"Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you." -T.S.
Even though I tossed and turned all night, I somehow managed to still wake up early. But the minute my eyes opened I could still feel the anger in me crawling. Gnawing at me. I wanted to ignore the sounds that kept replaying in my head. Justin's grunts and Hannah's moans were playing like a broken record. It was sick. I could picture exactly what was happening between them and I couldn't erase it.
I wanted to forget everything I had felt for Justin. I wanted to take back everything we shared but it doesn't work like that. I have to live with my stupid fucking choices.
I looked over at Erik who was still peacefully asleep, unaware of the mess beside him. I nudged him. He stretched lightly, opening his eyes, meeting mine in the same glance.
"Good morning." I smiled softly. "We should probably start getting dressed. " I whispered quietly to him.
He blinked a few more times, like he was trying to blink the sleep away. "Yeah you're probably right." His voice was groggy, but gentle and it eased my anger just enough to scoot closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in even closer. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead and his chest moved a little, like he was laughing a little bit.
"I'm gonna head out right now, let you shower and stuff. Do you need help getting up or anything?" He said as he squeezed me gently, placing a kiss on my nose and then one on my lips. I didn't fight it, I leaned into it. After last night this is what I needed. To forget the sighs and moans that came out of Justin's room.
"No, my ankle is feeling fine right now, thank you though." I slowly released myself from his hold, sitting up just enough to notice how little sunlight there was outside. The sound of rain instantly roared around us.
He rolled out of bed, silently grabbed his stuff from the nightstand and slipped on his shoes. He turned over to look at me one more time before he headed out the door. His smile was light, filling the gaps I felt.
I laid still for a moment longer after he left, hesitating until I threw my legs over the edge of the bed. The wooden floor was cold underneath me. A stark contrast to the burning fire I felt in me. I stood up, slowly putting weight on my ankle and to my surprise it was feeling better. I dragged myself into the shower, turned the faucet to the coldest setting and stood there silently letting the cold water wake me up. Finally I threw on a pair of shorts, and a t-shirt over myself, ready for whatever the day had. I checked my phone and noticed a text from Mallory.
Mals: "Morning sunshine! I'll be ready in 20!"
Auggie: "Take your time I'll be downstairs."
Now that I had some time to kill I figured I'd grab a small bite to eat while Mallory finished up. I made my way downstairs, the house was silent except for the rain that was pouring just outside of our windows. I made it to the kitchen as Justin started walking out of the pantry. Popping a grape in his mouth, noticing me instantly.
He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept all night. His hair was a mess, eyes shadowed with exhaustion, and a 5 o'clock stubble darkened his jaw, something he usually shaved off the moment it showed.
He didn't say anything at first, just added another grape into his mouth. He moved an inch as I limped past him and into the pantry, praying he wouldn't say anything. I heard him clear his throat, which could only mean one thing. The moment stretched and to my surprise he didn't say anything. He stood at the door frame, watching as I reached for the granola bars on the top shelf.
I struggled but for once he didn't jump in to help me. It was strange to think that if this would've been two days ago he wouldn't have even let me limp to get my own snack. He would've carried me down the stairs, placed me on the stool, and brought out any snack I wanted, without question. I would've fought him on it but he wouldn't have budged. I would've laughed at the judgement he would've passed on me for choosing something so sugar filled this early in the morning but smiled because he would've given it to me regardless.
But now—now he was watching me stand on my tiptoes trying to reach the box. He's watching me struggle, and coming to terms with how things ended. And the minute he saw I grabbed the box he walked out. That's when it hit me, he was waiting for me to ask him for help, except I didn't because we both know how stubborn I am. I limped back out and now he was sitting on one of the kitchen stools at the side of the counter, eating his grapes, watching with a piercing gaze. I brushed it off, trying to ignore it as best as I could. I opened my granola bar and seconds later he cleared his throat again.
He looked at me, from head to toe, an eyebrow raised slightly. "Where are you going this early in the morning?" He finally asked.
