"Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? It's just a game but really… I'm bettin' on all three for us two." -T.S.
We hung around for a while longer, making light conversation until Dani yawned and stretched. "Alright y'all, I'm exhausted, drunk and I look like my 73 year old nana. I'm calling it a night."
Dani stood up and Marshall followed, they stepped out of the Jacuzzi and grabbed the empty bottle on their way back to the house. Mallory let out a long yawn and turned to look at me.
"I think we should call it a night. Are you gonna be alright? Or do you wanna do a sleepover?" Her face expressed her worry but all I wanted to do was shower and go to sleep.
I shook my head lightly and gave her a small smile. "No I'll be alright, I promise."
We both stood up and made our way back to the table. I could feel their glances pressing on me but this time my smile came out easier and lighter. Erik's eyes finally met mine but his expression was neutral. I was the first to look away as I entered the house. Mallory and I made our way upstairs, she gave me a quick hug and she walked to her room as I entered mine.
I closed the door behind me, taking a deep breath as I turned the lights on. Immediately my eyes darted to Erik's black t-shirt on my bed. Shit. I still had it and with everything that happened I completely forgot. Part of me wanted to keep it, I don't truly know why, but the other part of me felt like this would be the perfect opportunity to talk to him. I'm not ready for the big conversation and I'm probably too drunk for it but I also don't want to leave it so open ended. I sighed as I pulled my phone out.
I hovered over the screen, typing and erasing every message I wrote out. Nothing felt right. I felt too all over the place for this. I had a message typed out and I went to delete it but pressed send instead. I gasped, tossing my phone onto the bed. Drunk August really doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.
August: "I still have your shirt btw. I'd bring it down for you but I'm kinda drunk and barely made it to my room. You're welcome to come get it right now if you'd like."
I started feeling overwhelmed and nervous. Because if he ignores it and doesn't text back I don't know if we'll recover. But if he says yes and comes up…we'll have to at the very least address some stuff. Moments later I heard my text tone go off.
Erik: I'll be up in a few. We're all just saying goodnight.
I felt a tightness in my stomach reading the message. I knew he'd be here soon and my nerves kicked in. I looked around the room and noticed one of Justin's shirts at the corner of my room. And there was no hiding it was his because a few days ago everyone made fun of how bright pink it was. I grabbed it and tossed it in the hamper, covering it with a few towels. I took another glance to make sure there were no more surprises. I knew I had a few condoms lying around but none in sight, the thought of him finding one made me even more anxious.
After giving my room one more sweep, everything seemed perfectly in place and perfect timing because he knocked the minute I was done. I tiptoed to the door not wanting to sound overly eager even though I was everything but. I opened the door slightly and Erik stood there quietly.
I opened the door wider and stepped to the side. "You can come in. Sorry if it's a bit messy." He took a few steps in and I shut the door behind me, locking it out of habit. He heard the lock and his eyebrows twitched but I quietly pleaded ignorance as I walked past him. As I walked past by the mirror I could see our reflection, I started feeling guilty for having him stay shirtless the entire night. I knew I had to apologize for that first.
"I'm sorry for holding your shirt hostage. I should've brought it down when I first changed." I said as I took a seat on the edge of my bed. He pulled the vanity chair out quietly and sat down.
"It's all good, we're in Hawaii so the air is nice and humid. Perfect weather to be shirtless." His smile was soft but his eyes held the weight of his sadness.
I reached for his t-shirt that was on the other side of the bed, I grabbed it and tossed it to him. He put it on the minute I gave it back to him. "Back to its rightful owner. Thanks again. Hunter's tank top was a recipe for disaster." I laughed a little at how much I actually bared wearing his tank top.
"Yeah one wrong move and…" he stopped himself but he still laughed.
I don't know why but I wondered if he thought about me like that. If he wanted me the way Justin always wants me. But I brushed the thought off. The last thing I needed to think about was sex with Justin. Justin is what got me in this mess in the first place. He realized I was deep in thought and he cleared his throat slightly and shifted in his seat.
I stalled for a brief moment but I knew I couldn't put it off much longer. The elephant was not just in the room but was sitting on my chest. "I…I'm sorry for kissing Justin during that truth and dare game and for not telling you about it."
Erik's voice was quieter than usual when he spoke, as if he was measuring his words. "I just… I don't get why you didn't tell me. We're spending all this time together, and you just kept it from me. That's what hurts more than anything."
