"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden. I would've died for your sins. Instead I just died inside." -T.S.
I buried my face in my hands, sobbing so hard I thought I might choke on it. There was no thought, no plan, no hope of undoing anything, just the unfiltered ruin of my entire life once again. But then I felt a soft arm wrap gently around me. I looked up to see Mallory through my tear-soaked eyes.
"Hey, hey. It's okay." She knelt beside me, wrapping her arms around me like a blanket I didn't deserve. I didn't resist. I couldn't. "I'm right here. Auggie. I got you." She rocked me gently as I continued to wail, my anguish as loud as the music still playing.
"Mals," her name escaped me in a shaky breath, "I can't," a desperate gasp for air, "believe—"
"No, Auggie, it's okay. Just breathe. Don't try to talk right now, just focus on breathing in and out," her voice was comforting, so soft it almost grounded me.
But then Erik's face flashed behind my eyes, the horror, the disgust, the way he looked at me like I was something filthy. Something not worth knowing.
My heart shattered more than I ever imagined it could after already being broken. First my mom, now Justin. I couldn't even begin to swallow his betrayal when I hadn't even healed from my moms. So I stayed on the ground, shaking, buried in Mallory's arms.
I felt a second hand on my back but this time I didn't look up. I kept my face pressed deep into my palms, leaning heavily into Mallory.
"We got you baby, it's okay," Dani's voice threaded gently through my ragged breaths. She caressed my hair, whispering 'it's okay,' into my ear. But all I could hear was Erik's voice, 'I just hope he fucked you well enough to fill that void.' I wanted it to stop, but it wouldn't. That line. Over and over. Like he'd branded it into my brain. I couldn't scream loud enough to drown it out.
And the worst part was that I had caused this. I couldn't blame anybody but myself. If I had never let my naive curiosity take over, I wouldn't be on the ground being held together by sand and tears. I created this God forsaken mess. I ruined myself for someone who never even deserved the softest part of me. The worst thing was I had no way out.
"Why did I do this? Why couldn't I just leave Justin alone." I sobbed, asking but not wanting answers. "Erik hates me, he's gonna want nothing to do with me. I just…" I sobbed louder, unable to catch my breath again. Mallory's grip around me tightened.
"Auggie, this is the last thing you want to hear but he has a right to be upset, he was blindsided, it's human nature to be mad but that doesn't mean it's gonna to last forever. You're gonna need to give him time and space." Dani's words fell flat on me. All I could hear was 'he has a right to be upset', because the reality was, he did. He had every right to be mad at me for having had such an intertwined situationship with Justin. Right under his nose, and I had no excuse other than it was fun and felt good. And that's probably worse than if it was more. But maybe it was something more, something Justin or I never wanted to admit. And maybe that's why this was so explosive. But if Justin felt more then why would he hurt me in such a disgusting way. Why tear up everything we had built from the beginning of the trip.
My crying had finally slowed, but my chest still trembled, the sand beneath my legs was cold. Or maybe it was warm. I couldn't tell. Everything blurred together, the sound of the waves, the music, my own sobs. It all melted into one heaping mess. One that I didn't know how I'd clean up. Mallory and Dani still had their arms draped around me, their words still trying to put me back together again. I finally lifted my head out of my hands, the humid air pressed against my salty cheeks.
My throat was so dry, each time I swallowed it felt like I had taken a handful of sand and shoved it into my mouth. My eyes stung from the pressure I released. But I had no more tears left to cry, even though I was breathing in short uneven gasps.
I turned to look at Mallory first, and then I glanced over at Dani. I could see it in their eyes, they pitied me. They probably didn't mean to, but they did. Hell, I would even pity myself. I could only imagine what I looked like at this very moment. How pathetic I must seem.
I sat there a moment longer until I finally allowed myself to take a deep breath, like maybe that would actually bring me back down to earth. But I still felt the ache in my chest. I could still see Justin's grin as he showed Erik the video. I could still hear my moans echoing from a moment that I thought was just ours. Only for him to prove it was not.