But I wasn't having it. All yesterday he avoided me, avoided looking at me, every single time I was near him he would walk away. He would roll his eyes at everything I said. Like I didn't exist, or like whatever we had didn't exist. It was like we went back to the days before all of this happened, back to when he would ignore me at work.
"Oh I exist now?" I retorted, taking a bite of my bar.
He rolled his eyes and huffed. "What are you talking about, August?"
"Yesterday you could barely look at me, let alone say a single word to me, now you wanna know where I'm going?" I shot back.
"That's not true." His patience was wearing thin but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction that easily.
My eyebrows pinched together, I was annoyed and I wanted him to know that. "The last time you talked to me was yesterday morning on the balcony. Wasn't sure if you knew that I still existed."
His eyes narrowed slightly at me, I could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek. He was just as annoyed. But that's the thing, he's just as stubborn as I am. His eyes searched mine, looking for what exactly? I don't know. He shook his head, letting out a sharp quick laugh. "Well, what was I going to say to you? Congrats on finally getting Erik to ask you to be his girlfriend. 'Oh congrats August, on convincing him you're worth ignoring the red flags for.'" He scoffed, putting another grape in his mouth. That stung and he knows it.
I was mad now, but I wasn't going to let up. I scowled back at him. Letting the words spill. "I guess congratulations are in order for both of us then. Seeing as Hannah gave an Oscar worthy performance last night."
And without skipping a beat he shot back. "Can't wait to hear your Oscar worthy performance when your boyfriend doesn't know how to scratch that insatiable itch." His words now laced with venom. He narrowed his eyes at me, patiently waiting to hear what I would throw back at him. My blood began boiling, I saw red and couldn't shake the anger even if I tried.
"Did you have to think about me just to get it up?" The words spilled out before I could stop them, I shot to kill and the look on his face told me my aim was perfect. It was mean, almost too mean but it was a little too late to take it back.
He didn't say anything at first, just stared at me, blinking. Like he couldn't believe the words that I just said. "What the fuck did you just say?"
"I didn't stutter. You heard me."
He stood up slowly, grape container still in hand. "Don't go there."
"Why not? It's true, isn't it? You were broken until I walked into the room." My voice shaky now, regretting but not stopping. I took a step closer. Not shying away from the confrontation.
His voice went deadly quiet. "You don't get to weaponize something I trusted you with."
"Oh, so that's where the line is? Because you've been walking all over mine."
We were toe to toe now, both of us breathing hard, neither of us backing down.
"You know what the difference is between Erik and I?" he asked, voice rough. "He gets the nice version of you. The version that plays sweet and smiles, pure, innocent August who lets him think he's the hero. While I get this—this bitter, venom-spitting girl who can't admit she gives a shit."
"I don't give a shit," I said through clenched teeth.
"Sure you don't," he snapped, the words full of sarcasm. "That's why you're down here picking fights with me like it's foreplay and not with your little boyfriend."
"If things didn't progress with Hannah the way you wanted them to, you have no one to blame but yourself Justin." I threw another blow at him, the anger hissing through me.
"No August," he let out a laugh but not because he found this funny. But because he was going to hit low. "You're just getting to play house with Erik cause you're a better liar than me."
It worked, he hit below the belt. I could feel my eye twitch slightly. "At least I'll have someone to share my life with. While you jump to the next girl after Hannah gets tired of you thinking about me every time you're in bed with her." My voice shattered through the kitchen.
His nostrils flared, fists still clenching. His anger was bubbling over more than I had ever seen it before.
"Wonder who Erik's gonna think about when he can't get it up for you."
"You've seen me. He'll be fine," I snapped back. It was petty, but it was all I could come up with.
"Right. You're just another hot girl in a bikini."
There it was again, that fucking line. The one that tore me up days earlier. The one I told him not to say to me ever again.
I threw my granola wrapper in the sink. "Fuck you." I yelled.
"You already did," he muttered.
That was it.
I turned on my heel and began limping toward the stairs.
But of course, he couldn't leave it there.
"Go ahead," he called after me. "Run back to Erik. He'll patch you up. Tell you all the things you wish I'd said."
