I woke to a strange motion, lying on my back, head rolled to one side. A sharp pain throbbed behind my eyes as loose rows of dirt came into focus.
My body felt weak, it took all my concentration just to lift my head. I regretted it instantly, a sick, heavy feeling sinking in my stomach as I saw.
Hunched over my body, panting like a sick dog, was one of the guards. The front of his helmet lifted, revealing his middling face. I felt nauseous as I watched him, eyes half open, mouth agape. I felt numb, the look of pleasure as he took it from my pain having snapped the final thread holding me together.
"Please...let me go," I begged, eyes pleading as I tried to push him off, but he didn't budge, his weight pressing me down like I was nothing.
Behind him I heard the other guards, laughing amongst themselves, as if this weren't happening. As if I weren't being raped in front of them.
I felt tears rolling down the sides of my cheeks as something warm flooded into me.
Why couldn't they have just killed me. Why were they all so cruel. I realized I was mumbling to myself as the guard spoke.
"What's that?" He sneered, standing to pull his pants back to his waist.
"Fuck...you," I managed, the words burning my throat as I coughed them up.
"Well I'll be," the guard laughed, speaking loudly to the others. "This one really is different." The laughter behind him died down as a new voice spoke up.
"That's enough fucking around, Cedric. Put the bitch in the ground."
"What's your deal then, Simmons? Just having a little fun," Cedric shouted, turning to look at him.
"You a cattle-rights activist now?" he asked, mockingly as he drove his boot into my gut. Pain lanced out, sharp enough to steal the breath from my lungs as I sucked in a gasp, the air gone before I could catch it.
"Some of us only have a few months left on their contracts," the guard said, "Some of us have mouths to feed back home, and don't need to end up in some report over your sadistic bullshit."
"Fine fine, lets get her last words then," he said, drawing a few laughs from the other guards as he leaned in, cupping his ear to mock me. "well my dear, how'd you rate this old boys performance?"
"You don't need her last words, Cedric, she's not a person, and this isn't a fucking execution. Quit fucking around."
The words filled me with rage.
"Such a tiny prick…barely felt it," I managed through ragged breaths.
His face reddened instantly as laughter erupted from the other guards.
"Was it now, try this one on then."
I drew in breath for some final act. To curse or scream or spit at him. Instead, I felt my lungs fail me as something cold pushed into my chest, followed by a pain worse than any I'd ever felt. It came again as I felt him wrench it free. A knife, I realized as I watched him crouch to wipe it on my dress.
He continued to watch me; a sick grin stretched across his face as if admiring his work.
"Ahhh see, that's my favorite right there," he whispered as blood bubbled from my lips with a cough.
"Enough, Cedric, you've had your fun. Now let us put it her in the ground."
So cruel…why were they all so cruel.
My hands gripped at the dirt, searching for something to hold, as I writhed in pain. I saw Cedric stand, turning to argue with the other guard, but their words became muffled as laid there, waiting for my life to end.
All I felt was rage, at Cedric, the Sanctari, the villagers too stupid to understand that any of it was wrong, I hated them all. They'll never pay for any of it, for any of my pain.
I imagined a feeling of peace might wash over me. For a moment I welcomed the idea, as if all my hatred would vanish as I drifted closer to death, but it didn't vanish. It only burned, even as my limbs grew cold all I wanted was some way to hurt them.
I noticed something where I'd squeezed the soil. Something...round. I closed my fingers around it, holding it a moment before realizing what it was.
A seed. One meant for the dead beneath this soil, meant to bloom into the same flowers that turned my mother. Would this change me like the flowers changed her?
I clutched it harder, struggling to feel it through hands numbing from the loss of blood. I thought of my mother, how she turned from the medicine I made her, how strong the creature was that took over her mind.
I thought of Cedric, how he managed to tear a piece from me after I'd already lost my will to live. How he'd enjoyed every part of my suffering. How to them I wasn't even a person. Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. I was too weak to hurt them.
But those creatures...ferals, they weren't weak. I remembered the Sanctari's words, that my mother had ceased to exist when it took over her body. I didn't care at all; I'd die soon anyways.
At least they'll die too.
With all my remaining strength I lifted my hand from the dirt, and with two fingers pushed the seed into my throat. The taste of iron and earth filled my mouth as I swallowed.
Almost immediately I felt it, first in my stomach, then my chest. Like needles, stabbing out in every direction. It was unbearable, but my body was too weak to move, to broken to even cry out in pain as I felt strands push themselves through my body. They felt like molten threads of iron, ripping and burning as they weaved around my bones. I wondered if my mother felt this much pain.
I felt my body spasm as the strands crawled along the inside of my back, wrapping around my spine.
This is it, I thought, as I felt them reach the base of my skull. In a moment I'll be gone.
Too weak to keep them open any longer, I let my eyelids close, my consciousness fading.
Show them...my pain.
Emotions flood my mind, the rage that burned in me overwhelmed by every other feeling I've ever felt, each bringing with it something like a memory. The joy I felt when my father would lift me up, the accomplishment I felt at learning something from my mother, the frustration of losing a game to Rheinan. It felt as if something were plucking the strings of an instrument, testing the sounds, as each feeling came into focus. Finally, it stopped on anger, as if to echo my own, before a new feeling began to grow alongside it. A warm feeling, the kind you'd feel when helping someone, the kind I felt at sharing my rations or caring for my mother.
