me able to speak any language.
"Comprehend Languages."
Nothing happens. Yeah, duh. I already can comprehend this world's languages. Of course, it did nothing.
That was good and all, but... it was all useful utility, but I still lacked something to use defensively, let alone offensively. I need something... more decisive. I need something with more... bite. Something that says "stop hitting yourself", but in a literal way. My mind drifts to a Spell that is direct opposite of Bless... the same Bless I was still unable to test properly. Eh, whatever. Bane. A simple curse that makes a target more likely to fail. In my mind, I already picture stacking Bane inflicting existential dread onto the enemy...
I scan the crater for a suitable test subject. My eyes land on a precariously balanced pillar of rubble, the last standing remnant of some poor guy's house. Perfect. An inanimate target can't complain about ethical violations.
"Bane."
Nothing happens. Of course. It needs a living target. A non-living pile of garbage can't fail if it doesn't do anything. That was dumb. I need a living thing, but not a person... my eyes dart around the desolate crater. Nothing. Not a bird, not a bug, not even a rat. This place is deader than Alaric's parents... fine. I'll have to volunteer as a test subject for myself. I am so proud of you Kyle! This is a profoundly stupid idea, I am very well aware of it. But science demands a sacrifice! Mostly the sacrifice of my safety and, if someone saw me right now, dignity.
"Bane."
This time, I focus on myself. A purple aura shimmers around me. I don't feel any different. Guess the existential dread idea was wrong. Unfortunate. Alright, now I need to test it. I pick up a small rock. I need to fail at throwing it. I take aim at a larger chunk of wall about 20 meters away. I wind up... and throw!
The rock flies from my hand with unnatural, perfect accuracy. It doesn't just hit the wall, it strikes a specific slightly protruding brick with a sharp crack, chipping it. I stare, dumbfounded.
"Wait... what?"
I try again. I find a flat piece of slate. I hope to fail to break it over my knee. I bring it down. Instead of snapping, the slate bends like rubber before springing back into shape, unharmed.
A slow, maniacal grin spreads across my face. I see. It's not making me fail. It's making me fail in failing. I wished to fail, and such, I succeeded. If I genuinely planned on hitting snapping the slate, it would probably break my knee... this Spell doesn't weaken the target, it twists their actions into the worst possible outcome for them, the direct opposite of the intent. If I cast it on Seraphine as she swings her hammer... the implications are glorious. And terrifying. I decide not to stack it, while I am the test subject.
-Bane: Makes it so that the target's next few actions backfire in the most spectacularly unfortunate way possible. Casting it on an enemy and then doing nothing might be the most powerful offensive move I have. NEEDS FIELD TESTING. URGENTLY.
Before I continue, I cast Dispel Magic on myself, removing the Bane. If Bane is about making an enemy's action backfire, I need something that directly impedes them. Right, Entangle. Vines and plants will erupt from the ground and restrain foes... but we are in a barren crater of packed earth and shattered stone. What would that even do? Given I don't have a target, I volunteer again.
"Entangle."
The ground at my feet ruptures. But it's not the vines that burst from. It's chains. Thick, rusted, iron chains that writhe like serpents from the broken cobblestones, clattering and scraping against each other, as well as against my body. I barely can move, but it doesn't wound or crush me.
"Dispel Magic."
Chains disappear. Interesting. In a city consecrated to the Lord of Chains, even the flora is made of contractual obligation and cold iron.
-Entangle: Causes... something erupt from the ground and halt a target. Context-sensitive. In Othburten, summons grasping chains. Probably useful. But then again, Hold Person does the same, but 10 times better.
I flipped the page as my mind buzzed with possibilities. I had some other Spells I wanted to use, all of which were below level 7. I also really wanted to try 1 level 7 spell... Regenerate didn't instantly attract gaze of that recursive eye thing, so it should be fine... but first, Illusory Terrain, as known as Hallucinatory Terrain. In theory, it should create an illusion that changes the appearance of terrain. But given my track record, "illusion" was probably just a suggestion. But first, I needed to envision it.
"Fly. Dimension Door... uh... to a spot 1000 meters upwards."
I teleport around a kilometer into the air and hang there, held by the Fly spell. I can still breathe here well enough. The ugly scar Seraphine and Alaric left on the city was still clearly visible. Maybe I could... help? I didn't exactly want to make Dyeyong's job easier, but at least it would make it less of an eyesore.
