Ethan blinked several times, but the blue panel was still floating in front of his eyes.
No matter how much he rubbed them, it didn't go away.
"Okay… Red Bull + lack of sleep = hallucinations. Crystal clear."
"Of course, my little broken genius," the female voice replied with a teasing tone. "This isn't a hallucination. I'm real. And you are the chosen host. Congratulations, Harvard reject."
Ethan froze.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!"
"Because it's on your record. High IQ, homemade inventions since you were 12, a recommendation from a teacher… and zero dollars for tuition. Basically, you're Tony Stark, but the Temu version."
"…"
"Relax, ruined Einstein, I like you. Poor people hunger for success… though in your case, all you're hungry for is frozen pizza."
Before he could respond, a new window appeared with a sharp beep.
[INITIAL CHALLENGE: SEX OR DIE]
Condition: Have sex within the next 13:23 hours.
Reward: 10 Lux + $5,000 USD.
Penalty: Instant cardiac explosion.
Ethan was speechless, reading the words over and over.
"…this can't be real. No. No, no, no. This is a damn joke."
"Exactly, golden virgin. A joke… where the clown is you. Tick-tock. The timer is already running."
A countdown appeared in the corner of his vision: 13:23:00… 13:22:59… 13:22:58.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?! I have no way… I can't… it's not that easy!"
Ethan whispered hysterically, glancing around to see if anyone was watching him argue with himself.
"Come on, champ. Insert Penis.exe into Vagina.dll. How hard can it be?"
"WHAT THE HELL?! This is absurd!"
"Oh, please, poor genius. If you can fix Wi-Fi toasters, you can stick something else into a human USB port, right?"
"I'm gonna die…"
"Exactly. Unless… you know… stop being a Newton of never-had sex."
The panel glowed again, and a holographic menu popped up in front of him with a "pling!" far too cheerful for the situation.
Nearby potential candidates:
Blonde neighbor who ignores you in the hallway.
Random client at the workshop (possibly married, 75% chance of slap).
Your smart toaster (recommended: NO).
"WHAT THE HELL?! WHY IS THE TOASTER THERE!?"
"I'm just expanding your horizons, ruined Einstein. Desperation works wonders."
Ethan gasped, his throat dry.
He looked at the timer again.
13:21:17… 13:21:16…
[Time to use that brain, champ. Not for circuits… but for seduction. Tick-tock.]
"No, no, no… I have to get out of here!"
Ethan jumped from the chair, dodging boxes, cables, and the toaster that almost killed him minutes ago.
"Where are you going, ruined Einstein? Running a marathon of desperate virgins?"
But Ethan was already at the door, pushing it like the workshop had become a prison.
"BLAKE!" —Ray Carter's voice boomed like a cannon.
Ethan ran faster.
"COME BACK HERE, YOU MISSHAPEN SKELETON!" Ray chased him, coffee thermos in hand, like a bull in a plaid shirt.
The chase turned into an absurd scene: Ethan zigzagging between pedestrians and Ray shouting curses like a sailor without a ship. People moved aside, some filmed with their phones, others laughed.
"I swear I won't be late again!" —Ethan shouted between gasps.
"I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR LEGS AND YOU'LL BE EARLIER THAN EVER!"
Ray was almost on him when an electric scooter on the sidewalk crossed his path.
CRASH!
The boss flew half a meter into the air, spun like a top, and landed on his back with a thud. His thermos rolled into the street, spilling a cascade of coffee that smelled like lost battles.
"I'm sorry, boss! I swear, it'll never happen again!"
And he kept running like the IRS itself was chasing him.
Ray lay on the ground, staring at the gray city sky. A bitter silence wrapped around him.
"Maybe… maybe I should have treated him better… The kid was on the edge of madness, poor guy, always working, always broke…"
A bitter grimace escaped him.
"Maybe I should've lent him money, or at least bought him a proper breakfast…"
"There goes… the best worker I've ever had…"
People around looked at him as if he had just lost a child in a war.
Ethan, meanwhile, collapsed on a park bench a few blocks away, his chest ready to explode.
[Wow, my virgin broken genius. Almost got arrested for public disturbance, but hey… free cardio. Keep it up, maybe you'll gain some muscle… which you desperately need. You're not just ugly, you're also too skinny.]
Ethan grabbed his head.
"God, how am I supposed to get laid in thirteen hours? I'm ugly, poor, disheveled… my hair looks like a damn rat's nest! Who in their right mind would even look at me?"
He sank into the park bench, defeated, while the timer blinked in his vision:
12:58:10… 12:58:09…
"I could… I could pay a prostitute… yeah…"
His eyes lit up for a moment.
Then reality hit him like Ray's fist.
"…shit… I'm broke. I spent all my money yesterday on pizza and Red Bulls…"
He grabbed his face and groaned.
"If I had saved, I wouldn't be doomed to die a virgin today."
[I admit it, ruined Einstein, you are the best romantic comedy I've ever seen. Only without the romance… and without the comedy.]