a mirror? and the one reflected on it is supposed to be me..?
With unstable steps, he forced himself up and walked slowly towards the mirror.
But that is not who I remember myself as.. This is not what I look like..
Those dark eyebags, this pale skin, this meager body.. This is not the body of a 9-year-old child.. This is not the body of Lapsus, not me..
As Lapsus stared at the mirror, oblivious to his surroundings, he couldn't help but feel his face, touch it and pinch it just to make sure.. that maybe this is all a dream.
But it wasn't, he could very well feel himself, but his eyes refused to believe so, for what he sees reflected in the mirror is not Lapsus but the body of a young adult who is clearly in bad shape.
"Wait.."
And it hit him.. Although it caused him a headache, he grabbed his head as he finally realized it.
"is this the past me...!?"
A sudden flood of memories struck him.. not many memories but ones that can be considered the essential basics, and with them his eyes widened in shock.
"Tuggy... 19 years old... Male... 179 cm... Black hair... Brown eyes..."
My name is Tuggy.. Tuggy..! I can't remember my last name..
As Tuggy was contemplating his last name, the mirror suddenly exploded and shattered into small pieces.. none of them hit him for they weren't there.
"...?"
Confused, Tuggy looked around.. checking his surroundings which previously were nothing but black void..
A street?
Now it is a street, and on top of it.. a street Tuggy couldn't help but feel a strange familiarity towards.
He walked and walked.. each turn felt nostalgic as if he roamed it numerous times before, each house was oddly not foreign even though it was different from the houses he was used to as Lapsus. And before he knew it, he stood there..
This house..
Tuggy thought, his heartbeat growing faster and faster.. his breathing growing harder and harder.
He walked slowly, each step felt heavier than the one before until he reached the doormat.
Now standing on the threshold, Tuggy hesitantly reached for the door handle.
I have to open it..
The door standing against him was to be opened, it is a must, he thought.. yet, he was reluctant.. his hand didn't move as he intended.
Again.. I give up.
So, he did it.. the thing he does best, giving up.
"I see.. those streets are my homeland.."
With a sigh, Tuggy sat down and brought his knees close to him before spreading them apart..
"and this house.."
leaning against the door, Tuggy muttered under his breath
"is the house I grew up in.. where I lived my whole life.. he!"
Suddenly, Tuggy let out a small laugh that felt faker than anything he ever did, but he couldn't help the sudden impulse.
Funnily enough.. I can't remember anything else, how I lived... my dreams.. my relationships.. did I have siblings or not?... I can't even remember my parents.
"papa.. mama.."
If I tried, I only see Lunavayne, Clara.. and Luna.. she was my twin— no, she was Lapsus' twin..They were Lapsus' family.. not mine... a person like me...
"sigh..."
He sighed.. like always, whenever he found something hard to speak, he sighs..
and now he is staring at the sunset contemplating the thing before he stood up.
This sunset.. it feels familiar...
He walked as he let himself dive into his thoughts, for the first time in many years.. Tuggy decided to face them and understand them and sometimes nothing beats a walk to do so..
---- it was a scene from a novel ---- a novel that I have never read --- but I carried with me wherever I went --- why..? --- ah yes, I was learning a language --- my father recommended that novel for it was written originally in the language I was learning --- my father...
"papa.."
Again, Tuggy's thoughts trailed off, he couldn't help but think of Lunavayne, although he keeps telling himself the reality— no, what he perceives as reality.. that he never belonged to that family, for he was nothing but an intruder..
--- I have never read that book --- no, I have never understood it --- I was carrying it around but for what reason..? --- I cannot remember, but I remember hating it after trying to understand it --- it was simple why, but I refused to admit it --- I tried to make up my own reasons --- the one which I believed mostly were the author's controversial acts --- but it really had nothing to do with it...
Tuggy walked, walked and walked... he didn't feel or perceive the time he spent walking for he never grew tired nor the time he spent thinking for his thoughts never ended..He walked for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and he may even have walked for years..
he never counted for he never cared because he was trying to do one thing, and it was to understand his current position.
--- I hated it because I saw myself in it --- I am nothing extraordinary --- at best I was average --- but I had something that I believed was not the norm --- the thing is...
"I always felt foreign.."
With a small break to sigh, Tuggy let the cold breeze play with his messy black hair before he continued walking.
--- I felt that I don't belong here --- not out of superiority --- but, I don't know... --- What I know is that I have made the same mistake again --- I didn't understand it at first but apparently I was given a second chance --- another chance to live without mistakes --- I have failed to accept it --- no, I was too late to accept it --- I acted passively --- said things I shouldn't --- and I kept myself distant --- doing nothing but trying to put an act --- an act so fragile that it cracked the moment I faced a small problem --- and without trying to understand
"I hated..."
Coming in front of a bridge gate, Tuggy's steps came to a halt for he now started to understand.. even if it was little, it was enough for now.
I hated.. even though they tried to comfort me, I pushed them away.. the ones who I was given, Lapsus's family.. no, they were my family for I am Lapsus..
Qian Qian was a dear figure to me but I never saw her as more than a servant.
Aurel was my uncle but I never tried to play with him.
Luna was my sister but I was jealous of her.
Clara was my mother but I never let myself into her embrace.
Lunavayne was my father but I never tried to understand him.
I never treated them as real, I was dwelling in the delusions of having gifts, magic and being talented that.. that I forgot to treasure what I had.
"and now.. they are gone.."
Tears fell, his throat hurting and legs weakening.. he fell on his knees.
Mama died and I did nothing.
Papa died trying to protect me and I did nothing.
I just stood there and felt nothing because I never saw them the way I should.
I started to get it..
As he rubbed the tears that wouldn't stop, his eyes grew red and swollen.. he hitched breathing as his vision grew blurrier by the tears.
I understand now.. I really understand it now.. I understand who am I.. I kept myself busy with that suffocating scent that I never saw what was right before me, but now I will try to do so.I will try to be more active, work more and help more.
"my name is Lapsus Siderus.."
Tuggy—no, Lapsus, and without noticing the change in his voice.. his hair turned brown, his eyes golden and his body shrinking to that of a boy...
"sigh.."
With a heavy breath, inhaling deeply, Lapsus sighed before he stood up and stared at the bridge.
"it is true, I am Lunavayne and Clara's child.. Luna's brother.. Aurel's nephew.. and lastly, Qian Qian's little master.."
It is true that I cannot change what I have failed.. I have repeated the same mistake but..
"Papa asked me to live.."
He could have asked me to seek revenge, but he refused to let me .. he didn't want me to do so.. he asked me to seek the blue star, something that always fascinated me.
"I will find the fallen hill, I will make friends and find those who I want to protect.. I will find Luna.."
But first..
Shifting his gaze from the bridge.. Lapsus noticed something.. well, he noticed three things.
First was that he cannot take any step towards the bridge.
Second was that scent, the smell of the blue hyacinth that always suffocated him, was denser and stronger near that bridge.
And third—
"Who.. what are you?"
I need to live and get out...
It was a shapeless shadowy figure, one that he couldn't tell if it was human or not, nothing about it was clear except that it was standing there and Lapsus felt it staring at him.
"are you the one stopping me from moving..?"
Lapsus was confused for he didn't know what that thing was and before he knew it—
"..?"
A small shadowy figure was climbing up his clothes.. Lapsus was scared but also curious.. he tried to touch it to see what it was?
And at that moment, the instant his finger made contact with the shadowy figure..
"..?"
Lapsus blinked and found himself inside a forest.