Author's Note: I am not an editor or a professional writer. I will write this and edit it the best I can. I also do not own Uma Musume, which is owned by Cygames. Watch the animes and read the mangas, for they are pretty good. Finally, please enjoy.
Kiwi Note: Yeah yeah let's get to me already.
😘King Wild😝 (and author's) POV:
KiWi: Here I am readers my own section of this lame novel, be glad you are in the presence of me the King of the Wilderness!
Author: Goddammit KiWi, don't call the story lame, and why the heck did you immediately break the fourth wall? You know how hard it was to convince them you were just crazy.
KiWi: Ha! You think I appreciate that dummy author, and why do you not like it when I make fun of the story? Does it hurt your feelings?
Author: Yes, I try to make this as interesting as possible, but try not to be an arrogant douche who thinks he knows everything.
KiWi: Yada Yada Yada, excuses, excuses, we all know you've only done character intro chapters.
Author: Yes, and you're the last one so let's get this over with already, so we can finally get to the next part of it. Now go on introduce yourself.
KiWi: Fine. Hey folks, I'm King Wild a fictional character that looks like an off colored Mejiro McQueen. I was given Gold Ship's personality, while GW was given McQueen's because the author who created the story in the end got either lazy or did it for shits and giggles.
Author: KiWi No! What did I say about making fun of the story? Introduce your character and their backstory! Goddammit, why did I make you this way?
KiWi: Cause no matter how this started you still love me.
The author glares at her and is now contemplating on deleting her and retconning her from the story.
KiWi: Fine! I'll do it.
In a beautiful part of a fantasy city lived a handsome prince living in a tower on top of a gorgeous castle. It reigned over the most beautiful part of the city, and the prince awaiting the day he would be crowned king as his parents had passed enjoyed every day in his tower and city.
Author: Oh you gotta be shitting me.
KiWi: What?
Author: You know what you're doing, if you don't tell it properly I'll have to step in.
KiWi: I don't know what you're talking about I'm telling the story of how I saw it. You can do what you want if you need to, it is your duty as the author to assist your characters.
Author: You wanna do it this way KiWi fine. From now on KiWi will tell her past, but after every paragraph, the true version of KiWi's reality will appear at the bottom emboldened like this, and KiWi will have her mouth zipped shut.
KiWi: Hey, I don't agree with tha… 'ZIPPPP'.
Suddenly a zipper appears over KiWi's mouth and zips it shut.
Author: Okay, now here's what really happened in KiWi's real life.
In the slums of a very old city, lived a runaway orphan. He lived in an empty water tower on top of an abandoned old building no one cared to tear down or sell. He ran away from his abusive foster family, after his parents died, and had to pick pockets and steal in the city daily to survive.
'UNZIP' KiWi who could speak again after trying to protest as I told the truth, but her mouth was zipped just decided to pout like a child and say nothing.
Author: Really you're going to be this immature, can't you just continue so we can get this over with? I don't like to spend time in front of the audience at all, but you forced me to.
KiWi: pouting … hmph! She looked away from me in a childish manner.
The author with an annoyed eerie smile just snapped his fingers, and soon KiWi began to turn to dust like the Avengers in Infinity War. While the memory of her began to fade from everyone's memories.
KiWi: OKAY! OKAY! Damn, can't even care about my feelings on the matter!
The author snapped his fingers again and things went back to like the erasure never happened, and KiWi and reality were back to normal.
Author: That's what I thought! I have no patience for your dumbass nonsense. Now continue the fucking story!
Kiwi still pouting continued her story.
KiWi: The prince was then kidnapped from his tower by mysterious henchmen of an evil corrupt judge who sentenced him to prison. In said prison, he was assaulted daily for being himself, and thrown in his cell daily as the wardens of the prison hated him. There he planned his escape back to the city of freedom that he had missed.
Author: Okay, let's translate that: KiWi was detained by child services and the police and was brought to a judge. Looking at his file where previous doctors diagnosed KiWi with mental health issues put him in an orphanage that specialized in people like her. There thanks to her crazy energy and crazy self she often had to be neutralized and put in her room until she calmed down. Still, he always had plans to run away from the place and return to the streets.
