"Well, well. Look who decided to tune in."
"Oh great, we're doing this now?" Raven rolled her eyes. "Let me guess—Wisteria's having another caffeine-induced breakdown about chapter schedules?"
"Something like that." Pierre leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "See, our dear author—bless their sleep-deprived soul—has devised a scheme to get you readers more involved. And by 'involved,' I mean 'financially invested in their crippling Monster Energy addiction.'"
Alyssa finally looked up from her mirror. "Wait, this means more people will see me, right?"
"That's... not exactly how it works," Pierre started.
"Easy, Pierre. Don't pop her bubble," Raven drawled, waving a dismissive hand. "Let the princess have her delusions. It's more entertaining that way."
"They're not delusions!" Alyssa huffed, crossing her arms. "Let's be pragmatic. Who else here has this much star power? I'm not just interesting, I'm an investment."
Pierre and Raven exchanged a look.
"Moving on," Pierre said, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. "Wisteria has asked us to explain their new 'incentive program.'"
"You mean Wisty's desperate plea for validation and caffeine money?" Raven smirked.
"Precisely." Pierre unfolded the paper. "Starting August 1st, Wisty is unleashing a literary blitzkrieg: twenty chapters a week. Twenty. That's a four-chapter barrage every weekend and a two-chapter salvo every weekday. I'm not worried about their mental health; I'm starting to question if they have any left to worry about."
"Their mental health was questionable from day one," Raven pointed out. "I mean, Wisty created us. That should tell you everything."
"Fair point, but here's where it gets interesting. Want extra chapters?" Pierre's smile was strained. "Of course you do. And Wisteria has conveniently provided several ways for you to fuel their descent into madness."
Alyssa perked up. "Ooh, this sounds expensive. I like expensive things."
"Of course you do. First up—the donation tiers." Pierre's voice took on the tone of a carnival barker. "And trust me, Wisteria's ambition is... something."
He snapped his fingers and shimmering, golden title card slammed into the air with a satisfying KA-CHING!
[GOAL: GOLDEN GACHAPON | REWARD: 4 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
"First, the Golden Gachapon. Whatever the hell that is—and it sounds shiny enough for our princess over there—nets you four extra chapters."
"I do want one," Alyssa confirmed immediately.
"Send a Spacecraft?" He barely got the words out before another line of text burned itself into the air below the first, accompanied by a low, futuristic WHOOSH.
[GOAL: SPACECRAFT | REWARD: 3 EXTRA CHAPTERS].
Raven snorted. "A Spacecraft? Are we building a fleet now? What's next, a personal dreadnought for every Top 10 donor?"
"Don't give her ideas." Pierre shot her a warning look. "And finally," Pierre gestured to the last line, "for a mere two extra chapters, you can send a Magic Castle."
[GOAL: MAGIC CASTLE | REWARD: 2 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
"Because nothing says 'I support your writing' like purchasing imaginary real estate."
"I could live in a magic castle," Alyssa mused dreamily.
"You already live in a mansion," Raven pointed out.
"But it's not magic."
Pierre rubbed his temples. "Alright, moving on to the weekly support goals. If you thought the last part was ambitious, brace yourselves." He glanced at the crumpled paper, and a new set of glowing words materialized in the air, neatly stacking themselves like a leaderboard.
[WEEKLY POWER STONE RANKING]
[TOP 5: 5 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
[TOP 10: 4 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
[TOP 20: 3 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
"Power Stones," he announced, gesturing to the floating text. "Top five gets you five extra chapters. Top ten, four. Top twenty, three." He paused, then pointed to a new line that blinked into existence below the others.
[WEEKLY GOLDEN TICKETS]
[150: 3 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
"And for every 150 Golden Tickets, that's another three."
"Wait," Raven interrupted, leaning forward with interest. "Wisty seriously thinks we can hit top five in anything? Have they seen the competition out there?"
"I know, right?" Pierre laughed, the sound strained. "But it gets worse. Or better, depending on how much you enjoy watching our author descend into madness. Wisty's also planning monthly mass releases."
Alyssa clapped her hands together, her eyes sparkling. "Mass releases! That means more of me!"
"First, the 'Win-Win' system," Pierre said, and with a flick of his wrist, the previous text vanished. It was replaced by three new tiers that slammed into reality with the deafening THUD of a vault door closing.
[MONTHLY WIN-WIN]
[TIER 1: 3 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
[TIER 2: 5 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
[TIER 3: EIGHTEEN EXTRA CHAPTERS]
"Tier 1 is three chapters, Tier 2 is five," he read, his eyes widening at the last line. "And Tier 3... is eighteen extra chapters."
"And finally," Pierre continued, his voice heavy with disbelief, "the monthly Golden Ticket rankings." The 'Win-Win' text shattered like glass, and the final set of goals exploded into view, the top number glowing with an almost violent intensity.
