this is me trying.
"Pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down."
Growing up, there was nothing I hated more than shopping. Every Sunday my mom would wake me up early in the morning, take me to eat at a diner and we would spend countless hours in Olympic Village. Each shop knew her by name and she would shop to her heart's content. I was never truly materialistic, I like clothes and I enjoy the occasional new accessory but my mom and Mallory are obsessed with current fashion trends. Everything new and off the runway had to be in their closets, no exceptions. That is the one and only thing my mom and Mallory have in common. My mom has never been a fan of Mallory. She thought and continues to think that she is a bad influence on me. But I like to believe it's the opposite. Besides staying out very late last night, the craziest thing I'd ever done was ride a bicycle without a helmet. I got the butt whooping of a lifetime and that lecture lasted 3 hours. Never again did I ride a bike without a helmet though.
I made it to the mall a little after 5pm and I waited in my car until Mallory finally showed up. Her hair was a little disheveled and her eyes looked bloodshot like she had been crying. I walked over to her and she gave me a hug but didn't let go right away. I could tell something was wrong but I didn't want to pry.
"So where should we start?" I asked. She let go of my embrace and attempted to fix her hair.
"Let's start at Nordstrom." She said with a smile that didn't meet her eyes.
The air is thick with an aura that I couldn't put my finger on. We began walking to the escalators. On the way up she received a phone call and I overheard a little bit of it, and immediately I knew her tears were because of Mark.
"Mals, what's going on?" I asked her as we entered the department store.
"Ugh, it's Mark…he broke up with me because he thinks I'm going to cheat on him while I'm in Hawaii." she huffed, grabbing a dress off the rack in front of us.
"You? Cheat? It sounds like he is gonna cheat while you're gone but doesn't want to feel guilty."
"I know and I told him that, but he said that he knows how tempted I'm gonna be with all the "men" from work I'm gonna be around every day. But he is the only one I want," she said, trying to hide the tears that began streaming down her face.
"Maybe it's for the better. I think he is doing you a favor." I caressed her arm trying to comfort her but I could tell she didn't like what I said.
"I just don't understand why my dad doesn't let him join us, I mean Dani's husband is going." She said as she put the dress back on the rack and crossed her arms.
"Because Marshall works with us. It's no secret that I don't like Mark but I hate seeing you unhappy more…I think it's time to cut clean from him. Take it one step at a time and focus on what you really want."
"But all I want is Mark. Auggie you just don't get it. And that's not your fault, you've just been unlucky in love but when you meet someone and it drives you crazy how much you love them, then you'll understand."
I just rolled my eyes because I know I could never talk her out of it, this is her defense each time, that I've never been "in love" before so I couldn't possibly grasp that it's okay for your "soulmate" to mistreat you, constantly.
"I get that I've never felt that level of love before but the way you're being treated is definitely not the kinda love you deserve."
She rolled her eyes but didn't respond. We looked at dresses in silence, I was tired of prying and she was tired of talking. I looked at dress after dress but nothing was calling to me. I'm too distracted trying to grasp the concept of someone who looks like Mallory being so hung up on a guy that is the literal personification of a wet sock. I don't know much about Mark, I just know that he's 32, has no job prospects and leeches off of Mallory and his elderly mom. Oh and that he's been to jail for drug possession. Every girl's wet dream…
"So, uh, if i'm able to clear it with my mom i'll be going on my first date with Erik this saturday." I said finally breaking the silent tension.
"Where's he taking you?" she asked, while digging through a full rack of clothes.
"Uhm I actually don't know, he just said he was gonna pick me up at 6, he also didn't give me a dress code. I wanted to get a new outfit but I don't even know what to get."
"Well, ask him? And see if it's formal, or casual. Especially while we're still here!" She said, this time with a little lightness in her voice.
"Yeah you make a good point, I'll text him right now."
August: "question…what's the dress code for Saturday? Just curious :)"
Erik: "Semi-formal attire should be fine."
August: "perfect, thank you!"
"Okay so what does semi-formal even mean?" I asked Mallory who was now trying on a pair of sunglasses.
"Ooooo semi formal! Okay I can work with that, now are we going slutty or modest?" She giggled.
"Slutty obviously" I said sarcastically.
The tension between Mallory had dissipated and her sadness had shrunk as we tried on dress after dress. After not finding anything we wanted, we jumped to the next store. It's been a while since I've gone on a date, the last boyfriend I had was right before I left school about a year ago. His name was David, we met in Marine Biology Lab and instantly hit it off. I liked him, maybe even loved him and I really began to see a future with him. It wasn't until he realized I wasn't joking about the whole "waiting til after i'm married," that he ended things. I cried for days when he broke up with me. I was starting to believe I just wasn't meant to have someone in my life romantically.
