The world smelled like old wood, suddenly.
Emily came to with her face pressed against what might have once been a velvet seat but had since seen more ass than a public restroom. Her mouth tasted like death and something was digging into her thigh with the determined pressure of a blunt letter opener. Also, the ceiling above her had been replaced with the kind of cheap, splintery planks that gave you a splinter just by thinking about running your tongue across them.
She sat up. Her entire body responded with an orchestra of aches. Her head spun. Her vision swam. She reached for her face, found her own hand, with longer fingers than she remembered, smoother, nails manicured to within an inch of their lives, and stopped.
[What the…?]
She patted herself experimentally.
She was alive. Or, well, alive-adjacent.
She did a quick check: two arms, two legs, one head, no tubes or wires, no hospital beeping, no Nurse Jessie saying "Knock knock, gorgeous" in the honeyed purr that made her want to die of embarrassment and/or lust every single day. There was, however, the unmistakable clatter of hooves and wagon wheels, and beyond that, voices.
The thing poking her thigh was a large envelope, wax-sealed in a fussy magenta and gold. She peeled it out, broke the seal with the guilty glee of someone opening an acceptance letter, and stared at the name written in florid, slightly insane calligraphy:
To Miss Aegis Starcaller,
First-Year, Rosevale Academy,
Kingdom of Valdria
She blinked. Once. Twice. Three times, just to check for hallucinations.
Nope. Still there.
"Aegis... Starcaller?" she read aloud.
It didn't even look like a cosplay envelope. It looked like a prop from a theme park ride. She opened it.
Congratulations! it began, in a font so swirly and whimsical it threatened to rearrange itself if she looked away. You have been granted the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend Valdria's premier institution of magical, martial, and courtly refinement—
She dropped the envelope to the wagon floor. Chills ran down her spine.
She knew this. She'd seen this screen hundreds of times, only in pixels instead of ink. The Queen of Hearts opening cinematic. The Rosevale Academy scholarship letter, first thing you ever got when you created a new character.
Which meant...
She touched her chest. Her heartbeat was frantic, stuttering, but not because of the usual reasons (chronic illness, terror, Jessie). It was just... there. Fast. Loud. She was breathing air not pumped through a hospital-grade filter. Her legs? Still there. She swung them experimentally. They swung. No IV. No catheter. No plastic hospital anklet. She was wearing a uniform—navy blue, short-skirted, with a frankly ridiculous amount of ruffles and gold embroidery.
She had a body. Not a dying, paper-thin body, but a body-body. One that fit her properly, with skin that didn't bruise at the whisper of a breeze, with boobs that actually did the perky anime bounce with each rumble of the stagecoach, with legs she could actually uncross and cross again like a comic book villain.
She stared down at herself, awe and existential horror warring for control over her reaction. She was gorgeous. Her hands were small, but not as small as they used to be, delicate, but not as fragile, and… completely unfamiliar. Her hair fell into her face, white-blonde and sleek, a little messy but in a fashionably "I just woke up like this and I am the star of every sleepover" way. She brushed it away, feeling the softness, still half-convinced this was a morphine fever dream.
Outside, the wagon hit a bump, sending her airborne for a fraction of a second. When she landed, her ass smacked down on the velvet with a staccato slap. Nope. If this was a dream, it was a damn persistent one.
She laughed. Actually laughed.
The driver turned in his seat, peering at her through a curtain of greasy brown hair.
"You good back there, miss?"
"Never better," she said. "Five stars, would recommend."
He grunted and turned away. She caught a glimpse of his face. Flat nose, heavy brow, the kind of jawline that could stop a charging bull. She recognized him instantly: Tutorial NPC, the Wagoner. He delivered every protagonist to Rosevale, then vanished forever.
"Okay," she muttered, flexing her fingers, still not used to how slender and dexterous they were. "This is either a fever dream or the world's most expensive make-a-wish LARP. But if it's real, and I'm here..."
She glanced down at the envelope. There, in the corner, was the royal sigil of Valdria: a rose entwined with a serpent, with a tiny crown balanced on the tip of the flower. She poked it. It had depth. Embossed, even.
"Isekaied," she breathed, voice trembling. "I've actually been isekaied."
The wagon jerked to a stop. Aegis (or Emily, but the difference felt academic at this point) peeked out through the canvas flap at the back, expecting maybe a castle, or at least some bearded old wizard with a destiny speech queued up.
Instead, she saw a field. Then, three men with teeth like old chess pieces and faces shaped by centuries of passionate inbreeding. Each held a cudgel, and each radiated the kind of existential menace found only in people who'd failed every side quest in life and decided to take it out on others.
"Hand over the pretty things, girl," one snarled, the dialect a perfect match for the tutorial's "bandit shakedown" encounter. "Or we start breaking the not-so-pretty things."
Aegis clapped, delighted.
"I know this!" she said, before realizing she was meant to be scared. "I mean—oh, mercy, please don't hurt me," she said, in a voice that sounded suspiciously like a generic princess on valium. It was not her best work, but the bandits seemed convinced. Or at least, confused.
She fished in her pockets. Her hand came up empty. No phone, no wallet, not even a single sickly Werther's Original. She patted down her uniform, then gestured apologetically.
"Sorry, boys. All I have is this envelope and my devastating charm."
The bandits blinked, unsure how to proceed.
The tallest one grinned, exposing exactly one gold tooth and four that looked like they'd seen more meth than sunlight.