"I can't believe he told him, I can't believe he showed him." I whispered, though I didn't mean to say anything, it just slipped past my lips.
"August, you didn't deserve that." Dani grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. I shook my head and despite my effort one final tear decided to appear, it slowly rolled down my cheek before Dani could wipe it away. My breath caught again but this time I fought against it. I didn't want to cry anymore. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.
"We should get you inside and out of this bathing suit." Mallory said, caressing my back as she stood up, dusting the sand off of her legs. She extended a hand to me, I hesitated, part of me felt like I deserved to sit here steeped in shame. In this bathing suit that helped cause this chaos. But ultimately I knew I couldn't sit here forever. I reached up, letting her pull me to my feet, I wrapped my arm around hers and anchored myself to her. Dani stood up shortly after, shaking the sand off her legs.
"Let me go ahead of you two, I wanna see where Justin's at." Dani patted my back. The mention of Justin made my stomach twist but I didn't have the energy to stop her. She turned to the backyard and jogged up the paved path, passing the pool and twinkling lights that blurred into an incandescent glow.
"Mallory I don't even know what to do, Erik is never going to forgive me, he's probably never going to talk to me again." My voice caught at my throat at the thought of it again.
She pulled me in closer. "Let's not worry about that right now, Auggie. Erik's just angry right now, like Dani said you're gonna have to give him some time." She treaded lightly.
"I know. I just—God. I'm so fucking stupid." I covered my face with my hand, pressing my eyes so the newly formed tears wouldn't threaten to fall. "I can't believe I trusted Justin. I can't believe I gave him my body every goddamn night only for him to do this to me. I fucking hate him." Anger quickly replaced my grief.
I never would've imagined he'd use that video as ammunition. And the worst part? I didn't just hate that he showed the video. I hate that he had it. I hate that it existed. That I let him touch me like that, like it meant something. Like he could be trusted with all that I was. I hate that he made me feel like I was invincible, that I was enough, that every rigid part of me was worth having. He took everything from me, but the truth is, I gave it to him. Willingly. And now I don't know who I hate more. Him? Or me?
Mallory and I slowly made it back into the yard and past the pool. I wiped my eyes one more time. Dani was waiting on the patio, but I barely noticed her. My eyes locked on the kitchen where Justin and Marshall were mid-argument. Neither of them letting up.
I didn't even realize I was moving until I was halfway up the path. My chest still ached, my ankle throbbed lightly, my eyes still burned, but now my hands were fists. I didn't care if I fell apart again. I needed to look him in the face when I did.
Mallory and Dani tried to stop me. Tried to talk me down, tell me it wasn't worth it. But they didn't know, they couldn't know what he'd done. What he took. What he ruined.
The door flung open just as I reached it. They froze when they saw me standing there, watching.
I took a shaky step into the house. My confidence faltered for half a second —until Justin smirked. Just slightly. Like none of it mattered.
And that was all it took. The flame reignited.
I lunged forward. He wanted war? He fucking had it.
"I knew I shouldn't have fucking trusted you." My voice came out sharp, and steadier than I expected. I bolted straight to Justin, Marshall stood in between like a buffer. "I knew you couldn't stop thinking about yourself long enough to care about anyone else."
He looked at me, a little thrown off until his smirk slipped back into place. "Yeah, you're right, August. I don't give a fuck. Not about you. Not about your pathetic little fake 'relationship'. I don't give a fuck about anyone but myself, right? You said it yourself." His voice raised, full of intensity.
We had garnered the attention of Jacob and Allie who walked in through the foyer. Watching as Justin and I began yelling at each other.
"You don't get to dictate what's real and what's not. Not when you couldn't grasp 'real' if it smacked you in the face." My eyebrows furrowed harder. "But we both know your ego would never let you want anything more than just a quick fuck."