Since coming home to take care of my mom, guys weren't really on my radar. My main focus and priority was my moms health. My life came second. Now that she is doing better and we see the light at the end of the tunnel, I've begun to think about my future and want to put myself out there finally. And even though I really liked Erik for a while I probably wouldn't have been so bold if he didn't show interest first.
We tried a handful of dresses for the next hour or so until I landed on a gorgeous emerald green silk dress that compliments my golden complexion. It's a strappy mid length dress with a slit along the side. It hugged my figure perfectly without embellishing things I didn't want it to.
"This one is it," Mallory radiated as she pulled my hair away from my face.
"Yeah?" I smiled, staring at myself in the mirror. I began to notice little details about myself. I looked genuinely happy for once. My brown eyes, which I once hated because I wished they were blue like Mallory's, showed true happiness. My long hair once lifeless had volume I'd never seen. "I am happy and it's showing," I thought to myself.
"Auggie, you look gorgeous, Erik should feel so lucky" Mallory said, fixing the back part of my dress. "I would even size down if I were you." she stated.
"Size down? Why? I think this fits me perfectly?"
"Because if you size it down it will accentuate your curves and give your boobs a little lift" she said as she fake pressed against my chest.
"My non-existent curves and my precious little gems need a lot more than a size down." I giggled.
"Just trust me on this, Auggie!" she exclaimed. I gave in to the smaller size and Mals was right, everything looked better than before. I gave myself one more glance in the mirror and I could see Mallory staring at me like she was a proud mom. My smile faded thinking about the scuffle we had earlier.
She noticed and her smile faded as well. "Auggie are you okay?" She asked.
"Are we okay?" I rebutted. She nodded yes and her face softened. "
I know you care about me, and I know I deserve better. One day I'll break the cycle but right now…I'm in the thick of it."
"I'll back off a bit but I'm here if you need me. No matter what and no matter when, okay?" I turned to face her and she had her head down. I dropped the topic and decided to distract her with shopping.
"Okay now what shoes? Platforms? Flats?" I said and her face beamed.
"So Erik is like almost 6 feet and you're like? 5 '7 on a good day? So you can definitely get away with pumps but I'm thinking strappy would look better. An open toe is a must obvi."
Any time I spend with Mallory reminds me why she's my best friend. We talk endlessly, laugh until our sides hurt, and never seem to run out of things to say. Even though she's been distant lately, I know she's still the same silly Mallory I grew up with. Mark may have chipped away at her self-esteem, but every now and then, I catch a glimpse of her old self. It reassures me that she's still in there somewhere, even if buried beneath all the hurt he's caused.
They've been on and off for two years now. The first time they broke up, I was home for the holidays. It all started because of a Christmas gift—this small stuffed animal that reminded her of one she had as a kid.
It was a flamingo she'd gotten on a childhood trip to the zoo. She named him Bert, and for years, he went everywhere with us. Bert wasn't perfect, his beak had a funny, crooked shape because he was defective, but she loved him all the more for it. She got him for 50 cents, and to her, he was priceless. Over time, Bert wore down: his legs fell off, his once-vivid pink faded to a pale, grimy hue, and his unique beak lost its shape. By the time she had to let him go, he was more gray than pink.
So when Mallory stumbled upon a similar stuffed flamingo at a bookstore, complete with a crooked beak like Bert's, she was over the moon. She didn't want jewelry or anything fancy for Christmas, just that flamingo. She begged Mark, saying it was the only thing she wanted.
But he refused. He called it "stupid, worthless garbage" and berated her for even asking. He went on about how she wasn't the only person he had to buy presents for and accused her of being selfish. Then he launched into a lecture about the true meaning of Christmas and how she shouldn't even expect gifts at all.
All that, over a $10 stuffed flamingo.
And then, after all the arguing, he broke up with her.
Mallory was devastated. She pleaded with him for days, but he wouldn't budge. At least, not until after New Year's, when he came crawling back, declaring he'd made "the biggest mistake of his life."
To win her back, he bought her a bright green jellyfish plush, her least favorite color, but somehow she ended up loving it anyway. From that moment, she was his again, no matter what anyone else said.
Even now, I think he broke up with her over the flamingo just to avoid buying her a gift, just like he broke up with her now that she's going away, so he won't feel guilty cheating on her while she's gone.
As Mallory smiles at me, I can't shake the feeling that something's changed. There's a subtle difference in her that I can't quite put my finger on, but it gnaws at me. I hope one day she'll feel comfortable enough to open up about it.