I didn't stop walking, I couldn't stop.
"You're real good at running, August," he said, voice louder now, echoing through the kitchen. "But you never stop long enough to ask why you're running."
I reached the bottom step and finally turned back, breathing hard.
"Because staying means getting hurt," I said. "And I've had enough of that, first with my mom and now you."
Tears began spilling out of my eyes, not from sadness but from pure, unfiltered anger. And I didn't try to stop them. He needed to see what he was doing to me.
He opened his mouth like he might say something but then shut it. Gritted his jaw. Swallowed it whole.
I didn't wait around for him to try again.
I turned away and began the slow climb up the stairs, one shaky step at a time, willing myself not to collapse, not to cry harder, not to look back.
My feet felt heavier, my soul felt crushed and as I made it to the top I couldn't believe what had just happened. The silence I left behind was deafening. It dragged out until I heard a loud crash.
The sound of something heavy being slammed against the counter echoed in the upstairs hallway. But I didn't look back. I couldn't. I just kept walking until I made it into my room. Slamming the door behind me, locking it in the same breath.
I leaned against the closed door, slowly sliding alongside it, letting my grief swallow me whole. I never meant for it to go this far. I never meant to hurt him in the process of finding myself.
'This wasn't supposed to be like this'. I cried.
My eyes stung from the tears, my lungs burned as I gasped for air. My palms pressed into my face, begging myself to stop crying but nothing worked. Because I could still hear him. Still feel every word like it was etched into my skin. I could still feel the anger and resentment he shot at me. Could still see the flare in his nostrils, the shock on his face when I spat the words 'did you have to think about me to get it up'. My own words shattering us both.
How strange that maybe I never knew him at all. I wondered if he really meant what he said. If he truly believed I was lying to myself and to Erik about who I really was. It stung to hear but maybe because my truth lay somewhere in the middle. I did hide parts of myself from Erik out of fear, of rejection, maybe out of fear of how messy the truth about me really was.
I sat on the floor quietly, face still in my hands, for a while longer. My tears had finally stopped. My heart, on the other hand, was still aching. I didn't know how much time had passed since our argument. Time doesn't exist when your life never stops from falling apart. I finally took one final deep breath and picked myself up. Limping slowly to the mirror. Having to face myself after the destruction I had caused.
My cheeks were flushed, my eyes glistened slightly though the puffiness outshined it. There was still the faintest mark Justin left around my neck. A reminder of the night on the boat. The night we pushed fate too far. But I didn't recognize myself anymore. I wasn't sure who was staring back at me. I thought I was already broken. But this. This was destruction. I had torn apart every good piece of me. I was so broken, I couldn't even picture what putting myself back together would look like.
But I couldn't stay locked in here forever. The world outside this door was still turning, never stopping for anyone. And eventually, I'd have to pretend I could keep up.
I took one more deep breath and headed for the door. Opening it quietly as I was praying, begging, wishing, downright pleading Justin wasn't downstairs anymore. Because if he was… I don't think my heart could handle a second round of that. Of pure vitriol spitting between us.
I closed my bedroom door behind me and like muscle memory my feet started moving. My throat tightened as I heard noise downstairs. I stopped at the first step, bracing myself for whatever or whoever was down below. I gripped the banister so tight my knuckles began turning white but I couldn't dwell much longer.
I practiced my smile as I walked down the steps. Focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. I was broken but I couldn't let anyone see. Not again.
I reached the bottom of the stairs, my eyes shot straight to the kitchen. I felt my shoulder tension release the second I saw Dani and Mallory standing around the kitchen counter. Easy smiles on their faces, soft laughs spilling into their coffee mugs.
Dani looked up first, a faint smile forming as she set her coffee mug down.
I patted across the floor to the kitchen, limping along the way.
Mallory's eyes narrowed just a little too long. Not enough to start a conversation, but enough to make my heart thump against my ribs. I looked away, hoping the lighting made the puffiness less obvious.
"Hey" she said casually, but her voice carried a softness I didn't need right now.