I extend my hand towards the crater, envisioning a perfectly flat ground at the same level as the rest of the city, instead of crater. Then, I start add details to it. From flat surface, I imagine cobblestoned plaza. Of course, I didn't just want an image of a smooth, cobblestoned plaza. I wanted it to be a smooth, cobblestoned plaza.
"Illusory Terrain".
The effect wasn't subtle. The ground started expanding, as if someone was bending it in 3D model editor, creating a landscape for a new map. Low, grinding rumble echoed across the district. I'm glad it was deserted, otherwise I would instantly attract a crowd. The edges of the crater smoothed, as the bottom of the crater rose, filling the empty space. After it became perfectly smooth, some flat stones rose slightly from it, making roads with the cut-off roads at the edges of the crater. In less than a minute, where there was a devastated warzone, there was not a vast, flat and nigh-featureless public square. It was so clean and new it looked utterly alien amidst the still-ruined buildings surrounding it.
I... honestly was expecting it, yet I still stared, my jaw agape. But I... I needed to verify it.
"Dimension Door... 700 meters down."
I teleported down and lowered my body, standing firmly on a newly-restored road. It wasn't an illusion. It was a permanently-altered landscape. And all it took was a bit of imagination and magic words... maybe I shouldn't cast as a movie star, but start a construction company once I'm back at Earth. The diary felt heavy in my hands.
-Illusory/Hallucinatory Terrain: Completely alters terrain according with what I envision. Limits unknown. Probably has the range within my eyesight, or some arbitrary number. Likely doesn't affect living beings.
Huh... given I was the one who made it, perhaps I should erect myself a monument? I envision a statue of my humble self, as I speak again:
"Illusory Terrain!"
The stone starts rising into a vague humanoid figure... and stops. Hm. I guess this spell can't exactly create elaborate shapes. Only rough things. I use Illusory Terrain again, removing that ugly sculpture.
I was emboldened by my sudden career in urban renewal. The Lord Mayor will not have one less thing to fix... he owes me another one. Not that I'd ever collect. Heh. What am I now? A god? To think about it, I can summon chains, I can make people unable to move... I can't press people with my presence, though. Lord of Chains: 1, Kyle: 0. I lost a game I wasn't even playing. That takes skill. Back to divine thoughts, huh... yeah, I definitely shall try that Spell...
Summon Celestial. A Level 7 Spell. Level of Spells that I outlined as "not to use", but... Regenerate was fine, it just made me feel weird... besides, I wanted to know what celestials in this world look like. Maybe I can gather my personal, private army? Given the whole "Saint" thing, that is. Although, maybe, seeing me as a bad Saint, they will try to kill me. Eh, nothing a simple Dispel can't fix, right? I raise my hand upwards, starting to feel warm light on me. Alright. Heaven, hear my cry!
"Summon Celestial!"
A pillar of soft, golden light descended from the clear sky, striking the center of my newly created plaza. The church-like choir rings in my ears, as 3 humanoid figures in Greek-like robes descend in that light column. Tall and graceful, with feathered wings folded behind their backs, 3 angels descend and stand in front of me... yeah, it looks like generic angels from a low-budget religious movie. At least wings looked natural, and not papercraft. Their bodies looked very fragile, as if a single nudge could make them fall down. They slightly bowed their heads.
"We are here to aid you, servant of the light", one of them said in a pleasant, echoing choir.
The worst part of that all is that the sound of church organ was not stopping, despite they were already touching the ground.
"Hm... may I wonder, which god do you serve?", I need to make sure, I wouldn't want to interact with The Price more than necessary.
They looked confused. Did I say... something wrong?
"Uhm... right... god... uhm...", the angel that spoke before was clearly thinking very hard. "We, angels, serve the holy light itself, rather than a heretic impersonating a deity."
Riiiiiiight... just tell me you don't know it yourself. Probably they just serve some vague idea they themselves have no knowledge about.
"Okay... can you help me in combat, then? What abilities do you have? Immolating pillars of light? Fire swords? Banishing people to hell?", I asked, not expecting much.
"How can you say so, oh reverend Harmony Adept?! Angels wouldn't dare lay a hand on a living being, no matter how evil it is!"
I wasn't expecting much. I was still disappointed. This was a celestial being? Seriously? They are completely useless!
"Right", I said. "Okay. You guys stay here, let me try that again. Enhance Ability. Summon Celestial."