For now, though, I'll take what I can get.
Three more shops and ten outfits later, we finally wrapped up our shopping spree. On the way to the food court, we ran into Hannah, one of Mallory's coworkers. She's tall, blonde, and picture-perfect, like a Miss America beauty queen with her flawless smile and immaculately styled hair. I don't talk to her much, but Mallory seems to like her, so I'm always polite.
"Oh my gosh, Mal! Hi! Are you excited for Hawaii?" Hannah's voice rang out, cheerful as ever but somehow not annoying.
"Yes!" Mallory squealed.
Hannah turned to me with a friendly smile. "Are you going too, August?"
"Yeah, I am! Hawaii is gorgeous. I'm excited to go back," I said, smiling.
"What are you two up to?" she asked.
"Just doing some last-minute shopping," Mallory replied, "and probably grabbing a bite to eat. Sooo...did you end up talking to him?"
Hannah let out an exasperated sigh. "Ugh, I just can't read him. One minute, he's flirty, and I think he's finally going to ask me out, but the next, he's completely stone cold."
I felt out of place, unsure who they were talking about, but before I could ask, Mallory chimed in. "I wish guys weren't so difficult to read. Mark just broke up with me for going on this trip."
"What?! Are you serious?" Hannah gasped. "Girl, I think it's time to move on from him. He's such an ass."
"I'll say," I added.
Both of them turned to look at me.
"Auggie, you have no leg to stand on. You're dating Mr. Perfect," Mallory teased with a pout.
"Oh my god! Who are you dating? Is it Erik? I heard a rumor you two were a thing," Hannah said, her face lighting up with curiosity.
I felt my cheeks heat up at the mention of Erik. "We're not dating. He just asked me out! Wait, who said we were a thing?"
The only people I'd told were Mallory and my mom, so the thought of others knowing caught me off guard.
"I overheard Justin and Dani talking about it," Hannah replied with a knowing smile.
My stomach twisted. I had completely forgotten that Justin knew anything, and now I was annoyed. What else might he have told people?
"What did he say?" I asked, trying to keep my tone even.
"Dani asked if something was going on between you and Erik because she saw you two at the party, and Justin said he thought you might be dating," Hannah explained, still grinning. "I think you two are cute together," she added. "Plus, you'll have the trip to see where things go! Someone always ends up hooking up out there." She laughed, oblivious.
I forced a smile, but my thoughts raced. If only she knew.
We talked a little longer until I had to cut it short, knowing I needed to get home soon. "I'll see you girls tomorrow," I said as I waved goodbye and walked to my car.
On the way home, I stopped at my mom's favorite little Thai restaurant to pick up dinner for the two of us. When I pulled into the driveway, I noticed our mailbox was open. Grabbing my shopping bags from the car, I walked over to collect the mail before heading inside.
Once in the kitchen, I tried to set everything on the counter, but the mail slipped out of my hands and scattered onto the floor. As I gathered the papers, one opened envelope caught my eye. It was from the Social Security Administration, with its familiar eagle emblem, but the letter inside was blank. Confused, I briefly glanced around the kitchen, thinking maybe the actual check had fallen somewhere. When I couldn't find it, I started to wonder, was it forgotten, or could someone have stolen it?
"Mom?" I called out, walking toward her craft room with the papers in hand. "I got the mail, and this—"
"August, what are you doing with my mail?" she snapped, snatching the envelope from my hands before I could finish.Her sudden anger caught me off guard.
"Mom, it fell. It was already opened," I explained, my voice shaking.
"What a likely story! Do you know it's a federal crime to open someone else's mail? Even your mother's!" She yelled.
"Mom, I didn't open it. I swear. The envelope is empty. I just wanted to make sure the check wasn't stolen."
Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the papers, then back at me. Finally, she sighed. "Well, I'll have to call in the morning. It seems to be a mistake." Her tone softened slightly, but it didn't last. "And don't you ever touch my mail again!" she added sharply, pointing a finger at me.
I didn't know what to say. I stood there, stunned and hurt. I hadn't even opened her mail, yet she yelled at me like I'd committed some unforgivable act.
"I stopped and got us food. Your meal's on the counter," I said quietly before turning and leaving the room.
Back in the kitchen, I grabbed my shopping bags and retreated to my room. I unpacked my new clothes, trying to distract myself, but the sting of her words lingered. Why did she react like that? This wasn't like her. I couldn't remember a time she'd yelled at me without cause.
I thought about telling her I had plans with Erik on Saturday but hesitated. Her reaction earlier made me nervous. What if she got upset about that too?