Is it trying to tell me something? That it wants to help? A sudden realization hit me. Why am I still alive?
I felt hands grip my arms and legs, followed by the sensation of being carried. My eyes snapped open, startling one of the guards. He stumbled backwards, my body falling partly to the ground where he'd dropped me.
"The fuck is wrong with you, Taren? Never seen a dead body before?" asked one of the guards still carrying me.
"She's still alive," Taren snapped back.
My body thudded softly against the dirt as the others dropped me.
"Fucking Cedric, can't even kill someone right." The guard said, crouching to pull a long knife from his boot.
My shoulders stiffened as he approached, fear tightening the muscles in my legs, but another feeling overwhelmed me, drowning out my instinct to run. That strange, helping warmth curled around my thoughts, telling me not to worry.
I stared at the guard, eyes pleading, as he crouched beside me.
"Sorry bout this, love." He said, without a hint of remorse. I closed my eyes as he drove the knife into me, waiting, bracing myself for the cold steel to enter my body...but it never came. Instead, my eyes flicked open, revealing a puzzled expression on his face. I craned my head, joining in his surprise as I saw my own hand clutching his wrist, knife frozen inches over my heart.
He pressed down, grunting and cursing as he leaned in with the full weight of his body, but still the knife wouldn't budge. A new feeling bubbled up inside me, one that wasn't mine. Still, a grin formed on my lips as I felt it coil around my thoughts.
It's laughing...
He slumped back, panting as he looked at me, frustration turning to panic as he turned his efforts to freeing himself.
"Help," he breathed, his legs pushing against my side for leverage as he tried to pry away my fingers with his other hand.
"The hell are you doing, Simmons?" One of them asked, moving closer.
I squeezed tighter, drawing a scream as I felt something crack.
"She's got my arm!" he screamed, kicking at my wildly, desperate to break free. "let…let go," he shouted, a whimper in his voice as the others drew closer to help. I didn't.
Instead I stood, still clutching his wrist, as if he'd meant to pull me to my feet.
The sound was horrible, wet, like freeing a boot from thick mud, as I ripped the arm from his body. I held it up, staring at it for a moment before his screams pulled me from my daze.
How…I barely tugged…
A sharp feeling of danger pushed into my mind. I could only watch, eyes wide, as my body arched backwards, dodging a slash of steel where my head would've been.
That wasn't me…I realized, how much control does it… I abandoned the thought as I caught sight of a third guard charging me, a strange club in his hand, lightning arcing from its tip.
In a panic I hurled the severed arm at his face, marveling at my strength as the force of it knocked him off his feet.
My body felt lighter, a playfulness swimming in me, as I drove the flat of my hand through the guard's neck that nearly took my head. I realized I was laughing as he gurgled at me, eyes wide in terror. A grin tugged at my lips as he slid from my hand, falling lifeless to the dirt, I caught myself.
Are these really my feelings? I asked myself, staring at my blood-soaked hand, allowing the distraction to pull me from the thought of losing control as I marveled at the color. It seemed too vivid, too alive, almost mocking the men dying around me as it traced uneven lines along my arm.
From the corner of my eye I noticed the guard I'd flung the arm at sitting up, he barely managed to sit upright before the sole of my foot met his face, driving his head back into the dirt. I shuddered at the sound, realizing I'd used too much force as his skull caved beneath my heel.
"Ugh," I groaned, trying to shake the mess from my foot.
A quiet whimper drew my attention back to armless guard, what was it…Simon? Sermons? He peered up at me, still kneeling in the dirt where I took his arm, the other clutching the wound where it'd been. He skuttled backwards, pushing off the dirt with his heels as I approached. Tears formed two clean lines down otherwise dirt stained cheeks.
"Pl... Please," he rasped, his eyes begging me, just as mine had begged them.
"Where's Cedric," I demanded. I frowned, letting out a breath as he stared in silence, his jaw trembling.
"Where," I barked, startling myself when the word came louder than expected, shaking the air around me. A chill ran through me as the guard, propped on one arm, collapsed under it, as if the word alone were pressing him into the dirt.
"Village," He groaned, eyes flicking toward his missing arm, "He ran about the time he saw you take this." He flinched as I took a step closer.
"I have...a little girl," I froze at the last word, questioning the rage, the desire to kill building up in my chest. It felt foreign. Do I really want this? I pictured a little girl somewhere being told she'd never see her father again. Who am I to take that away fr-
Before I could finish the thought my hands moved against my will,
"Stop," I shouted, regaining control just as my fingers wrapped around his skull, poised to twist it from his neck.
"I didn't move," he sobbed, confusion in his eyes.
"Not you," I snapped, drawing more confusion as I released my grip, turning to face the village.
It wasn't your choice, I directed at the thing inside me, unsure if it could even hear my thoughts. As if in response, a new feeling surfaced, a kind of anger. Like I'd felt when Rheinan would borrow something of mine only to break it... Irritation?
It's annoyed...with me?
Without warning my arm jerked behind me, catching the guard by the throat where he tried to lunge at me, knife in clutched in the hand still attached to his body. His determined face melted into regret, legs flailing as I hoisted him into the air.
A voice, like that of a child's, surfaced in my thoughts just as my vision began to fade.
Trust, it said, as I felt the guard's throat give way in my hand, and my world went black.