My heart pounded. I hadn't expected the calmness, but there was a deep sadness in his tone that made me regret not being more upfront with him. "I didn't think it mattered. I mean, we're not exclusive… I guess I didn't think you'd care."
"You're right. We're not exclusive. But we've spent a lot of time together these last two weeks. And the fact that you didn't think it would matter, makes it feel like you don't really see me the way I see you." His voice was still soft but stern. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. It made me feel even guiltier for everything Justin and I had done and continued doing throughout the trip. I've always considered Erik but looking back…did I actually?
My stomach churned, I hadn't meant to make him feel small, but I did. This battle between what my heart wanted versus what my body craved was starting to unravel in a way I hadn't expected. I hadn't thought about what would happen if Erik found out. A kiss is one thing but sex? Not just the sex but the fact that Justin was my first, and the fact that we never stopped hooking up. What would he think of me, of us then?
"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just didn't know how to tell you. I was… scared it would change things."
"You know how you tell me?" He asked, but I wasn't sure if he was looking for an answer. I just nodded no.
"You tell me by telling me. You put it out there and we figure it out together. We're not exclusive, I know that, but I thought we had more respect for each other than to hide things."
His words hit me like a ton of bricks, and they crushed me in a way I hadn't expected. The weight of everything I'd kept from him, everything I was still keeping from him…was suffocating. He wanted me to be honest, and part of me longed to tell him everything, to be completely open. To tell him about Justin, about the nights I spent with him, about how I'd let him into my life in ways I couldn't seem to shake. The way I shared myself with Justin in ways I never shared myself with anyone else. Would I be able to admit to him that even though in my future I saw him, I wasn't ready to stop hooking up with Justin?
But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud.
My stomach twisted into knots as I imagined the words spilling out how everything would change if I admitted that Justin had been more than a fleeting mistake, more than just a moment in a game. That every time Erik kissed me goodnight, I was walking right back to Justin. That even the late-night calls, the times when I'd convinced myself that what I had with Erik was special, were tainted by the secrecy, by the way I kept running back to Justin for something I couldn't stop.
I could see Erik's disappointment in his eyes, and it felt like a mirror to all the ways I had disappointed myself. Could I really do this to him? Could I lay everything bare and expect him to forgive me? Or would he look at me like I was just another lie, another version of me I'd built to protect myself from feeling too much?
I wanted to be honest. I wanted to be someone who could just say the truth and trust that the world wouldn't fall apart. But that wasn't me. I wasn't ready to lose him, not like that. Not knowing that every moment we'd shared had been tainted by secrets. I didn't want him to know how far I'd gone with Justin, how much I'd let myself drown in him, even though I knew deep down I should have never let it get this far.
I wanted to say it. I wanted to blurt it all out and have him understand that this was my mess, not his. But I couldn't.
This hole I dug was too deep, and no matter how much I wanted to reach out for Erik, to let him pull me from it, I couldn't make myself climb out. I couldn't face the truth. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
He sensed the struggle I was feeling and stood up from his chair, walking over to sit beside me on the edge of the bed. His presence felt like both a comfort and a reminder of how much I had to lose.
"August," he started softly, his tone was a mix of caution and hurt, "I just need you to be honest with me. We've spent so much time together… but I can't keep guessing where I stand. If there's something going on… with Justin, or whatever this is, I just need to know."
I could feel the weight of his words, the subtle ache behind them. He wasn't accusing me, but I couldn't ignore the quiet plea for transparency. And that only made me feel more trapped in my own mess.
I met his gaze, trying to steady my thoughts, but the weight of it all crashed in on me. I didn't have the energy for more lies or running around in circles. I just had to say something that felt real.
"I see a future with you, Erik. Not just these last couple of weeks, but long summer vacations, or drinking coffee in the morning on those rainy Washington days. I see us creating traditions I didn't even know I wanted. I see us adopting a puppy and not knowing what we got ourselves into. I don't know… I just see you in it." My voice was steady, but the emotions crept up anyway.
It hit me harder than I expected. The future, the one I wanted, was right there in front of me. And yet, here I was—caught in the mess I had made, unable to keep my feet grounded. My fingers tightened around the edge of the bed as I fought to push the tears back.