I felt a faint hand on my wrist, gently pulling me back. I turned to look at Mallory, her face riddled with concern. "I'm not done Mallory," I hissed though she knew my anger wasn't towards her.
"Yeah, Mallory, let the chihuahua continue barking." Justin laughed, but there was no expression on his face. Seconds later Jacob walked in between us, placing a hand on Justin's chest. Marshall stepped to the side by Dani.
"You wanna hear me bark?" My voice was louder this time, each word coming out punchier than the last. "Or would you rather I tell them how you were on your knees begging me not to have sex with Erik. Begging me not to walk away. You're not deep, Justin. You're just broken and too proud to admit it."
"And you're just as shallow. You're just as broken, hoping the next one will fix what they didn't break." A wretched scowl formed on his face.
"It's killing you, isn't it? That Erik actually knows how to treat me like a fucking person." I wasn't holding back anymore. "You just couldn't help yourself could you? You couldn't stand the idea of someone actually treating me well because you never could."
He swallowed hard, biting his lower lip but he said nothing.
"What exactly did you think that video would do?" I paused for a second, giving him the chance to answer even though I knew he wouldn't. "It did nothing but make me hate you even more."
"Aw poor little August," he faked a pout, "her boyfriend is mad at her cause she got caught fucking some other dude." He spat back, fire seeping through each word.
"Aw poor little Justin, had to ruin something because he knew he never stood a chance." My own flames burning a hole in him.
His eyebrow shot up, amusement trickled in. "Never stood a chance?" He stepped closer, disregarding Jacob's grip holding him back. "That's rich coming from the girl who was always begging for more because once was never enough. You're just as twisted and just as insatiable. Should we show everyone? Let them be the judge." He looked around, pretending to grab his phone before Jacob grabbed his wrist. "We both know he's not enough. We both know just how fucked up you are too. He was never gonna understand it and now he's not even gonna try." He laughed. My stomach twisted at his words, at his poison. It was like a dagger to an already bleeding heart.
"Go fuck yourself Justin!" I shouted, tears finally spilling. "Better yet, go fuck Hannah and tell her what memory of me you had to use to get the job done."
"Fuck you, August!" Justin yelled back , I stepped forward but before I could say anything else I felt Marshall's arm wrap around my waist. He picked me up and started walking me towards the back door. Justin on the other hand was still yelling but I couldn't make out what he was saying. Moments later I heard a crash from inside and I turned to see Jacob and Allie trying to calm Justin down. His arms flinging in the air, the anger still at the forefront.
Marshall set me down a few yards from the back door. Standing in front of me, making sure I wouldn't make a break back into the house. Back into the bomb I blew up and got pulled out of, barely alive.
"He's unfuckingbelievable. I fucking hate him!" I screamed ferociously, letting the anger flow out of me. Mallory and Dani ran outside and over to where Marshall and I stood. Both mirroring a look of deep concern. Mallory reached for me first, her hand grabbed my arm.
"Please don't try to calm me down, not right now." I snapped, though I knew I shouldn't. It wasn't her fault Justin betrayed me, it wasn't her fault my heart got torn to shreds twice in a row. It was mine. And now I'm living in the consequences of my actions.
Mallory let out a sharp breath, dropping her hand from me. "You have every right to be mad, he completely betrayed you. And I'm not going to ask you to swallow your wrath, I just want to make sure you're okay. How about we walk down to the shore, maybe the cold water will help you a bit?"
I stomped my feet all the way down to the shore. My unresolved anger was making me completely forget the dull pain from my ankle. We made it to the shoreline, the waves louder than earlier. Crashing against the sand like I had crashed against Justin seconds ago. Dani was right behind us, her arm looping around my other one. We stood in silence, their arms looped through mine like anchors. My tears continued streaming, but this time it was out of pure frustration. Pure anger, pure rage that was boiling inside me.
Dani leaned into me, her voice cutting through the sounds of the water. "That was so cruel of him, August, I'm so sorry. I've never seen him this drunk either."
