Chapter 285: Unlucky Teach, and News
"Ooooh, my~" Kizaru, high in the air, held his breath as he looked at the yellow... matter... splattered all over the high stage. "Is that for real? An ability like that is so troublesome~"
"In fact, rather than the Logia-type Dark-Dark Fruit, it seems much more like the Paramecia... Poop-Poop Fruit."
He inconspicuously glanced down at the mechanical leg Vegapunk had built for him, a flash of relief in his eyes. If he had actually kicked Teach, the man might have been fine, but his leg would have been contaminated with that foul-smelling... stuff.
Kizaru wanted no part of that.
But as he looked at Teach, his expression became complicated. Blackbeard Teach was not on the same level as the other pirates or agents. He was, if not at the absolute top, very close. To defeat an opponent like this, long-range lasers wouldn't be enough. He would have to engage in close combat, using Haki.
But in that case... even Kizaru, the "fastest man in the world," had absolutely no confidence he could fight without getting spattered.
"..."
On the stage, Teach looked down at the massive, gaping hole in his chest, which was already being filled by churning yellow... substance. The light in his eyes faded, as if he had died inside.
"How... How did this happen? It had the exact appearance of the Dark-Dark Fruit! And the Poop-Poop Fruit looks nothing like it!"
Teach had seen the Devil Fruit Encyclopedia. He knew the difference. The Dark-Dark Fruit was light purple, like a cluster of snail shells. The Poop-Poop Fruit... was exactly what it sounded like: a brown, spiraling pile.
As Teach stood there in stunned disbelief, the voices of the crowd rose up again.
Someone suddenly realized what had happened, and a grin spread across his face. "Hey, hey... did you guys notice?"
"What?" another pirate asked.
"That smell... and that yellow stuff... that doesn't seem like darkness, does it? It's gotta be the Poop-Poop Fruit!" As he spoke, the pirate's smile grew wider, full of mockery.
Another pirate caught on. "That's right! I thought so too! That's just... poop!"
"Poop?!" The crowd stared, dumbfounded.
"BWAHAHAHA—!"
"GYAHAHAHA—!"
The auction house exploded in a deafening roar of laughter. All eyes were fixed on Teach, who stood with his head bowed, the mockery undisguised.
"He fought that hard... just to get his hands on a useless Poop-Poop Fruit?!"
"This is hilarious!"
"Thank god I didn't eat it! I'd never be able to show my face in public again!"
On the stage, the CP0 agents, being closest to Teach, were getting the full, unadulterated stench. Their eyes were watering behind their masks, and they were on the verge of passing out. They exchanged a look and began to back away.
They felt a strange, profound sense of gratitude toward Teach. They were just glad he had been the one to take the fall. They couldn't even imagine what would have happened if they had successfully "retrieved" the Dark-Dark Fruit, presented it to the Celestial Dragons, and then watched as one of the new God's Knight candidates ate it... and turned into a poop-man.
Their own execution would have been swift.
The laughter from the crowd continued, as if mocking the "poop-man" would somehow erase their own humiliating defeat at his hands.
But the endless, cackling laughter finally made something in Teach snap. His despair turned to ice-cold rage. Veins bulged on his forehead, and his massive fists clenched.
Kizaru raised an eyebrow. He gestd to the marines with him, signaling them to get clear. The underworld bosses in the balconies, sensing the danger, fled.
"Have you... said... enough?" Teach slowly raised his head, his cold, brutal eyes sweeping over the crowd. The sudden, icy killing intent froze the pirates, and their laughter died in their throats.
The next second, Teach exploded.
His arms instantly turned a sickly yellow. He thrust them forward, unleashing a literal "shit storm" on the stunned pirates.
Countless streams of viscous, foul-smelling liquid shot out, filling the pirates' wide-open mouths and blasting them backward. In an instant, the entire auction house was filled with a stench so potent it blinded everyone, forcing tears and snot from their faces.
Then, to their horror, Teach's body began to grow... rising into a ten-meter-tall giant made of the stinking substance.