KiWi looked kind of annoyed, which the author figured would seem to happen after every translation so he just ignored her. She soon continued without a fuss.
KiWi: The prince soon decided to go the charismatic route and to psychologically fool them into his side. Still in a twist of fate, they had sent him to a facility where they tried to brainwash him into their puppet and train him to become the perfect pawn. Those fools could not fathom that he would use the facility against them. The prince absorbed the knowledge they gave him, while stealing the forbidden ones, and soon was taught to enhance his physical body. Thanks to his great work of creating an obedient image and fooling those fools even allowed him with a tracker of course to go to chosen places to learn combat skills and parkour skills.
That's when the wardens found a purpose to benefit themselves. They had entered him in a program to face off against other facilities in races like a pet greyhound. He was trained to do different races, such as racing through a short track or races going through wilderness, or even a longer one involving both. There the prince was enhanced using specific food intake and training, which made him stronger and faster. Which was great it would make his escape from the facility easier.
He soon entered the competition and like the good pet greyhound he was he ran each one as fast as he could, through any weather, and through any pain in his body. He was the perfect little doggie for them.
Author: Okay that's a lot so I'll cut in here to do the translation.
KiWi: uhhh… can you at least make my past not so fucking sad as shit. I mean like… 'zip'.
KiWi's mouth was zipped shut again.
Author: KiWi attempted to run away many times, but failed and a tracker was soon put on her… 'Unzip.'
KiWi: Still sad as fuck I see. Why can't you make my past more epic and cool, I think I totally deserve it.
The author was shocked and in disbelief at how KiWi figured out how to unzip her own mouth.
KiWi: What are you looking at big fella, oh I get it you're shocked at how I did that? It's a zipper stupid, you can unzip it.
'Snap.'
KiWi was soon put in a noise-canceling glass box that she can breathe in.
Author: He soon realized he couldn't escape that way so he decided to behave and try to get out another way. Still seeing that he had calmed down somewhat he was soon sent to school. In the guise of gathering information, he began studying hard in his classes and in the library becoming a surprisingly ace student. Still, his excessive energy needed to be harnessed and he needed to get fit back into society, so they allowed him extracurricular activities. He learned free running and martial arts outside the school classes, as well as being allowed into the team's many sports teams.
His energy, endurance, and stamina were truly crazy like the rest of him allowing him to run the longest distances at full sprint. No one told him he had to, he just did. He won many races raising money for the orphanage, and the school helping others without realizing it. Becoming a celebrity and beloved by others, not that he noticed. He was even called, The Mad Dash by everyone.
'SMASH!'
KiWi: Hey dick don't make me sound like a crazy ignorant asshole!
The author looked up with KiWi breaking out of the glass box with a metal bat she made out of nothing. She then jumped out attacking the author in rage with said bat.
'SNAP!'
KiWi's limbs were soon restrained by invisible unbeatable chains, holding her up in the air, while her bat fell fading into nonexistence.
KiWi: I hate you, you bastard! You made me fall in love with Jo, and made him love me in return. You trapped me in a story to be your fucking plaything to entertain a bunch of strangers like a puppet! You're a fucking d…mmm.."
KiWi now has mouth covers on her face.
Author: Listen here you crazy psychopathic maniac, I might have transported you and your friends in this world, but I can't control your emotions, thoughts, and actions. Why do you think I've only been restraining you and not mind-controlling you this whole time? All I do is add elements to and do some deals in the background to affect your lives. Then I record the relevant events and share them with readers on Webnovel, AO3, FanFiction.net, and Wattpad the best I can, because I'm not a professional anything. Everything you did with Jo and your love for each other were your own actions and decisions.
Now can you fucking behave so we can finally move on with the story by getting this chapter over with!
'SNAP!'
KiWi was soon released from the restraints and put on the ground gently. Everything was silent for a few seconds before KiWi began speaking.
KiWi: …so Jo loves me?
Author: Yup.
KiWi:… and I love him, and you have nothing to do with our actions, feelings, or thoughts?
Author: Now you get it.
Everything became awkwardly silent again, but then KiWi began to laugh out loud.
KiWi: Bahahahahaha…..!
She was on her knees crying and laughing in absolute happiness. She was like this for a while until she calmed down and had to catch her breath. That's when the author walked near her with a smile.