"Drunk or not he had no right showing Erik that video. He crossed a line he can't come back from," Mallory jumped in before I could.
"No, no he can't and he did that all by himself." Dani added, she pulled me gently, her tone softer now. "I know it seems like the end of the world right now but I promise you're going to be okay. Besides you'll have me by your side. Mals is leaving soon but Marshall and I are gonna switch our flight to fly back with you, okay?"
I wiped a tear from my eye, nodded slowly. "Thank you." It was the only thing I could muster. My anger melted back to sadness. She pulled me into a deep hug, one that I desperately needed and I dissolved into her arms. Seconds later Mals joined in. It was now sinking in that she would be leaving tonight. It hit harder than I initially played off. All I wanted was my sister but I knew she had her own issues and her own life to live.
We pulled apart and faced the dark horizon again. Mallory cleared her throat gently. "I'm sorry I have to leave Auggie, I wish I could be here for you."
"It's okay, I know you have your own things going on. Please just call me when you land, I'm probably not going to get any sleep tonight." I looked over at her, her eyebrows pinched together and her lips formed a perfect pout. I pulled her into another hug. Wishing she could stay but I knew she couldn't.
"I promise, and please Dani, make sure she doesn't see him again tonight." Mallory looked past me and over to Dani. Dani nodded gently, looking back up at the house.
"Don't worry, he's not going anywhere near her. If not because of me, then because of Marshall." She let out a short breath. "He's pissed. When I walked up, Marshall was going in on him. But of course Justin was arguing back." Dani shook her head. "I love him… but Justin is burning a lot of bridges right now."
I looked back up to the house, we were far enough away that we couldn't see anything besides the glow of the lights. Everything was eerily quiet despite the waves crashing. My stomach turned at the thought of seeing Justin again, but I swallowed it and turned over to the horizon. I wrapped my arms around myself into a hug, trying anything to comfort myself. I looked over to the other rental, most of the lights were off except a few upstairs and the patio light. I imagined what Erik was doing. Was he yelling? Was he cursing my name? Was he in despair over the carnage I made? I didn't know what was left to fix anymore. Or if I even deserved to.
Mallory pulled out her phone and looked at the time, before shoving it back into her pocket. "I know the timing is awful but, I should probably start putting my luggage in the Jeep." She glanced over to me, biting the corner of her lower lip. I didn't say anything, nothing would come out. I just nodded and gave her a hug.
She started making her way back up to the house, leaving Dani and I down by the shore.
Moments later Dani nudged my arm lightly. "I'll be back okay? I'm just gonna walk Mallory and Marshall to the car. Wait here."
Again, no words would come. Just a polite nod, trying to hold myself together. She ran after Mallory who was halfway back the yard. I just sat on the ground, the sand shifting under me, I was ready to wallow at the turn out of my life. Thinking about every stupid decision I made since getting here. Thinking about how maybe my mom was right? I wasn't ready to be out in the real world, and that probably hurts the most. It feels like everything I did to get away from the idea my mom made me out to be just blew up and back fired on me. All my rebellions against what I was raised to believe turned out to burn me the most. How pathetic.
I buried my face in my hands once more, my heart hammering against my ribs with each breath I took. The memory of that video haunted the backs of my eyelids, too raw to replay but too vivid to forget. I could stay on the ground forever but as much as I wanted to wilt away in the sand I knew I couldn't. I shot another glance at the other rental, I noticed the lights upstairs were all off, but the ones in the living room weren't. I felt a strong turn in my stomach, like it was telling me to go. To run over there, try to fix everything I had destroyed. To apologize, not just for what I did, but for how deeply I hurt him without realizing. Maybe I wasn't worth the second chance but I couldn't give up without trying. Because he didn't deserve any of this, and I needed him to know that.