"But I can't do this right now." I let out a shaky breath. "I'm too drunk for this. I'm a mess, and I know it." I rubbed my temples, feeling the familiar weight of everything left unsaid. "I'm sorry, Erik. I really am. I didn't want to drag you into this."
He put his arm around me, pulling me close, and I let myself melt into his chest. "August," he murmured softly, "Let's just table this for now. This is a lot for both of us. It's not fair for you to admit all of this if you aren't in the right state of mind." I lifted my head to meet his eyes, and he placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I felt a single tear slip down my cheek, and I wiped it quickly before he could notice.
Even though whatever was happening with Justin was stuck in my brain, I meant every word I said about Erik and somehow, that made it worse.
He finally let go of the embrace and stood up from the bed. He exhaled, long and slow, like he had been holding his breath but could finally let it out. "I should probably get going, so you can shower and get some rest."
The minute he headed for the door I felt an ache in me. I didn't want him to leave, I wanted him to just hold me. All night I felt like I had lost him and right now all I want is him. "Erik, wait…" He stopped before he grabbed the doorknob. He turned to look at me and I paused for just a moment. Afraid of what he would say to my request but I pushed past the anxiety. I guess I still had liquid courage.
"I don't know how to say this, but I feel so alone right now, and I can't shake it. I don't need to talk more about all of this. I just need you here. I need to be held, Erik. Just for tonight. Stay?"
He stared at me for a moment, maybe waiting for me to change my mind but when I didn't he nodded his head slowly. "Okay."
He turned back around and sat back down on the chair. We sat in silence for a second and then I stood and made my way to the bathroom. I stopped half way and turned to look at him.
"I'm gonna shower but I won't be long, you're welcome to lay down if you'd like."
"Take your time, I'm probably just going to look through some emails I've been needing to catch up on." He took his phone and instantly started scrolling and typing.
I grabbed my oversized shirt and some clean underwear and ran into the bathroom. I decided to start my pre-sleep prep, brush teeth, brush hair, wash my face all before I showered so I wouldn't take long in there. After I finished brushing my teeth I heard a loud knock at my bedroom door. It was sharp and loud, it threw me back a bit especially since it was really late in the night. I got closer to the bathroom door and cracked it enough to hear Erik opening the bedroom door. I instantly recognized his voice.
Justin.
"Oh hey man, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were… I saw her light on and I just wanted to check in and make sure she was okay."
"She's okay, she'll talk to you when she's ready."
"Oh, okay. Yeah. Have a goodnight Erik."
"Goodnight." Erik shut the door in the same breath and I did too hoping not to get caught eavesdropping. My heart pounded in my chest, I mean sure I wasn't ready to talk to him but a part of me is curious to hear what he had to say. I tried to ignore the pull in my stomach and I jumped in the shower, hoping it would calm me.
It felt weird having Erik spend the night, when usually it's Justin staying with me. Things would be so different if it was him. He would be in the shower with me, making it impossible to actually shower. I don't know how I always find myself thinking back to him and what we do. Maybe it's the liquor, maybe it's the hormones but I turned the water to a colder setting, so maybe cold water will snap me out of those thoughts.
I finished my shower routine, and slipped into my oversized tee. I started regretting not getting some shorts, I felt vulnerable in just my underwear and a shirt. But the more I thought about it, the more comfortable I felt. He had already seen me in my smallest bikini, a thong is no different than last night's bathing suit. Besides it was covered by a shirt, also the fact that I still wasn't fully sober was helping.
I stepped back out to my room, greeted by Erik sitting exactly where he had been when I left still on his phone.
"Hey, who was at the door earlier? I heard it but I was already undressed." Truthfully I don't know why I asked when I already knew who, I think it's because I wanted to see his reaction when he told me.
He looked up for a second, and cleared his throat quietly. "Oh uh it was Justin." He watched me intently, he was looking for my reaction too.
My eyebrows furrowed slightly, a small frown formed on my lips. I was still actually upset with Justin but I knew I had to play up the part with Erik. "What did he want?" I tried to have no inflection in my tone.
"He came to check in on you, but I told him you'd talk to him when you were ready." His face softened for a second but he quickly turned his attention back to his phone.
"Thank you for that. I don't know when I'll be ready to talk to him. But what I do know is I never wanna be called a hot girl in a bikini ever again." My laugh came out sharper than I thought it would, his head shot up and his smile told me he also found it a little funny.