Fuck. She knows.
Dani took a small sip of her drink, and her smile faltered. "Everything okay? I thought I heard you and Justin in here earlier…" she trailed off like she wanted to say more but didn't.
My smile tightened. Here it was. The moment my mask would either hold up or fall off. My heart slammed harder into my chest, I let out a sharp exhale. I was attempting to buy myself more time before I had to say something. They both watched me, waiting patiently for my response.
I bit my lower lip, and then finally, "yeah we uh—never know when to leave well enough alone."
Dani laughed a little like she was reminiscing about Justin's and my track record but Mallory didn't say anything. Just kept looking at me like I'd only told a half truth.
I walked over to the counter, taking the stool closest to Mallory, she touched my arm for a brief second. Her silent way of telling me she's there if I needed to talk. I gave her a soft nod and a softer smile. But my facade felt like it was slowly drifting away.
"Can I get you coffee or an ice pack for your ankle?" Dani cut through the moment, no malice, just perfect timing. I was starting to feel swallowed by Mallory's sentiment.
"No I'm okay, thank you," I nodded my head slowly, offering a polite smile and I began checking my phone for any texts.
Erik: "sorry got caught up talking to Hannah and Nancy. I'll be there in 5 minutes."
I cleared my throat and glanced over at Mallory. "Erik's on his way," I said quietly. "We should probably head out."
"Have you eaten anything? You don't want to get low blood sugar while getting a tattoo." Mallory asked as she stood up from her stool.
I glanced over at the counter where I left my half eaten granola bar. The wrapper was gone, but a faint smudge of chocolate still marked the counter where I'd left it. I hadn't cleaned it up. He must have.
"I had something small earlier but I'll grab some trail mix on our way out." I responded as I slowly started to stand up from the stool.
"Okay yeah that works, I'll grab it for you if you want to start heading out." Mallory headed for the pantry, her face still riddled with concern.
Dani walked over to me, pulling me in for a tight hug. She leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Justin was outside in the front earlier. Just a heads up." She gave me a squeeze on the arm before letting go of the embrace.
I nodded, grateful for the heads up. But the sheer mention of his name again made my pulse stutter. I wasn't ready to face him, not to argue and definitely not to pretend like we hadn't said the most awful things to each other.
Mallory walked out of the pantry with fruit snacks, trail mix and waters in hand. She tossed them in a tote bag and grabbed the car keys. We started making our way to the foyer when I heard the front door click.
My feet froze as I braced for Justin to walk through the door. I turned to look at Mals and she took a step in front of me. She didn't need to be told anything to know what I was thinking. The door creaked slowly, letting the sounds of the rain fill the foyer.
Erik walked in with an umbrella and a warm smile. The tightness in my chest loosened then snapped right back. Because the guilt of everything was hanging over my head closer than ever before after the fight with Justin.
He shook the umbrella and set it off to the side. "Good morning ladies, are you two ready?" He walked over to Mallory, pulling her into a quick side hug before he walked over to me.
Our eyes locked and suddenly I was more nervous than earlier. His eyes narrowed slowly and he pulled me into a hug. "How is it that you're somehow even more beautiful than when I left?" Erik whispered in my ear, my heart cracked a little.
"Even with my sleepy eyes," I said playfully, slipping it in there, in case he noticed how red and puffy they still might be. I pulled my head back enough to make eye contact with him.
"Especially with those sleepy eyes." He cupped my face and leaned in, kissing me so gently I melted into him. Forgetting my guilt just enough to enjoy it.
We started making our way to the Jeep, Erik's arm around my waist, helping me limp all the way. I could feel his body press warmth into mine, lulling my ache. I looked around the front yard, wondering if Justin was still out here. But there was no sign of him, just the rain and an empty spot where the yellow Jeep was parked. I could only assume he had gone for a drive to clear his mind. I was glad we didn't run into him.
We piled into the car, Erik in the driver's side, Mallory in the back and me in the passenger seat. We rolled out of the driveway and headed to the tattoo parlor.