I slowly stood up from the ground, looking over to our house, Dani still wasn't back. So I crossed my thoughtless heart and bolted straight to the other rental. Whatever was about to happen, I knew I had to give it another shot. My legs felt heavy, my ankle throbbed. My throat dried up and I was kicking up sand as I ran. Until finally I made it into the backyard. My chest burned, each step fueled by desperation to fix what I'd shattered. My legs trembled beneath me as I walked up to the back door. I could see through the window that the living room light was on but there was no sign of anyone downstairs.
I was unsure if I should knock or if I should just open the door, or if it was even unlocked. I didn't know if I even had the right to try, but I shook the thought away and went for the handle. Turning it slowly, I realized it wasn't locked. I opened the door and the house was dead silent. The sound of the waves didn't reach this far inward. The stale air hit me first, and then I heard shuffling upstairs. My heart pounded as my left foot stepped forward, I had gone this far…I wasn't going to turn back now. I made it to the bottom of the stairs, I looked up to see his bedroom closed off to the right, the light still on. It gave me just enough strength to run up the steep staircase.
I got to his door and froze, because I hadn't thought about what to say. Words now seemed so little because my actions didn't align. I took a deep breath and knocked softly on the door, causing it to slowly creak open.
"Erik?" I said softly as my hand pressed against the door opening it further. But he said nothing. I finally gathered the courage to push it all the way open, but that was when I noticed the room was empty. The bedsheets were stripped and on the ground. The closet door was opened, the drawers were empty, his suitcases were gone. The room still had a hint of his cologne but there was no other trace. I walked over to the edge of the bed and just slid down to the ground. I was defeated. I brought my knees up to my chest, grabbing them as I clung for some kind of comfort. I let my head drop as the realization kicked in…he was gone. My eyes began to fill with tears I didn't know I still had and I didn't fight them. I was facing the repercussions of my actions all over again. I couldn't help but to remind myself that my sheer stupidity caused all of this. Caused me to lose someone so great, because in the end, hooking up with Justin did absolutely nothing besides hurt and humiliate me.
I sat there for a moment longer, wallowing in my pity until I noticed a crumbled piece of paper on the ground by the trash can. I don't know why but I crawled over and grabbed the paper, unraveling it as I leaned against the wall. My heart shattered when I read who it was for. Me.
The letter:
August,
I have a confession to make, I'd known you from a distance for a while now. You probably don't remember but we met during one of the company parties a few years back. It was short and sweet, we were both kids, we played outside in my yard with Mallory and her brother and you probably never thought anything of it. Life moved on, I started separating myself from my family and their inner circles and we never crossed paths again. I met Morgan when I was 16, and like a true lover boy I fell hard. I had created this idea of my future with her. She was my entire world for the majority of my adolescence. She taught me to be patient, to love, to care for someone other than myself. And then she tore our future to shreds. And my world fell harder than I had for her. I thought I would never make it out of my depression. I turned to drugs, to girls, to anything that would fill the gap she left. I was in a deep pit that had no light at the end of the tunnel. But then by chance, or maybe fate, a girl with a month for a name walked into the office. She was tall, had soft features, she was stunning with a smile that could melt Antarctica. Very soft spoken until pushed and somehow, she even laughed at my dumb printer jokes. I would do things so we could run into each other because something about her told me I needed to get my shit together. So I did. I worked on myself because I knew if I got the chance to even be near her I would have to give her the world. I would have to move mountains to keep her smiling, and that with her by my side the near impossible would be possible. I fought my demons and allowed myself to finally heal. I couldn't believe the chance encounter we had at the party when you came to pick up Mallory. And then getting pizza together…that was it, I was sold. Your effortless beauty. The way you still smile after what you've been through, everything about you makes it easy to want to be around you. I still can't believe you said yes. Words can't describe the feeling, but I promise if you let me, I will help you along the path to healing from the wounds your mother left. I promise to be everything you need and more. No mountain too big. No flower too rare. I just needed you to know you're worth everything I could ever give you from here and I hope until forever.