[MONTHLY GOLDEN TICKET RANKING]
[TOP 3: TWENTY EXTRA CHAPTERS]
[TOP 10: 7 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
[TOP 25: 3 EXTRA CHAPTERS]
"Twenty," Pierre breathed, staring at the number. "Top three gets you twenty extra chapters. That's nearly a whole week's worth of updates dropped in one go." He shook his head. "At this point, I can't tell if Wisteria is pathologically optimistic or in the middle of a full-blown psychotic break."
"Why not both?" Raven suggested.
Alyssa had been unusually quiet, which was never a good sign. "So if we get really popular, I get more scenes, right? More dialogue? More opportunities to show off how amazing I am?"
"Theoretically," Pierre said carefully.
"Then what are you readers waiting for?" Alyssa suddenly stepped forward. "I know you want to see more of me. Who wouldn't? I'm gorgeous, I'm talented, I'm—"
"Modest," Raven finished dryly.
"—and I deserve to be the star of this story!" Alyssa continued, ignoring the interruption. "So vote! Donate! Buy those weird gachapon things! Do whatever it takes to get me more screen time!"
Pierre pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a slow, suffering sigh. "This. This right here is exactly why I argued against her involvement."
"Too late now," Raven grinned. "She's in full princess mode."
"Look," Pierre said, turning back to the camera with a more serious expression. "I'll level with you. Our author is clearly insane. Wisty's trying to write more chapters per week than most people write per month. They're probably surviving on nothing but Monster Energy and sheer stubbornness at this point."
"And spite," Raven added. "Don't forget the spite. They definitely got some kind of grudge against that PLGA_Author persona."
"Oh, absolutely." A feral grin split Pierre's face. "Speaking of which, if you're out there, PLGA_Author—and you too, OneAboveAll—you can both suck my—"
"PIERRE!" Alyssa shrieked, covering her ears. "There might be children watching!"
"Children with access to this story have bigger problems than Pierre's vocabulary," Raven pointed out. "Wisty writes like their filter was surgically removed at birth."
"That's... actually a good point." Pierre paused. "Anyway, where was I? Oh right."
He stood up, straightening his jacket. "Look, here's the deal. Wisteria's putting herself through literary boot camp to give you more content. The least you can do is throw some power stones her way. Maybe buy one of those castle things if you're feeling generous."
"Or if you want to see more of me," Alyssa added hopefully.
"But realistically?" Raven stretched, her joints popping audibly. "We probably won't hit any of these goals. I mean, top five in power stones? That's like expecting a miracle. We're good, but we're not that good."
"Speak for yourself," Alyssa huffed. "I'm definitely that good."
"You're not even a main character yet," Pierre reminded her.
"Yet!" Alyssa pointed at him triumphantly. "That's the key word. Yet."
Pierre scrubbed a hand over his face, looking for a moment like he might genuinely prefer to be anywhere else in the universe.
"This is what I get for answering Wisteria's calls after midnight."
"Hey, at least we're not the ones staying up until 3 AM writing chapters," Raven pointed out. "That's all on Wisteria."
"True." Pierre looked back at the camera. "So there you have it, folks." Pierre gestured expansively, as if presenting a rare specimen. "Your mission is to turn this humble story into a chart-topper. The reward? More content. More energy drinks. No pressure."
"And so I can get more scenes," Alyssa added.
"We heard you the first twelve times," Raven muttered.
"Repetition is key to brand recognition,"Alyssa said primly.
Pierre crumpled up his notes and tossed them over his shoulder. "Honestly, I think Wisteria's lost their mind. These goals are insane. But hey, if you somehow manage to pull it off, more power to you. Just... maybe send them some actual food along with those power stones."
"And maybe some sleeping pills," Raven suggested. "Or a therapist. Definitely a therapist."
"I could recommend a good spa," Alyssa offered. "Self-care is very important."
"Since when do you care about anyone but yourself?" Raven asked.
"Since more chapters means more me," Alyssa replied matter-of-factly.
Pierre threw his hands up in defeat. "And on that note, we're done here. Remember, folks—vote, donate, and maybe say a prayer for our author's sanity."
"Don't forget to leave reviews!" Alyssa called out as Pierre started walking away. "Especially if they mention how amazing I am!"
"I'm going back to the ship," Raven announced, pushing off from the desk. "This whole thing is giving me secondhand embarrassment."
"Wait!" Alyssa grabbed her arm. "We should do a group pose! For the promotional materials!"
"Absolutely not."
"Come on, just one—"
"I said no."
"But—"
"Well," Pierre said, turning back to the camera one last time. "That's our cue to wrap this up. Thanks for watching, thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for enabling our author's caffeine addiction."
"I'm Raven, and I still think you're all crazy for believing we can hit these goals."
"And I'm Alyssa, the most beautiful and talented character in this entire story, and you should definitely vote for us so you can see more of me!"
[WARNING: Supporting this author may lead to unforeseen side effects, including but not limited to: sleep deprivation (theirs and yours), carpal tunnel syndrome, and an unhealthy obsession with fictional characters. Please enable Wisteria's Monster Energy addiction responsibly.]