"Then we take the envelope. And see if you got anything else to offer, eh?"
Aegis narrowed her eyes.
[That's how it is, huh?] She held back a smirk.
Aegis placed her palms together and smiled the kind of smile that had gotten at least three nurses to slip her contraband pudding cups over the years.
"Gentlemen," she said, "I'm going to level with you. If you touch that letter, you invoke the wrath of the headmistress herself. And, not for nothing, the last guy who tried it ended up with a sword where the sun doesn't shine."
The bandits, being of the reliable "dumb as bricks" variety, hesitated just long enough for her to continue.
She gestured at the wagoner, who, as per his code, slouched watchfully but said nothing.
"Besides," she said, voice rising conspiratorially, "you really want to rob a girl who hasn't even had her orientation yet? I'm not even worth the price of a bus token. You have nothing to gain, but you have everything to lose, doing this."
The bandits exchanged a look. The smallest one, who, in the game, always ran away first, started to fidget, nervous. The leader squared his shoulders.
"You're bluffin'," he said, though there was a tremor in his voice. "Prissy bitches like you always have something stashed."
Aegis let her smile falter, replaced it with a look of genuine concern.
"Boys… is this really how you want to start your week? Word is, the Rosevale guard's been cracking down. I heard they conscript prisoners to clean the privies. You want to spend the rest of your life elbow-deep in turds?"
The gold-toothed one hesitated. She watched the gears grind. The second bandit (was his name Bort in the game?) was already edging away.
She leaned forward, dropped her voice to a stage whisper.
"Last chance, boys. The law is right behind me. Walk away, and I'll forget this happened. Try anything, and you'll be scrubbing the king's personal chamberpot till the end of time. Your call."
There was a beat.
Then, with an awkward, not-so-menacing grunt, the three bandits shuffled off, muttering apologies to one another as they retreated. The leader gave her a final, venomous glare, but even he seemed more intimidated than angry.
Aegis slumped back in her seat, adrenaline pulsing through her veins. Her hands shook, but she was alive.
She opened her mouth to say: "Holy shit, I can't believe that worked," but what came out was a loud, undignified snort.
The wagoner glanced back.
"That was quick thinking, miss."
"Yeah," she said, still trying to catch her breath. "I majored in creative self-preservation."
She stared down at her hands, flexed them, then at the envelope, which must have some kind of plot armor given how indestructible it seemed. The wagon resumed its course, bumping along the muddy road toward the distant spires.
Somewhere between 'thank god I'm not dead' and 'what the fuck am I wearing,' a pink-glitter HUD flickered across her vision.
# STATUS SHEET
BASIC INFO
Name: Aegis Starcaller
Race: Human
Titles: Commoner
STATS
POWER (Combat ability): 1
INTELLIGENCE (Academic knowledge, magical theory, and strategic thinking): 1
GRACE (Elegance, poise, and artistic expression): 1
INSIGHT (Reading people, detecting lies, and understanding hidden motives): 1
CHARISMA (Ability to persuade, intimidate, seduce, and charm through words): 100
---
RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Active Love Interests: None
Current Relationships: N/A
Relationship Phase: N/A
---
REPUTATION/SOCIAL STANDING
School Reputation: Unknown Newcomer
Faction Standings: None
Scandal Points: 0
---
INVENTORY & GIFTS
Current Items: None
Gift Database: Locked
Special Event Items: None
Memento Items: None
---
EVENTS & CALENDAR
Upcoming Events: N/A
Character Date Opportunities: None Available
Critical Choice Notifications: None
---
SKILLS/ABILITIES
Magical Spells: None
Combat Techniques: None
Arts Performances: None
---
FLAGS & ROUTES
Current Active Route: None
Death Flags: None
Bad End Warnings: None
Hidden Route Availability: Locked
Route Lock Status: None
---
ACHIEVEMENTS/MILESTONES
Social Milestones: None
Academic Honors: None
Secret Discoveries: None
Political Alliances: None
Among all those stats and categories, one stood out.
[CHARISMA: 100.]
She stared at the number, waiting for it to tick down, maybe reset, maybe turn into a stack overflow and catch fire. But it held, bold and deranged, like a prank left behind by an underpaid intern.
Aegis grinned, clutching her letter to her chest.
This was the world of Queen of Hearts. And Aegis? She was prepared.
She knew every. Single. Romance flag. Every conversation tree. Every gift preference and hidden questline. Every precise method to make hundreds of different women fall catastrophically in love.
"Watch out, Rosevale." She stood up in the wagon, arms spread wide. "Aegis Starcaller has arrived, and I'm about to seduce this entire kingdom into—"
The wagon hit a pothole.
Aegis stumbled, catching herself on the wooden frame. As she steadied herself, she noticed an odd weight between her legs. A foreign pressure against the fabric of her uniform skirt.
[Wait.]
She glanced down. The skirt tented outward in a very specific, very anatomically impossible way. At least, impossible for the body she'd had five minutes ago.
Her hands moved on autopilot, patting down her new equipment through the fabric.
[Oh.]
She patted herself.
[Oh no.]
She patted herself again. Then, three more times.
She wasn't imagining it.
[I...]
She blinked.
[I have a dick.]
The status screen flickered helpfully in her peripheral vision:
HIDDEN TRAIT DISCOVERED:
Blessing of the Fertility Goddess
Effect: Enhanced "compatibility" with all potential partners
Aegis stared at the notification, then at her skirt, then back at the notification.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"