Another ray of golden light appeared... and then cracked... as the space itself began cracking. Instead of church organ and choir I heard the sound like a million sheets of metal being torn apart. The form that appeared was not humanoid.
From the cracks in space, I saw an eye. As the rift enlarged, I saw a swirling, terrifying mass of intersecting rings, covered in countless eyes that blinked in nauseating, unsynchronized patterns. The space between the rings was filled with the light that burned with the intensity of a newborn star, and the whole thing hummed with a frequency that made my teeth ache and my sanity ache.
"The big boss is here!", said one of humanoid angels, as all 3 of them hid behind me from that thing.
The spatial rift covered in more cracks, preparing for the ophanim-like celestial to truly enter this world. It spoke in a voice that wasn't a voice, and directly manifested in the core of my being, imparting knowledge that would have taken a million lifetimes to learn and simultaneously unraveling the very concept of existence.
"BEHOLD"
I did behold. I beheld so hard I felt my mind starting to liquify, like it was with The Price. That was not an ally. That was a cognitohazard.
"Nope! No, no, no, no, no!", I yelled, covering my eyes and ears. "Dismissal! Dispel Magic! Get out! Please, just go away! I'm not worth! I am being afraid! I won't bear witness! Please, just go away!"
The horrifying, beautiful, mind-shattering construct shrugged its nonexistent shoulders and, with its multi-eyed profound look of disappointment, went deeper into spatial rift... and the spatial rift closed behind it. The pain, as well as the knowledge corrupting my brain... all gone.
"The hell was it?!", I scream, as I turn back at 3 angels.
"That was the... big boss... the most powerful... and the most holy... of us all...", said one, still shivering.
-Summon Celestial: Summons a celestial being. Normally, summons pathetic angels who are completely useless. When enhanced, summons a cognitohazard that can probably end the world by existing. DO NOT ENHANCE. EVER.
That reminded me of that thing that gazed upon me after using Wish... yeah, I was certainly right. I shouldn't use level 7 and above Spells. Ever. I needed a break. Something calm. Something defensive. Something that wouldn't invite cosmic horrors beyond my comprehension, because I am comprehending them, and I do not like it!
"Sanctuary."
A simple Spell that prevents creatures from attacking you... after I cast it, however, a soft, white aura enveloped me. It felt... peaceful. Calm. I felt protected and even... praised? But I needed to test it.
"Hey, wing-man. I know it goes against you, but... can you please punch me? It will be fine, I forgive you in adva-"
"A miracle!", said one of the angels.
"The true divinity was right in front of us all that time!", said the other.
Three angels kneeled in front of me, their heads on the ground.
"Uhm... guys? What are you-"
"They told us that the true god will never return... but I see it now!"
"Forgive us for even standing in your presence!"
"We were unaware of the greatness of you!"
Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Sanctuary doesn't make others "unable to attack me", it makes others praise me like I am a goddamn god! So, from healer I went to structure company CEO, and now to a cult leader? Yeah, maybe in the future, when I will really need some money. Tsk... curiosity, my eternal curse, why do you tend to get the better of me?...
"Sanctuary. Sanctuary."
As the angels started not only kneeling, but actively hitting their heads against the ground... I started to phase into said ground. The hell?! I cast Fly and raised. What... is happening?! I tried to grab one of the angels by the shoulder, but my hand went right through it! No good!
"Dispel Magic! I said Dispel goddamn Magic!"
I fell about 30 centimeters to the ground, no longer phasing through it. Yeah, it... makes sense, I guess. Sanctuary does make me even harder to attack... it protects me from this whole world, by effectively removing me from it! If I used it a few more times I would probably be completely erased from existence!
The angels blinked, shook their heads and looked at each other, slowly rising from the ground. They looked at me with confusion and then disappeared in 3 beams of light. Good. I really didn't want more company now...
-Sanctuary: Creates an aura that is nice to touch. It also makes people see me as a deity. Would be nice when I'll try an identity fraud, pretending to be a newborn god. Stacking slowly removes me from reality, while making people around even more zealous. I could probably guess that if stacked enough, I turn into a body-less, mind-less conceptual object of worship. NEVER. STACK. SANCTUARY.
I sit on the ground. Not only I was cursed, enchained, brainwashed by a biblically accurate angel, but also almost erased from existence. Amazing results. The worst of them all? I still haven't found a Spell I was looking for... but the Sanctuary gave me an idea...