"If gods didn't want me to break in, maybe they shouldn't have put the vault under a giant golden statue of a naked guy holding a banana." – Kaito Ren, master tactician
Celestial Border – Sanctum of Judgement, 2:44 AM
"Okay," I whispered, peering through divine binoculars that may or may not have been enchanted duck glasses from a cursed vending machine. "Operation Divine Break-In is a go."
Eve didn't respond.
She stood next to me on a floating shard of stone above the Sanctum, cloaked in her usual black aura, watching the golden temple pulse in the sky below.
"This isn't a break-in," she said flatly. "It's recon. We locate the registry logs of contracted slaves and copy the entries. Quietly."
"Yeah, yeah," I said, clicking my tongue. "Mission: Sneak into Heaven, don't get smited. Got it. By the way—I'm calling this mission Operation Halo Heist."
"No."
"Or maybe Operation Divine Swipe? No? Too edgy?"
She didn't reply. But her glare got frostier.
This was gonna be fun.
I leapt off the shard, wind slicing past my ears as I dropped toward the glowing temple like a reverse meteor.
Eve followed a second later, landing beside me with the silence of death itself.
We stood beneath the towering statue of a "Divine Arbiter"—a massive golden figure with six arms, three wings, and a scroll that looked suspiciously like a giant receipt.
"Can we just talk about how creepy this is?" I whispered. "Like, I get divine judgment and all, but did they have to give him glowing nipples?"
Eve ignored me.
We slipped through a barely sealed ventilation channel—crafted from sacred marble and celestial intent, whatever that means—and entered the heart of the Vault of Records.
Lit by white flame.
Walls lined with spinning script orbs floating in stasis.
Silence that crushed thought.
"…I was expecting more lasers," I said.
Eve pulled a crystal blade from her coat. "Stick to the plan."
"I'm improvising," I replied. "I play best when the piano's already on fire."
We reached the chamber containing the Contract Registry—a floating table made of starlight, surrounded by light pillars inscribed with names of every bound mortal who ever signed a divine pact.
I stared.
"My name's probably on that thing. Somewhere between 'Kaito Ren' and 'Poor Bastard'."
Eve placed a black sigil on the surface. It crackled—copying the data invisibly.
"Five minutes," she said.
I leaned back on the table like I was posing for a high school yearbook photo.
Then I whispered to the room:
"Dear gods, I have now successfully infiltrated your HR department. Consider this my formal resignation from being your chew toy."
The table glowed red.
"…Oh."
Suddenly—
ALARM RINGS.
White fire surged through the floor. Statues around the vault snapped to life, their eyes glowing with divine wrath.
"Okay, okay, time to go!" I yelled, sprinting past Eve.
"You triggered the failsafe!" she shouted.
"Not my fault! I was vibing!"
The first statue lunged. It had no face—just judgment.
I ducked a flying spear of light, rolled behind a pillar, and fired two divine rounds from my sidearm. The bullets pinged off harmlessly.
"Eve!" I called. "Now would be a great time for one of those crazy death goddess combos!"
She was already slicing through two sentinels in a whirl of black lightning.
I whistled. "Ten out of ten. Would duel again."
She grabbed my arm and hurled me through a closing gate—literally yeeted me into a divine corridor.
I hit the ground rolling, then shouted back, "Thanks for the flight, Miss Reaper Airlines!"
We made it to the landing pad—where my beautiful Yamaha R6 waited, cloaked in invisibility.
I activated the runes.
It appeared.
Roared.
"Come to papa."
I jumped on. Eve leapt on behind me—unwilling, annoyed, and very much plotting my death.
The floor beneath us started crumbling as the Sanctum realigned.
I revved the engine.
"Hold on!" I yelled. "We're about to Tokyo Drift straight through divinity!"
We launched forward—blasting through the falling marble archway, spiraling down the divine spire with nothing but friction runes and insanity keeping us alive.
A divine warden flew past us, aiming a staff.
I drew my new dadao Kagetsura, used the flat of the blade like a bat, and whacked the guy mid-air.
"Grand Theft Deity, baby!" I whooped.
We hit the outer ring—portal boundary rapidly collapsing.
"Brace!" Eve warned.
I nodded. "Tell Lysaria I died as I lived. Loud and inconvenient."
The R6 smashed through the edge of the divine firewall, and—
BOOM
—we were back on Earth, skidding across a highway outside Sector 17, sparks flying, air blazing, and the echo of alarms still ringing in my ears.
Safe (ish) House – 2 Hours Later
We parked in a forested ravine. Moonlight filtered through ash trees. The air still smelled like ozone and bad decisions.
Eve sat on a rock, blade in her lap.
I stood nearby, still trying to catch my breath.
"That," I said, "was awesome."
She didn't look up.
"…You almost got us both erased."
"I call that a learning experience."
"You mocked the Vault."
"I was being charming!"
"You triggered the core failsafe."
"Technically, the table glowed first."
Eve slowly turned to me, eyes harder than usual.
"I'm serious."
I shut up.
She stood.
"You think you're invincible. That humor makes you untouchable. But you're walking on god-made glass, Kaito. One crack… and there won't be a next time."
"…That was poetic."
She stepped closer.
"I've seen mortals like you. Ones who laughed until they cried blood. Who joked through divine trials and ended up begging for death."
I looked away.
Suddenly, the air wasn't funny anymore.
"I'm not like them," I muttered.
"Not yet," she said. "But you're getting close."
Silence.
Then she walked past me.
"I don't care if you're reckless. Just don't drag her down with you."
I turned. "You mean Lysaria?"
She stopped.
Didn't answer.
Then disappeared into the shadows.
I sat down on the R6. Looked up at the stars.
"Guess I really screwed that one up."
I sighed.
"Still… worth it."
I pulled out the copy sigil from my coat. It glowed faintly—data safe.
Maybe not a total failure.
Just… a very expensive success.
And for the first time, I wondered… how long could I keep pretending this was all just a game?