"What side of the bed do you sleep on?" I asked softly as I made my way to the bed.
He stood up from the chair and stretched lightly. "I normally sleep on the left but I'm okay taking the right if that's your side."
I paused for a moment to think about it. Justin had slept over last night, we showered before bed but I still couldn't risk him getting a whiff of Justin's cologne from the pillow. So I lied. Again.
"No it's okay I sleep on the right side." I offered him a small smile sensing he felt my hesitation.
"Works out perfectly." He started walking over to the left side of the bed, kicking his shoes off and slipping out of his shirt. The minute he got to his pants though, he stopped and looked at me. I could tell he wasn't sure whether I was okay with him being in just boxers. But the same logic ran through my head, if I had seen him in his swimming trunks his boxers were no different. Especially since some of his shorts were rather short.
"It's okay. I want you to feel comfortable." I nodded slowly as I made my way under the covers. After a few more seconds of hesitation, I heard his zipper go down and his pants drop to the floor. He walked over to shut off the lights and seconds later I felt him next to me in bed. I could feel my heart beating in my rib cage, wanting to beat out of my chest. And then I felt the warmth of his body radiating close to mine.
I scooted closer to him, closing the gap and now we were skin to shirt. He raised his arm and wrapped it around my shoulder, pulling me into his chest. I could smell his cologne the closer I got and I almost instantly melted into his hold. I shifted my body just enough to see his face, and the way his eyes twinkled under the moonlight that was seeping through the curtains. I felt safe in his embrace and by the feeling of his grip I think he knew that. He pulled me closer to him and placed a soft kiss on my temple. For a moment I heard his words pass through my mind again.
Don't break my heart, August.
And somehow it stings more now. I think he definitely can sense that there's more with Justin than I'm allowing myself to tell him. But the thing about Erik is that he doesn't push. He doesn't pry. It's one of the things I love and hate about him. I wish he would just shake me and tell me to get over whatever it is I have with Justin and make me his. But then… I think about how sweet and gentle he is, and his patience with me is so fresh and comforting. I don't feel any pressure.
Part of me worries if the sexual attraction just isn't the same or even there. Whether it's because I'm not feeling it with him or he's not feeling it with me. The times we've kissed, I've felt a spark but the hesitation always pulls me back. Obviously that's my own doing. He doesn't know what he doesn't know and that's not his fault. It's mine.
"Are you sleepy?" He leaned in close and whispered.
"Not really, I thought the alcohol would have knocked me out by now but I think my shower sobered me up enough."
I reached for his other arm and wrapped it around me as I shifted my body to its side, making him the big spoon to my little spoon. He didn't fight it, instead he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer into his body. I scooted back into him, seconds later I felt…something. I laughed a little, knowing what was happening and I didn't want to say anything but I couldn't help myself. I needed to push the limits on how comfortable I was or wasn't with him. And whether or not there was something more there than just a kiss or two. I guess I needed to know if I at the very least…turned him on. "Are you…um—"
"Yeah…I am so sorry, I had a few drinks myself and I honestly didn't think this would happen but uh yeah…I'm kinda hard." His laugh was soft but genuine. "I can be the little spoon if you're uncomfortable? I promise I'm not expecting anything from you or from tonight." He lifted his arm off of me and I turned to look at him. I didn't want to be the big spoon, I wanted to kiss him. So I did.
His lips met mine in a gentle kiss, at first. Slowly our lips were molding into each other. I could feel his hands hovering over my waist until finally he grabbed me and pulled me in, in the same beat. My hand met the back of his neck holding him closer, while my leg wrapped around his leg until we were fully tangled. Losing ourselves to the moment we never let get ignited. But this time, this time we didn't stop. I could feel his hands travel from my waist to my back, gripping me tighter.
He pulled away for a split second and whispered "you are intoxicating," and seconds later I was on top of him. Straddling him by his hips, meeting his lips once again. His hands moved to my back, underneath my shirt, but I could feel him hesitating. I pushed myself off of him just enough to take my shirt off. He watched me carefully as I slipped it off and tossed it to the side. His hands started at my knees and gently glided up my thighs but he stopped at my hips. I grabbed his hands and guided them across my body, tracing the outline of my shape. His touch sent tingles all throughout my skin. And with my hands on top of his I slowly guided them to my chest, his fingers gripping me softly. He let out a low moan. "August." His hands traveled to my neck and in one swift motion he pulled me back into a kiss.