I put away the last of my things, laid down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. My chest felt heavy, and I didn't even realize when I drifted off to sleep.
The smell of pancakes woke me up early the next morning. I threw on my robe and headed downstairs, still groggy. When I stepped into the kitchen, I saw my mom standing at the stove, flipping pancakes with a focused expression. As I walked closer, I accidentally bumped into a chair, startling her.
"Oh, sweetie, you scared me!" She said, turning to look at me with a warm smile. "I made you some flower-shaped pancakes, just like when you were little."
I couldn't help but smile back. It had been years since she'd made me pancakes like this. "Mom, how are you feeling?" I asked, still a little surprised.
"Honestly, sweetie, I'm feeling a lot better. Here, eat these while they're still warm." She handed me a plate stacked with the whimsical pancakes, her smile beaming.
I took the plate and sat down at the breakfast nook, pouring syrup over everything. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Mom," I said, savoring the nostalgia as I took a bite.
"Yeah, I think this new medication Dr. Harris has me on is finally working. The chemo didn't kick my butt as much this time," she said, flipping another pancake.
"That's so good to hear," I replied, genuinely relieved. Her upbeat mood gave me hope, and I decided it was the perfect moment to bring up Saturday.
"So, Mom, Erik asked me out this Saturday. Do you think that's okay?" I asked cautiously, my fork nervously poking at the pancakes.
She paused, her back still to me, and for a moment I wasn't sure she'd heard me. Then she asked, "Where is he taking you?"
"I'm not sure yet, but I can send you the address once I know. And, of course, I'll have my location on."
She continued cooking, her tone shifting slightly. "We'll have to see about you going. I'll need to make sure Maria is available first."
Her voice had turned more stern, and I could sense a change in her mood. Trying to ease the tension, I quickly changed the subject.
"Did you figure out what happened with your check?"
"My what—oh, right, my disability check," she said. "Yeah, I called this morning. They messed up, so I have to pick it up in person."
"When? I can take you if you'd like. I can go in late to work," I offered.
"No, sweetie, it's fine. I'll ask Maria to take me, maybe on Saturday while you're getting ready for your date," she said with a forced smile.
"You sure they'll be open Saturday? I really don't mind taking you. Besides, I have a few things I need to pick up in town," I insisted.
Her tone sharpened as she cut me off. "Drop it, August. I told you I've got it handled. Enough!"
Her smile vanished, replaced by a glare that made me shrink back.
"Okay, I'm sorry," I mumbled, retreating into silence.
I finished my breakfast quickly, trying not to upset her any further. "Thanks for breakfast," I said softly as I got up and headed to my room.
Once there, I sat on my bed, trying to process what had just happened. Lately, she seemed more on edge than usual, her mood shifting unpredictably. Maybe she'd gotten bad news from the doctor and didn't want to tell me. She had always kept her medical issues private, insisting it was her responsibility to handle everything.
I thought back to when she was first diagnosed. She'd waited a month to tell me, not wanting to distract me from finals. Even now, she refused to let me join her during her doctor's appointments. I'd drive her there and then wait in the car, left to wonder what was happening behind those closed doors. She didn't want me to see her struggle, but I wished she'd let me in, let me help.
I pushed the thoughts aside and started getting dressed. As I buttoned up my shirt, I grabbed my phone and sent Erik a quick text.
August: "We still on for Saturday? :)"
Erik: "You're calling the shots, so are we?"
August: "Yes, I'll be ready by 6pm. Where are we going?"
Erik: "It's a secret!"
I'm excited for Saturday, but the stress of my mom possibly changing her mind at the last minute still lingers in the back of my mind. I thought to myself, I have to be on my best behavior.
My mom never found out about my last boyfriend, David. Keeping it a secret was just easier, especially since I was living so far away at the time. She can be overbearing when she knows I'm single, but she's even more intense when she finds out I'm seeing someone. Despite that, I'm surprised she's being so open about the idea of me dating now.
Maybe it's her illness that's shifted her perspective. Maybe she realizes it's time for me to grow up and start building a life of my own. I've been thinking about what my future looks like, moving out, going back to school, and pursuing the dreams I've put on hold. This is the path I'm trying to pave for myself, and I just hope I can succeed.
After some time, I finished getting dressed. As I stood in front of the mirror adding the finishing touches, my eyes caught the faint mark still lingering on my skin, the one left from when my mom laid her hands on me.
It didn't hurt much physically anymore, but emotionally, it stung deeper now than it did in the moment. The sight of it brought a wave of emotions I wasn't ready to face.