Kizaru, already floating hundreds of meters away, just shook his head. "Ooooh, how scary~ Why'd you have to run your mouths?"
Though his tone was mocking, his finger was already aimed. "Shoom..."
Dazzling lasers shot out, striking the legs of the fleeing pirates, dropping them to the ground. Before they could even curse, a giant, stinking hand descended from above.
BOOM!!
Teach's hand slammed down. The impact splattered the yellow substance everywhere, coating the entire auction house. If not for the walls, it would have covered half the mangrove.
CRACK! The building, already damaged, collapsed, releasing the toxic stench into the air, where the sea breeze carried it across the neighboring mangroves.
Tourists and marines who hadn't evacuated turned green. Their eyes burned, their stomachs churned, and they all began to vomit.
"Bluuuurgh...!"
On another mangrove, Rayleigh watched the scene unfold, his expression one he'd never worn before. He'd sailed the world, seen it all, and knew the truth of history. He thought nothing could surprise him.
He had been wrong.
He had... never... seen this.
Not just Rayleigh—no one on the neighboring islands had ever seen so much... filth... or been surrounded by such a smell. They fled in panic.
In the air, Kizaru, still in his light-form, was sweating. His lazy expression was gone. "This mangrove... is going to be uninhabitable for a while."
He flew higher, taking a deep breath of clean air, and looked down at Teach, who had reverted to his normal size and was fleeing toward the docks. The disgust in Kizaru's eyes was palpable. He really didn't want to get near him now.
He realized that Teach, with the Poop-Poop Fruit, was now arguably more dangerous than if he had gotten the Dark-Dark Fruit. Why? Because 99% of the world's population would rather lose a fight than get that on them.
Kizaru was certain: after today, every top-tier fighter in the world would avoid Teach like the plague. Shanks and that damned Louis would never use Divine Departure on a pile of poop. Even Kaido, who lived for a good fight, wouldn't want to soil his beloved kanabō by bashing Teach with it.
As Teach got further away, Kizaru half-heartedly crossed his arms, firing off a parting shot. It wouldn't look good for Marine Headquarters if he just let Whitebeard's 2nd Division Commander get away.
"Yasakani Sacred Jewel!"
A shower of lasers rained down. Yellow sludge splattered as a dozen beams passed harmlessly through Teach's body, while the rest blasted the ground, punching holes straight through the mangrove to the sea below.
Teach's body was torn to pieces... and then, the yellow matter reformed, leaving him completely unharmed.
He was sweating, his face pale with terror. "So close... he almost got me..."
He immediately started running for his life again. No one could understand the pain and despair in his heart. He had waited decades for the Dark-Dark Fruit. He thought its appearance was fate... only for it to be a trap. He was a poop-man, socially dead, and now being hunted by an Admiral.
He was so desperate he almost stopped and let Kizaru kill him. But his will to live kept his legs moving.
"OLD MAN!" he screamed, tears of rage and humiliation streaming down his face as he dodged explosions. "DON'T YOU DARE ATTACK TERRA BEFORE I GET BACK! I STILL DON'T HAVE THE DARK-DARK FRUIT! YOU CAN'T DIE YET!"
Just then, a figure appeared, walking calmly toward him, right through the laser fire.
Kizaru, in the sky, also saw the figure. The "Justice" cape, the red suit... "That's... Sakazuki?!"
"A... Akainu?!" Teach skidded to a halt, his face a mask of disbelief. "You... you were supposed to be executed by the Celestial Dragons! Why are you alive?!"
He knew, in that moment, he was finished. Akainu in front of him, Kizaru behind. There was no escape.
The mention of the Celestial Dragons made Akainu's eye twitch, his grim face darkening. His arms turned to crimson, bubbling magma, and the air filled with black smoke. Teach's blood ran cold.
Kizaru appeared behind Teach, hands in his pockets. "Long time no see, Sakazuki." He studied his fellow Admiral, trying to gauge what had happened to him during his "house arrest" in Mary Geoise.
Akainu's voice was cold. "We'll talk at Marineford. After this pirate is dealt with."