This time our bodies met skin to skin. He had one hand on my neck while the other hand continued to travel around my back. I shifted a little back and in between my thighs I could finally feel how badly he wanted me, so I shifted my hips enough to grind back on him. I felt his breath catch on my lips and his grip around my hips tightened. Now there were just two thin pieces of fabric stopping what we both felt we wanted so badly.
I could feel myself wanting to take it further as his fingers slid between the back of my thong and my skin pulling them down gently but never enough to take them off. The more he explored the harder it felt to pull away. I tilted my head up enough to let him find his way to my neck. His lips were soft against my jaw, but the deeper they moved down the more intense his kiss felt. He finally found the sensitive spot on my neck that always drove me crazy. My hips at this point had a mind of their own, moving with every kiss I felt.
It took everything in me to not just let him fuck me right then and there. But again, this was Erik. And the second he reached the top part of my chest right before putting his lips on my boob, he came to a dead stop. I pulled myself a little bit down, enough to sit up straight and fully meet his eyes. His eyes were begging me to keep going but his lips…his words…told me to stop.
"I want you so bad, you have no idea." His eyes traveled down my exposed chest and he let out a sharp exhale. Like he was regretting stopping. "But we can't. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. We're both too drunk to be doing this, I'm sorry I shouldn't have pushed."
The worst part about all of this was that he was right. This wasn't supposed to happen like this, it was supposed to be on my wedding night with my husband but he doesn't know that that dream died two weeks ago. It died along with the idea that my mom was sick and dying of cancer. It died along with my entire belief of what my life was supposed to look like. The worst part is that I can't tell him that yet.
So I let him stop. I stayed on top of him for a while longer just watching him. His hands were still firm on my hips, his fingers brushing along the lines of my underwear as I stayed straddled on top. His eyes traveled around my entire body but he stayed focused between my chest and my face. The moment suddenly turned funny in my head. Like how did I end up here, so I covered my mouth to stop the laugh but it was too late, because he was laughing along with me. I leaned over and gave him one last kiss, no more burning desire, just a "I'm okay this happened," kiss. I lifted myself off of him and laid back down in his arms.
I didn't bother putting my shirt on, he'd seen me all at this point and the warmth from skin to skin is always my favorite part after these intense moments. Except this time it felt different. With Justin there was always a sense of urgency between us, like the faster he was inside me the more time we'd have. But that was far from the truth because we would spend hours together afterwards. Like the pull was so strong we had to get that desire out of the way before anything real could happen. It was a complicated feeling I never understood until right now. The heat, the passion, the build up was all there but it wasn't a fleeting feeling. It wasn't going anywhere, it was steady in place. I turned to look at Erik, who was lost in thought until he sensed my gaze.
"Is everything okay?" His face showed genuine concern, and that look he always gives me was back. The pointed look, like I'm so fragile I might break so he has to be extremely cautious with me. It was something about the way he looked at me that made me feel so small but not in a negative way.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just checking in on you too. That was…intense." I let out a quick burst of laughter that bubbled up in my chest. I still didn't know how to be intimate and so vulnerable with him. This piece of me that I had only shared with Justin up to this point. Maybe I was more fragile than I realized, but if I am, it's not because of this. This isn't the thing that breaks me.
If anything, it's the thing that helps mend what I didn't know was broken. Like pieces in a puzzle fitting perfectly together. And when the puzzle is complete it makes sense. I don't know if it's because of how much I suppressed it growing up but it's definitely one of my favorite discoveries so far.
Sex is great, making out is great, feeling wanted…no…feeling needed is great. Knowing now that I do definitely do it for him, well I think that's going to further complicate things for me in the best way. I know I didn't want it to be complicated with Erik but somehow this is okay even if I don't know what it means yet.
We lay there silently, just soaking up each other's comfort. Part of me wanted to pry, and to ask how everything made him feel. Maybe even ask him if he's thought about what sex for us might look like, but doing that might open a can of worms that needs to stay closed for now. His arm lazily grazed mine for a while before he tightened his grip on me one last time. At some point, the coziness, the quiet, and maybe the alcohol pulled us both under. Me still topless, a dumb smile on my face, sleeping.