I took a deep breath, carefully covered it up with makeup once more, and turned away from the mirror. With everything hidden, I grabbed my things and headed off for the day, hoping to leave that part of me behind.
I made it to the front door when my mom stopped me, holding out a small lunch bag. "Here," she said softly. It was the first time she'd ever made me lunch since I started working.
I took the bag from her, feeling a lump form in my throat. "Thanks, Mom," I said, wrapping my arms around her in a hug before heading out.
As I walked to my car, guilt started to creep in. She's trying so hard, battling cancer, doing her best to hold everything together, and I've been stuck in my own frustrations, barely noticing. I keep messing up, and she just keeps giving.
The drive to work was spent with Adele playing softly through the speakers, her voice tugging at emotions I could no longer hold back. Tears welled up as I realized how ungrateful I'd been. My mom doesn't have to do these things for me, but she still does. And here I am, letting my frustrations cloud everything.
I arrived at work and headed straight for the building, doing my best to avoid everyone. Unfortunately, I bumped into Mallory on my way to the elevator.
"Auggie, what's going on?" She asked, her brows knitting together in concern.
I shook off the heaviness in my chest, forcing a smile onto my face. Mallory doesn't know everything about my life, and sometimes, it's easier that way. She thinks my mom is too harsh on me, but she doesn't see what I see. She wasn't there when my mom struggled to get out of bed, too weak to eat. She didn't witness the day my mom finally gave in and shaved her head, or the broken pieces my mom tried to hold together after my dad passed. Mallory just wouldn't understand.
"Nothing, just listening to some sad-girl music before work. Always a terribly tragic and painfully beautiful choice," I said, clutching my chest in mock despair.
"Oh, August, always with the theatrics."
"Who would I be if not dramatic?" I replied with a smirk.
She chuckled, then leaned in conspiratorially. "So, any updates? Are you going this Saturday?"
"Uhm, yeah! I'll be going!" I replied, injecting as much enthusiasm into my tone as I could muster.
"What! Why didn't you text me last night? I was waiting patiently by the phone, like a woman in the 1940s waiting for her husband to come home from war," she teased, sticking out her lower lip in a pout.
"Look who's talking about theatrics," I said, rolling my eyes playfully.
We stepped off the elevator and headed into my office, settling into our usual rhythm.
"So, what are your plans for today?" I asked.
"I'm finalizing some upcoming sponsorships and then spending the rest of the day booking excursions. I know I cc'd you on the email with ideas, did you get a chance to look over them?"
"Yes, I've got everything graphed and organized for you. I'll send it over after I give it one more look. Oh, and I got my air travel email this morning. I'm so excited for first-class! I did some research, and we're on one of the bigger planes, so the first-class section is extra bougie."
"Oh…about that," she said hesitantly, her expression tightening.
"About what?"
"Well…since I booked our tickets so late, I wasn't able to get our seats together. I'm so sorry!" She said, her face scrunching up in guilt.
My heart sank. This trip was supposed to be an adventure we'd share together. It would be my first time flying first class as an adult, something I'd been looking forward to. Plus, flying alone was my worst nightmare, I was already terrified of planes.
"That's…disappointing," I said carefully, trying to keep my tone light. "I was really looking forward to having my first drink with you on the way there. But hey, we're heading to the same place, so it'll be fine."
I plastered on a smile, and thankfully, she seemed to buy it.
"Okay! Don't forget to email me your stuff. I've got a meeting in 15 minutes!" She made a heart shape with her hands as she headed out the door.
I waved as she left, but the sinking feeling in my chest lingered. The trip was going to be amazing, but it wasn't quite shaping up the way I had imagined.
The rest of my day consisted of mundane tasks, a few meetings with a new very needy client and some light online shopping. During some downtime in between meetings I looked over Mal's ideas for hawaii. She's been a few times as well ,but everything she has planned is very tourist heavy. From island hopping to Oahu for the day to spend on Waikiki Beach, to Pineapple Farm tours to Kaanapali Beach which is the most touristy beach on the Island of Maui.
I sent her all of the things I think we should do that are more lowkey while still getting to see Hawaii and all of its beauty. Hoping she's receptive. I'm really disappointed that Mals and I won't be sitting together on our way there. I'm hoping though I get to sit with someone else from work. I can't imagine flying alone, I'm sweating just thinking about it.
The company really spares no expense when it comes to these trips, they consider it a bonus, though we still get one at the end of the year. I'm getting anxious thinking how there's only one more work day before my date with Erik, 8 days until my 21st birthday and 9 days until we're off to Hawaii. Time definitely feels like it's standing still today.