Author:… so you ready to continue?
KiWi nodded wiping her tears and snot off her face, and standing up by doing a backflip.
KiWi: Uh-huh, now where was I before I was horribly interrupted?
The Author chose to let that annoying statement go in order to get the chapter over with.
KiWi: The prince had finally earned enough abilities to escape the prison and the program after 4 grueling years. That's when the program at the current institution suddenly ended, and he was handed over to a new handler being watched over by him as the prince entered a new more advanced institution and program. Still, his new handler was worse training the prince harder and making him go to bigger competitions with more people. The prince couldn't resist as the handler was more proactive and harder to escape from. The prince soon began to learn more from the institution and their records while he was given time to rest.
The prince also learned to improve his parkour, free running, and martial arts, as well as learning survival skills, weapons combat, and proper escape techniques. He even learned performance arts such as magic, singing, dancing, and acting to trick the handler and organization into thinking all his actions are random and that he's trying to fit into the institution like everyone else. The handler was not fooled by the prince, not buying it as he called it a waste of time and getting in the way of training. He was a smart son of a bitch. He soon began training me harder as competitions began to get closer and more frequent.
There was so much training, traveling, studying, competing, and reviewing. Still, the prince learned more about the world, geography, languages, cultures, and history. The prince was ready for escape. The day before he was supposed to escape, he awoke in a Karaoke house with 14 others. The prince was confused and faint at that moment not realizing whether this group was a threat or fellow victims.
Author: Okay, it seems we've arrived at the world of Uma Musume, so it's my turn to translate. KiWi's past self was about ready to run away again, but he didn't realize he had just graduated from high school. He was soon given a government-trusted handler and coach for his university career. The Handler was both patient enough and athletically gifted enough to be able to deal with KiWi. He soon got back to studying hard in university and improving everything he learned.
KiWi also learned a lot of random stuff in order to hide the fact that he was learning more messed-up things like survival skills, weapons combat, and escape arts. Still, the handler saw the random amount of things as distracting from training and a little too much. KiWi soon had to drop all of those lessons, because tournament season soon began and training was increased. They were soon going through training camp, and then traveling to different tournaments. Where KiWi decided to learn different languages, cultures, histories, and geographies.
Keep in mind he was still doing crazy random psycho things while going through all this. He wasn't completely innocent in making people see him as a hyperactive crazy man. The day before he was planning on leaving he woke up in the world of Uma Musume. Where KiWi now she kept her insanity reputation going. Not noticing like always.
KiWi: Were some of the comments necessary?
Author: Yup, didn't want the readers to think you being given a watchdog and caretaker was unnecessary. Now tell us about your time with the team.
KiWi: Fine, no hiding I was the prince now. When I first arrived I made such a great first impression, everyone ended up laughing. We trained and had a lot of fun together, it was the first time I felt freedom in a long time. Vic is like a wise king, but a bit of a worrywart, and Mama is caring, and observant. Gray is clever in a mean way, but funny and smart.
Rose is a charmer and pretty cool under pressure, while GW my new BFF is fancy and caring. Rain is very funny like gray but in a different way, and she's a hard worker. Lily is competitive, and socially awkward, while Steel is strong and also very competitive. Spice talks and acts like people in my old kingdom, but cute, because she's so small. While ImP is honest and trustworthy.
Sweets is kinda dumb and tomboyish, but also girly and sweet. BlaD is musically gifted, and very devoted to Rock and roll. Jo is smart, handsome, calm, and lives in my dreams and heart. Norn just loves her freedom and does what she wants like me, so she's my second BFF. Love these girls, and after hearing about Free Style Running we're all doing together I'm super excited for the future.
Author:'wow she doesn't realize they all think she's crazy, but at least she gets along with all of them. Also, it seems she's about to cause trouble for everyone in the new sport she's entering like her past life. I would try to stop it, but it would also be entertaining as hell to write what she does, so I won't. Guess it's time to get this over with.' Hey KiWi it was fun talking with you.
KiWi: Huh, what's that supposed to mean?
'SNAP'
KiWi then awoke beside Jo still nude after their night of fun, in his arms. "Motherfucker."