- Erik M. Diaz
The last sentence dug into my soul and ripped me open once more. But he was wrong, I don't deserve him, I don't deserve his love or his unwavering need to make me smile. Because if I was worth it, I would have never done this. I would've sulked with the fact that I lost my virginity in a drunken black out mistake. But I wouldn't have pushed the door further open. I wouldn't have let curiosity of Justin overrule the potential with Erik. If I truly deserved him I wouldn't have kissed him and then ran to Justin so he could kiss me. I wouldn't have let Justin make a mess of me. I wouldn't have fallen for two guys, I would have known Erik was the one. I turned into my worst fears. I gripped the letter tightly to my chest. His heart bled across the page, written for a version of me he believed life was perfect for. Only for me to prove it never was. My tears fell, or maybe they never stopped. I gripped the letter tighter, eyes shut, crying like I hadn't already been crying all night.
"You don't get to be the victim here." a voice cut through my sobs. I looked up to see Hannah in the doorway of Erik's room. Her eyes were sharp daggers on me, making me feel small. I swallowed the knot that lodged itself into my throat and slowly brought myself to my feet. I folded the paper, still gripping it in my hands.
"Hannah, I–I'm sorry." My pity wouldn't allow me to meet her eyes, I kept my gaze fixed on the doorknob.
"You just missed him, he rebooked his flight and left 10 minutes ago. While you were fighting with Justin he was here packing, desperate to get away from the girl who played with his heart." She said snarkily, a smug smile formed on her face for a second until it turned into a deep scowl.
I had no rebuttal, I had no energy to match hers. "I fucked up, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am…"
"Save it, August, I really don't fucking care. Justin hurt me, but you destroyed me. I trusted you with private information about my relationship with him." She took a step closer. "And you used that to your advantage. You're a sorry excuse for a friend. I should've known you couldn't be trusted."
"It wasn't like that," I sighed quietly, still defeated. "I didn't use anything to my advantage, Justin and I were already… hooking up before I found out you and him were talking. I know that's not an excuse. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt, not you, and especially not Erik."
Her eyebrows pinched together, the scowl still stiff on her lips. "The right thing to do would've been to stop fucking him the minute you found out. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel right now? I was throwing myself at him every night. I felt like something was wrong with me because he turned me down time and time again." I could tell her anger was starting to topple over. She stopped for a second, letting herself catch her breath. "Of course he wasn't gonna go for me when he bagged a virgin. That's every guy's wet dream. You're just a trophy to Justin. I hope you know that. But Erik? He would've cherished you. Broken parts and all." She hissed, and before I could say anything else she walked out of the room.
I limped over to the bed and laid back on it, trying to find any comfort that will stop me from falling into another spiral. But the lingering smell of his cologne had my head spinning fast enough to make me want to release everything I had eaten earlier today. I jolted upright, nausea gnawed at my throat. I looked around the empty room and pictured Erik pacing, frantically throwing his clothes into a suitcase. He probably found the letter, crushed it in his fist and tossed it to the trash, never meant to see the light of day.
I opened the letter once again, reading over the words that were meant for a person deserving of love. For the girl he thought was of his dreams. My heart shattered all over again as I realized he'd been in such a dark place before anything ever blossomed between us. Only for me to turn around and ruin it all over.
I stood up from the bed, the silence he left behind was louder than I could handle. The letter was still trembling in my hand. I didn't hear the footsteps behind me until Dani's voice broke through the quiet.
"August." Her voice was soft. "There you are."
I turned, just enough to see her standing in the doorway, the same one Hannah had stood in just moments ago, spitting venom about everything I'd fucked up. There was no judgement though, just soft, wide eyes that knew me all too well.
"Let's get you back home. Jacob and Allie took Justin to a hotel in town for the night. You won't see him anymore."
I nodded. I didn't trust my voice not to shatter. And as she wrapped an arm around me, I let her guide me away from everything I had ruined.