Erik turned the music down as we coasted down the highway. "So August, did you decide where you're getting your first tattoo?" His voice softened as he glanced between me and the road.
"I'm stuck between my arm or maybe my thigh? I don't know, we're getting flowers so I just want it somewhere it's going to look good." I responded, looking out the window, trying to steady my breathing.
Mallory cut in leaning forward, "I say you get it on your thigh or maybe even your buttcheek." She giggled.
I rolled my eyes playfully at the thought. "Hmm I'll pass on the ass tattoo. Where are you getting it?"
"I'm probably going to get it on my arm, like the inside part." She extended her arm, pointing at the exact spot she was considering. And I welcomed this normalcy. I didn't have to try too hard to pretend like a part of me wasn't ripped to shreds.
We chatted some more, and I played the part well as we drove up to the parking lot. Erik walked over opening my door like he always does, though the fluttering feeling wasn't there I still smiled and embraced him. I climbed out of my seat, his hand extended, ready for me to hold it. I grabbed it with zero hesitation, and the three of us began walking to the shop's front door.
The door flung open as we walked into a dark, small but clean shop. We were greeted by a tall tanned man covered in tattoos. The smell of antiseptic seeped into my nostrils, grounding me more than I expected. Mallory spoke while I stood behind her, like a kid behind their mom at the grocery store checkout. Normally I was the one in charge, doing all the leg work but this was so out of my scope that I was happy to let her handle this for us. Erik was able to be squeezed in by one of the artists and he was taken to a room in the back, while Mallory and I were escorted to a different room across the hall.
I looped my arm around Mallory's as we entered the small room. A woman with bright red lips, platinum blonde hair and perfectly styled bangs was seated on one of the rolling chairs. Her smile was soft and warm, easing some tension I held in my chest.
"Good morning, you two must be my flower girls. I believe I spoke to Mallory on the phone?" She turned to look at us both, patiently waiting.
"Yeah I spoke to you a few weeks ago. This is my best friend August, it's her first time getting a tattoo." Mallory turned to look at me, squeezing my arm gently.
I offered a smile, small but honest. "I'm a little nervous," I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Totally normal," the artist said with a soft laugh as she stood up, gesturing for us to sit. "Nerves mean you're about to do something worth remembering."
Mallory looked over at me, her eyes gleaming with something that felt like pride. "That's kind of your thing though, right? Doing things worth remembering."
I rolled my eyes but smiled for real this time. "Says the girl who once convinced me to pierce my own cartilage with a safety pin."
"And we survived, didn't we?"
"Barely."
We laughed, but it wasn't loud. It was low and warm, the kind of laugh that builds a bridge back to safer versions of ourselves. Versions from before the boys, the heartbreak, the lies. Before I became a version of myself I didn't always recognize in the mirror.
"I'm Hazel by the way," she said as she patted the chair in front of her, waiting for one of us to take it.
Mallory shot a glance at me and I bit my lower lip, I was hesitant to go first. She relented, taking the seat first.
"So I have the sketch you emailed me, you drew it right?" She asked Mallory as she scrolled through the I-pad in her hand.
"Yeah," Mallory responded.
"Okay, we have two options. I traced your exact design, just cleaning up some of the line work but I also drew a sketch myself with the ideas you had in mind. Here let me show you two." She zoomed in on a picture of what Mallory had drawn out on the folded piece of paper I still had in my purse. Except there weren't any eraser markings and the lines were perfect. Then she showed us a different picture, the same flowers, a few carnations and a few morning glories. Perfectly drawn in a cohesive bouquet. Mallory and Hazel were in a deep discussion on what course would fit best. I reached into my bag and pulled out the folded paper. I let my fingers drag over the flowers, seeing every pencil stroke Mallory did. And somehow I could picture her drawing it, probably sitting at the counter with a glass of wine and some loud music in the background. I could see her erasing and redrawing it over and over again, trying to get it perfect enough for me to even consider it to be etched on my body. I could picture myself staring at it in the mirror, bringing back every memory Mallory and I ever shared.