He drew back his magma fist and lunged.
Kizaru took his hands out of his pockets, forming the Ama no Murakumo sword. "Oh, by the way, Sakazuki," he drawled, "he's a Paramecia Poop-Poop Fruit user now. Be careful not to get any on you~ You'll be blinded by the stench~"
"Poop-Poop Fruit...?" Akainu's charge faltered. For one brief, beautiful second, "Absolute Justice" hesitated.
But only for a second. He recommitted to the attack.
Trapped, Teach's demeanor changed. The desperation vanished, replaced by the ferocity of a cornered beast. He was already furious about the fruit, and now, seeing no escape, he became incredibly dangerous.
"Zehahahaha! To think I'd be facing two top-tier fighters at once!"
He knew he couldn't win. But if he was going down, he was going to take them with him. He was going to drag this fight into a populated area... and let the whole world see two Marine Admirals covered in shit.
With a furious roar, he charged at Akainu, his own arm transforming into a churning, yellow torrent to meet the magma.
"..."
Explosions and lasers tore Sabaody apart. The battle, though short, was catastrophic, as magma and stinking sludge splattered across the public amusement park.
Finally, Teach, covered in bleeding cuts and smoking laser-holes, was blasted into an amusement park ride and knocked unconscious.
The fight was over.
The civilians, who had begun to piece together what happened, looked at the scene—molten rock and foul-smelling filth everywhere. The air smelled... like roasting poop.
"Bleeeergh...!"
"Kacha! Kacha!" A reporter, having appeared from nowhere, was snapping photos frantically. "This is the scoop of a lifetime!"
Back on Terra, in the dark interrogation room.
Daz Bonez, Baby-5, and Asmodeus listened as the captured assassin finished spilling his intel. Just then, a Den Den Mushi rang.
Daz wiped the blood from his hands and answered. "Daz Bonez."
"Sir! The Devil Fruit... it was eaten by Blackbeard Teach, Whitebeard's 2nd Division Commander."
"I see. Continue gathering intel." Daz hung up. He turned, his arm morphing into a blade, and walked to the man chained to the spiked chair.
"As an assassin," Daz said, "it's foolish to accept a suicide mission for money. Be smarter in your next life."
With a single, clean stroke, he took the man's head. Baby-5, smoking a cigarette, expertly unchained the body and dumped it in the barrel outside.
Asmodeus, leaning against the wall, mused, "So, Phoenix Marco is still the only contact. None of these guys know where the Whitebeard Pirates' main base is."
Baby-5, mopping the blood, snorted. "Even that Whitebeard-allied pirate we caught last week didn't know. Why would a hired killer?"
"It was worth a try," Daz said.
Asmodeus yawned. "They're bold enough to operate on our turf, but we still can't find their base. It's kind of embarrassing."
Just then, the Den Den Mushi rang again. Asmodeus picked it up.
"Mr. Daz? I... I just got new intel from Sabaody... Akainu is back! He and Kizaru... they defeated Blackbeard Teach!"
The room was stunned. "The Celestial Dragons let Akainu out of confinement already?"
Asmodeus immediately pulled out another Den Den Mushi to call Louis.
Click.
The snail answered. "I already know," Louis's voice said, and immediately hung up.
The three of them just looked at each other. With Whitebeard's crew sniffing around, Louis had his Haki covering all of Terra. Of course he knew.
In the castle, Louis sat on the sofa. He looked up at the figures standing before him—black wings, standing like black iron towers.
"Go. Bring... that... back."
Artemis bowed her head, her white ponytail swishing. "Understood."
The group turned and stepped into a portal.
Louis then stood and vanished into the void. He reappeared on the coast of Terra, standing on the beach.
A moment later, a wet, pink head emerged from the water. Shirahoshi, seeing Louis, was startled, but then quickly swam closer.
She leaned her head down, her blue eyes blinking. "Lord Louis... the lantern fish you asked about... they found it. It's just as you described... bigger than a super-giant Sea King, with a glowing lantern..."
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