And then that took me back to that fateful fourth of July block party that my mom reluctantly agreed to let me go to. How Mals had embraced my shy nature, pushing me just enough to feel like I belonged but never enough to make me want to go back home. And that was all it took. That was the day our hearts bound to each other and we would be sister's for the days to come. A different ache pressed into my heart, every tear, every moment, every heartbreak, every failure, every victory. It was Mallory by my side, not my mom, not anyone else. Always her.
"So Auggie, what's it going to be? The first one or the second one? Personally I'm obsessed with her bouquet, like look at all the colors!" Mallory's voice cut through my thoughts. And while I couldn't deny what Hazel drew was absolutely gorgeous, something tugged at my heartstrings revisiting the original drawing I hadn't paid much attention to before. It had Mallory's heart poured all over it. I couldn't picture it any other way.
"Yeah," I finally said, "It's so pretty and I really like it but, if I'm honest…" I swallowed hard, a small knot forming in my throat. "I prefer your original sketch, with the cleaner lines of course, but what you drew is the exact chaos you and I breed and I don't want us any other way." My heart thrummed in my chest, this was real, I was about to create permanence with my best friend; no, my sister.
"Are you sure?" Mallory's eyebrows pinched, but her smile cracked through. I didn't say anything, just nodded and shared the same little smile.
"Alright perfect, let me get this on the stencil printer and then we'll get you both started." Hazel grabbed the I-pad from Mallory and walked out of the room, leaving us to our own devices.
"You better not regret picking my drawing 'cause it's expensive to get a tattoo removed," Mallory laughed as she grabbed the paper from my hand, giving it one more look.
"For starters, if I remember correctly tiny Mals wanted to be an artist so these flowers are near perfection just not in a bouquet tied with a little bow kinda way." I playfully shot back, "but I promise, this is what I want and there's no way I'd have it any other way."
She handed me back the piece of paper and I folded it neatly back into my bag. We sat quietly for a moment, until she started getting a little restless in her seat.
She turned to look at me, a question written all over her face. "You sure you're okay?"
My lips tightened on my face, fighting to form a smile that wouldn't come. "Yeah, for now I am."
"I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I heard yelling and then I realized I heard you yelling and…" Her eyes met mine, her words hitting me as I realized she probably heard the whole argument. The walls started feeling like they were closing in on me and all I wanted to do was run out of the small room.
I exhaled sharply, avoiding her soft gaze on me. "I don't know how I got here Mals," was all I could muster out of me .
Her lips pouted slightly, and then it turned into an all knowing gentle smile, something closer to pity than anything else. "Hot forbidden Justin sex is how you got here." She whispered, a tucked in laugh came out of her closed lips. My cheeks flushed for a second, she wasn't wrong.
"Yup hot, forbidden, earth shattering Justin sex."
"Oh earth shattering! That's what it was," she exclaimed quietly. "I'm sorry you're going through this Auggie, and Erik asking you to be his girlfriend was probably like the worst timing."
"I wouldn't call it the worst timing, I would call it…" I sat and thought for a second, because yesterday I was so sure it was divine timing on his part, it was my escape route from this burning house I lit on fire. Yesterday, Erik's offer felt like a lifeline. But today, it felt like a clean white shirt I'd smeared with bloodied hands. "I would call it my luck." I laughed softly.
She extended her hand out to me and I hesitated for a second before grabbing it, letting her ground me further. She was pulling me out of my spiral without even realizing it.
"You had your fun with Justin, let that be that. Let it stay in that bedroom of yours that needs a serious sage cleanse and leave it all behind." She gave my hand a tight squeeze before letting go and pulling her hand back to her lap. I opened my mouth to argue, but there was nothing left worth defending. "I think you and Justin owe each other apologies for what you shouted to one another and that should be all the closure either of you get because you were an explosion waiting to happen. I'm just glad Dani and I were the only ones to hear it." She offered me one more smile before Hazel walked in with a handful of papers in her hands.
"Alright ladies, let's begin!" Hazel exclaimed, unaware of the heavy, air depleted room she just walked into.